Bachelor Ben Goes Home(town), Part 2
Back with the Bachelor and Ben is in Nicki’s hometown of Fort Worth, TX. They look at cowboy boots and Nicki makes – wait for it – tortured boot analogies (“finding the right boot is like finding the right person”). Ben makes the poor decision to wear a cowboy hat that makes him look like a huge doofus. Later, after he has (mercifully) removed it, Nicki tells him about her divorce in very vague terms (“it was sad”).
Nicki’s parents are divorced but they get together to meet “Bin.” Nicki’s dad smiles but seems quietly suspicious of the whole business. Her mom, meanwhile, “like[s] Bin a lot” and sees an intense “connection” between him and her daughter. Oh, gross. Her mom seems like the kind of sad, clingy mom who tries to be best friends with her kid, which never works out well – I mean, just look at Madonna and Lourdes. I can already tell that Nicki’s mom is going to suck up to Ben hardcore.
Then, Nicki’s dad very cautiously tells Nicki that he is concerned because he doesn’t want to see her hurt again. ”I may have too readily given your hand in marriage the first time,” he says, which makes it sound like he had her hand hastily chopped off rather than carefully having it surgically removed. Nicki and her dad go on to have a tearful talk where he says he feels that he let her down the first time around by letting her marry that other guy. Nicki assures her dad that Ben is a “good man,” which he’s not, and omigod why doesn’t anyone on this show see this?
At dinner, Nicki’s dad, who has apparently come fully around to Ben’s side, gives a toast and tells everyone that Ben is a “tremendous young man” and that Ben has his total support. Oh, noooos! Why, Nicki’s dad?? After dinner, Nicki tells Ben she’s in love with him. Ohhh, noooooooooos!!! In response, Ben nods and smiles with his mouth closed. Lucky for him, he never even has to respond because Nicki leans forward and kisses him. Argh, Nicky, nooooo!
And now, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Ben’s hometown date with Courtney. She says to the camera she feels “badly” for treating the other women poorly. Yeaaaah, right. Meanwhile, Ben says it would bother him if he “ended up with someone who rubs people the wrong way.” Welp, Ben, I bet you’re kinda bothered right now, huh?
Courtney’s parents seem simultaneously waspy and tacky. Her dad, who looks like the love child of Jerry Sandusky and Joe Biden, welcomes Ben with a glass of wine, so, many points scored right off the bat, since Ben’s business is booze and his future in-laws MUST LOVE BOOZE. Courtney tells her family (and Ben) she “likes/loves” Ben. Her mom, the only one in the room with any apparent sense, calls her out on this ridiculous statement and announces that she is “not sold” on the whole Ben thing yet. Prediction: she will be sold by the end of this episode.
You know, seeing Courtney’s mom suddenly makes several things about Courtney make sense. Like her daughter, Mrs. Courtney has a weird, tight face and a strange, high voice and seems very weird and fake and robot-like. At least Courtney comes by it naturally?
Finally, Ben bids Courtney’s family goodbye and tells them that he has a “good feeling” about everything. Funny, because the rest of us have a really bad feeling about everything. Weird.
Ben and Courtney go out to a picnic bench and she tells him that she is “ready” (presumably for a sham engagement and increased media attention) and sees the next chapter of her life with Ben. Oh, and then it suddenly gets much worse: Courtney has set up a fake wedding. She explains that this was the “only way” she could envision letting Ben know she loves him. Right, of course. That’s obviously the only way.
She pulls out rings and a bow tie and her baby voice and she and Ben write vows for each other. This could not be more terrible. Oh, wait, yes it can – Ben says that he loves Courtney because she “challenge[s]” him. Oh, barf.
Some guy in a suit shows up out of nowhere to facilitate their fake vow reading. Ben’s stilted writing is about what I expected, maybe a littttle worse. But Courtney’s vows take the cake: the first sentence is blatantly plagiarized, almost word for word, from this Sex and the City speech:
Like she thinks we won’t notice?
At the end of their “romantic” vows, Courtney tells Ben she loves him and they exchange rings. Ben comments that this feels so “natural,” which causes my fiance to burst out laughing, because, come on.
Okay, almost time for la ceremonia de las rosas. Ben reflects on each of his hometown dates and it’s boring and stupid. Anyway – rose ceremony time. Ben, predictable as ever, gives Courtney the first rose, which she accepts with a heaping dose of baby voice. Poor Kacie B. is smiling at Ben like she thinks she’s going to get picked, but he picks Lindzi. So now it’s down to Kacie and Nicki. Kacie still looks pretty confident and Nicki just looks pissed. Aaaand he picks Nicki.
Kacie, poor thing, looks stunned. Ben walks her out and she cries a little bit. He says that it “breaks [his] heart” to let her go, which is clearly a lie, because if it “broke his heart” he wouldn’t actually send her home, amirite? Kacie handles herself pretty well and keeps smiling while Ben puts her in the cab. Impressive. I would have smacked him in the mouth, but that’s just me. Things get weird in the Pensive Limo Ride, though. She starts off okay but then quickly loses it, going into full ugly cry and berating herself. Things spiral out of control when she starts yelling at herself and crying (“What the f*** happened?!”). I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this is the most embarrassing Pensive Limo Ride ever. I am cringing like whoa over here.
Back at the manse, Ben doesn’t even seem sad. He’s like, “Well, that was sad. Guess what, we’re going to Switzerland!!! Yaaaay!!!”
Can’t wait for next week – FANTASY SUITE TIME. Ewww!!
Bachelor Ben Goes Home(town), Part 1
Hey all – sorry I missed the Bach last night – I was in Nicaragua with my man but now I am back and bloggin’ it up. And this week is gonna be juicy, y’all: the remaining four women bring home their (shared) “boyfriend” to meet their families in a ritual that Ben obnoxiously refers to as “hometowns.”
First hometown is Lindzi’s. She claims she has only brought home one other man to meet her family, and he broke up with her, which was sad. Great story, Lindzi! She rides up on a horse (shock) to meet Ben, who says he can “very well see [him]self falling in love with her,” which is a stupid way of saying that he is not, in fact, falling in love with her. I notice that he seems to shy away when she hugs him around the neck. Uncomf.
Ben and Linzi climb onto an awkward standing carriage led by an old, confused horse and slowly trot zig-zagging down a road. Meanwhile, Lindzi makes lots of tortured horse-related analogies about love (“if you fall off, you have to get back on… the relationship”). They sit down in a field and have the most predictable of all Bachelor conversations about how Lindzi has “walls” that are “coming down” and how she feels “vulnerable.” I’m fighting back the urge to fast-forward. Fighting really hard here. The word “vulnerable” is tossed around with wild abandon: as Lindzi fills Ben in on her last relationship, Ben avoids eye contact and tells her he’s glad she’s being “vulnerable,” to which she says, “Vulnerable is a big word for me.” Well, it does have four syllables, so…
Lindzi’s parents, Harry and Margy Cox, meet Ben and Lindzi in the middle of a field and they drink wine as Lindzi enthusiastically details all of her dates with Ben. Her parents reveal that they got married in SF City Hall (where Ben and Lindzi had their first date) and Lindzi says, “Really?” Wait, she didn’t know where her own parents got married? Seriously, Lindzi?
