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The Bachelor S18 finale: some thoughts.

Hello!

I haven’t touched this space in a good long while because, as you are probably aware if you’re reading this, I’ve been covering The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and other TV shows over at Previously.TV. Go read my stuff here, if you’re so inclined.

In any case, I didn’t cover the finale of The Bachelor this season for Previously.TV because I was on vacation in Portugal with my adorable husband when it aired, so I had to take a miss. However, being me, I watched the entire finale fiasco on my DVR approximately three to six minutes after getting home from Europe, and I had some thoughts. Since a few people had asked me to post said thoughts online, I figured I’d dump them in here, in crappy bullet point format, since I am lazy and have become accustomed to getting paid cash-money to write about this stuff. So this post won’t be my typical stellar work — ain’t nobody got time for that. Unless, of course, you’d like to pay me according to the standards I’ve come to expect — sort of a Bachelor blog alimony type deal. Anyone?

Okay, bullets it is.

One note: I wrote this knowing who “won,” but had limited my reading about the show so as not to poison the well, so to speak. Then, as soon as I wrote this, I binged on all the delightful articles written about what an out-and-out spectacle the whole thing was, and I will link to some of my favorites as appropriate in the bullets. Okay, so, without further ado, please find my bulleted thoughts on this mess, below.

  • FIRST of all, Chris Harrison isn’t even pretending at this point not to hate Juan Pablo. His voice is absolutely dripping with disdain as he hosts this, the most controversial Bachelor finale in all of storied Bachelor history, or whatever. He almost seems gleeful as he interviews people in the audience, all of whom are like, “We hate Juan Pablo; down with Juan Pablo!”
  • Okay, so, Clare’s Meet The Family date with Juan Pablo: not much to say here other than that Clare is shockingly awkward with Camila. I’m just so distracted by her face. Why can’t she stop herself from doing that tortured tongue-biting duck-face, even while talking to a child? An impressionable child! Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children??
  • Knowing going into this thing that Juan Pablo doesn’t pick Clare in the end makes all of her tongue-iness and baby talk (in both senses of the word) even more embarrassing. And it was already pretty embarrassing.
  • The fact that Clare thinks that she and Juan Pablo “communicated” in the aftermath of their kerfuffle over the ocean swim/sex makes me think she’s a brainwashed robot or else just REALLY dense. Or possibly both? Also, I love how she’s totally bought the company line on how Juan Pablo’s just really “honest.” Most bafflingly, she somehow comes out of a discussion with Juan Pablo’s mom in which Mama is like, “Um, he’s my son and even I think he sucks,” and concludes that this conversation has validated her feelings of adoration and love for Juan Pablo. But then again, you know what they say: prolonged willful ignorance is a healthy foundation for any long-term relationship. They say that, right?
  • Next, Nikki and her intense haunch tattoo show up to try to impress Juan Pablo’s family. Juan Pablo, meanwhile, is totally phoning it in. He might have yawned while talking about Nikki to his family. Yet Nikki, like Clare, is determined to see the best in this man despite overwhelming evidence that there is, in fact, nothing good about him, including his OWN FAMILY being like, “Don’t marry him! He’s an asshole!”
  • Nikki’s ideas of what her time with Juan Pablo and Camila would be like are shockingly vague. “We’d… like, do activities. And just, like, have a loving family.” Well, can’t poke holes in that plan!
  • Back to the studio audience, and Catherine Lowe nee Giudici shows up to misuse the word “complacency.” Go away, Catherine. Go away, show. Go away, everyone.
  • Back to Juan Pablo’s helicopter date with Clare. Surprising no one, Juan Pablo proves himself to be a terrible, insensitive cad and whispers something about sex in Clare’s ear — while adding that he also doesn’t really know her — as soon as they get a private moment. Clare seems shocked and devastated by this, and actually pretty mad — but give her a minute.
  • Clare goes back to the hotel room and cries about the fact that Juan Pablo doesn’t really know her, etc., and I feel like she should have maaaybe had this realization a while ago. She “confronts” him about it and he’s so slimy and insincere that I start to wonder if maybe — and this is just a theory — he’s actually a bunch of lizards in a zip-up human suit. In any case, he seems like the type of person I wouldn’t even want to share a cab with, let alone date or, God forbid, marry. But Clare has convinced herself that he’s a special guy with a big heart, because they don’t let terrible people on TV; it’s against the rules.
  • Anyway, during his discussion with Clare, Juan Pablo’s trusty ol’ “I’m just being HONEST” line comes out, like, a million times. And, like every Clare-Juan Pablo fight, Clare softens up almost immediately, thus killing the small flicker of hope I had that she was actually going wake up and smell the Venezuelan coffee about this loser. Instead, she seems like she is still in this thing and wants it to work despite literally everything she’s seen and heard thus far. When Juan Pablo talks about moving to Sacramento and having a baby with her, I just can’t with it anymore, because, since I am watching this from the future, I know he’s full of crap. Of course, she buys it.
  • Now, onto Nikki, who thinks Juan Pablo is “afraid of getting hurt” and that’s why he hasn’t told her that he loves her. I’d say that’s as gross a misreading of the situation as theoretically possible, but let’s see who’s right. When she tells him she thinks he is “guarded” and “afraid of opening up,” he replies, curtly, “When I feel it, I’ll open up.” And rather than being put off or weirded out by how cold of a response that is at this point in their “relationship,” Nikki just says, “Oh, okay,” and backs off. Good talk.
  • Nikki’s generic handwritten letter to Juan Pablo is the most generic of handwritten letters. It’s like, “Thank you for all the times we had. I have enjoyed them. You are special. The end.” After that, they make out and I become physically revolted by their loud kissy noises and the way Juan Pablo talks to her like she’s a child. “Sleep,” he says, like he’s her dad and he’s putting her to bed. Bluh, how could anyone ever like this guy? I ask you!
  • The producers skip over the part where Juan Pablo has his obligatory sit-down with Neil Lane to peruse his selection of gross rings, and it’s a shame they do, because it’s awk as hell. My editor at Previously.TV, Tara, posted this lovely article showing the deleted scene, and I’d never thought I’d say this, but I’m on Neil Lane’s side on this one.
  • “Proposal” day! Clare says, and I quote: “It’s all been my perfect version of a fairy tale.” I mean, maybe she meant like a Grimm fairy tale, where people get impaled and raped and buried alive and stuff? She also says, “You just have to believe.” Clare, hate to break this to you, but Juan Pablo’s not God, where you’ve never actually seen him, like, with your eyes, but you believe he’s there because of faith. Juan Pablo’s not some mysterious wind in the willows or the footsteps on the sand, or whatever. He’s there, he’s terrible, and you’re being dumb.
  • Clare takes a speed boat to meet Juan Pablo in a bird-filled grove. My nightmare! On every count! “This could be, like, the day my fairy tale comes true,” says Clare. She also thinks her dad would be “proud” of her participation in this charade. Meanwhile, Dad rolls over in his grave.
  • Aaaaand the dumpage begins. Even though Clare strikes me as being emotionally dumb as a box of hair, I am a human being with some modicum of empathy so I can’t help but shrivel inside while she’s speechifying at Juan Pablo about how much she loves him and he’s sort of smirking back at her, waiting for her to shut up so he can dump her. Juan Pablo reminds her that he’s been “honest from the beginning” about people going home. He abruptly tells her goodbye and tries to hug her and she pushes him away. Then she gets bitchy, FINALLY. She basically tells him he’s King of the Turds and that he led her on this whole time, but the big insult comes when she says she’d never want her kids to have a father like him. As she storms away, he keeps it classy by saying, “Oof, glad I didn’t pick her!”
  • In Clare’s tearful post-dumpage confessional, she reveals the shitty thing Juan Pablo said to her in the helicopter, which was, apparently, “I love f***ing you.” [Cue Countess Luann’s “Money Can’t Buy You Class.”]
  • Nikki, meanwhile, can’t wait to tell her mom she’s engaged. Doesn’t matter to whom! She just wants to be engaged! Any old man will do, even one who’s demonstrably awful!
  • Nikki shows up, prepared to be proposed to, and Juan Pablo tells her, considerately, that he has a ring in his pocket but he’s “not going to use it.” He asks her instead to accept his stupid final rose because, while he doesn’t want to marry her, he wouldn’t mind keeping her around. For a second she looks like she wants to smack him, but then she says “absolutely,” and takes it. [Cue Jeffrey Osborne’s “On the Wings of Love.”]

