Bachelor – Dispatch from Puerto Rico, where Courtney was, like, two months ago.
I’m jumping into the Bachelor late tonight because I just got done with work — at 10 pm. *Combined sigh/eye-roll.* So, I probably won’t blog the whole thing tonight but I gotta make a few comments. I just gotta.
Re: divorcee Nicki’s date – I’ve just got a couple of tips for ol’ Nicki: 1) stop saying “fairy tale,” 2) stop saying that you’re “really falling for” Ben, and 3) stop saying that Ben’s the “man of [your] dreams” because, you know, no. He’s not. He’s not the man of anyone’s dreams. Fact.
Okay, now we’re onto the baseball game date. I am literally fast-forwarding over it because I don’t care. Okay, I stopped fast-forwarding for a sec and I hear high-pitched shrieking. Aaaand resuming fast-forwarding. And wow, do some of these girls run like girls (even in fast-motion). Okay, stopping. I feel it must be said that Ben looks like a turtle with his little pin-neck sticking out of his giant jersey. How do these women look at him with his little head and big jersey and find him attractive? Can we get them on a group date where they all get Lasik?
Okay so the red team wins the baseball game and they get to go on a “romantic beach date” with Ben, while the other girls, the unfortunate blue team, sit around and cry. All of them. Crying. Boobly takes it especially hard. Poor Boobly.
Romantic group beach date time! I like how the producers are letting Courtney narrate this entire thing (“she’s annoying,” “she’s dumb,” “she’s ugly”). She’s like a mean, biased color commentator who only talks in a baby voice.
Kacie B. snags some alone-time with Ben and asks him about his past relationships and he says they all ended because he loved women and they didn’t love him back. It’s cute how he’s pluralizing as if there is more than one past “serious relationship,” because he’s obviously referring to Ashley, the girl who rejected him on national TV because, indeed, she didn’t love him back. Anyway, Ben gives Kacie B. the rose and you can see the evil wheels in evil Courtney’s evil head turning! She’s up to something.
Now it’s time for personal trainer Elise’s one-on-one date with Ben. Elise, I think it’s safe to say, will not win this thing. But I have to give her credit for having one of the orangest tans I’ve ever seen outside the context of the Jersey Shore. I mean, let’s be real: that orangeness don’t come easy. You gotta work at that. Elise and Ben go out on a boat and Elise gives him a laundry list of all the things she gave up to be on the show, including leaving her job. Then, in abrupt about-face, she kinda proposes to Ben and he laughs awkwardly in response. This is going great, Elise!
Later, Ben and Elise go to dinner on a beach and Ben wears a wildly inappropriate tuxedo and NO SHOES. NO SHOES and a TUXEDO. The dinner conversation is awkward. Ben asks Elise what she meant when she said earlier that she had accomplished everything she wanted to in life already, and she said no, actually, what she meant is that she has accomplished everything she wanted to as a single person. Then she quickly says how much she wants to be in a relationship, and engaged, and married! Ben looks uncomfortable and plays with his douchey hair.
Elise asks Ben to be honest with her – uh oh, big mistake, Elise! Don’t ever ask Ben to be honest with you. Learn from Samantha’s mistakes! So, Ben picks up the rose and starts telling Elise how great of a first impression she made, and she grins, thinking something nice is coming, like the rose that he’s twiddling in his fingers. But then he says, “Unfortunately, I was hoping for some things today that I just didn’t find.” He’s still holding the rose. Dude, Ben just pulled an Ashley on this girl. Cold. Ben tells Elise that his relationships with “a lot of these other women” are “so far past” what Elise and Ben could “even get to.” Whoa, don’t sugarcoat it, Ben. Make sure you let her know she is FAR inferior to MANY of the other women. Meanwhile, Elise’s eyes are welling with tears. Tact is not Ben’s strong suit, we are learning.