My impression of Lindzi’s parents are that they are trying waaaaay too hard to make Ben like them. They have set up an elaborate carriage racing course on the field and Lindzi’s dad (Harry Cox) encourages Ben to “trash talk” him. Lindzi laughs maniacally.
After the manic carriage race, they all go back to Lindzi’s parents’ house and Lindzi tells her mom in private that she is “falling for” Ben. Margy says that Ben seems nice but she doesn’t want to see Lindzi get hurt again. This is, of course, the Bachelor trope in which the parent appears initially concerned but caves within approximately five minutes and welcomes the Bachelor(ette) with open arms.
Ben, meanwhile, tells Lindzi’s dad that he is “not ready to propose to anyone yet” but has good intentions towards Lindzi. Her dad responds that he wants them to continue to work on their relationship. Uh. That might not happen, Lindzi’s dad. Why is Harry Cox not more concerned that Ben seems completely noncommittal towards his kid? Jeez, get with it, Harry Cox. At the end of the night, Harry tells Ben that he would be “honored” to have Ben as a son-in-law. Huh? My fiance, who is watching out of the corner of his eye, points out that there’s something supremely awkward about Ben preemptively asking Lindzi’s father if he can marry her, you know, just in case he does decide to propose to her instead of one of the three other women on the show, and Lindzi’s father being like, “Okay, cool.”
Ben says at the end of the night that Lindzi “would fit into [his] life very easily” which kinda sums up Ben, doesn’t it? Like it never occurs to this joker that marriage is not about slotting another person into your life. It actually requires — believe it or not — altering your own life! Gasp!
It’s Kacie B.’s turn for her hometown date! Poor thing says she can “definitely see [Ben] as [her] husband,” which is just… not good. Ben shows up to a playing field and is greeted by a marching band with Kacie twirling her baton in the back. That’s kinda her party trick, huh? Seeing how excited Kacie is to see Ben and how lukewarm he is to see her gives me the sads. Is he capable of any emotion at all? What is he, a robot? A robot with bad hair?
Kacie explains to Ben that the playing field that they’re on was named for her grandfather. She then tells him a really sad, romantic story about how her grandmother died of a broken heart after her grandfather died and Ben responds, “That’s great” with all of the enthusiasm of a wet mop. I really hate this guy for being so cold to this poor 24-year-old girl. She’s so into it and he’s totally stringing her along while he bides his time, skinny-dipping with Courtney. What an a-hole.
Before they go to meet her parents, Kacie warns Ben that her dad is a probation officer and doesn’t drink, which is “strike one” for Ben since his “business is booze.” Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely a pre-requisite for any marriage that one’s parents-in-law support one’s business (not). Upon hearing this, Ben tells Kacie he doesn’t know what to expect and acts really negative. Off to a good start.
At dinner, Kacie’s shockingly young-looking mom and age-appropriate dad seem polite but skeptical. After dinner, Kacie sits down with her sister Allison to discuss Ben. Allison asks Kacie why she’s so sure about Ben and Kacie answers, rather obtusely, that “you have to take risks” and “you can’t just settle.” Which doesn’t really answer the question at all, does it? It sounds like the whole thing boils down to Kacie wanting to rebel against her parents’ uptightness, which, you know, is probably not the best reason to marry someone.
Meanwhile, Denny, Kacie’s dad, grills Ben. Denny seems like a normal, protective dad who isn’t drinking the Bachelor Kool-Aid, which is so refreshing. Ben twists in the wind and tries to convince Denny that he is taking marriage seriously. Denny’s not buying it. Ben tells Denny he has strong feelings for Kacie but also has feelings for “some of these other women as well.” Denny says, quite reasonably, “If Kacie is not the one, I’d hope that would be communicated to her soon.” Imagine that!
Kacie’s mom, meanwhile, who appears to be about 5 years older than Kacie, tells Ben that she has a real problem with the idea of Kacie and Ben shacking up before marriage. Ben says he’s “glad” she is sharing her concerns (he’s not) and that he has “traditional values” (he doesn’t).
Later, Kacie and her dad sit down and he tells her that he hopes that Ben and she would date more and get to know each other and urges her to make careful, “prayerful” decisions. I mean — this is weird because this all makes sense to me. This might be the first time on the Bachelor that the parents haven’t just capitulated and sucked up to the Bachelor(ette). Amazing! Kacie tells her dad that she’s falling in love with Ben and he has the gall to ask if the other three women are also falling in love with Ben, also. She says “I don’t know” but that she would say yes if Ben asked her to marry him. Kacie’s dad says that based on the current situation, he wouldn’t give his blessing. This makes Kacie B. sad and defensive. I feel bad for Kacie because she’s reacting to her parents’ completely reasonable concerns in exactly the way that I would have reacted when I was her age. That’s how dumb, 24-year-olds react to things. I mean, this girl seems so sweet and naive, has no worldly experience and actually does need her parents to protect her from her judgment (or lack thereof). This won’t end well for poor Kacie, methinks.
Part 2 coming later!
Bachelor in Belize, Part 2
We’re back, and it’s time for Courtney’s one-on-one date – this should be painful to watch. Ben, who may not speak English as his first language, says: “Courtney and I’s date this week will be better than the last.” Apparently Ben subscribes to the school of grammar that believes that “I” is a fancier version of “me” and “my.”
They go to a Mayan temple and Courtney says she feels “so small.” Ew. They sit down in the temple and Courtney tells Ben she had a “tough day” because he had gone out with Emily, who had said “nasty things” to Courtney. She then tells him that she won’t bring him home unless she knows where they stand, oh, and also, that their spark is gone. This woman knows how to play a man, I’ll give her that. She’s like a Machiavellian dating mastermind – she’s making Ben fear and love her! Ben, of course, takes the bait and says he’d be “crushed” if she left and that he respects Courtney for telling him her feelings. Pshaw, like Courtney has feelings! He also reassures her that she “stands out” among the other women, which obviously means that he likes that she’s always flashing her boobs at him. He adds that she seems “weird” and he likes that because he’s “weird,” too. I think Ben thinks that Courtney is weird in a Zooey Deschanel way, but Courtney’s weird in more of a Jeffrey Dahmer way. And, I suspect, Ben thinks he’s weird in a Joseph Gordon Levitt way but he is not actually weird, he just has bad hair.
They climb to the top of the temple and Ben brings up his Dead Dad and says in a voiceover he “sees [his] life with this woman.” Courtney busts out the baby voice and tells Ben that they “fit nicely together.” Heebie-jeebies up in here!