After the Final Rose

  • Everyone’s back at the studio for a good ol’ fashioned rehashing. Clare seems to have redeemed herself in the audience’s eyes by getting mad at Juan Pablo and bitching him out. Apparently she got “closure” from that and doesn’t want to rehash things with Juan Pablo. Fair enough.
  • Chris Harrison then talks to Juan Pablo and you could cut the tension with a cuchillo. Juan Pablo deploys everyone’s favorite helpful phrase, “it is what it is,” to explain his abhorrent behavior. He also snaps, “Can I talk?” and I’m sorry, but one does not speak to Chris Harrison that way. One simply does not. When Chris Harrison asks if Juan Pablo has regrets, he says, “It’s fine. No.”
  • Meanwhile, Nikki’s sad attempt to convince people that their “relationship” is “amazing” is fooling no one. She gazes adoringly at Juan Pablo as he says a bunch of lukewarm stuff about her and I wonder if she was lobotomized at some point during this process, because there is no other logical explanation for that weird smile on her face. She even smiles when Juan Pablo calls out Chris Harrison for interrupting him and the audience boos. [Cue Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man.”]
  • The best moment of the whole thing comes when, just before the commercial break, Chris Harrison peaces out entirely and leaves Juan Pablo and Nikki onstage to pretend to like each other and nuzzle unconvincingly.
  • The end of the show gets kind of meta, when Catherine delivers the Bachelor company line to Juan Pablo about not biting the hand that feeds you. Linda Holmes at NPR wrote a very good piece about what this was all about, and I think she nailed it.
  • Finally, we learn that Andi’s the next Bachelorette. Shock. As she’s speaking, I  realize that Andi’s voice reminds me of Zoe Chase from NPR’s Planet Money and that is decidedly not a good thing. However, she kinda looks like Julia Louis Dreyfuss, which inspires some misplaced affection for her in my heart. So this could go either way.

THE END.

See you at Bachelorette season, when I’ll be back on Previously.TV, opining away.


Bachelorette Desiree Episodes 5-7

Recaps for episodes five, six, and seven available on Previously.TV. Enjoy!


Bachelorette Des, Ep. 4, on Previously.TV

Here it is, in all its glory.


Bachelorette Des, Ep. 3, on Previously.TV

Here’s the latest piece up on Previously.TV. Enjoy!


Bachelorette Des, Week 2 (via Previously.TV)

Here’s this week’s post on Previously.TV, for your snarking pleasure.


Bachelorette Desiree coverage on Previously.TV

Hello, Bach(ette) fans! I’ll be covering this season’s fresh horrors for Previously.TV, an awesome new site about last night’s TV. Here’s my piece on Monday’s season premiere. Two words: FAIRY TALE. Enjoy.


BACHELOR SEAN FINALE

OMG, OMG, it’s time!! It’s finally time!! Well — it’s finally time here in Joburg – I realize that the Bach finale actually happened like two days ago, but whatever!! IT’S TIME.

I’d like to note that iTunes took LITERALLY ALL DAY to download this finale. Seriously. I started downloading at 8:30 AM and it’s still not done at 4:30 PM, but I am starting to watch anyway, and hopefully the thing will finish downloading as I watch. I blame South Africa, ABC, Chris Harrison, and Tierra.

I’d also like to note that, as a person who owns the internet, the ending of this season was totally spoiled for me over the last 24 hours, and since I’m assuming at this point, everyone and their mom knows who wins, I won’t avoid spoilers. In fact, it’s more interesting to watch knowing who the loser is so you can cringe as she rhapsodizes about BS and how perfect their love is, you know?

LET’S DO THIS THING.

Chris Harrison uses the word “historic” to describe tonight’s episode. Which I guess is technically true, in the sense that every event that occurs on Earth is, in some sense, historic, but is untrue in literally every other sense. Chris Harrison also uses the term “late-breaking news” regarding BS and his “status.” IMPORTANT STUFF IS HAPPENING HERE.

Forewarning: I might fast-forward over some stuff, because the finale tends to be boring, especially when the Bachelor “reflects” on his two women and hems and haws over which one to choose. Snore.

Kay, so BS’s family is in town and wow, they are blonde. BS’s mom is nervous for him because she wants him to make the right decision. BS tells mom he doesn’t know which girl he is going to pick and she nods slowly, thinking what everyone else is thinking, which is, probably if you actually don’t have a preference about which woman to pick at this point, maybe use your brain and don’t get married to either one? 

Catherine gets to meet BS’s family first. Everyone toasts with water, which is weird, and then they ask Catherine boring questions about herself. It feels like a job interview. BS’s mom pulls Catherine aside. Mom seems polite but skeptical. Can’t blame her; lady’s been through this process before. Catherine says BS makes her feel “comfortable with [her]self.” Is this a good thing? Before you get married, shouldn’t you feel comfortable with yourself in your own right? Just a thought.

BS’s dad asks Catherine if she believes in “the Bachelor Process.” Not reacting to the utter goofiness of that phrase, Catherine says she was “very skeptical” in the beginning, which begs the question – if you were so “skeptical,” why did you come on the show? Did someone force you as part of a complex hostage negotiation? Because otherwise I am calling BS on your claim that you were “skeptical” of the Bachelor Process.

Conclusion at the end of the day: BS’s family “loves” Catherine. Of course they do: these people know better than to pull a Desiree’s brother – they’re old pros.

Now it’s Lindsay’s turn, who says she is “so close to being Sean’s fiance.” Oh, Lindsay. Please stop. You’re making everyone uncomfortable. BS’s family ask what BS and Lindsay have done together and they say, “a lot.” And then one of them adds, “we fed monkeys.” What an amazing journey they’ve had.