Elise gets led out into the water for her Pensive Boat Ride back to shore and a sad David Gray song plays as she is boated away. I’m confused: why did Ben get rid of Elise, who seemed nice, if not a bit orange, but kept Rachel, who had *literally* nothing to say to him during their date? I mean, it’d be one thing if he were uniformly brutal to these biddies but he seems so inconsistent.
So after the sad David Gray song fades out and Elise is boated back to Jersey, Courtney shows up at Ben’s door with wine, wearing nothing but a short robe. By the way, Courtney is officially horrid. Actual quote that came out of her lips: “After Ben’s date with Elise, his eyes probably hurt.” I mean, yes, Elise is day-glo colored, there’s no getting around that, but you just don’t SAY stuff like that. Unless you’re blogging. And you’re me. Then you can say it.
So Ben and Courtney go skinny-dipping and it’s pretty gross. What’s even grosser is that Ben says that Courtney and he “shared a pretty intimate moment.” Guys, does that mean they had sex? Oh, gag! GAG!!!
Ben shows up for a cocktail party with the ladies and they all gush to him about how much they like him and he says stuff like, “yeah.” Jennifer says she thinks he’s “perfect,” which is obviously stupid, but at least she doesn’t say “PERF-echt.” Meanwhile, Boobly sidles over and tells Ben that she never thought she’d “deserve” someone like him (SIGH) but now she realizes that she does deserve him, after all. This is so sad. No, guys, I’m not even being snarky – this is giving me the sads, big time.
After Boobly’s epiphany, Emily and Ben go sit on the beach. Emily brings up Courtney again but then quickly says she hasn’t thought much about Courtney this week but instead has focused on Ben and Emily. Ben seems pleased. But then Emily says that she still thinks Courtney is a “weirdo” and two-faced. Which is dumb because Ben is not going to listen, but smart because it’s true. Ben shuts her down and tells her, quite snippily, to “tread lightly and be careful.” Dude, this guy’s such a dick. Pralines and dick, big time. Poor Emily needs to just keep her mouth shut and let Ben dig his own stupid Courtney grave. I’m actually really confused as to why Emily likes Ben at all when he’s such a douchebucket and seems so charmed by Courtney the Terrible, but, hey, she is. Maybe she’s just hoping to string this thing out and be the next NEXT Bachelorette (after the other Emily)? That’s playing the long game!
Rose ceremony. And why in tarnation is Rachel the Boring getting, like, the fourth rose? Ben, you’re so inscrutable with these choices! Blah, blah, more roses, until the final two girls standing are Jennifer and Emily. And you know what’s effed up about this? I think Ben made Emily the last one to teach her a lesson and make her feel bad about saying stuff about Courtney. He would honestly be the WORST boyfriend. He’s already playing these shitty little mind games with these women and he’s not even dating them. Run, ladies! Run while you still can!
Poor Jennifer gets walked out and she takes it well, actually, holding it together until she gets into the limo for her Pensive Limo Ride. She seems like a classy broad. I’m sure she’ll go find some nice gentleman with a fetish for redheaded accountants and be just fine.
Ohhh, next week Ben is taking the ladies to Panama and you know what that means: the obligatory dancing-with-locals-in-a-colorful-market scene is coming up! I can’t hardly wait.
Blogging Bachelor Ben (Part 2)
We’re back in Park City for part 2 of the Bachelor! Jennifer, the sweet redhead, gets the next date with Ben. They do some weird thing involving rapelling into a crater or something? I dunno, I’m bored by it and am going on Facebook instead until it’s over. I mean, we all know it’s going to end with them falling into a thing of water and then swimming towards each other and making out as soaring music plays. Aaaand, right on cue, Ben and Jennifer land in the water and kiss each other, but it’s kinda blah. I don’t see this happening for poor Jennifer, I just don’t. She’s too sweet and mild. They eat dinner by a campfire and Ben asks her about her relationship history, which seems to be the one first-date conversation starter he has in his repertoire and is, in fact, the one thing you’re never supposed to actually talk about on a first date. Jennifer tells Ben that her last relationship ended because the guy wouldn’t marry her, so she walked away. Kudos to her — I guess she figured, maybe that guy wouldn’t marry me, but that dork on TV probably will.
