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Teenage MILFs


My cousin told me that this past week’s episode of Teen Mom would make me hate Amber, and she was kinda right. Amber is one of the most disagreeable people ever, and it seems she derives the only joy in her life from ragging on poor, hapless Gary. One of my friends asked recently me if I could figure out what, precisely, Amber and Gary fight about, and to be honest, I have no idea. They are always fighting, but it remains really unclear what the actual problem is.  Gary may be sort of a dim bulb, but I am pretty sure he doesn’t deserve the abuse that Amber constantly heaps on him.

And, whoa, Amber’s dad with his ponytail and gold earrings!  Where did he come from?! I don’t know what I thought her dad would look like, but bedragged, vaguely-Latin mafioso was not what I was expecting. Weird.


Here’s a question about Maci and Ryan: Maci seems like a smart girl and comes from a supportive, financially well-off family (judging by their big, nice house) — so how the heck did she get involved with a sneering, Ed-Hardy-wearing loser like Ryan? I mean, I guess as a general rule, teens aren’t renowned for making awesome relationship/life choices, but it just seems like Maci would be the type of girl who would at least get knocked up by a nice boy. Go fig.


Does it seem to anyone else like Farrah just goes through the motions with her kid? She seems bored the entire time she is with that baby. Sad.  Also, hearing Farrah and her trashy friend talk about their love lives (and Farrah referring to herself as a “single MILF”) was really creepy. They’re teenagers! I felt like I was watching a really boring Sex & the City episode.


Tatelynn – my faves! One interesting revelation about them: I looked up Richmond, Michigan, which is where Catelynn’s crackhead mom and Tyler’s criminal dad just moved (and is near where Catelynn and Tyler still live) and I learned that it’s not actually that far from where I grew up. It’s only an hour (45 miles) away to the northeast from Birmingham, my hometown.  Surprising! I guess I just assumed they were further north or west in the state, or something.  Anyway. This is probably meaningless to non-Michigan peeps, but there it is.

OMG, when Tyler asks Catelynn’s mom if she approves of him proposing to her, I got goosebumps. So sweet. And when they go to their nice dinner and Tyler proposes, I cried. For reals. The proposal was the sweetest, most heartfelt proposal I think I’ve ever heard. Ugh, love it. Love them.

A good end to a good show!! Can’t wait until the finale special with Dr. Drew!


Orange County Timewarp

I love the Real Housewives of Orange County. I love the uniform blondeness, their seemingly masochistic desire to constantly interact with women they despise, the constant cocktail drinking, the insistence on calling even post-menopausal women “girls.” What I don’t love, though, is the weird, retro vibe that a lot of these women seem to have going on in their marriages and love relationships.  This season, I’ve noticed a lot more talk about “traditional” relationships, especially from Tamra and Simon (who recently filed for divorce, by the way) and the uber-creepy Alexis and Jim.

Both of these couples have a strict “no traveling apart” policy, meaning that business trips and “girls’ weekends” are verboten, and Alexis and Jim even brag that they’ve never spent a night apart since getting married. Uh, congrats?  Creepy Alexis and Creepy Jim also boast about their “traditional” “Christian” marriage.  Whatever branch of Christianity they subscribe to apparently prescribes abundant boobs, because Alexis’ chest is out of control.  I mean, it’s truly horrifying: her boobs go in opposite directions, for goodness’ sakes.

Anyway.  She is also a stay-at-home mom who nonetheless requires several nannies to raise her kids, because she has a very demanding schedule of gym-going and martini-swilling to attend to.

Alexis and Jim also have the unfortunate habit of preaching to other couples about how to make a marriage work. The formula to being a happy wife, according to Alexis, appears to be: no independent life or interests apart from husband + breast implants + frequent martinis + diamond ring the size of a small boulder. And, ta-dah, you’re happily married!

On last week’s episode, the Evil Gretchen had a Tupperware party (hosted by a drag queen) and invited the “girls” and their husbands. What man in his right mind would be interested in attending a Tupperware party is beyond me, but apparently going to parties alone is a no-no for Alexis, so Jim came along. Anyway, he was sitting there and some other woman at the party started to talk to him and Alexis completely flipped her lid! She told the other woman off for “flirting” with her husband and made quite the scene. It’s kinda cute how Alexis thinks her husband is actually attractive enough for another woman to go after at a Tupperware party — cute in a deluded sort of way, since Jim is, um, not traditionally handsome.  I guess unhinged jealousy is another key to a happy marriage!

Little Jersey Shore

Watch and love.

Bachelor Road Trip, part 2.