BS’s dad — who seems like he has some acting training, am I right? — sits down with Lindsay and asks her how she knows she’s in love with BS. Lindsay says “I just know. I want to hang out with him.” Good answer. Then Lindsay gives an *amazing* answer to some other generic question about marriage by saying that “marriage is compromise” and by mentioning “prayer” and “meeting in the middle.” Checking alllll the boxes. Then BS’s dad tells Lindsay that they started praying on the day BS was born for his wife. Um, ew? There’s something deeply creepy about praying for a newborn’s hypothetical wife, I’m sorry. 

Lindsay asks BS’s dad for BS’s hand in marriage and they laugh, because it would be so silly for a woman to propose to a man!! Imagine such a thing!! Next thing you know, she’ll be wearing pants and voting, the scamp!!

BS’s mom asks Lindsay when she knew she was in love with BS and she says when BS asked her about her family, or something. Whatever. Boring. I gotta give BS’s mom credit, though, she seems less instantly won over than her husband; I am not sure she’s a 100% believer in the “Bachelor process” like BS’s dad. 

Now it’s time for BS to reflect in generic terms on his two remaining ladies. He wants his family to help him make a decision, because that’s a normal thing that adults do: ask their parents who they should marry. BS’s mom, though, points out that he doesn’t HAVE to propose. GASP!!! Heresy!!! Hang her!! 

BS seems put off by his mother’s suggestion that he doesn’t have to actually ask anyone to marry him on TV. BS says, a little bitchily, that he wants his mother’s support, implying that she needs to shut her damn mouth and buy into the Bachelor Process already. Mom starts crying and tells BS not to make any rash decisions. Too late, Mom! BS decides he needs to listen to his heart (rather than his family) so he stands on a porch and stares pensively into the distance and purses his lips. 

It’s time for Lindsay’s final date with BS. You can tell she’s confident that BS is going to pick her, because she says tomorrow will be the biggest day of BS’s life, and hopefully her life. Sigh. They go on a boat ride down a river and BS wears a very fetching teal wifebeater.

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This outfit happened.

BS points out Myanmar and Laos and Thailand to Lindsay and she says, “What?” I think because she had never heard of those places before. Meanwhile, their boat driver looks uncomfortable and stares at the camera nervously. Then BS and Lindsay look back fondly on all of their fun times together: they went on a date in Montana, and they wrestled. That’s about it. Lindsay concludes that they have “the big things you need in a marriage.” Except for an actual relationship, I guess. Lindsay asks BS what he thinks they’ll look like when they’re old and he says, “I can picture you being a hot old chick.” Meanwhile, ABC is playing sappy music, as if this were a touching moment. Finally, Lindsay tells BS she loves him and he makes a sound halfway between “aww” and “mmm,” and it’s awwwwful. 

Cut to footage of Lindsay setting out wine and glasses. BS shows up at her room and they drink wine and make out since they don’t actually have much to say. Lindsay asks him if he remembers their first kiss, and he says yes. Good times! I’d love to hear these two discuss current events, wouldn’t you? Also, I have to say, I’m at the point in the season where Lindsay’s baby talk is getting grating as hell and I want it to stop. right. now. Luckily there are only TWO MORE HOURS more to endure.

Lindsay tells BS she is nervous and she doesn’t know what she’d do if she lost him. Probably move on with life? Find another guy who’s not on TV? Go back to part-time substitute teaching? Lots of possibilities. Lindsay says she wishes she knew what BS was thinking and he says, “I’m happy being here now.” Translation: I’m not picking you. 

Lindsay and BS do that thing that has been done on oh, four or five previous seasons of the Bachelor, where they write wishes on lanterns and send them into the sky. What a beautiful, not-overplayed cultural ritual! BS concludes that Lindsay is “the one for [him].” Hmmmmmmm.

Now it’s Catherine’s turn. For their date, they ride an elephant. At some point, they change into Thai pants – unclear why – but, you know, why not? Then they sit down and Catherine tells BS she is excited, but doesn’t make eye contact with him. Weird. Later, Catherine lights some candles in her hotel room and says she wants to make sure BS knows how she feels about him. Oh, dear. Catherine says she has a “hard time talking about serious things,” which is basically like saying, “I am immature and not ready to be married.”

Catherine blabs on about how much she loves BS’s family, and I go on Instagram for a while, and when I come back, BS is telling Catherine that he pictures himself with her. He seems much more reassuring to her than Lindsay, eh? I mean, writing’s on the wall, peeps.

Catherine and BS share a long hug and I wonder if he’s telling her that he’s going to pick her and we just can’t hear it? Catherine says “I love you” and BS says “thank you for today.” Ouch. Catherine cries and BS sort of reassures her but it’s pretty unsatisfying. Catherine points out that it’s annoying how their relationship is pretty one-sided and she can’t get anything out of BS and how he doesn’t reciprocate her feelings. Um, yeah. This is yet another reason why this show is RIDICULOUS. What kind of relationship do you have if only one person is contractually allowed to express their feelings? Why do these people do this to themselves??

On the big morning, BS wakes up shirtless and rubs lotion on his nipples, and then leans on his balcony and considers his options.

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This is Sean’s thinking pose.

BS says he has searched his heart and made up his mind and knows – finally! – who he’s going to pick. Good, now Neil Lane can show up with his briefcase and untucked shirt and show BS his tacky rings. Neil Lane shows BS the usual crap: big, square rings with rose gold and yellow diamonds and other things that will look dated as hell in ten years – but I guess that’s not much of a concern since BS and his lady will most likely break up before any of these looks can go out of style. 

BS puts on his suit and fingers the ugly ring he chose and says he is about to “dedicate [his] life to this wonderful woman,” and he cries. Pull it together, BS.

Meanwhile, poor old Lindsay is putting on a silver dress and reflecting on how BS is her “everything.” Ugh, Lindsay. Stop. If I were on this show and in the final two, I would just say nothing. I’d be like, “Yeah, it’ll be cool if he proposes but I’ll be fine either way. No biggie.” That’s the way to go, I think.

Catherine is wearing a gold dress and freaking out. 

This is always the point in the show where I get nervous and awkward, even if I know who’s going to win, because I feel badly for the poor soul who’s going to get brutally dumped on national television. The awkwardness!! My stomach is actually in knots, you guys, and I hate that this train-wreck of a show has that power over me. Damn you, Chris Harrison!

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison asks four Bachelor rejects who they think is going to win and no one cares what they think. 

Kay, back to the action. Dramatic Thai string music plays and a single rose sits on a wooden thing – a rose holder? what is that thing? – anyway. BS is all teary eyed because he has to break up with Lindsay. He says he “didn’t plan on this.” Except, ya kinda did, right? By signing onto the show? Remember?

Lindsay’s SUV pulls up and I am seriously sooo nervous and whoa, Lindsay has an intense tattoo on her foot. How did I never notice that before? Cut to voiceover of Lindsay saying: “Today is the day I’m gonna get engaged.” STOPPPP. She says a lot of other stuff that is too painful to record here because we all know what’s coming, including that this process has helped her become a “mature, independent woman.” Yeesh.