Ben asks her if she’s ready to handle his “crazy” lifestyle, which involves, you know, making wine. Yeah, Jennifer, can you handle that? Can you handle Ben making WINE? It’s a CRAZY life so buckle up, sister! She says yes, she can handle it, and gets a rose, despite a weird disclaimer from Ben about how he wasn’t sure he saw any future for them but now he does. Is he negging her? I hate this guy.
Ben and Jennifer end their date dancing at some generic country star’s concert, surrounded by random girls trying to shoulder their way into view of the camera. Awks.
Meanwhile, the girls talk shizz about Courtney, which is satisfying. Emily, who is inexplicably letting Boobly do her hair in foils, seems very worried and is considering telling Ben about Courtney’s true colors, I guess because she is laboring under the delusion that Ben is smart enough to listen.
Time for the final cocktail party… Emily has decided she is going to tell Ben that Courtney is bad news, and she does, in a round-about sort of way (“a certain person is evil and you gave her a rose”). Ben tells her, “You’re going to go crazy if you try to read into this.” Right. Wait. What does that mean? Emily looks confused and nods. Ben warns her that if she lets worrying about Courtney “consume” her, it will lead to her “demise.” Uh, does Ben know what the word “demise” means? Because it kinda just sounded like he was threatening to kill her. After that supremely uncomf convo, Ben and Emily share a stiff hug and he seems put off. So basically, what we’re learning here is that Ben doesn’t like anyone questioning his judgment, ever. That’s an attractive quality!
Emily whines some more about Courtney and Casey S. stands up for Courtney, which ticks Emily off. Then Casey S. tattles to Courtney what Emily said! So Casey sucks. But Courtney sucks more. Upon hearing that Emily thinks she is mean, she says she wants to “verbally assault” Emily and shave her eyebrows off. The specificity of that threat is disturbing, no? Courtney then gets into a weird stare-down with Emily, who crumbles like a cookie. The confrontation between them takes place in front of a room full of people and it makes me feel weird. And as much as I dislike Courtney, I want to smack Emily upside the head when she cries afterwards about “really lik[ing]” Ben. I actually yelled at the TV, “Why do you like him? He’s a DOUCHE!” Because he is. He just is. Come on, Emily – you’re a PhD student, get your head out of your butt!
K, rose ceremony: Lindzi gets the first rose, for some reason. Then Jamie (whoever the hell that is) gets the second one (seriously, guys, has Jamie been here the whole time?). Nicki gets the third rose. Next, Kacie B., followed by Elise, Boobly, Casey S. (hss!) and Emily (whew). That means Monica is going home, which is too bad, since she was one of the more tolerable people in the house. She’s headed back to Salt Lake City to continue her exciting career as a “dental consultant,” so she’ll be fine.
Ben announces that they are headed to Vieques, Puerto Rico and the girls squeal. My fiance comments, “These women deserve to be drowned.” And that, my friends, is why I’m marrying him.
Blogging Bachelor Ben! (Part 1)
Hi y’all – as promised, I’m blogging the Bachelor again and I’m even doing it live tonight!
This week the Bach gang is in Park City, Utah (*cue stock footage of helicopter rising over mountain*). Given that the Bachelor is America’s favorite polygamous dating show, this whole Utah thing makes sense. Oh yeah — I went there.
It’s so nice of Ben to bring the women to Park City so that they can “experience the outdoors,” since he rescued them all from that underground bimbo dungeon.
First date goes to Rachel, who is quite modelesque but kind of tomboy-ish and awkward. Kacie B. takes the news of Rachel’s date hard and gets all weepy. Oh, Kacie B. I like you and I sense that this creepy, televised fight-to-the-death-for-fake-love is not for you. Kacie B. goes on and on about how bummed out she is to see Ben with another lady, which, hello, is a normal reaction to the realization that one is merely one-thirteenth of a harem. It doesn’t seem to occur to Kacie B. that watching the man you’re “falling for” arrive in a helicopter to pick up another woman for a date is not actually a normal or necessary part of life. Sigh.
