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Bachelor Road Trip, part 1.

As per usual, I am semi-live blogging the Bach, since I am coming in about half an hour late. Can I just say at the outset that I am beyond excited for this episode, especially for the part when Jake dramatically throws a rose into the fire, but I might not make it through the whole thing tonight because I am sleep deprived and need to be in bed by 10. So… forewarned is forearmed (<– this was a clue in Jeopardy today, by the by).

K, here we go. The girls are apparently going on a road trip up the California coast and will be living in RVs from now on. I kinda (really) dig it.  I mainly want to see how the princessy, high maintenance chicks deal with being in a moving house for the first time.

Seeing all these girls high-fiving each other and squealing and doing champagne toasts in the RV makes me wonder what the hell they are all thinking. Aren’t they all competing for the “love” of the same man? Shouldn’t that sort of foreclose the possibility of them all being besties? Are they just forgetting that? Plus, even if I were on the Bachelor, I don’t think I’d trust anyone else who was on the Bachelor, you know? I’d just be like, “These girls are nuts. They’re on the Bachelor… But I’m normal.” Cognitive dissonance is a great life tool, I’ve found.

Gia gets the first date. I’m not sure how I feel about Gia. I like her name, but I kinda think I don’t like her that much. But  I definitely like her more than Vienna, who seems to think that because Gia is from New York, she will automatically melt into a puddle of ooze like the Wicked Witch of the West the moment she steps foot onto a vineyard.

Gia’s “spontaneous” idea to play hide and seek in the vineyards: blech. But it did give us the opportunity to see that Jake runs like a spaz. Strangely endearing.

Hmm, then Gia awkwardly straddles Jake and he compares it to “the beginning of a fairy tale.” Um, Jake, I think you’re confused: those movies they show really late at night on HBO aren’t actually called “fairy tales.” Please don’t show them to your kids one day.

You know what is a fairy tale, though? Gia saying that she was a “nerd” in high school.  Gia, hon, you have to be smart to be a nerd. Also, there is no way this bikini model was ever a loser in high school, and I hate this trend among beautiful women to be super disingenuous about their pasts and pretend they were all ugly ducklings. Come off it, Gia.

What’s with the trend of guys on reality shows testing women to see what they’re made of? First Omar on the Millionaire Matchmaker makes his date haul junk, and now Jake wants to see how Gia reacts to eating hot dogs and s’mores. Come on. Even the most manipulative gold-digger can choke down a hot dog to try to impress some dude. And who’s gonna complain about s’mores? NO ONE, that’s who.

Gia just said she is “wearing [her] heart on her sleeve right now.” Now I definitely dislike her. It’s just a mild dislike, though.

Ooh, group date in Pismo Beach. This should be juicy.  Okay, Vienna just said she feels like Jake is her boyfriend. Oh, barf. I see why the other girls are questioning Jake’s taste in women for keeping her on — I mean, they’re obviously not questioning it enough to leave, but still.  Also, I sorta love how Allie is becoming a total B! She says all the stuff to Vienna that everyone else wants to say, I think.

The date involved dune buggying, which looked sort of terrifying, and sand surfing, which looked really fun. And I like that Tenley and Jake got some alone time, even if their laughing and rolling in the sand seemed really forced, like they were trying desperately to prove how carefree and fun they both are.  Then Corrie jumped in there and got her moments of forced laughing and rolling in the sand. Jake is an equal opportunity laugher/roller, apparently.

Jake takes the girls to an inn after their date. Was it just me or did that inn look like a cheesy nightmare? Pretty sure one of the girls compared it to a “fairy tale.” Is everyone on this show unclear on what a fairy tale is?

Okay, awkward alone time session with Ashley and Jake. They have nothing to say to each other and it’s killing me. Oh man. Can’t even deal with the awkwardness. Phew, it’s over.

So, do we believe that Jake is actually the first person that Tenley has kissed since her ex-husband? I kinda do. I think she is one of the most genuine-seeming girls on the show (which isn’t saying much, I guess).

Now for Vienna. She insisted on being the last person Jake talked to before the end of the night so she could be the last girl he kissed before he went to bed. So manipulative! But I think Jake might start to see through it. It takes him a while to realize these things, but he eventually gets it, as the wheels slowly shift into gear. Slowwwwwly.

Tenley gets the rose. Good. Ashley complains that Tenley “comes across as too bubbly.” Word to the wise, Ash: probably better to be bubbly than comatose when you’re on a reality dating show.

More to come!

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