BS gives Lindsay a speech that gets her hopes up and whyyyy is he doing this? She clearly thinks he’s going to propose. She’s all smiley and excited and it’s just horrible. I think when BS starts breathing heavily and looking down, she starts to cotton on to the fact that he’s not going to propose, and her face falls. He says he wants to give her his heart but he can’t because his heart is leading him somewhere else  and he was undecided until yesterday. Why did he need to tell her that? How is any of this helpful? Couldn’t he have pulled an Ali Fedotowski with Chris Lambton and sent her home before this? Finally, BS makes this whole exchange The Official Worst by telling Lindsay he loves her. Salt –> wound.

Lindsay says it’s okay and then BS starts crying and then she starts crying and her baby voice is suddenly gone. Whoa. Finally, she tells BS she is gonna go because this is her “nightmare,” and she says she’s happy for him but that she can’t imagine her life without him. Then she gives him a hug, which is big of her, and he walks her out. I like that she stops to take off her heels – fat lot of good they did her, huh? – and walks ahead of him. She’s pissed but you know? She’s handling herself well, I gotta give her credit. None of the Desiree whining and begging. None of the AshLee bitchiness. It’s pretty classy, all told. I mean, Bachelor Classy. But still.

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In her pensive limo, she says she feels like an idiot. Which, okay, yeah, I see that. Then she gets kinda mad and cries – understandable. But you know? She’s 24 – I feel like she has TIME to find a man and pop out babies or whatever. At least another year before she is too old to legally bear children in Missouri.

Chris Harrison emerges and gives BS a letter from Catherine, which says nice things about BS and is not actually dramatic at all, despite the cutaways and dramatic music. Blah, blah, Sean proposes and Catherine looks like she’s about to actually have a heart-attack and die, and then she says yes. Cue soaring music. They ride off on an elephant into the sunset. THE END.

Whew.

Okay, so I won’t be blogging the ATFR because, you know, I just won’t. I have to cook dinner for my actual husband who I have an actual marriage with and need to step away from this crazytown bullsh*t for a while. But I’ll be honest, I’ll be watching the ATFR as I cook. Not gonna lie about that. I’d never lie about that.

Welp, that’s a wrap, folks. Guess you won’t be hearing from me about Bachelor/ette related stuff until Desiree’s season – and no matter where I am, I will be blogging it, don’t you worry. Until then, who wants to take bets on how soon BS and Catherine will break up? I give them 6 months to a year. ROMANCE!!!


Bachelor Sean: The Women Tell All

Hoo boy – I’ve been looking forward to this one all week, you guys. I am particularly looking forward to watching AshLee rip Bachelor Sean (BS) a new one. The Tierra stuff is less interesting to me, but I’m not NOT looking forward to it. And the rest I might fast-forward over. Anyway, as is my custom, I will be blogging this in bullet format, because the WTA does not deserve real paragraphs. Here we go!

  • Chris Harrison asks the near-hysterical studio audience what they think about Sean (answer: woo!) and what they think about Sean with his shirt off (answer: wooo!). Chris Harrison also reminds us that this is the “most dramatic season of the Bachelor… EVER.” Since Chris Harrison says that every season, I guess that means it’s true? Like, by definition? 
  • They do a dumb stunt where C. Harrison and BS show up to ppl’s Bachelor viewing parties and I am fast forwarding over it because who cares.
  • It’s time to meet “the ladies!” I have already forgotten half of them existed, so this is a good reminder.
  • Lesley, who I dislike so very much, tries to sound smart by using words like “lessening” but actually sounds dumb.
  • The women agree that Tierra faked her medical conditions. Brooke (one of the ones who I forgot existed) suggests that the other ladies are just envious they didn’t think of faking injuries. Touche, Brooke.
  • Now the EVIL VILLAINESS Tierra comes out. Can I just say, I think Tierra is icky and a faker and I wouldn’t want to share an airport shuttle with her, but the level of hate against this lady is sort of ridick. It’s a SHOW. She’s a dumb, manipulative weirdo who played all of that up because she was on a show that rewards that type of behavior. None of these other biddies ever have to spend time with her again, and 99.9% of Bachelor viewers will never be forced to interact with her, so what is the big effing deal? I ask you.
  • Tierra says she “lights up in a room” and she “bring[s] joy” into every gathering, but the other ladies judged her and thus crushed her “light.” Humble. She also rambles and looks around the room as she speaks and I keep expecting her to talk about the Asian countries and the Iraq.
  • Tierra Palin (TP) also says stuff like: “I think, you know, Sean put in my mindset as well, as you know, Tierra, focus on the prize. At the end.” Is this English? I’m serious.
  • Chris Harrison asks TP if she regrets anything or wants to apologize to anything and she says no and the audience groans.
  • The ladies all tell Tierra why they hate her. Every woman lists all of the times Tierra ignored her. This takes a while. What’s baffling to me is that they all seem really HURT by Tierra being rude to them. Unclear why any of this matters, at all. I mean, not just Tierra’s behavior, but this show in general. But if I go down that rabbit hole, then things are gonna unravel on this blog pretty fast.
  • The first “Sean and I’s connection” is dropped. By Tierra. The part of my soul that is responsible for grammar is flaking away by the second.
  • Next Chris Harrison walks us through the “battle” between TP and AshLee in St. Croix. AshLee and Tierra argue about whether Tierra called AshLee a “liar” or whether she just said that AshLee lied, because there IS a distinction, you guys.
  • After much prodding from Chris Harrison, TP offers a lukewarm apology and no one seems satisfied.
  • TP then brings up that she won “Little Miss Nevada,” which explains a lot, doesn’t it?
  • Finally, TP tells the world that she is engaged. To be married. Whaaaa?! TP explains that she is marrying a dude that she dated before coming on the show. Actual quote from TP: “So, I did the Bachelor and thought, you know, I could find my love here, and as soon as I got back, we rekindled things, that it was in God’s favor then, that’s how it worked out.” God’s favor? Stop.
  • Chris Harrison claims that “no one has touched America’s heart quite like Sarah.” Because she has one arm, I guess?
  • Sarah comes and sits on the hot seat. I am tempted to fast forward over this because honestly, who cares? Sarah is boring and she and BS did not have any discernible spark, and the only reason we are talking about her is because she has one arm. This is like reverse racism, you guys.
  • Sarah uses the phrase “lone and behold.”
  • Desiree’s turn in the hot seat. Booo-ring. Bring Des’s white trash brother out here and then we’ll have some watchable TV.
  • Prediction: Des is going to be the next Bachelorette. She is talking all winsome and humble like a Bachelorette. This is happening. MARK MY WORDS.
  • Finally, AshLee’s up. They replay all the embarrassing sh*t she said over the course of the season and if I were AshLee, I would run out of the studio out of humiliation. HORRIBLE.
  • BS comes out and AshLee asks him what happened. He tells her that she was his frontrunner but that he couldn’t really have fun with her. Ouch. AshLee looks at him like she wants to rip off his skinny tie and strangle him with it. To her credit, she does not try to argue that she is, in fact, fun. Even AshLee knows she’s not fun.
  • AshLee asks why BS made her go through the rose ceremony if he knew he wanted to send her home, and BS says he was falling in love with her, but… he doesn’t really give her an answer. AshLee asks why BS didn’t come and check on her after he sent her home (which implies that the pensive SUV does not actually drive all the way back to America), since he is a gentleman. BS looks confused and sort of like he wants to say, “I didn’t come to check on you because I don’t like you.”
  • AshLee asks why BS told her in the fantasy suite that he had no feelings for the other two women. BS denies saying this. AshLee insists he did say this. Things get tense. I can’t tell if AshLee is lying or if BS is lying. I feel like probably AshLee? Just because she seems to be walking that border between crazy and non-crazy. But I’m not sure. AshLee revises her statement and claims that BS said that there was “nothing between” him and the other two women. Silence descends in the studio. AWWWWKWAAARD.
  • They go to commercial and things feel anticlimactic. I wanted AshLee to claw BS’s eyes out.
  • Oh, but wait – there’s BEHIND THE SCENES footage of their conversation, which continued during the commercial break. Here’s how it goes: BS: I didn’t say that. AshLee: Yes you did. BS: No, I didn’t. AshLee: Yes, you did.
  • This debate is never satisfactorily resolved.
  • During the bloopers, we learn that BS does not know how to open a bottle of wine. Which is not shocking.
  • BS uses the term “blessed” and “amazing” to describe his “journey.” Barftastic.
  • Time to look back on BS’s final two ladies, Catherine and Lindsay!
  • BS claims that he and Catherine have the same sense of humor, “which is a little out there, a little weird.” I’ve already discussed how there is literally nothing “weird” about BS, but I think it’s cute that he thinks he’s “quirky” and “out there.” I suspect that BS’s definition of “out there” humor involves pulling lame pranks with the help of TV producers. And by the way, anyone with a sense of humor that is actually “out there” would not describe their sense of humor as “out there.”
  • Meanwhile, re: Drunk Lindsay, Sean says he “can” picture being with her forever. But he’s not making super definitive statements about her. I liked when they replayed the footage of drunk Lindsay being drunk. I liked her so much better back then.