Rachel’s date involves helicoptering (of course) to a lake and then taking a canoe out into the middle of it. Rachel and Ben keep saying how “nice” and “romantic” it is as they sit knee-to-knee in the canoe but don’t seem to have anything else to say. Desperate to break the silence, they make out and make weird sighing noises. Later, they sit on a rocky beach and drink champagne and continue to chat about nothing. I shouldn’t say nothing — to be fair, they have a lengthy discussion about how the sun in your eyes makes you squint. Then they revert to discussing the weather, which is, they both agree, “nice.” Then Ben points out a beaver dam, and Rachel says, “oh, yeah.”
Dinner is at some sort of haunted lodge in the woods. Their conversation dwindles even further because now they’re inside and so cannot comment on the sun and its effect on one’s eyes. Ben, no great conversationalist himself, tries to get the silent Rachel to say more than two words but she doesn’t take the bait, and it’s getting kinda weird, especially since she says in a voiceover that she’s “falling for Ben.” Those great conversations about the niceness of the weather and the existence of beaver dams must have really sealed the deal for her. Rachel tells Ben she’s willing to “open up” and “take a chance” because she wants to get to know him better, and Ben, to my shock, agrees that yes, they have a “nice little vibe going.” They do? If this is what their first date is like, I think it’s safe to say that they will definitely be that couple at Red Lobster who silently stuff Cheddar Bay biscuits into their gullets while staring past each other.
Also, GRAMMAR ALERT: if I had a nickel for every time one of these morons said “me and Ben’s relationship” or “Ben and I’s relationship,” I would have quite a few nickels. Quite a few, indeed.
Group date time! Ben rides around on a horse and talks about his “country side.” I can’t take any part of this seriously. Ben looks like kind of a dinkus on a horse, but the girls are all super impressed, especially Lindzi, the Horse Girl from Episode 1. Nicki is also impressed: Ben takes the ladies on a horse ride through the mountains and Nicki waxes rhapsodical about his hair blowing in the breeze, like a “prince.” Oh, brother.
Step two of the group date is fly fishing. The girls valiantly cheer and pretend to be excited about the fact that their date involves wearing waders and standing still in water for an hour. Courtney says a bunch of crap about how she can catch fish and men (what is she, Jesus?) and then watches stonily as Ben helps Kacie B. with her wrist positioning. I have to say, I know they edit this show to make people seem like villains and whores and whatever, but Courtney is awful. She has this perpetual sneer on her stupid, sneery face. I hate her stupid guts.
Courtney’s nefarious attempt to steal Ben away for herself is interrupted by Lindzi, who claims to be “outdoorsy.” But before Lindzi can prove how outdoorsy she is, Courtney catches a fish and breaks out an awful baby voice to celebrate. My fiance, who is sitting nearby doing work as I type this, looks up from his paperwork to comment that Courtney is a “horrid little being.” Yep.
During the post-date cocktail party, Ben spends some alone-time with Casey S., who seems boring but is pretty. Nicki busts in and thanks Ben for bringing her on dates and then tells him a story about her boss dying. Huh?! Is this her way of trying to bond with Ben over his Dead Dad story with her Dead Boss story? If so, Ben one-ups her real good: he lost a GOOD FRIEND two days before the show. So there, Nicki. Dead Dad + Dead Friend >> Dead Boss any day of the week. But the Dead Boss story did get Ben to kiss her, so it paid off for old Nicky.
