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The Fantasy Suite — part 2

Hour 2, here we go:


Vienna and Jake’s dinner date: they eat in a gazebo over the water. Gazebos are inherently cheesy, I realize. There’s no way to eat dinner in a gazebo and not look like a huge d-bag. Anyway, Jake asks Vienna if she is ready to be married. Um, hello, wasn’t she already married? Why isn’t anyone talking about this?! I mean, why isn’t anyone on the show talking about this — because other people definitely are (

OMG, and now Jake is asking Vienna what kind of rings she likes. This is making my soul hurt.

Vienna asks him if he can see her as his wife and he says yes.  Oh, my soul!

Then Jake reminds Vienna that he has also “fallen” for the two other women, too. Is “falling for” a person different than “falling in love?”  I feel like Jake uses the two phrases differently, the latter being more serious somehow than the former. Weird. To me, saying you’re “falling for” a person but not “falling in love” with them makes “falling for” the person essentially meaningless. Which I guess is a pretty apt way to describe these Bachelor relationships, after all, now that I think about it.

Anyway, Vienna tells Jake she has fallen in love with him and then fake cries. He acts all surprised and pleased. This is crazy. Just crazy.

Jake gives Vienna the Fantasy Suite card. You can see her evil little eyes lighting up over this. She’s such a succubus!!! Watch out, Jake!! They go to the suite and she comes out in lingerie and they sit on the bed, which is, SHOCKINGLY, strewn with rose petals.  Aaaand I’ve decided Jake is kind of a whore after all.

The Return of Ali

Next day, Ali calls Jake. We’re all soooo surprised over here — NOT.  She says she “made the wrong choice” and wants to come back.  Jake pretends to be surprised by this turn of events.  She begs for his forgiveness and he tells her that she “drove away with a piece of [his] heart.” Thank you, Jake, for providing me with another phrase I hope I never hear uttered again.

Anyway, Jake actually surprises me by tearfully telling Ali that he doesn’t think she should come back. Obviously the tears don’t surprise me, but the rejection does.  Well, I think he just did her a favor: now she can maybe go out and find a guy who will just date her. Imagine that! Of course, Ali sits there with her hair all disheveled and cries and says she is “so in love” with Jake and that she thinks she’ll never find anyone like him again. Hey, Ali, don’t give up! There’s always next season of the Bachelor. Or, if that doesn’t work out, you could try for Tool Academy.

Jake explains that he had to let Ali go because he is “in love with” the other women but not with Ali anymore. A lot changes in a few days in Bachelor World — that’s like six months in the normal universe!

I think we can all see what’s going to come out of this: Ali is going to be the next Bachelorette. I mean, who else would it be? Why would the producers waste so much time focusing on her and her woes and disheveled hair if they weren’t planning something for her?

Rose Ceremony!

All of the girls leave little video messages for Jake that he watches before the Rose Ceremony. Tenley’s is super awkward. She tells him she wants to have babies with him and that she is looking forward to a lifetime of kisses and dancing with him. Oh, squirmz. Gia shows of her boobs and talks in a baby voice in hers. Vienna calls him “sweetheart” and says she wants to wake up in his arms for the rest of her life.  Ugh, these are getting worse and worse! How did these women learn to talk ENTIRELY in cliches from chick flicks? Was this a class I missed in college?

Vienna’s dress for the rose ceremony is heinous. We GET IT, Vienna, you have fake boobs. We already saw them once this episode — please put them away for the remainder. Gia and Tenley look cute, though.  I kinda want Gia’s dress. It’s so sparkly!

Shocker, he keeps Tenley!! This means he’s getting rid of Gia, because some small, sad part of me thinks he is going to pick Vienna in the end. Ugh, it kills me.


He picks Vienna. I’m sad that I was right about this. Boo!!! Hisss!!!

Okay, and now he’s going to cry. He tells Gia she is “absolutely amazing.” So disingenuous! If you think she’s so amazing, Jake, then why are you sending her home? So much for all that face-stroking, eh?

Actually, Jake doesn’t seem like he’s crying for once. But Gia is bawling.  What’s going on here? My whole world feels topsy turvy! Why isn’t Jake crying?

Oh, well, Gia will be okay.  She has her own fake boobs to fall back (forward?) on, if nothing else. I do feel bad for her, though, because it seems like she actually developed feelings for this eejit. Maybe she’ll learn from this and stop trying to find love on television? Nah.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * Catie Rose says:

    I don’t like Vienna or Gia, all about Tenley up in here!

    The awkward Gia and Jake dancing with the bongo guy was totally awks.

    Ali looked like a desperate crybaby, how can they really fall in love in 3 weeks with bitches all up in their business?

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 5 months ago

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