They go to dinner and Ben marvels at the fact that “all it took” to relight the spark for Courtney was to spend time with him. Funny how that works, eh, Ben? Her machinations are so transparent to everyone except him, because he be stuuuupid. Oh, boy, now he’s telling her that he “believe[s] in soul mates.” Holy crap, really? He thinks this woman is his soul mate? He’s dumber than I thought, and I thought he was DUMB.
Finally, Ben asks Courtney why she doesn’t get along with the other women and she says it’s because they haven’t made an effort to get to know her, whereas she has tried really hard to get to know them. She says: “I’ve tried to be nice to every girl… but these aren’t people I would be friends with in real life,” because they’re “so vanilla.” As Courtney rants about how boring and self-absorbed the other women are, you can almost see the little wheels slowly turning in Ben’s head as his face becomes more and more frowny. Ben asks Courtney if she has many girl friends and she says she has “a lot of guy friends.” Ben’s frown increases.
Courtney snaps that doesn’t want to waste her time discussing the other women with Ben. He says that he is concerned about her apparent inability to connect with others. Her answer: “Do you know what my job is like? I’m the talent and I have to make everyone happy. I am really well-rounded and I can adapt to anything.” First of all: she just called herself “the talent,” so, strike one. Second of all: she sounds like an honest-to-God psychopath. She can “adapt to anything” because she’s entirely lacking in empathy for others and knows how to manipulate people to get what she wants. So that’s kind of a bad sign.
Ben says it’s hard for him to believe that Courtney is two-faced but he’s bothered that she gets defensive about her relationships with the other women. But, he says, he doesn’t want to push her because she’ll feel “attacked.” Funny, because he hasn’t had qualms about “pushing” or “attacking” any of the other women, especially Emily.
Time for the group date, which involves Ben waking the three unlucky women (Rachel, Kacie B. and Nicki) up at 4 am for an “adventure.” They all hurry to shave off all of their body hair before meeting Ben on the pier. Then they get on a catamaran and drink champagne and sail off to go shark diving, which, of course, represents “conquering your fears,” which, of course, is a key part of any relationship. Yeah, no. I’m pretty sure that my relationship with my fiance would benefit not at all from him forcing me to go diving with sharks. Pretty sure that would just piss me off.
Oh, and guess what, guys? Sharks are Rachel’s GREATEST FEAR.
Ben sits on the boat like a weenie while Kacie B. and Nicki dive in like badasses and face down the sharks, which seem rather lethargic and uninterested in eating humans. Rachel, who is rapidly becoming my second least favorite woman on this show, lingers behind with Ben and milks her “phobia” for all it’s worth until finally, she and Ben jump into the water. They stay at the surface while the sharks chill on the bottom, completely uninterested.
After the “dangerous” encounter with sleepy sharks, the group heads over to the hotel pool to have more drinks and Ben pulls aside Rachel for some alone time. She tells him she wants him to come home and meet her family and he kisses her, presumably to shut her up, because honestly? If Ben goes to Rachel’s hometown, I’ll eat my hat. Girlfriend is the most boring person alive (even more boring than Ben) and when she does open her mouth, she’s annoying. And she doesn’t even go topless, like Courtney! What’s she bringing to the table, anyway?
Next, Nicki corners Ben and brags about how “down to Earth” her childhood was and assures him that her family would love him. Then she tells Ben that she’s falling in love with him. She seems real drunk. Reaaaallll drunk.
In the pool, Kacie tells Ben she wants him to meet her family and that her mom would be “super excited,” but her dad would be “concerned.” I like you, Kacie’s dad. She also tells Ben she’s falling in love with him and he says, “really.” Oh, jeez. That’s not good. Kacie, though, says she knows Ben can’t tell her he’s falling in love too but his “smile” and “kiss” mean more than words. Umm… pretty sure he’s allowed to say he’s falling in love.
Ben does an awkward, mini-rose-ceremony where he faintly praises each woman in turn (“Rachel, today you were scared, and that made it real”). Kacie B., however, is ultimately rewarded for “wearing [her] heart on [her] sleeve” and gets the rose, which means she is safe from elimination tonight. Courtney says that Kacie is like a “little girl in a little boy’s body” (ouch?) and therefore is not competition to her.
The three ladies then tell Ben that they want him to be happy and sort of tiptoe around the fact that Courtney maybe sorta kinda might be evil. He asks to hear their opinions and they tell him to be “cautious about Courtney.” Nicki hints that Courtney may not care about Ben at all and is not there for the right reasons (gasp!).
Okay, most dramatic final cocktail party/rose ceremony ever, y’all. Rachel says that the mood is “somber.” In fact, the word “somber” is bandied about quite a bit by these women, although I’d be willing to guess most of them only have a tenuous understanding of what it means. Courtney tells the girls to chill out and says “Ben isn’t the only guy in the world.” Emily seems scandalized by this statement. The idea!
Chris Harrison emerges out of a puff of smoke and passes on the message that Ben doesn’t want to have a cocktail party and instead wants to go straight to the rose ceremony. This prompts much soul-searching in the women — at least, among the women who have a soul. Courtney seems cool with it.
The women line up in the tiki hut of doom and await their fate. I am actually kinda nervous here! Obviously Ben’s too dumb to send Courtney home but can we at least hope that Rachel gets sent packing?
Ben reminds the women that hometown dates are coming up next week — and then, in a “surprise” twist, Ben pulls Courtney aside. The other women seem borderline hysterical. Ben tells Courtney he knows it’s been difficult for her and he wants to know if she’s “in this.” Courtney uses the timeless “I’m not here to make friends” excuse and tells Ben she thinks they can “make each other really happy in life.” Apparently, Ben is convinced and they come back after approximately one minute. Anticlimactic.
Time to hand out las rosas. Nicki gets the first one. Lindzi gets the second one. Ohhh, this is nerve-wracking! I’m seriously kinda nervous, guys, this is weird!
Oh, boy, Courtney gets the last rose and Emily and Rachel look all stabby. Emily shoots Courtney what my fiance would call a “frost grin” then the girls all hug goodbye (except Courtney) and the two rejects leave. Rachel, indeed, feels “very rejected” and looks like a mess.
As Emily is leaving, Courtney says, “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya,” because she’s 10 years old. And a huge b***h, let’s be real. Emily handles herself pretty well when leaving and says she hopes that there’s enough time left for Ben to see Courtney’s true colors. Meh, don’t count on it, Em.
Wow, I really cannot wait for next week. Can’t wait to see Courtney’s parents – I’m picturing a middle-aged version of Guy and Rosemary Woodhouse (note: I made a meme to that effect but couldn’t figure out how to insert it, so here you go: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/363m8n/)
See you next week!