Next, in an unexpected twist, Samantha, who looks kind of like Paris Hilton but without the dead eyes, confronts Ben about what it means that she’s been on three group dates. I know she’s saying something but her voice is so grating and helium-y that I can’t concentrate on it. Something about feeling frustrated… hang on, Ben is saying that on all of the group dates Samantha’s been on, she has been “highly emotional” and that he doesn’t know if she can “hang” and that he questions whether she is even here for him or if she is taking this whole thing “serious”(ly). Whoa! Then he kicks her to the curb brutally and sends her home! Ka-pow! But wait, what? Huh??
Why is Ben being such a baby? He just got pissed off that Samantha had the gall to ask why she hadn’t gotten a one-on-one date and he way overreacted. Ew, Ben. I mean, yes, Samantha has a terrible voice but it says a lot more about Ben that he’d punish her so severely just for questioning his decisions. What a dickhead! Up to this point, I thought Ben was sort of a benign dud but now I think he’s a whiny douchenozzle who takes himself far too seriously.
After sending away a tearful Samantha, Ben tells the other girls that he didn’t see anything with Samantha and reiterates how “serious” he takes this show. GRAMMAR ALERT 2: it’s SERIOUSLY, Ben. LEARN ENGLISH (seriously).
Ben takes Kacie B. on a walk to his room and she tells him how hard it is, this being part of a harem thing. He says “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which everyone knows means, “you’re being annoying by expressing your feelings, shut up now.” What sucks is that all the girls are scared of him now that he’s sent Samantha home for questioning him so they’re all going to kiss his ass even more than they were doing already. Meanwhile, Ben tells Kacie B. that he wanted to kiss her “so bad” today in the river but didn’t because all the other women were glaring at him and he wants everyone to get along. What a weenie! Why does Kacie B. like this guy again??
Make-out sesh ensues with Kacie B. and Ben calls her “wonderful.” This galls the Evil Courtney, who swoops in, busts out full-force baby voice and makes out with Ben while wearing her skimpy bathing suit. After some strategic kissing, she tells him that she’s having a hard time and that she’s “lost sight of everything.” Rather than sending her home immediately, Samantha-style, Ben says he has feelings for her and that hasn’t changed. She does a lot of weird mouth contortions and the next thing you know, Ben grabs the group-date rose and gives it to her. It’s official: Ben is the dumbest man on Earth.
Stay tuned for Part 2…
A word about the Bachelor.
Guys. I know you’re all aware that I haven’t been blogging the Bachelor this season, and I just want to let you know that I know that you know. Your displeasure has been duly noted. Ahem. The thing is, I have been going to trivia on Monday nights lately and I don’t get home until 10 pm, which means the Bach is necessarily pushed back a few days in the interest of my getting my oh-so-necessary beauty sleep.
But I do kinda miss blogging about it, mostly because I feed off of other people’s approval and, let’s face it, my Bachelor updates are really what you all are sticking around for. You’re not coming here for the Teen Mom. I know it, you know it.
SO, I will try to do some Bach blogging, but be forewarned, the posts will most likely not come on Monday nights. Cool?
Just as a teaser, let me give you a few brief thoughts on the hot mess that is this season so far. First, all the women appear to be outrageously wasted 24-7 and I like it! Taking a page from Ashley’s book, eh, ladies? The sloppy cattiness and the weird, oozy flirting with Ben really makes for riveting viewing, doesn’t it? Second, Ben needs to cut his hair, stop smiling winsomely at the camera, and, for the love of Mike, stop referring to San Francisco as “San Fran.” Ben, who’s from Sonoma (approx. 1.5 hours away from San Francisco), claims San Francisco as “his city” and yet sounds like a goofy tourist bumpkin when he refers to it as San Fran (hint: you cannot claim San Francisco as your own if you call it anything other than San Francisco or “The City”). I suppose no one has corrected him because all of his other friends are also goofy tourist bumpkins. I mean, it could be worse, I suppose: he could be calling it “Frisco” (*shudder*).