Okay, that’s all she wrote. Next week is the finale slash “live, three-hour Bachelor Event.” I can’t hardly wait.


Bachelor Sean, Ep. 9

FANTASY SUITES. That is all I have to say about what’s going down this week. Let’s waste no time in diving in to this week’s episode of THE BACHELOR (Season 17).

BS and the “ladies” are in Si Kao, Thailand. BS stands awkwardly on the edge of a boat and then later sits down, because, come on. BS tells us he is “crazy about” all three of his remaining women: Lindsay, Catherine, and AshLee. To help work out his feelings about them, he takes a long walk in a tank top and then lies in a hammock with his sunglasses perched on his head.

BS reflects on all of his women. First, there’s Catherine, who BS claims is “weird, nerdy, and goofy,” and so is he. Except he is clearly the opposite of all of those things. Next, there’s AshLee. He says that his relationship with AshLee is “probably the strongest.” Whoa, whoa, whoa – is AshLee gonna win this thing? I’ve been predicting her elimination every single episode thusfar and it keeps not happening and now I’m getting nervous that crazy, adopted, weepy AshLee is gonna take this. Finally, there’s Drunk Lindsay. BS says, “[Drunk] Lindsay and I have this spark that has turned into this massive flame.” BS then reflects on Drunk Lindsay’s drunk wedding dress entrance on night one. We’ve come a long way, Drunk Lindsay. BS says that initially, he worried that she didn’t have “depth or maturity,” but she proved that she is so much deeper than he thought. Except, has she? Has she, really, BS?

She's really mature, you guys.

She’s really mature, you guys.

BS and Lindsay’s date is up first. They take a moto tuk-tuk thing to a market, and Lindsay concludes that it is not much like Missouri. A trenchant observation, Drunk Lindsay. BS and Lindsay try some food and BS, in typical fashion, decides to “test” Lindsay by seeing if she’ll eat a bug. In her eagerness to please BS, she eats a bug. He better marry her now.

BS says, and I quote: “I feel like I’m with my high school sweetheart, and that’s what I’m looking for in a marriage.” Maybe talk to seventeen year-old divorcee AshLee about the wisdom of that statement, BS.

After the market, they go to a beach and BS says he loves how they can have fun “no matter what [they] do,” i.e., go on elaborate dates in beautiful resorts that they do not pay for. BS also tells Lindsay that she is the “best friend that [he’s] been looking for.” Is that good or bad? I feel like it’s bad, right? Later, they feed monkeys and, given my own recent experiences with monkeys, I feel nervous for them. Live in Africa or Asia long enough, and the gloss comes off monkeys, you guys.

Meanwhile, Lindsay hasn’t told BS she loves him because she’s “scared of getting hurt.” But she says she doesn’t want to regret “not putting everything out there.” Which means she’s going to give it up in the Fantasy Suite, I think. At dinner, BS tells her he had “so much fun” with her and Lindsay says she is “so blessed.” BS asks her if she’d move to Dallas and – surprise! – she says yes. I mean, what else does this chick have going on that she can’t leave Wayensville, MO for? What was her “career” again? Retail associate?

During dinner, Lindsay is plucking up the nerve to tell BS that she loves him, and she starts off by reassuring him that she takes the whole thing “serious.” Grammar! After prattling on and spewing many platitudes, Lindsay is just. about. to. say. it when some Thai dancers come in and kill the vibe. BS says, somewhat creepily, “Will you dance like that for me later?” Apparently BS has a real traditional Thai dance fetish.

The dancers finally leave and BS gives Lindsay the Fantasy Suite card, which Lindsay reads extremely slowly, because words can be hard. Lindsay accepts the offer, and BS says in a voiceover that it’s possible that he and Lindsay will look back and realize that tonight was the night they decided to spend the rest of their lives together. Meanwhile, as he says this, sort of porn-y music is playing.

In the FS, Sean tells Lindsay, again, that she “could be [his] best friend,” which is what he wants. Then, after an extremely long and awkward pause punctuated by giggles and “ums,” Lindsay tells BS she loves him. He responds by smiling wanly and kissing her. Every girl’s dream! They smash their lips together a few times and oh, I don’t think Lindsay is going to win.

AshLee’s date is up next. She jogs up to meet him in ANOTHER crop top. Enough with the crop tops, AshLee. You were a young newlywed when they were last popular – time to let it go. BS and Ashlee take a boat and do that standing on the edge of the boat thing again. Ashlee says Sean is her “true love” and that she is “vulnerable,” and that she loves him “more than words can express.” No, we get it. Words are expressing it.

BS notes that Ashlee does not like to step outside of her comfort zone so he wants to challenge her. Of course. Today the challenge is to swim through a cave to get to their “own private beach.” Ashlee doesn’t look psyched. Because remember, you guys, she’s afraid of being abandoned? Because she was adopted? Did you guys forget that? Because that’s what happened. Just in case you forgot.

BS wants Ashlee to be able to let go of control because he wants his wife to be able to trust him. A good way to build trust, of course, is to set up artificial obstacles for your potential wife to overcome for the sake of a TV show. As Ashlee and BS go into the cave, she says she is “more vulnerable than [she’s] ever been in [her] life.” Except for that time she was abandoned. Eventually, BS and Ashlee make it out of the cave (surprise) and BS says that he loves feeling like Ashlee’s protector. Gross.