And we’re back. It’s time for the group date with Kathryn and Ella, both of whom are bummed about it.  I kinda see where they’re coming from: the three-way date is super-duper awkward. The three of them are sitting around a tiny round table with a red-and-white-checked tablecloth and glasses of wine while Ella grills Jake on what he wants in a relationship while Kathryn awkwardly plays with her hair and tries to break into the conversation, but is mercilessly steamrolled by Ella.

Now Ella and Jake are out back, sitting under a blanket, having a deep convo.  Jake tells her, “If I’m not absolutely sure, I don’t want to keep you from Ethan” (her son). Ouch. Ella, take the hint: go home to your kid! I’m sorry, I’m still not over the fact that her kid is sitting at home while she’s off snuggling with Jake on TV.

And now for Kathryn, the poor man’s Carrie Underwood, as my friend Claire calls her. First thing out of her mouth is to accuse Jake of ignoring her when the other girls are around, which seems sort of true. He seems sufficiently cowed.

Now Jake has to decide who gets the rose and who gets axed. Prediction: he sends Ella packing…

Yep! He takes her out back and pulls a Bachelor version of Old Yeller on her, telling her that he has developed stronger feelings for “some of the other women.” OUCH. It has to hurt to hear that the guy you’re wooing likes several other women more than he likes you.

Then he comes back in and axes Kathryn, too. Oh my GOSH. I didn’t see that coming at all. Kathryn sort of grovels and says she doesn’t understand, and then tells him he’s making a mistake and looks at him pleadingly as he gently leads her to the car. Jeez, Kathryn, hold your head up and get into the dang car. Try to keep some scrap of dignity intact, whatever little you have left after going on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.

*Dramatic throwing-rose-into-fire scene!*

The other girls realize that both Kathryn and Ella are going home and some of them start crying. Crying? Really? Get a grip, ladies!

Cocktail party time. Corrie gets alone time with Jake first and asks him in a baby voice whether she makes him feel nervous or awkward, and he says no. Oh, the baby voice kills me. Make it stop! Corrie is really pretty; why is she doing the baby voice? Ugh.

Ali seems like a take-charge kinda girl, but not necessarily in a fake/scary way, a la Vienna. I just feel like you don’t mess with Ali.

Who the hell is Jessie? Is she the new Valishia? I feel like she has never spoken on camera before. She’s cute, though, and I like that she spills the beans about Vienna bragging about crashing cars and having her daddy buy her new ones. Ew.


Jake seems like he’s choking up. Lots of unnecessary tears being shed tonight by one and all! Okay, here we go. Ali gets the first rose. Not a shocker. Corrie gets rose number two. Hmm.  Now Jake really looks like he’s struggling to keep it together. What the heck? Oooh, he’s taking a “minute” to go outside. Maybe this is when he dramatically throws a rose into the fire, for the second time?

Jake asks the host if he has to give out two more roses, since he is only “sure” about keeping one girl. If he is sure about Vienna, I am going to reach through the TV and slap him.

So, the host comes out and announces to the women that two of them will be going home, and he takes one of the roses away. You could cut the tension with a knife, obviously.

And he picks VIENNA. What is wrong with this man? Oh, this is just ridiculous. I’m pretty sure this was all manufactured by the producers, though, right? There’s no way that any man in his right mind could be this stupid, even bimbo Jake. Come on! He then tells Jessie that she has a “beautiful heart” and that he appreciated her advice about Vienna and “heard every word.” He heard it but evidently ignored it.

Meanwhile, Ali looks like she wants to cut someone. Seriously.

Jessie seems like a cool chick. I am sad that Jake let her go, and sad that I never realized she was on the show before 10 minutes ago. Bummer.

Ooh, I’m excited for next week because I am pretty sure that’s when Jake starts sleeping with all the women. Old-fashioned, schmold-fashioned, I say.

Bachelor Road Trip, part 1.

As per usual, I am semi-live blogging the Bach, since I am coming in about half an hour late. Can I just say at the outset that I am beyond excited for this episode, especially for the part when Jake dramatically throws a rose into the fire, but I might not make it through the whole thing tonight because I am sleep deprived and need to be in bed by 10. So… forewarned is forearmed (<– this was a clue in Jeopardy today, by the by).

K, here we go. The girls are apparently going on a road trip up the California coast and will be living in RVs from now on. I kinda (really) dig it.  I mainly want to see how the princessy, high maintenance chicks deal with being in a moving house for the first time.