Bachelor in Belize, Part 1
Happy Monday everyone! I’m approaching this week’s episode with a mix of trepidation, disgust, and excitement, which is the perfect cocktail of emotions for effective Bachelor watching. This week, we’re down to just six obnoxious women and one uniquely stupid man. This episode should be interesting because, according to the previews, the “ladies” (and I use that term loosely) turn on Courtney and, I’m pretty willing to bet, Ben ignores them. Let’s go!
Ben shows up this week wearing an ill-fitting wife-beater and a farmer’s tan and tells us that you get a “real sense of island life in Belize,” even though, you know, Belize is not an island.
Kacie B., meanwhile, says that she is “as in love with Ben as [she] can get.” I used to feel bad for Kacie B. because she seemed nice — and she does seem nice — but it’s hard to drum up much sympathy for someone who is “in love” with Ben Flajnik. I mean, lady needs her head checked (or at least her eyesight, amirite?).
Chris Harrison emerges from dark shadows to tell the ladies what’s coming up: three one-on-one dates and one group date, with no rose offered on the one-on-ones. Ruh-roh! At the end of the week, only FOUR women will remain. Which means that TWO people get eliminated this week. Math!
Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date and Nicki fills rill sad about it. She is finally recognizing how deep her fillings are for Ben, which is tough, you know?
Ben wanders out to the pool wearing a striped wifebeater with a pocket (I can’t make this sh** up) and picks Lindzi up for her date, which involves — wait for it — a HELICOPTER. Lindzi says in a voiceover that now that she’s met Ben, she wants “kids and marriage and forever.” Ben says that she is a “special woman.”
They chopper over something called “the Blue Hole,” which, I must admit, looks pretty freakin’ awesome (see pic above). Then, Ben tells Lindzi they are going to jump off the helicopter into said hole. Lindzi (SHOCKER!) is “scared of heights.” This falls into the faithful Bachelor pattern of forcing contestants to go on dates involving their “greatest fear,” which usually involves water and/or heights, followed by triumphant making out in the water/while hanging from a bungee cord, as a tired metaphor for “taking risks” in relationships. And guess what? Lindzi and Ben jump out of the helicopter and kiss at the bottom! And this teaches Ben that “there’s nothing [he and Lindzi] can’t accomplish together!” Except maybe, you know, actually having a relationship?
After the Blue Hole, Lindzi and Ben go on a dinner date and they make out a lot, which I find baffling. I mean, at least Bachelor Brad, while dumb as a box of rocks, was handsome. Not my type, but classically handsome, at least. Ben, meanwhile… I just don’t get it. Since I really don’t want to keep snarking on his looks, can we all just take a moment and agree that if this were real life, none of these women would take a second look at him? Like, ever in a million years? I find it particularly baffling that Emily, who seems smart and funny and is getting an epidemiology PhD, is interested in this joker, but desperation/fame-whorin’ runs deep, I suppose.
Anyway, Lindzi and Ben snuggle up to each other and drink wine (did they actually eat dinner?) and yikes, is it just me or is their conversation really stilted and awks? After some long pauses, Ben asks Lindzi if she’s ready to bring him home to meet her fam, since this is a “two-way street.” Whoa, did Ben just acknowledge someone else’s feelings? Whaaat? Does not compute.
They trade some more cliches involving the word “leap” (“it’s a leap of faith;” “we took quite the leap today;” “you just have to close your eyes and leap”). Lindzi haltingly tells Ben that she’s “falling for” him, the meaning of which, even after this many seasons of watching the Bachelor franchise, I still don’t understand.
By the way, this date has to have the all-time record for number of Bachelor tropes in a row:
1. Helicopter
2. “Leap of faith” stunt involving jumping off of something
3. Lindzi saying she’s “falling for” Ben
4. Several “fairy tale” references
5. Several “Prince Charming” references (holy moly)
You know, I was sort of neutral on Lindzi before this but now, after hearing her say that Ben is “a Prince Charming,” I hate her. Sorry. There’s no coming back from that. Also, I have to point out that even though Ben and Lindzi make out a lot, I don’t think they actually have a ton of real chemistry. Ben says stuff like “we’re comfortable with each other,” which I bet he doesn’t say about Courtney the Bare Chested.
Now it’s Emily’s turn for a one-on-one date. She seems super giddy about this and says she is “ready to fall in love.” Courtney looks like she wants to murder Emily in her sleep/while she is awake.
Emily takes a sea-plane to meet Ben on an island, where they ride bikes around the adorable town. I sense a dancing with local children scene coming up, any moment now… oh, wait, even better – they jump in on a local basketball game. How considerate of them. And THEN they dance to a local band. Check and check.
After interrupting the pickup game and ruining the band’s jam session, Ben “spontaneously” approaches a friendly local man at the docks who was definitely not planted there by the producers and asks him to take them diving for lobsters. Emily seems really impressed by how “spontaneous” Ben is. Huh, maybe this one’s not so smart after all. They proceed to have the creepiest date ever, which involves trying to hook lobsters under the water, as they dart around and act all tentacle-y. For the record, I would officially HATE this date.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Courtney is crying crocodile tears and claiming she feels “let down” because Ben doesn’t stand up for her to Emily. Oh, puh-leeeeze. Then she says she’s not ready to introduce Ben to her family. Oh, nooos! Guys, she doesn’t know how much more she can take! We’re all so upset to hear this, Courtney!
Back on the island, Emily and Ben are dancing with local people and just really going for it, and it’s pretttty terrible. After that, they go to the pier and sit down for a lobster dinner. Ben asks Emily if she feels confident enough to bring him home to her family. Emily answers, rather circuitously, that what bothers her about the whole Courtney thing (i.e., Courtney being evil and Ben being a dick) is that Emily and Ben lost valuable time where they could have gotten to know each other better, but now she is focusing on him (wait, hasn’t she given him this exact same speech before? Like, word for word?) and she DOES feel ready for her parents to meet him. She “formally” invites Ben back to North Carolina to meet her family and he says “thank you” and tells her she’s beautiful and that he enjoys their chats. Hmmm.
Part 2 will come in a few!
Bachelor Goes to Panama
This week the Bachelor and his harem of hussies are in Panama City, Panama.
Kacie B. gets the first one-on-one date and Boobly barely restrains herself from scratching out Kacie B.’s eyes. Guess what Kacie B.’s and Ben’s date involves? A HELICOPTER.
They unnecessarily chopper over to a “deserted island” called San Blas. The stupid conceit of this date is that they have to “survive” with only a machete, a Swiss Army knife, and a fully equipped camera crew to rely on. They go fishing with a net and dredge up one of the fully cooked tuna steaks that the producers no doubt left in the surf for them to find. But they don’t actually eat it for dinner, which takes place on an outdoor patio somewhere back on the mainland, within earshot of an incessantly barking dog. Conversation is dull until Kacie B. brings up the fact that she had an eating disorder in high school, as if that sets her apart from all of the other emaciated contestants. Ben seems underwhelmed, but he gives her a rose anyway. Cue soaring music as hackneyed make-out-in-the-rain scene commences.