They emerge onto what BS refers to as a “pitcheresque” beach and Ashlee says the experience is “life-changing.” Oh, Ashlee. They stand in the water and make out. Ashlee says that no “two human beings” belong together more than she and BS do. Oh, Ashlee. Then she says “every part of [her] being wants to be engaged to Sean.” Oh, Ashlee.

They sit down to dinner and Ashlee frets about spending the night with BS. She says she’s not willing to “morally put [herself] out there” if BS is screwing two other women. Which, fair enough. But I think if I were on this show, I’d probably accept the FS card and then just not sleep with the lead, and I’d say something on camera like, “Yes, I accept this FS invitation, but no funny business, mister.” Just so everyone would be clear. Why doesn’t Ashlee do something like that?

After some meaningless dinner conversation about how awesome each of them is, BS pulls out a FS card and gives it to Ashlee. Moment of truth. BS says he wants Ashlee to feel “at ease” and that his ideal FS night would be to stay “up all night, talking.” I kinda believe BS, actually. Ashlee is convinced, apparently, and says yes. Ugh, I think she’s gonna win, you guys. She’s playing this pretty masterfully… Until she tells BS what kind of ring she likes and what size her finger is. CRINGE!! No she di’nt!!!

Ashlee says “this man has literally healed my broken heart.” Two things: 1) that’s not what literally means, and 2) please stop referring to BS as “this man.”

Time for BS’s date with Catherine. They take a junk boat out on the water and do the Titanic thing on the prow. It was only a matter of time until someone did the Titanic thing, let’s face facts. They drink two giant glasses of wine and Catherine tells BS he wants to see her as “serious,” not just silly. Catherine strikes me as quite young. Like, way too young for BS. He apparently worries about the same thing: he says he wonders if she’s ready to settle down in Dallas. And, if you’ll allow me a mini-rant, this is one of the many reasons why this show is ridick: because the relationships are not a two-way street. In Bachelor world, if you’re gonna “win Sean’s heart,” you have to be willing to move to Dallas. There’s no compromise or discussion of a possible middle ground or consideration of people’s careers or families or whatever. But in real life, unless you’re a mail-order bride, this is not how a marriage relationship works. There has to be give and take. A real person is not a prize to be won, and one person doesn’t make all the rules and set all the conditions (i.e., if Bachelor Sean and the undersigned enter into a promise of marriage, the undersigned shall move to Dallas). But the entire premise of the show is built on this goofy idea of competing for one person and, in the process, bending one’s entire personality and life goals to meet that other person’s desires. It’s pretty sick, really.

Anyway, back to this nonsense. Catherine tells BS she would be willing to leave Seattle because she’s tired of it, and she’s pissed at her family. Which are both great reasons to get married and move away. BS asks her what makes her ready for marriage, and she answers that she was in a long term relationship with someone and thought she was ready  for commitment until she got scared, and then she understood that she wasn’t scared. BS does not seem super reassured, but he says that his mind has been “put at ease.”

BS and Catherine go snorkeling and then make out in the rain and Catherine says it’s romantic but it’s actually the opposite of romantic. At this angle, BS can be seen to be actually licking Catherine’s face. Can we get Arie in here to give him a refresher course?

They go to dinner and BS asks where Catherine would see them in five years. She said “we would obviously be married” and they’d probably have a kid. She says that she’s “pretty traditional,” despite being “the weirdest person.” What exactly is weird about her, again? That she has a nose ring?

BS tells Catherine that he could see himself marrying her, but I am not so sure. I am kinda feeling like Catherine might get eliminated this week, based on BS’s facial expression alone as she talks. Catherine gives BS a long spiel about how she didn’t want to accept the FS card because she wanted to be perceived as a lady, but now she realizes it’s not about that, it’s about spending time alone. (Naked.) Actually, this is the first season of the Bach in recent memory where the ladies have expressed any misgivings at all about accepting the FS card, which is sort of admirable, I guess? Except they all end up doing it anyway. Although, who knows, BS strikes me as a man of his word and maybe he’s not actually banging these ladies. Except then Catherine says that “being intimate tonight is very important.” Ew.

Catherine tells BS she is self-conscious about her body because she felt chubby for most of her life. Ugh, Catherine, come off it. You already have a sad dad and dead friend story. You don’t need to pile on with an eating disorder story, too.

The next day, BS wakes up, shirtless, and knows who he needs to send home. Chris Harrison and BS meet for a chat and Chris Harrison brings up, somewhat unnecessarily, how BS got his own heart broken by Emily in Curacao. Seems so long ago, doesn’t it, folks? BS tells Chris Harrison how hard it’s going to be to send this mystery lady home. Polygamy is hard, eh, Sean? To make matters worse, BS has to watch a “private video message” from each woman. Private, except that we also get to watch them. This reminds me of how before Al and I got engaged, I made him a video message and he had to watch it in a resort and then decide if he really did want to marry me. Because that’s a normal step in any relationship.

BS’s expression as he watches Lindsay’s bland video message is unreadable. At first he smiles, then he swallows nervously, and then he smiles again. During Catherine’s message, he looks serious, but smiles at the end. During AshLee’s message, which, shockingly, involves references to her difficult past and tears, BS wavers between a frown and a smile. Then Ashlee starts really crying on camera and BS goes into full-on frown. Ashlee, pull it together, woman. She seriously seems emotionally unstable, you guys. This behavior is not normal. Now BS is really frowning. Oh, whoa, is he gonna send Ashlee home?? Stop playing with us with these expressions, BS!!!

Rain falls on the day of the rose ceremony. I am suddenly overtaken by a craving for Thai food. I could really go for some pad see ew right now, you know? Anyway. Sean walks out and compliments the women on how they look and says he has an “amazing” week and that he is “so blessed.” Yadda yadda yadda. Then, oddly, he brings up the “painful memories” of being sent home by Emily in Curacao. I feel like he should be over that by now, but okay.

BS picks up the first rose and gives it to… Lindsay.

And the second, and final, rose goes to… Catherine!!

Ho, sh*t!!! I really did not see that coming. You GUYS. He’s sending Ashlee home!! Oh noooz! I feel sorry for her, because she said all that stuff! BS tries to walk her out but she storms ahead of him. Oh, man. Ohhh man. She tells him to stay put and she walks to the car. Her anger is sort of scary and for a sec I think she’s gonna hit him. He tells her that he felt that their relationship was intense but… he doesn’t really explain what went wrong. He tells her he hopes she knows where he’s coming from, but I kinda don’t? Did some bad stuff go down in the FS? To her credit, Ashlee doesn’t say anything and just gets in the pensive SUV. It’s always painful when they beg and plead. In the pensive SUV, Ashlee says that this “wasn’t a silly game” to her and it wasn’t about “laughter and having fun,” which, to be honest, is probably why she’s being sent home.

This is not about laughter.

This is not about laughter.

Well. What a dramatic conclusion to this episode. Next week is Women Tell All, which is always pretty fun. Then, in two weeks, “Sean’s journey to find love comes to a dramatic end.” Which kinda makes it sound like he dies, but probably not. I am sort of dismayed with  his final two ladies. First, they’re both WAY young (24 and 25, I think). Lindsay is as bland as a piece of dry toast, except when she’s drunk, and Catherine, I suspect, has hidden (or not so hidden) baggage, what with the Sad Dad and the Eating Disorder and the Disapproving Asian Family and all. So we’ll see how this resolves itself. Until next week!


