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The Bachelor: a day late and a dollar short

I am watching the Bach an entire DAY late because I am sick and went to bed at 8:30 last night.  Anyway, I am now feeling vital enough to watch the full episode and give my run-down. This episode should be amazing — it’s the one where Jake goes to meet the final four girls’ families. Whee!

Gia

Right off the bat, Gia jumps into Jake’s arms and wraps her legs around him. She always does that! Joel McHale on the Soup said the other night that it looks like Jake is “carrying Gia in a BabyBjorn” — exactly, Joel McHale!

Gia and Jake go on a boat ride and look at New York. Yawn.

Side-note: in one of the confessionals, Jake is wearing a black tee shirt and a black and white beaded necklace.  Hmm. He must have stopped at American Eagle circa 1995 on the way to the shoot that day. He was probably also wearing cargo shorts, too, but we just couldn’t see them.

I kinda have to love Gia’s family: they’re so Italian! And I like that Gia’s mom says that she and Gia’s dad work together in the kitchen. Love it. Also love the bizarre hair the men in the family are sporting.  Gia’s brother, for instance, looks like a cross between Seth Green and Pauly D.  It’s definitely a look.

Gia’s mom takes Jake aside and asks him if he loves four women, and he says, “I have fallen for four women.” Does that strike anyone else as not being the best response to one of those people’s mothers? It doesn’t seem to phase her, though, and she decides that she likes Jake, and tells Gia that she has an “intuition” that Jake loves her more than the other girls.  Okay, mom.

Ali

Jake goes to Massachusetts to have a date with Ali. She takes him to her grandmother’s old house where she got sick and died so that Jake can “meet” her. Umm… Ali, you might want to share these deep, slightly creepy, Dead Grandma revelations for a man who’s not currently dating three other women. Maybe save it until he’s dating just two other women, ya know?

By the way, I am starting to actively dislike Jake. I just feel like he’s playing all of these women. I mean, how can he go and visit all of their families and tell each one that she’s special and the best and that he missed her when he is doing the exact same thing with three other women? I just don’t think a genuinely good guy could do a show like this and string these women along. Maybe this was all super obvious all along, but some small part of me did think that Jake was a pretty sincere dude, if not mind-numbingly dull and overly prone to tears.  This doesn’t change my fundamental conclusion that the women on this show deserve what they get, though. It’s not like Jake’s pretending there aren’t four of them!

Ali’s family = boring. Her mother gives Jake her blessing to marry Ali because he seems “pretty sincere” and is a “very nice young man.” I am not totally sure, but I am pretty sure my mom wouldn’t give her blessing for marriage to some dude that I brought home ten minutes ago who I had met on a reality show who was also dating three other women at the same time. Just a hunch.

After that whole business, Ali and Jake go outside, and Ali says, “If you asked me today, I would say yes. I would.” I think she expected Jake to propose right there, but she should have known that as a seasoned TV pro, Jake would never jump the shark like that.  Then Ali uses the term “fairy tale” to describe her feelings for Jake. Sigh.

Tenley

I was warned before watching this show by my friend Nancy that this episode made her hate Tenley, so I am fully prepared to start disliking her, but I’ll keep an open mind.

Tenley and Jake sit under a blanket and Tenley talks about her ex, and then tells Jake he is “honorable and wise.” Is she addressing a judge in Japan, or what?

Then they go to Tenley’s old dance studio and Tenley tells him she is going to perform a choreographed dance for him. She also makes sure to say that her ex never appreciated “the dance within my heart.” Gag. OMG, and then she does some sort of weird interpretive dance for him an empty studio. Oh boy.

First observation about Tenley’s family: her mom looks like she’s about 35, which is weird, since Tenley is 25.

Jake asks her mom whether Tenley is over her ex. Um, NO, Jake. She got divorced less than a year ago. She talks about her ex all the time. She tears up at the drop of a hat. Wake up, Jake!

Now Jake is having a heart-t0-heart with Tenley’s dad, who then goes back to talk to Tenley and chokes up.  My cousin Catie called me right before this and warned me that this would happen, and said she doesn’t understand why all these dads are bawling on TV.  It’s not that men shouldn’t cry — but they probably shouldn’t cry on camera, on national TV. Right?

Oh, jeez, then Tenley’s dad and Jake go have a talk where Dad gives his blessing to Jake and they BOTH tear up. What the hell?!

Vienna

Of COURSE Vienna’s from Florida. No offense, Florida, but of all the states, only you could produce this chick.

Holy CRAP, and Vienna’s dad starts bawling the second she walks in the door! What is with these people?!

Vienna’s dad grills Jake about whether or not he’ll treat her “like a princess” and then says he has a good feeling about Jake anyway.

Basic takeaway from the Vienna visit: if Jake and Vienna get engaged, Jake will essentially replace her dad. Ew. Then, Dad walks in as they are making out and says he will “wait outside the door.”  Ew again.

Pre-Rose Ceremony Ali Dramz

Okay, so Ali comes in to see Jake, (fake?) crying, and tells him that she has to choose between staying on the show and going back to work.  Huh? Is this a power play to see if Jake will tell her he is going to choose her so she won’t leave? Bold move, Ali.

Jake doesn’t bite. He actually gives her good advice and tells her to weigh which decision she’ll regret more. He also tells her he can’t guarantee that he is going to put a ring on her finger, which I don’t think she wanted to hear.  She tells him she’ll let him know her decision at the rose ceremony. Dramz!

*Dramatic shot of Ali crumpling into sobbing heap on floor in hotel hallway*

*Dramatic shot of Jake working his jaw and tearing up before he explains the situation to Chris*

I think Jake lacks a fundamental understanding of how love/heartbreak actually works. For example, he says: “If Ali does leave, it’s going to break my heart. But Ali isn’t the only woman I have feelings for.” How many hearts do you have, Jake? If your heart breaks, doesn’t that mean you’d be devastated and wouldn’t give a crap about the other women? And if you have feelings for all of them, wouldn’t that preclude getting your heart “broken” by one of them leaving? Come on.

Rose Ceremony

Just before the ceremony, Ali asks to talk to the host, Chris. OoOooOoh. Chris brings her to Jake, and she asks him to tell her that he doesn’t want her to leave. They have a really vague, inarticulate conversation about it, while Ali puts her legs on Jake’s lap and makes whimpering noises. Ugh, now I want her to leave.

Basically, Jake says he doesn’t want her to leave and then she mumbles “I love you” and they kiss. Yikes! But Jake, notably, doesn’t say it back. Not good. Chris walks in right after that and asks Ali if she’s made her decision and she says she needs more time. Eek, the suspense is killing me!

*Commercial break*

Ali cries a little bit more and then tells Jake she has to go. I wonder if she was waiting for him to tell her that he loved her? No such luck, hun!

Anyway, since it’s Jake, he obviously tears up and then slowly walks her out to a car that is already waiting outside (suspicious).  MUCH more crying on both ends ensues.

Okay, Jake comes back to address the women and Chris tells them there is no rose ceremony, so all three get to come down and get a rose.

Closing shot: Ali in car, regretting her decision. Come off it, Ali. You made the right choice. Why risk being unemployed for some guy who doesn’t love you and won’t unequivocally choose you over three other women, one of whom is Vienna? Give me a break. Obviously Ali will make a dramatic (and expected) comeback on the season finale, but she shouldn’t.

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