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The Fantasy Suite — part 1

I am so excited for the Bachelor tonight — I’m even live blogging it for once!

Tonight they go to St. Lucia, and this is typically the point of the season when the Bachelor(ette) sleeps with the remaining contestants, usually under a waterfall or in a hot tub. Oh, or in the “Fantasy Suite” (*shudder*).  And I know that I’ve said from the beginning that I wasn’t buying Jake’s whole innocent, religious shtick; I felt like it was an act and that as soon as he got the chance to have sex with these women, he’d do it.  But then, this weekend, my friends Julia and Claire, who watched the season of the Bachelorette that spawned our Jake and thus have some additional insight on him, said that they think he actually is super religious and might even be a (gasp!) virgin. If he is a virgin, then I retract my statement about him kicking Corrie off because he knew she wouldn’t sleep with him. My humble apologies, Jake-o. But I’m still not sure. I’ve decided that I am going to judge Jake’s moral character based on his behavior in this episode  — the Fantasy Suite beckons! — so we’ll see how things shake out.

And we’re off!

The episode opens with Jake reflecting on each of the women. His conclusions:

Gia: gorgeous, but insecure and a rocky relationship past (speaking of, why don’t they mention that Gia was once engaged to a Yankee? That strikes me as being worth mentioning, right?).

Tenley: would be perfect except she’s damaged goods (the whole divorce thing. And the whole awkward dancing thing).

Vienna: “bold” and center of controversy. Undeniable connection.

Then they check back in with Ali, who has gone back to work as an advertising account manager in San Francisco and is regretting it because her “life is without love.”  Is she serious? Really, Ali? You’re going to give up on your career so you can have a shot with a guy on TV who’s dating three other women who you’ve known for like two seconds? One word: stoops. At least pull an Ed Swiderski and drop out for “work” and hook up with your exes before coming back to steal the show. Have some pride!

Date with Gia

Jake takes Gia to a “local” market where the “natives” shop.  They buy touristy crap and dance awkwardly in front of a guy with dreadlocks and a drum. This is what local St. Lucians do every day: buy knick-knacks with their own flag on them and then throw coins into each other’s hats. After that “real” cultural experience, Gia and Jake make out in the water.

Next step: they go to dinner on the beach and Gia angles to have Jake tell her he loves her.  Instead, Gia and Jake tell each other that they think the other person is “deep.” Ha.

Then, they go sit on a hammock and drink more and “snuggle.”  The shot of Gia stroking Jake’s face as they lie in a hammock strikes me as one of the more bizarre moments of this whole show, because it seems so intimate, and yet Jake is going to do almost the exact same thing with two, possibly three, other women in the next day or two. He is going to tell each woman that he’s “falling for” her and she is going to say the same back, and they are going to talk about the “connection” they have. The whole thing strikes me as utterly creepy, especially at this point in the season. Shouldn’t Jake be narrowing the field down a little bit, at least? It seems incredibly disingenuous and two-faced of him to pretend that he has equal feelings for all of them and to make each of them feel like she is “the one.” All this face-stroking and making out and gazing into each other’s eyes is too much. ICK!!

Jake gives Gia a “Fantasy Suite” card.  They go.  *Shot of clothes strewn on the ground.*  Jake and Gia (who’s wearing a bathing suit, btw) make out in a bubble bath strewn with rose petals. Gross. *Fade out.* So what happened? Did they sleep together? Very coy, Bachelor producers!

Tenley

Despite her awk dancing, Tenley is still my favorite. I feel like she and Jake have similar values (or so he claims) and they are both boring and pleasant. Seriously, how could that not work?

They go for a helicopter ride but it doesn’t appear that Jake is actually piloting. Lame. I kinda wanted to see him flying a plane past a mountain and making out with someone at the same time, but it was not to be.

They have a picnic for lunch in the forest. Much marriage talk and making out. Then they go into the water and make out. Are we seeing a pattern here? Tenley’s voice-over explains that the Fantasy Suite is in the back of her mind and she’s not sure if she’s ready to “spend the night” with Jake since she hasn’t “been with” a man since her ex-husband. Oh, euphemisms! Does this mean that the Fantasy Suite is only for You Know What? I mean, why couldn’t they just go and hang out in the Fantasy Suite? They could play board games or something. After all, why does a “fantasy” necessarily have to involve sex? Couldn’t it involve a couple lively rounds of Uno? Or, if they’re feeling frisky, Twister?

Tenley tries to explain that she’s over her ex. I don’t believe her. Sorry.

After dinner, they dance to no music. MAKE IT STOP!!!! Please, just make it stop. UGH, this just gets worse and worse: Tenley says she thinks Jake could “lead her in life” (what? is she a dog? what does that MEAN?) and that she could “dance with him forever.” Barfing in mouth.

Jake gives her the Fantasy Suite card and she accepts. This makes me sad, because this is clearly a big deal for Tenley, but we all got to see Jake stroking Gia’s face in the hammock last night, then taking a bubble bath with her in the Fantasy Suite. One Fantasy fits all, apparently.

Now Tenley is trying to justify her apparent choice to sleep with Jake as something necessary to move the relationship forward. Come on! Ugh, I hope she doesn’t actually sleep with him. I feel like that would be the wrong choice for her, given her values and beliefs about marriage and sex.

This show makes me so uncomfortable. Like, morally uncomfortable.

Vienna

Vienna looks like a hot mess in this ugly red sundress over a green bathing suit. Okay, side note: for being an actor, Jake seems really put off when Vienna makes him wear an eye-patch — he seems incapable of pretending to be a pirate. He didn’t even say “arr” or “matey.” How the hell did ever he get that gig on Walker, Texas Ranger, anyway?

Vienna and Jake go on a boat and make out. Welcome to Barf City, USA, population: millions of captive American viewers.

OOh, Vienna also has a trampy tattoo above her hip bone! Ugh, she’s so Florida and trashy, I can’t even stand it!

They roll around in the sand and surf and monumental music plays. Vienna’s fake boobs (which she bought after draining her ex-husband’s bank account when he was in deployed in Iraq, according to Us Weekly) are prominently on display.  I am so uncomfortable right now.

And thus concludes the first hour….

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