The Bachelor, Episode 8

OMG, OMG, hometown dates, you guys!! I am so excited to see how these families react skeptically to Sean at first and then are organically won over by him within five minutes. And it’s all coming up tonight… on the Bachelor. Except this happened on Monday and now it’s Thursday. But whatever.

First up is AshLee, who is from Houston, Texas. She says she had no idea what true love before she met Sean. Oh, please stop, AshLee, I don’t want to actually feel sorry for you; it makes it harder to make fun of you. BS shows up in Houston wearing a cropped jacket and meets AshLee and her little dog in a park. BS says that he knows AshLee is “emotionally invested” but doesn’t actually say that he himself is emotionally invested. I feel like this isn’t gonna go well for AshLee, you guys. I’m calling it now. Also, is everyone cool if I stop capitalizing the L in the middle of her name? Kay, thanks.

Oh, guess what, you guys, both BS and Ashlee have reverends for dads. As they discuss their dads, Ashlee says a lot of stuff favorably comparing BS to her dad and he looks really uncomfortable and sort of changes the subject to say that she is beautiful and amazing and possesses “many great qualities.” Like such as.

Ashlee reminds us that she has “stepped out of [her] comfort zone to trust this man” and that he has convinced her that he is going to protect her heart. But is he going to GUARD and protect her heart? That’s the real question. She also tells BS that she’s excited to tell her parents that she finally knows what love is. Aaaand this is painful. I just want Ashlee to stop talking and spare herself a TINY shred of dignity. Just a tiny shred! That’s all!

They go to Ashlee’s parents’ house and she says she has been dreaming of this day since she was 4 or 5. But… the Bachelor wasn’t on 28 years ago.  Check your math, Ashlee. Her parents seem nice, and I like that her dad has a moustache and comes out with a drink in his hand. They sit down outside and her dad asks questions about the Bachelor “process,” and Ashlee tells them about the Polar Bear Plunge and inexplicably starts crying. Please, please stop, Ashlee.  I’m begging you. I think even her parents are embarrassed by her at this point. Mom and Dad seem increasingly uncomfortable, especially when Ashlee tells them that she and BS “rolled around in the sand” in St. Croix and that she told BS she loves him.

Mom takes BS aside and asks if he is going to break Ashlee’s heart and he says, “No, ma’am, that’s not my intention.” Which is pretty much as close as you can come to saying, “I am not going to pick your daughter.” Right? Mom and BS talk more about Ashlee’s tough childhood, which I don’t think we’ve heard quite enough about yet (not). Then BS sits down with Ashlee’s dad, who immediately asks BS if he’s in love with his daughter. BS says he’s “crazy about” Ashlee, which, I’ve noticed, is his standard response. He said that to TP right before he sent her home, for crying out loud. This guy’s crazy about everyone. BS then asks if Ashlee’s dad would be okay with BS proposing to Ashlee and Dad says something slightly creepy about realizing that he, as a dad, will eventually be “replaced” in his daughter’s life by her husband. Um? I mean, her dad seems like a nice man and he chokes up talking about how he adopted Ashlee, but then he brings it back to the weird place by saying that whatever man Ashlee marries will have to “fall in love with her” like he did. Except different, right, Ashlee’s dad? Because romantic love between a husband and wife is pretty different from the paternal love a father feels for his child?

At the end of the day, Ashlee says the day was “magical.”

Now it’s time for BS to be whisked away to Seattle to meet up with Catherine, who I think is my least worst favorite out of all of these duds. She’s okay, you know? They go to the Seattle fish market and BS catches fish. He’s shockingly good at it. Catherine catches a fish, too. Hoorah. Catherine and BS then “spontaneously” dance in front of a guy playing a banjo, who avoids eye contact with them.

BS says he feels like a “big kid” with Catherine. The Bachelor is contractually obligated to say that he feels like a “big kid” at least once per season. He is also legally obligated to say that at least one of the meticulously staged and produced dates he goes on with one of the contestants is just like “what we’d do on a normal Saturday, like a normal couple.”

Turns out Catherine’s family is Filipino. So is she half Filipina, half Chinese? Why is her dad in China? I need answers here. Anyway, Catherine brings BS to her family home and introduces him to her mom, grandmother, and two sisters, both of whom are intimidatingly pretty. They eat lumpia and I wonder what Catherine’s mom thinks about super whitebread BS. He seems game enough. He helps Mom roll lumpia and does some pushups with Catherine on his back while everyone looks on indulgently.

Catherine tells her sisters how much she loves BS and they are skeptical. One sister points out that it’s not always going to be fun and goofy with BS, which, thank you, is something I always want to tell these contestants when I watch this show. Your date to the Seattle fish market with cameras following you as you giggle together is not actually real life, turns out!

Next, the sisters sit down with BS. He asks them if Catherine’s ready to settle down and they basically say no, and that when the fun wears off of the relationship, she takes off. Not awesome. They also tell him she’s very moody and messy (which, incidentally, are some of the lyrics of the Ashlee Simpson song “Pieces of Me,” and don’t ask how I know that). Catherine’s mom, meanwhile, seems super down-to-Earth and basically tells BS he wants Catherine to stay true to herself and that she doesn’t want Catherine to be led on. I really like Catherine’s mom. In fact, I want to hang out with this family and eat lumpia with them, I’ve decided. Sean, on the other hand, is sad because Catherine’s mom did not give him her blessing to marry Catherine, and her sisters brought up generic, slightly bad things about her personality. He says that the night “did not go as planned” and that he doesn’t know “how to move forward with Catherine.” Ugh, this always happens on this show: the Bachelor or Bachelorette can never handle any amount of skepticism, however tiny, which any SANE and RATIONAL family SHOULD have in this situation. So Sean’s gonna write off this chick because her mom thinks it’s weird that her daughter is competing for him on a reality show, and because her sisters said she can be messy sometimes? Hmm. I do like, though, that the producers seem to be taking a different tack and letting the families feel their feelings instead of being brainwashed/fed lines suggesting that they suddenly have seen the light and love the lead after a few minutes of banal conversation.

Next, BS goes to meet Drunk Lindsay’s family in a small town in Missouri called  Waynesville, which kinda says it all. Apparently Lindsay’s dad is a two-star general. Linsday meets BS outside of a building covered in bunting and flags, and we get it, you’re an army brat. BS says that Lindsay gives him butterflies and that she brings out the kid in him. Blech. They go to an antiques store and a restaurant and BS says “this is more closely related to real life than anything else.” Okay. He also says that Lindsay has “the biggest heart” and that she is “ready to start a family.” Isn’t she like, 24? I guess in Waynesville that’s child-birthin’ age. BS asks Lindsay what he should call her dad and she insists that he should not call him General, and should “just call him Mark.” Uh, no, Lindsay. He should not “just call him Mark.”

Before they meet her family, Lindsay makes BS wear a mock turtleneck and olive green fatigues and she yells at him and makes him do pushups. I’m sensing a trend here. When BS is battle ready, they go to the army base that her dad runs and to Lindsay’s parents’ house. BS says that her dad’s job is to “mak[e] men,” and that he hopes Mark can see that he is a man. Fingers crossed, Sean!