Time for the group date on the Chagres River. Ben drives up to meet the women in a boat and Jamie (whoever she is — has she been here the whole time?) comments that he’s “such a man’s man.” Sure, honey. Sure he is.
As they cruise down the river in the boat, they happen upon some kids in loin cloths playing soccer with a shockingly new looking ball. Thanks, ABC producers! The villagers all agree it was totally worth exploiting their culture in return for that soccer ball. Ben and the women then “stumble upon” a village where local people in native garb are waiting to deck them out in, well, native garb. Courtney, being the insensitive boob she is, decides to wear the traditional beads over her bare chest, rather than wearing a bikini top like everyone else. She makes sure to shake her tits provocatively at a group of small Panamanian children. The locals appear stunned. Ben shows up in a loin cloth and leads the ladies in a body-painting excursion. I can’t even write about Courtney’s antics at this point because they’re so tired and obnoxious. I hate her, you hate her, everyone except Bonehead Ben hates her. And he’s proven himself to be such a tool over the last few episodes that I really think he and Courtney deserve each other, at least, for the four months they’ll stay together after this show wraps.
Back on dry land, Lindzi tells Ben that she “[doesn't] believe in fighting,” which makes sense, if you exclusively date Japanese body pillows. She also tells him that she has cried over the realization that her “boyfriend has a couple other girlfriends.” Sudden polygamy’s the pits, eh, Lindzi?
Courtney’s turn for alone time. Ben says that “Courtney and I’s relationship” has really been great. And that, right there, is the reason he deserves all the unhappiness in the world.
Meanwhile, Ben tells Courtney that he loves how assertive she is and to keep it up! Sigh.
Jamie (her?) decides she wants to kiss Ben, so she wrangles some alone time with him — or so she thinks, because meanwhile, Courtney is in the background swimming and prancing provocatively. Oh, she’s terrible. Just terrible.
Ben and Emily eventually have some alone time and she tells him that there’s another man in her life… and it’s the chief from the Panamanian village! Oh, haha. That actually was pretty clever. Ben asks Emily if they’re “past” all of the “house drama” (i.e., Emily trying to warn him off the one bad seed in the house) and she says yes. Later, she even apologizes to Courtney for “misjudging” her. Courtney makes a horrible, sour face and says, “well, I appreciate you being direct with me because I respect that… but in real life, we wouldn’t be friends and I don’t respect the way you talked about me, and I don’t take being disrespected lightly.” And on and on and on. Courtney rages at Emily for talking shit about her for an uncomfortably long time, thereby negating Emily’s earlier conclusion that she had misjudged Courtney.
But, in a nice twist of events, Lindzi gets the rose. Courtney, never one to take things lying down, invites Ben to her room but he doesn’t show up. Ooh, burn!!
Time for an excruciating two-on-one date with Rachel and Boobly. Neither of these women have discernable personalities, but at least Boobly has other stuff going for her. Like her boobs. They go to a salsa dancing lesson and they all suck, especially Ben. Boobly, however, sluts the joint up with lots of kicks and low dips. Rachel, too, tries to do sexy hip wiggles, but fails. It’s like a weird sexy-off between these two. Upping the ante, Boobly throws what appear to be some simulated sex acts into the mix but Rachel can only bob around awkwardly in response. This salsa lesson sure is long.
The threesome finally goes to dinner and it manages to be both uncomfortable and boring. Ben, to break the silence, I guess, asks Rachel to chat privately. She tells him that “some things come with time” and that there is “something great” between them. He makes out with her, as always, because he doesn’t have anything else to say to her. Next, Boobly gets some alone time with Ben and she tears up and tells him she doesn’t want to lose him before getting to know him. Then, in the coup de grace of awkwardness, she busts out a scrapbook with his name on it, which demonstrates in magazine clipping form all the special things she likes about him. I’m not making this up. She walks him in great detail through all the generic pictures she’s pasted into the book (“this is a picture of Puerto Rico”) and he seems horrified. He manages to pull himself together enough to kiss her a little bit, which, let’s be honest, is kinda the least he can do. Poor Boobly.
At the end of dinner, Ben gives Rachel the rose (ohhhh nooooo) and Boobly storms out. Dude, I would storm out, too, after all that! Ben goes after her and convinces her to let him “explain” and he proceeds to tell her he has other relationships that are “so far past where we would begin to start.” Ugh, really Ben? Could he be any meaner? After poor, simple Boobly gave him that sad scrapbook he’s gonna send her home? That’s pretty low, mister. As Ben puts a sobbing Boobly into a car, she tells him she still cares about him clings to his neck. Ugh. Could this get any more depressing?
Rachel, meanwhile, has morphed into a Courtney wanna-be, telling the camera smugly that she has the rose and Boobly does not. Oh, shove it, Rachel, Ben doesn’t even like you, he just likes Boobly less.
Meanwhile, in the vagina-shaped tower, the girls are chatting when Chris Harrison wanders in and asks Casey S. if he can speak privately with her. Chris tells her that he’s learned that she has a boyfriend back home, and that he spoke with said boyfriend, who confirmed that Casey S. and he are still dating. Casey denies it at first and then sort of backpedals and admits she still is in love with the guy back home, even though they broke up (right). Chris suggests she speak with Ben. Eek!
Casey tells Ben that she came to the show trying to get over someone she was in love with, and that she’s not completely over him yet. Ben says he wishes that she had been honest with him from early on. Casey starts bawling and tells Ben that she wants to be with someone who wants to get married but she loves someone who doesn’t want to get married, and she doesn’t want that. She doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. In response, Ben says, “the heart wants what the heart wants.” That’s right, he just quoted Woody Allen’s famous justification for sleeping with his own daughter. Then he tells Casey she should leave. Dang. Casey gets a pensive minivan ride to the airport and makes weird moan-y noises as she cries.
So that was weird.
Later, during the cocktail party, Jamie tells Ben she has “really big plans” for what she wants to “do to” him. Whoa, whoa, whoa – what now? Ben looks genuinely excited for a sec but then Jamie follows her big sexy talk up with lots of fast talking and awkward straddling. She proceeds to completely ruin whatever sexy factor she had going for her by detailing exactly how they should kiss each other by dictating when Ben should open and close his mouth. After approximately 10 seconds of this, Ben freaks out and tells her he can’t “deal with it” and stands up. Aaaand just when I thought he couldn’t be more of a jerk, he goes and surprises me. Poor Jamie. She tried, but she just got a bit nervous and verklempt and Ben is going to punish her for it, you just watch.
Time for the rose ceremony. It goes: 1) Nicki, 2) Courtney, and 3) Emily (why does he always save Emily for last? That’s a dick move, right?). As predicted, poor, weird, nervous Jamie gets sent home. In her post-rejection confessional, she says she could “see a future with” Ben but she’s “scared of love.” Girrrrl. You serious?