Seeing all these girls high-fiving each other and squealing and doing champagne toasts in the RV makes me wonder what the hell they are all thinking. Aren’t they all competing for the “love” of the same man? Shouldn’t that sort of foreclose the possibility of them all being besties? Are they just forgetting that? Plus, even if I were on the Bachelor, I don’t think I’d trust anyone else who was on the Bachelor, you know? I’d just be like, “These girls are nuts. They’re on the Bachelor… But I’m normal.” Cognitive dissonance is a great life tool, I’ve found.

Gia gets the first date. I’m not sure how I feel about Gia. I like her name, but I kinda think I don’t like her that much. But  I definitely like her more than Vienna, who seems to think that because Gia is from New York, she will automatically melt into a puddle of ooze like the Wicked Witch of the West the moment she steps foot onto a vineyard.

Gia’s “spontaneous” idea to play hide and seek in the vineyards: blech. But it did give us the opportunity to see that Jake runs like a spaz. Strangely endearing.

Hmm, then Gia awkwardly straddles Jake and he compares it to “the beginning of a fairy tale.” Um, Jake, I think you’re confused: those movies they show really late at night on HBO aren’t actually called “fairy tales.” Please don’t show them to your kids one day.

You know what is a fairy tale, though? Gia saying that she was a “nerd” in high school.  Gia, hon, you have to be smart to be a nerd. Also, there is no way this bikini model was ever a loser in high school, and I hate this trend among beautiful women to be super disingenuous about their pasts and pretend they were all ugly ducklings. Come off it, Gia.

What’s with the trend of guys on reality shows testing women to see what they’re made of? First Omar on the Millionaire Matchmaker makes his date haul junk, and now Jake wants to see how Gia reacts to eating hot dogs and s’mores. Come on. Even the most manipulative gold-digger can choke down a hot dog to try to impress some dude. And who’s gonna complain about s’mores? NO ONE, that’s who.

Gia just said she is “wearing [her] heart on her sleeve right now.” Now I definitely dislike her. It’s just a mild dislike, though.

Ooh, group date in Pismo Beach. This should be juicy.  Okay, Vienna just said she feels like Jake is her boyfriend. Oh, barf. I see why the other girls are questioning Jake’s taste in women for keeping her on — I mean, they’re obviously not questioning it enough to leave, but still.  Also, I sorta love how Allie is becoming a total B! She says all the stuff to Vienna that everyone else wants to say, I think.

The date involved dune buggying, which looked sort of terrifying, and sand surfing, which looked really fun. And I like that Tenley and Jake got some alone time, even if their laughing and rolling in the sand seemed really forced, like they were trying desperately to prove how carefree and fun they both are.  Then Corrie jumped in there and got her moments of forced laughing and rolling in the sand. Jake is an equal opportunity laugher/roller, apparently.

Jake takes the girls to an inn after their date. Was it just me or did that inn look like a cheesy nightmare? Pretty sure one of the girls compared it to a “fairy tale.” Is everyone on this show unclear on what a fairy tale is?

Okay, awkward alone time session with Ashley and Jake. They have nothing to say to each other and it’s killing me. Oh man. Can’t even deal with the awkwardness. Phew, it’s over.

So, do we believe that Jake is actually the first person that Tenley has kissed since her ex-husband? I kinda do. I think she is one of the most genuine-seeming girls on the show (which isn’t saying much, I guess).

Now for Vienna. She insisted on being the last person Jake talked to before the end of the night so she could be the last girl he kissed before he went to bed. So manipulative! But I think Jake might start to see through it. It takes him a while to realize these things, but he eventually gets it, as the wheels slowly shift into gear. Slowwwwwly.

Tenley gets the rose. Good. Ashley complains that Tenley “comes across as too bubbly.” Word to the wise, Ash: probably better to be bubbly than comatose when you’re on a reality dating show.

More to come!

Rosie blabs on Oprah

Rosie O’Donnell was on Oprah today. Why does this woman keep being invited onto TV shows?  Hasn’t she made it pretty clear that she’s not someone you actually want on your TV show? Oprah should know better! Plus, I keep thinking of that Maya Angelou quote that Oprah always repeats: “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I definitely believed Rosie the first several times.

Anyway, the whole Oprah visit was Rosie blabbing on about her life and her kids and her new girlfriend and whatever, but all I could focus on was that she used the word “authentic” about 1600 times. It was distracting! I hate it when people abuse buzzwords and this was the worst kind of buzzword abuse: celebrity buzzword abuse. What does it mean to “live your most authentic life,” anyway?  Is this like the new millennium version of getting in touch with your inner child? I sort of suspect it actually has to do with doing what is convenient and easy for you, such as breaking up with your partner with whom you have several children because you like to vacation in different places.

Maybe I’m being unfair. I don’t know Rosie. But she puts herself out there and insists on sharing her opinions, so I feel entitled to draw some conclusions from all the noise.