Lindsay’s dad wears an uncomfortable smirk as he welcomes BS into his house. Lindsay notes that if her dad doesn’t like BS, it’ll probably be a dealbreaker. High stakes!

Lindsay’s mom, Lisa, asks to speak to BS and seems won over before she’s even spoken to him. She asks if BS is falling in love with Lindsay and he says, “I’m not in a position to say that.” Lisa says she likes that answer because it’s honest. Which I guess is true, but also, hi, he’s saying he doesn’t love your daughter. Lisa tells BS that even though Lindsay is only 24, she’s ready to settle down and have a family. We get it, she wants to pop out babies. MESSAGE RECEIVED.

Lindsay’s dad is not so easy to win over, at first. He says he doesn’t want to see his kid hurt (fair enough) and BS nods and says he doesn’t want to hurt Lindsay but he “sees the potential” in her. Then he asks Mark for his blessing. Mark replies that he doesn’t know if he has an answer. Then he talks about being a paratrooper. Finally, he relents and says BS has his blessing, as long as Lindsay says yes. At the end of the night, Mark gives Lindsay and BS some dog tags. So this visit went pretty well, all in all.

Next up is Desiree, who lives in LA. This is the disaster date promised in the previews! Can’t wait! Des shows up to the date wearing a muscle tee over a sports bra and yoga pants. Huh. Interesting choice. BS shows up in his salmon colored shorts and a color block shirt. These are their hiking outfits, we learn. Des says she wants their date to be like an “ordinary Saturday.” They “hike” along a paved road and look over a smoggy canyon. BS says this is “her in her natural element.”

Des brings BS to her apartment, so I guess her parents are zipping up the tent for the night and are coming over for dinner? As Des and BS are preparing dinner, a knock comes on the door and this guy in a plaid shirt walks in and Des goes, “What are you doing here?” Come on – she has to know why this guy is here. This is a prank, right? The guy tells Des that he loves her and everything he says sounds like scripted lines. He’s like, “I love you. We were together for two years.” It’s all exposition about their past. This is not how people talk. After a few tense moments, Des tells BS that it is, in fact, a prank, and the guy is an actor. Ugh, lame.

Bachelor-Sean-Pranks-Desiree-Video

Finally, Des’s parents, Roxanne and Tony, show up. Her brother Nate also comes. For living in a tent, they look decent. At first, everything seems to be going well. As per usual, the mom is impressed with the lead immediately because he’s handsome and seems “sweet.” Dad is also immediately won over. Oof, what is wrong with these people? Maybe their tent doesn’t get TV reception so they’re not familiar with the concept of the show? Brother Nate, however, is not into this. At all. He tells Des not to “fall for nobody.” He is aggressively anti-this whole thing, which, again, I appreciate, even though I actually think BS is, at heart, a nice dude.

Then Nate pulls BS aside for a one-on-one chat and everyone looks nervous. Nate tells BS that he thinks Desiree is into Sean but Sean is not into her. BS seems taken aback. He remains polite, because he is BS, and he says that he’s “crazy about” Des. Of course. Nate shoots back, “Crazy about a lot of girls, right?” BURN. BS admits that he doesn’t know which girl he is going to choose but when God tells him, he’ll know, or something. Nate tells BS that he thinks he’s a “playboy,” and BS insists that’s not him. BS is getting red-faced and flustered. But BS, come on, you’re dating four women. “Playboy” seems like sort of a mild term for what you’re doing. My impression of this whole exchange is that Nate actually doesn’t seem like a bad dude. He’s just trying to protect his sister from getting her heart broken on national TV and he’s going about it in sort of an unsubtle, slightly rude way. But BS seems deeply troubled by it. Deeply, deeply troubled.

Nate and BS come back in the house and Des starts crying and it’s uncomfortable. BS bites his lip and nods as Des’s dad talks about the weather. BS concludes that he is not sure he can picture himself in a family with Nate, since, you know, Nate didn’t instantly love him. Is BS really incapable of understanding where Desiree’s brother and Catherine’s mom are coming from? After BS leaves and Des and her parents tell Nate off. They all defend BS and for some reason, I find this scene really sad and poignant. No joke. Their family just kinda makes me sad. I hate that this show has the power to make me feel melancholy. Damn you, Season 17 of the Bachelor!!

The producers mix it up a little and give us a mid-show shirtless shot of Sean getting dressed for the rose ceremony. BS says he sees “question marks” about his future with Des and Catherine after their families failed to properly kiss his ass. So he sits down for a chat with Chris Harrison in a room littered with candles. When I say littered, I mean LITTERED. Candles everywhere. Major fire hazard. Anyway, BS says he’s “confused” and he has “no idea” who he wants to send home, but it’s going to be either Catherine or Des.

After they chat, Chris Harrison comes out to tell the ladies that they should be nervous, and they are. BS is about to hand out the roses when Des asks to speak to him alone. She apologizes to BS for how her brother acted, and starts crying. It’s uncomfortable. BS says it’s okay and gives her a hug, but doesn’t kiss her. Hmm. Catherine, meanwhile, says in a confessional that she is wondering what the hell is going on, and whether she should have pulled him aside. Which I think means she is not going home, because when would they have filmed that confessional? Right?? RIGHT?

AshLee gets the first rose, which is kinda surprising. I thought she was gonna go home before I saw this episode, you know? Lindsay gets the next one. And, finally, after a long, glazed-eye stare, BS puts the rose down, lowers his head dramatically, and walks out of the room. That music that they play on Intervention (not the happy, post-rehab music, the pre-rehab, throes-of-addiction music) plays as BS pores over the women’s photos.

BS walks back in and gives Catherine the final rose. Des looks sad slash pissed. I do feel bad for her, even though the entire concept of this show is ridiculous. It actually makes me sad to think that her relationship with her brother might now be ruined because of this dumb show. Hopefully they’ll get over it, because this. sh*t. is. not. real.

BS walks Des out and they sit on a bench and he tells her that she has “every quality” he’s looking for in a wife and he kinda worries he’s making a mistake by sending her home. Desiree tells him she does think he’s making a huge mistake and that she could make him the happiest out of all the contestants. BS looks like maybe he might be swayed, but maybe he’s just uncomfortable. Hard to tell. After a long pause, he walks her to her pensive limo. He tells her he’s going to miss her and ugh, this is SO PAINFUL. Just say goodbye and be done with it. Either you want to marry her or you don’t. It’s that simple. They hug for a really long time and whisper things and then, finally, Des gets into the pensive limo. Sad string music plays as she drives off the Bachelor Manse property.

In her pensive limo, Des says she doesn’t know what she’s going to do about her life, which seems a liiiittle dramatic. Maybe look up that actor that played your fake ex-boyfriend? Just spitballing here.

So apparently, there’s a sit-down with BS called “Sean Tells All,” and I have it in my iTunes queue, but I have done too much blogging for today, so I think I am just gonna watch it without typing. But never say never. So, until next week, probably, when we are treated to a window into the “romantic overnight dates.” FANTASY SUITE TIME. See you then!


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