Thoughts on individual women: I like Emily and Kacie B. and hate everyone else. Blakely (or “Boobly” as my witty fiance calls her) is a huge mess and I feel sort of sorry for her, while Courtney is obviously bad to the bone and is playing her role as villain just perfectly. Can’t wait for the crappola to hit the fan when Ben finds out that she is, in fact, terrible. Also, I have to say that I’m sorry they eliminated crazy Jenna right off the bat. She had a lot of potential…. to have a total meltdown.
K. Promise to blog next week!
Stupid is as stupid does.
Forrest Gump may have been mentally challenged, but he was a heck of a lot smarter than these dingbats:
I didn’t even watch this season of Teen Mom because I was too grossed out by trashy Jenelle and her trashy mom and now I’m glad I didn’t, because I’d probably have a rage headache right now given the news about Leah, the teen mother of special needs twins, being engaged again and preggo again. Aren’t these MTV teen moms supposed to, you know, learn something from the harrowing experience of being a teen mom? Aren’t they supposed to absorb some major life lessons and stop being, excuse me, complete dumb-asses? Or is this show just shedding light on the fact that most of these people are incurable dimwits who either can’t or won’t take precautions to avoid getting pregnant again? Ugh, depressing.
Dr. Drew has some ‘splaining to do.
You’re a virgin who can’t drive.
K, so I really would be remiss If I didn’t post a link to the preview for the new TLC reality special airing Sunday, The Virgin Diaries.
I’ll just let that video sink in for a moment. The awful butterfly kisses. The horrifying face chomping. The even more horrifying face sucking.
Has it sunk in yet?
Okay.
Here’s my take on this business: adult virginity is not spectacle-worthy unless people choose to make it so. I mean, who cares if people choose not to have sex as adults? That seems like a private decision and not something particularly interesting. But the people who signed up for this show want to trot out their virginity for all to see, and dang it, I’m gonna watch it. It’s like the reality TV Field of Dreams: if you broadcast it, Stephanie will watch. They wanted to make their virginity a spectacle, and they have succeeded marvelously. Uncomfortable spectacle is what good TV is all about. This is why I sometimes (always) watch Sister Wives.
Some people are complaining that TLC appears to be poking fun at these hapless virgins and even exploiting them, but remember – no one ever holds a gun to your head and forces you to go on a reality show. This ain’t the Hunger Games, peeps. Those virgins all want to be on TV, talkin’ bout their virginity and chompin’ on each other’s faces. Plus, let’s be real, there’s WAY worse stuff being revealed on TV every day (see, e.g., any episode of the Kardashians where any of them do anything).
So, whatever, bring on the virgins. And also, I really hope for that couple’s sake they learn how to kiss appropriately, or else they’re going to be the Most Embarrassing Parents Ever.
SHOULDA PICKED KIRK
I’ve been saying it all along, Ali. You SHOULDA PICKED KIRK.
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20549407,00.html
See what happens when you don’t pick Kirk?
And you know what? I think Kirk’s gonna be okay. He’s moved on to bigger and better things. I mean, just check out his awkward personal training website!
Oh, Kirk. Your weird, pale, veiny arms don’t even gross me out, THAT’s how adorable you are. Ali didn’t deserve you or your ingenious five-P training plan.
Anyway. Wonder which Bachelor remnant Ali will date next?
Facelifts and Camels and Ululating, Oh No.
A couple of brief thoughts on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, in no particular order:
- I like how every time anyone on a reality show gets elective plastic surgery (see, e.g., Kris Jenner), it is treated as a Grave and Serious Situation, in which everyone speaks in hushed tones and hopes for the best and holds prayer vigils for the patient. I mean, yes, face lifts are serious business and, as Usher’s mom taught us, can kill you. But guess what, idiots? They’re optional! No one forced Kyle Richards’ mother-in-law to get that completely unnecessary face lift, so maybe we can just skip the whole whispered bedside vigil, eh?
- That poor, unfortunate camel who was trotted in for Pandora’s engagement party! Someone call Animal Protective Services! I feel like he’d be better off being beaten by Bedouins in the middle of some windswept desert than at that horrid party.
