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Bachelor in SF, continued

Time for my semi-live update on the rest of the Bach. Whee!

Jake has a double date with Gia and Vienna at a semi-creepy, semi-romantic castle in Napa. He tells Gia he is “falling for” her and then proceeds to eat her face off. Vienna comes in to interrupt, as per usual, because she wants alone-time with her “boyfriend,” as she refers to Jake. I am thrilled to see that Jake is kind of cold and distant with her — could The Slow One finally be waking up to the fact that Vienna is a crazy B? Or will the producers step in and force him to keep her on for another week?! Only time will tell!

So the girls are sharing a room. Weird. Jake gives a MUCH more enthusiastic hug to Gia while Vienna sits on the bed staring intensely at them. Camera cuts away to gratuitous shot of Jake shirtless, getting ready for bed. Vienna must have received a memo through the Crazy Network, because five minutes after Jake leaves, she decides to “sneak away” to go see him. This strikes me as not brilliant.

Ugh! Vienna crawls into bed with “nearly-nekkid” Jake and gives an awful, uncomfortable toast to “not having to go back to my own room tonight,” among other things.  Jake, surprisingly, makes it clear that he is uncomfortable with the whole thing and tells Vienna to go back to her room. Wow! I’m impressed with his good judgment to send that hussy packing.

Jake has a date with Corrie in Golden Gate Park, which is amazing because they go to Stowe Lake, which is where we walk my dog! I kept my eyes peeled for my mom and Dougal in the background but to no avail.

Corrie’s comment that she’s “never dated just to date” strikes me as weird. How old is she, like 24? Aren’t you supposed to date just to date when you are young? What person begins their dating career just dating for marriage? I guess the type of girl that goes on The Bachelor: on the Wings of Love. Right.

There is a major Little Mermaid moment when Corrie and Jake are in the boat and he is clearly contemplating kissing her but chickens out. I keep expecting Sebastian and Flounder to pop out of the water and encourage him to kiss the girl.

They go to dinner at the Science Center, which is kind of cool, but they seem uncomfortable with each other. And no kissage! What the F? If you can’t make out while ogling giant, scary-looking fish, then when can you make out?

Corrie tells Jake she is saving herself for marriage. Maybe I am just entirely too cynical and jaded, but I am suspicious. Jake seems really impressed that Corrie is a virgin but I am confused — if he is so old-fashioned and traditional, shouldn’t he be a virgin, too? Right, Jake? WELL???

Time for Ali’s date in San Francisco. Looks like she lives in the Marina. Not a shock. They go to a wine bar and Ali drinks her wine really aggressively. Like she tips the glass all the way back — whoa girl! I kinda like Ali, though. She is pretty and she seems kind of normal. Kind of.

Ew, then she straddles him and gives him a backrub in the middle of Chrissy Field. This makes me uneasy — she looks like she’s pinning him down.

Ali thinks she’s in love. Oh, Ali. You’ve spent a total of what, two hours alone with this guy? Hon. Come on.

Why does Ali wimp out when Jake asks her about her feelings about Vienna? She should have told him how she felt! After she hems ad haws, Jake tells Ali how “honest” Vienna is with him (hmm) and how Vienna makes it clear that she’s there for him. Umm, alright. Then they make out.

At the end of the date, Ali and Jake jump in the bay.  Hey Jake, newsflash — you’re not in Cancun, the water in San Francisco is like negative 4000 degrees. This probably explains why they “jumped in” up to their ankles and then apparently realized it was a poor choice.

Jake and Tenley slow dance “spontaneously.” Yeah, I’m sorry, but can we all agree to put a permanent end to the “dancing without music” trend in movies, TV shows, and especially The Bachelor? It’s ALMOST as bad as the trend where everyone calls everything a fairy tale. Almost.

Ummm, and Jake takes Vienna to his room. What the hell?! I mean, I realize that he’s not having sex with her or anything, but why does he feel the need to “reassure” Vienna by showing her his sleeping quarters? Why not let her sit with feeling uncomfortable after acting kinda inappropriately? Ick.

ROSE CEREMONY!!!

Jake, please don’t cry during the rose ceremony for once. We get it. You’re sensitive. You’re sincere. Enough with the tears.

Oooh, Tenley gets the first rose! Nice. Ali gets the second one. Surprise — I thought he would have picked Gia, since he seemed to really be warming up to her.  Gia gets the next one. Now it’s down to Corrie and Vienna: the virgin and the, uh, probably non-virgin.

He picks Vienna. I said it once and I’ll say it again, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN?! Honestly, I don’t even have words. No words!

Okay, I have some words. First, Jake is so full of crap! I truly believe that he cut her because he knows she won’t sleep with him. The “something missing” that he says he sensed was the lack of possibility of him getting any booty! Come ON, Jake. It’s okay, Corrie — go find a man who is actually traditional and respects your choices, not an actor-slash-pilot who is dating five women at once. Like I said, old-fashioned, schmold-fashioned.

Next week: I’m already obsessed with Gia’s mom.  Can’t wait!

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