That’s all for this week. See you next week in BELIZE!
Bachelor – Dispatch from Puerto Rico, where Courtney was, like, two months ago.
I’m jumping into the Bachelor late tonight because I just got done with work — at 10 pm. *Combined sigh/eye-roll.* So, I probably won’t blog the whole thing tonight but I gotta make a few comments. I just gotta.
Re: divorcee Nicki’s date – I’ve just got a couple of tips for ol’ Nicki: 1) stop saying “fairy tale,” 2) stop saying that you’re “really falling for” Ben, and 3) stop saying that Ben’s the “man of [your] dreams” because, you know, no. He’s not. He’s not the man of anyone’s dreams. Fact.
Okay, now we’re onto the baseball game date. I am literally fast-forwarding over it because I don’t care. Okay, I stopped fast-forwarding for a sec and I hear high-pitched shrieking. Aaaand resuming fast-forwarding. And wow, do some of these girls run like girls (even in fast-motion). Okay, stopping. I feel it must be said that Ben looks like a turtle with his little pin-neck sticking out of his giant jersey. How do these women look at him with his little head and big jersey and find him attractive? Can we get them on a group date where they all get Lasik?
Okay so the red team wins the baseball game and they get to go on a “romantic beach date” with Ben, while the other girls, the unfortunate blue team, sit around and cry. All of them. Crying. Boobly takes it especially hard. Poor Boobly.
Romantic group beach date time! I like how the producers are letting Courtney narrate this entire thing (“she’s annoying,” “she’s dumb,” “she’s ugly”). She’s like a mean, biased color commentator who only talks in a baby voice.
Kacie B. snags some alone-time with Ben and asks him about his past relationships and he says they all ended because he loved women and they didn’t love him back. It’s cute how he’s pluralizing as if there is more than one past “serious relationship,” because he’s obviously referring to Ashley, the girl who rejected him on national TV because, indeed, she didn’t love him back. Anyway, Ben gives Kacie B. the rose and you can see the evil wheels in evil Courtney’s evil head turning! She’s up to something.
Now it’s time for personal trainer Elise’s one-on-one date with Ben. Elise, I think it’s safe to say, will not win this thing. But I have to give her credit for having one of the orangest tans I’ve ever seen outside the context of the Jersey Shore. I mean, let’s be real: that orangeness don’t come easy. You gotta work at that. Elise and Ben go out on a boat and Elise gives him a laundry list of all the things she gave up to be on the show, including leaving her job. Then, in abrupt about-face, she kinda proposes to Ben and he laughs awkwardly in response. This is going great, Elise!
Later, Ben and Elise go to dinner on a beach and Ben wears a wildly inappropriate tuxedo and NO SHOES. NO SHOES and a TUXEDO. The dinner conversation is awkward. Ben asks Elise what she meant when she said earlier that she had accomplished everything she wanted to in life already, and she said no, actually, what she meant is that she has accomplished everything she wanted to as a single person. Then she quickly says how much she wants to be in a relationship, and engaged, and married! Ben looks uncomfortable and plays with his douchey hair.
Elise asks Ben to be honest with her – uh oh, big mistake, Elise! Don’t ever ask Ben to be honest with you. Learn from Samantha’s mistakes! So, Ben picks up the rose and starts telling Elise how great of a first impression she made, and she grins, thinking something nice is coming, like the rose that he’s twiddling in his fingers. But then he says, “Unfortunately, I was hoping for some things today that I just didn’t find.” He’s still holding the rose. Dude, Ben just pulled an Ashley on this girl. Cold. Ben tells Elise that his relationships with “a lot of these other women” are “so far past” what Elise and Ben could “even get to.” Whoa, don’t sugarcoat it, Ben. Make sure you let her know she is FAR inferior to MANY of the other women. Meanwhile, Elise’s eyes are welling with tears. Tact is not Ben’s strong suit, we are learning.
Elise gets led out into the water for her Pensive Boat Ride back to shore and a sad David Gray song plays as she is boated away. I’m confused: why did Ben get rid of Elise, who seemed nice, if not a bit orange, but kept Rachel, who had *literally* nothing to say to him during their date? I mean, it’d be one thing if he were uniformly brutal to these biddies but he seems so inconsistent.
So after the sad David Gray song fades out and Elise is boated back to Jersey, Courtney shows up at Ben’s door with wine, wearing nothing but a short robe. By the way, Courtney is officially horrid. Actual quote that came out of her lips: “After Ben’s date with Elise, his eyes probably hurt.” I mean, yes, Elise is day-glo colored, there’s no getting around that, but you just don’t SAY stuff like that. Unless you’re blogging. And you’re me. Then you can say it.
So Ben and Courtney go skinny-dipping and it’s pretty gross. What’s even grosser is that Ben says that Courtney and he “shared a pretty intimate moment.” Guys, does that mean they had sex? Oh, gag! GAG!!!
Ben shows up for a cocktail party with the ladies and they all gush to him about how much they like him and he says stuff like, “yeah.” Jennifer says she thinks he’s “perfect,” which is obviously stupid, but at least she doesn’t say “PERF-echt.” Meanwhile, Boobly sidles over and tells Ben that she never thought she’d “deserve” someone like him (SIGH) but now she realizes that she does deserve him, after all. This is so sad. No, guys, I’m not even being snarky – this is giving me the sads, big time.
After Boobly’s epiphany, Emily and Ben go sit on the beach. Emily brings up Courtney again but then quickly says she hasn’t thought much about Courtney this week but instead has focused on Ben and Emily. Ben seems pleased. But then Emily says that she still thinks Courtney is a “weirdo” and two-faced. Which is dumb because Ben is not going to listen, but smart because it’s true. Ben shuts her down and tells her, quite snippily, to “tread lightly and be careful.” Dude, this guy’s such a dick. Pralines and dick, big time. Poor Emily needs to just keep her mouth shut and let Ben dig his own stupid Courtney grave. I’m actually really confused as to why Emily likes Ben at all when he’s such a douchebucket and seems so charmed by Courtney the Terrible, but, hey, she is. Maybe she’s just hoping to string this thing out and be the next NEXT Bachelorette (after the other Emily)? That’s playing the long game!
Rose ceremony. And why in tarnation is Rachel the Boring getting, like, the fourth rose? Ben, you’re so inscrutable with these choices! Blah, blah, more roses, until the final two girls standing are Jennifer and Emily. And you know what’s effed up about this? I think Ben made Emily the last one to teach her a lesson and make her feel bad about saying stuff about Courtney. He would honestly be the WORST boyfriend. He’s already playing these shitty little mind games with these women and he’s not even dating them. Run, ladies! Run while you still can!
Poor Jennifer gets walked out and she takes it well, actually, holding it together until she gets into the limo for her Pensive Limo Ride. She seems like a classy broad. I’m sure she’ll go find some nice gentleman with a fetish for redheaded accountants and be just fine.