- Speaking of Pandora, why does she have a British accent and her brother, who appears to be close in age to her, have an American accent? Is this something the family acknowledges, or is it just swept under the rug?
- Random Fame-hungry Crazy B***h Party Attendee Dazza: are she and Dana in cahoots to try and get a pathetic spin-off out of this? Real Random Fame-hungry Crazy B***hes of Beverly Hills? Wait, that’s this show!
- Kim’s boyfriend, holy moly! He looks like a cartoon mobster. Which seems appropriate, actually.
- Can we call a moratorium on Real Housewives of any stripe ululating? Why are they always ululating??
See you next week.
Not to say “I told you so,” but…
I told you so.
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are – gasp! – divorcing. Exactly no one in the world is shocked by this news. Hey, at least they got to rake in several million $ on their gross, exploitative, meaningless wedding before calling it quits, right?
Dis-dash-ter!
Whoa, so has anyone else watched the Kim Kardashian Wedding Spectacle? I am just getting around to it now, and whoa, is it a mess. I mean, more of a mess than I anticipated. It actually is pretty compelling TV because it’s not just about a hugely wasteful, tasteless wedding – it’s about two people who appear to hate each other deciding, nonetheless, to marry. It’s fascinating!
I think it’s fair to say that the Kardashians are inexplicably famous, but are genuinely talented at staying inexplicably famous. It’s like, they’re talentless at everything in the world except self-promotion. And let’s not forget that the sole reason anyone in that family has their own show on E is because the eldest daughter, the buttalicious Kim, had sex with Brandy’s brother on tape. Let’s just not forget that, because I think periodically reflecting on that fact really adds some much-needed perspective to the Kardashempire.
This wedding show, though, is blowing my mind. The premise is to show Kim and her hapless groom, Kris Humphries, prepare for matrimony and eventually walk down the long, diamond-encrusted aisle. As someone who is getting married soon also, I can assure you that a Kardashian does not do wedding planning like a normal person. No, no – the Kardashian wedding planning process has many additional layers and complications. Rather than going to a Vera Wang retailer and buying a dress, say, one must personally consort with Vera, and then “call a meeting” in Vera’s chambers so that family members can weigh in on which THREE dresses the bride should wear at her wedding. Rather than merely hiring a caterer, one must have an audience with Wolfgang Puck, and receive folksy, slightly creepy European wisdom from him. Rather than marrying for love, one must marry for some vague combination of fame, height, and professional sportsmanship.
What’s more disturbing to me than the utter ridiculousness of the wedding and all of its gross trappings is the fact that Kim and Kris don’t seem to know each other very well, nor do they seem to particularly like or care for each other. Kim is by turns bitchy and icy to Kris, mercilessly making fun of him for growing up in a normal, middle-class home in Minnesota (which she referred to as “yee haw Minnesota” — it is quite possible that Kim thinks Minnesota is a city in Texas). I’m really not sure how a seemingly nice enough Midwestern guy who has a charitable foundation for disadvantaged youth ended up with the likes of KK, but it happened. What’s weird is that Kris doesn’t seem to understand how it happened, either, and is constantly lamenting the fact that Kim is not more down to earth, nice, normal, loving, etc. But Kim has been pretty up front with Kris about the fact that she’s a vapid, fame-whoring monster, so, um… something’s gotta give.
One of the most telling bits of the TV special was when one of Kris’s NBA friends gave a speech at the rehearsal dinner about when K and K first met. This was, in Kim’s words, the speech that brought her “back down to Earth” and reminded her of why she was marrying Kris. But you know what the speech was about? It was about how Kris has become super materialistic and brand conscious since he and Kim got together. The guy ended the speech by telling Kim, “thank you for upgrading my boy.” Uh. Romantic?
The episode tried to smooth over the obvious animosity between K and K by chalking it up to Kim being sad about her dad being dead, but those underlying issues are still there. But the good news is, I bet the A Very Special Kardashian Divorce will be amazing!