Final comment: what planet does Rosie live on where she hears people speaking the way she imitates them? We all remember when she impersonated the Chinese language on The View. It went a little something like this:

And today, she did an incredible — and I mean that literally — impression of her now 14-year-old son when he was a young child explaining his conception of adoption. This is the verbatim quote out of Rosie’s mouth: “I grewed in another mommy’s tummy, but God looked in and seed you and knewed we was a good match.” Grewed? Seed? Knewed? Did her child learn English from a 1930s comic strip? I mean, what kid born in the universe actually talks like that? That’s like when Toys ‘R Us insists on writing the “S” in its name backwards. Do you know ANY child who actually writes backward S’s? Come on.

Please don’t let Rosie come back to TV for real.

Update. Ronnie and Sammi still together.

SAD news.  I guess they deserve each other?


Jersey Shore Reunion Bonanza!

Jersey Shore reunion show: who watched it? Oh my heavens, it’s incredible! I am just getting to it now after coming back from New York, and it’s exactly what I needed after spending four hours on a stuffy bus.

A lot of stuff went down on the show, but the only thing really worth writing about is the long overdue confrontation between Sammi and Ronnie. MTV showed “never before seen” footage where Sammi is seen admitting to The Situation that she enjoys flirting with other guys (despite being “together” with Ronnie) and that she thinks he, The Situation, is “sweet” and a “great guy.” Ronnie watched this footage on the reunion show and interpreted it to mean — correctly, in my view — that Sammi is a two-faced she-devil that can’t be trusted. DUH, Ronnie.

I mean, okay, in the great scheme of things maybe Sammi’s telling The Situation that he’s a sweet guy while he’s perched like a vulture at the end of her bed, ready to swoop in on his twitching prey, shouldn’t be a total dealbreaker for Ronnie and Sammie’s relationship, but then again, maybe it should. That interaction represents Sammi’s whole slimy M.O.: she does what she wants to do, no matter how it affects anyone else, and consequently she isn’t loyal to Ronnie if it’s not convenient or fun for her. Not great girlfriend material.  I hope she and Ronnie actually do stay broken up this time. He can do better; as my mom pointed out, he’s a “nice boy.”

The only other (traumatizing) highlight of the reunion show: Snooki and Mike hinting that they might still be hooking up. Horrible… Just horrible.

Meet my millionaires!

Millionaire Matchmaker is back, peeps!  This is one of my all-time favorite Bravo shows, so I am psyched for its return.

I am watching the season premiere (a little late) right now and loving it. Here’s the deal: this week, Patti is setting up two best friends, Omar and Nick, both of whom seem pretty immature and insecure, but one charmingly so (Nick) and the other not so charmingly so (Omar). One of the main clues that they both have some growing up to do: the awkward, white-boy rapper accents that they’re affecting. Um, painful.  Let me put it this way: the way they talk makes Eminem look authentic. These guys are like, I don’t know, Justin Timberlake circa 1999. Actually, does Justin Timberlake still talk like that? I haven’t actually heard him speak in 10 years or so, so I’m hoping it was just an unfortunate phase that all young boy-banders must pass through, ike a (second) bar mitzvah.

Anyway, this guy Omar, who I’ve decided I don’t like, makes his date, who was super cute and seemed like a good sport, haul junk with him for their first date, since he owns a junk-hauling business. Gross. She handled it way better than I would have, I think. I mean come on, what a jerk. I can’t believe he made this cute girl who was all dolled up in heels and pearls load junk onto a truck with him in order to test her to make sure she wasn’t just dating him for his money (plus, fatal flaw in Omar’s plan: how does making a chick haul junk for one date prove that she’s not a gold-digger, anyway?). She turned kinda bitchy at dinner, though, which I thought was justified. He deserved to be iced out after that ridiculousness.

Nick, meanwhile, took out a more “mature” woman, Dakota, and had a nice, romantic date.  It was cute.  She’s obviously too old for him, but I kinda dig it anyway.

K, that’s about it for Millionaire this week. Can’t wait until next week. I especially love how this season promises lots of over-the-top Pattiness. She has clearly become a total monster now that she’s engaged, which I think only adds to her appeal.  More to come…

Farrah’s mom snaps?!

Okay, so I was (sort of) joking in my previous posts when I said that if I were Farrah’s mom, I’d slap the crap out of her, but apparently Farrah’s mom felt the same way, and then some. My lovely cousin Catie Rose alerted me to this little piece of news:

MTV ‘Teen Mom’ Allegedly Choked by Her Mother.

Violence isn’t the answer, Deb. But I see where you’re coming from.