Ohhh, next week Ben is taking the ladies to Panama and you know what that means: the obligatory dancing-with-locals-in-a-colorful-market scene is coming up! I can’t hardly wait.
Blogging Bachelor Ben (Part 2)
We’re back in Park City for part 2 of the Bachelor! Jennifer, the sweet redhead, gets the next date with Ben. They do some weird thing involving rapelling into a crater or something? I dunno, I’m bored by it and am going on Facebook instead until it’s over. I mean, we all know it’s going to end with them falling into a thing of water and then swimming towards each other and making out as soaring music plays. Aaaand, right on cue, Ben and Jennifer land in the water and kiss each other, but it’s kinda blah. I don’t see this happening for poor Jennifer, I just don’t. She’s too sweet and mild. They eat dinner by a campfire and Ben asks her about her relationship history, which seems to be the one first-date conversation starter he has in his repertoire and is, in fact, the one thing you’re never supposed to actually talk about on a first date. Jennifer tells Ben that her last relationship ended because the guy wouldn’t marry her, so she walked away. Kudos to her — I guess she figured, maybe that guy wouldn’t marry me, but that dork on TV probably will.
Ben asks her if she’s ready to handle his “crazy” lifestyle, which involves, you know, making wine. Yeah, Jennifer, can you handle that? Can you handle Ben making WINE? It’s a CRAZY life so buckle up, sister! She says yes, she can handle it, and gets a rose, despite a weird disclaimer from Ben about how he wasn’t sure he saw any future for them but now he does. Is he negging her? I hate this guy.
Ben and Jennifer end their date dancing at some generic country star’s concert, surrounded by random girls trying to shoulder their way into view of the camera. Awks.
Meanwhile, the girls talk shizz about Courtney, which is satisfying. Emily, who is inexplicably letting Boobly do her hair in foils, seems very worried and is considering telling Ben about Courtney’s true colors, I guess because she is laboring under the delusion that Ben is smart enough to listen.
Time for the final cocktail party… Emily has decided she is going to tell Ben that Courtney is bad news, and she does, in a round-about sort of way (“a certain person is evil and you gave her a rose”). Ben tells her, “You’re going to go crazy if you try to read into this.” Right. Wait. What does that mean? Emily looks confused and nods. Ben warns her that if she lets worrying about Courtney “consume” her, it will lead to her “demise.” Uh, does Ben know what the word “demise” means? Because it kinda just sounded like he was threatening to kill her. After that supremely uncomf convo, Ben and Emily share a stiff hug and he seems put off. So basically, what we’re learning here is that Ben doesn’t like anyone questioning his judgment, ever. That’s an attractive quality!
Emily whines some more about Courtney and Casey S. stands up for Courtney, which ticks Emily off. Then Casey S. tattles to Courtney what Emily said! So Casey sucks. But Courtney sucks more. Upon hearing that Emily thinks she is mean, she says she wants to “verbally assault” Emily and shave her eyebrows off. The specificity of that threat is disturbing, no? Courtney then gets into a weird stare-down with Emily, who crumbles like a cookie. The confrontation between them takes place in front of a room full of people and it makes me feel weird. And as much as I dislike Courtney, I want to smack Emily upside the head when she cries afterwards about “really lik[ing]” Ben. I actually yelled at the TV, “Why do you like him? He’s a DOUCHE!” Because he is. He just is. Come on, Emily – you’re a PhD student, get your head out of your butt!
K, rose ceremony: Lindzi gets the first rose, for some reason. Then Jamie (whoever the hell that is) gets the second one (seriously, guys, has Jamie been here the whole time?). Nicki gets the third rose. Next, Kacie B., followed by Elise, Boobly, Casey S. (hss!) and Emily (whew). That means Monica is going home, which is too bad, since she was one of the more tolerable people in the house. She’s headed back to Salt Lake City to continue her exciting career as a “dental consultant,” so she’ll be fine.
Ben announces that they are headed to Vieques, Puerto Rico and the girls squeal. My fiance comments, “These women deserve to be drowned.” And that, my friends, is why I’m marrying him.
Blogging Bachelor Ben! (Part 1)
Hi y’all – as promised, I’m blogging the Bachelor again and I’m even doing it live tonight!
This week the Bach gang is in Park City, Utah (*cue stock footage of helicopter rising over mountain*). Given that the Bachelor is America’s favorite polygamous dating show, this whole Utah thing makes sense. Oh yeah — I went there.
It’s so nice of Ben to bring the women to Park City so that they can “experience the outdoors,” since he rescued them all from that underground bimbo dungeon.
First date goes to Rachel, who is quite modelesque but kind of tomboy-ish and awkward. Kacie B. takes the news of Rachel’s date hard and gets all weepy. Oh, Kacie B. I like you and I sense that this creepy, televised fight-to-the-death-for-fake-love is not for you. Kacie B. goes on and on about how bummed out she is to see Ben with another lady, which, hello, is a normal reaction to the realization that one is merely one-thirteenth of a harem. It doesn’t seem to occur to Kacie B. that watching the man you’re “falling for” arrive in a helicopter to pick up another woman for a date is not actually a normal or necessary part of life. Sigh.
Rachel’s date involves helicoptering (of course) to a lake and then taking a canoe out into the middle of it. Rachel and Ben keep saying how “nice” and “romantic” it is as they sit knee-to-knee in the canoe but don’t seem to have anything else to say. Desperate to break the silence, they make out and make weird sighing noises. Later, they sit on a rocky beach and drink champagne and continue to chat about nothing. I shouldn’t say nothing — to be fair, they have a lengthy discussion about how the sun in your eyes makes you squint. Then they revert to discussing the weather, which is, they both agree, “nice.” Then Ben points out a beaver dam, and Rachel says, “oh, yeah.”
Dinner is at some sort of haunted lodge in the woods. Their conversation dwindles even further because now they’re inside and so cannot comment on the sun and its effect on one’s eyes. Ben, no great conversationalist himself, tries to get the silent Rachel to say more than two words but she doesn’t take the bait, and it’s getting kinda weird, especially since she says in a voiceover that she’s “falling for Ben.” Those great conversations about the niceness of the weather and the existence of beaver dams must have really sealed the deal for her. Rachel tells Ben she’s willing to “open up” and “take a chance” because she wants to get to know him better, and Ben, to my shock, agrees that yes, they have a “nice little vibe going.” They do? If this is what their first date is like, I think it’s safe to say that they will definitely be that couple at Red Lobster who silently stuff Cheddar Bay biscuits into their gullets while staring past each other.
Also, GRAMMAR ALERT: if I had a nickel for every time one of these morons said “me and Ben’s relationship” or “Ben and I’s relationship,” I would have quite a few nickels. Quite a few, indeed.
Group date time! Ben rides around on a horse and talks about his “country side.” I can’t take any part of this seriously. Ben looks like kind of a dinkus on a horse, but the girls are all super impressed, especially Lindzi, the Horse Girl from Episode 1. Nicki is also impressed: Ben takes the ladies on a horse ride through the mountains and Nicki waxes rhapsodical about his hair blowing in the breeze, like a “prince.” Oh, brother.
Step two of the group date is fly fishing. The girls valiantly cheer and pretend to be excited about the fact that their date involves wearing waders and standing still in water for an hour. Courtney says a bunch of crap about how she can catch fish and men (what is she, Jesus?) and then watches stonily as Ben helps Kacie B. with her wrist positioning. I have to say, I know they edit this show to make people seem like villains and whores and whatever, but Courtney is awful. She has this perpetual sneer on her stupid, sneery face. I hate her stupid guts.
Courtney’s nefarious attempt to steal Ben away for herself is interrupted by Lindzi, who claims to be “outdoorsy.” But before Lindzi can prove how outdoorsy she is, Courtney catches a fish and breaks out an awful baby voice to celebrate. My fiance, who is sitting nearby doing work as I type this, looks up from his paperwork to comment that Courtney is a “horrid little being.” Yep.
During the post-date cocktail party, Ben spends some alone-time with Casey S., who seems boring but is pretty. Nicki busts in and thanks Ben for bringing her on dates and then tells him a story about her boss dying. Huh?! Is this her way of trying to bond with Ben over his Dead Dad story with her Dead Boss story? If so, Ben one-ups her real good: he lost a GOOD FRIEND two days before the show. So there, Nicki. Dead Dad + Dead Friend >> Dead Boss any day of the week. But the Dead Boss story did get Ben to kiss her, so it paid off for old Nicky.
Next, in an unexpected twist, Samantha, who looks kind of like Paris Hilton but without the dead eyes, confronts Ben about what it means that she’s been on three group dates. I know she’s saying something but her voice is so grating and helium-y that I can’t concentrate on it. Something about feeling frustrated… hang on, Ben is saying that on all of the group dates Samantha’s been on, she has been “highly emotional” and that he doesn’t know if she can “hang” and that he questions whether she is even here for him or if she is taking this whole thing “serious”(ly). Whoa! Then he kicks her to the curb brutally and sends her home! Ka-pow! But wait, what? Huh??
Why is Ben being such a baby? He just got pissed off that Samantha had the gall to ask why she hadn’t gotten a one-on-one date and he way overreacted. Ew, Ben. I mean, yes, Samantha has a terrible voice but it says a lot more about Ben that he’d punish her so severely just for questioning his decisions. What a dickhead! Up to this point, I thought Ben was sort of a benign dud but now I think he’s a whiny douchenozzle who takes himself far too seriously.
After sending away a tearful Samantha, Ben tells the other girls that he didn’t see anything with Samantha and reiterates how “serious” he takes this show. GRAMMAR ALERT 2: it’s SERIOUSLY, Ben. LEARN ENGLISH (seriously).
Ben takes Kacie B. on a walk to his room and she tells him how hard it is, this being part of a harem thing. He says “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which everyone knows means, “you’re being annoying by expressing your feelings, shut up now.” What sucks is that all the girls are scared of him now that he’s sent Samantha home for questioning him so they’re all going to kiss his ass even more than they were doing already. Meanwhile, Ben tells Kacie B. that he wanted to kiss her “so bad” today in the river but didn’t because all the other women were glaring at him and he wants everyone to get along. What a weenie! Why does Kacie B. like this guy again??
Make-out sesh ensues with Kacie B. and Ben calls her “wonderful.” This galls the Evil Courtney, who swoops in, busts out full-force baby voice and makes out with Ben while wearing her skimpy bathing suit. After some strategic kissing, she tells him that she’s having a hard time and that she’s “lost sight of everything.” Rather than sending her home immediately, Samantha-style, Ben says he has feelings for her and that hasn’t changed. She does a lot of weird mouth contortions and the next thing you know, Ben grabs the group-date rose and gives it to her. It’s official: Ben is the dumbest man on Earth.
Stay tuned for Part 2…
A word about the Bachelor.
Guys. I know you’re all aware that I haven’t been blogging the Bachelor this season, and I just want to let you know that I know that you know. Your displeasure has been duly noted. Ahem. The thing is, I have been going to trivia on Monday nights lately and I don’t get home until 10 pm, which means the Bach is necessarily pushed back a few days in the interest of my getting my oh-so-necessary beauty sleep.
But I do kinda miss blogging about it, mostly because I feed off of other people’s approval and, let’s face it, my Bachelor updates are really what you all are sticking around for. You’re not coming here for the Teen Mom. I know it, you know it.
SO, I will try to do some Bach blogging, but be forewarned, the posts will most likely not come on Monday nights. Cool?
Just as a teaser, let me give you a few brief thoughts on the hot mess that is this season so far. First, all the women appear to be outrageously wasted 24-7 and I like it! Taking a page from Ashley’s book, eh, ladies? The sloppy cattiness and the weird, oozy flirting with Ben really makes for riveting viewing, doesn’t it? Second, Ben needs to cut his hair, stop smiling winsomely at the camera, and, for the love of Mike, stop referring to San Francisco as “San Fran.” Ben, who’s from Sonoma (approx. 1.5 hours away from San Francisco), claims San Francisco as “his city” and yet sounds like a goofy tourist bumpkin when he refers to it as San Fran (hint: you cannot claim San Francisco as your own if you call it anything other than San Francisco or “The City”). I suppose no one has corrected him because all of his other friends are also goofy tourist bumpkins. I mean, it could be worse, I suppose: he could be calling it “Frisco” (*shudder*).
Thoughts on individual women: I like Emily and Kacie B. and hate everyone else. Blakely (or “Boobly” as my witty fiance calls her) is a huge mess and I feel sort of sorry for her, while Courtney is obviously bad to the bone and is playing her role as villain just perfectly. Can’t wait for the crappola to hit the fan when Ben finds out that she is, in fact, terrible. Also, I have to say that I’m sorry they eliminated crazy Jenna right off the bat. She had a lot of potential…. to have a total meltdown.
K. Promise to blog next week!
Stupid is as stupid does.
Forrest Gump may have been mentally challenged, but he was a heck of a lot smarter than these dingbats:
I didn’t even watch this season of Teen Mom because I was too grossed out by trashy Jenelle and her trashy mom and now I’m glad I didn’t, because I’d probably have a rage headache right now given the news about Leah, the teen mother of special needs twins, being engaged again and preggo again. Aren’t these MTV teen moms supposed to, you know, learn something from the harrowing experience of being a teen mom? Aren’t they supposed to absorb some major life lessons and stop being, excuse me, complete dumb-asses? Or is this show just shedding light on the fact that most of these people are incurable dimwits who either can’t or won’t take precautions to avoid getting pregnant again? Ugh, depressing.
Dr. Drew has some ‘splaining to do.
