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Milly Match

(Introductory note: I’m going to try a new format for the Millionaire Matchmaker entry this week: I’m going to break it down by each of Patti’s clients, instead of describing the show chronologically. Just a heads up.)

Mill Match this week started off with a bang, with the revelation that Patti hosts a “racy” radio show and dispenses gross sex advice!  How did I not know this before? It might be worth it to get XM radio for this.  Anyway, Patti has two clients this week: 1) Jason Davis, aka “Gummi Bear,” brother of Brandon Davis (aka “Greasy Bear”).  They are the super creepy heirs to an oil fortune and are all up in the tabloids.  2) David, some generic, handsome guy who says his “ideal woman” would have “Meg Ryan’s personality.”  At least he didn’t say he was looking for a woman with Meg Ryan’s lips, I guess.

David

David’s whole thing is that he is tan and handsome and wants romance but doesn’t ever approach women.  Patti thinks David has cruised through life depending on that adorable cleft in his chin, but she’s going to change all that.

Patti sends David to some sort of bitchy, male life guru to encourage David to put himself out there more with women.  They bring in two women from the mixer to see how David handles himself with them.  Two tranquilized-looking blondes wander in and strike up a conversation with him (asking him such scintillating questions as, “You look really tan, do you vacay a lot?”) and Jason takes that opportunity to drone on about running on the beach and his “cruise ship” lifestyle. He doesn’t ask the girls any questions about themselves, so Life Coach Man jumps in and rips David a new one. Lesson learned!

Since Patti didn’t find many good women for David’s mixer, she asks one of her millionairesses, Leslie, to join the crowd. For his final two choices, David ends up picking Leslie and Claudia, some 25-year-old waitress from Miami with, you guessed it, big fake boobs.

Claudia seems dumb as a post and has a bony back. David’s conclusion: “She just seems like a really sweet girl.”

Leslie and David seem to genuinely hit it off, but David, thinking with not so much with his brain, chooses Claudia. Patti steps in to set him straight and he rethinks, and ta-dah! he picks Leslie, the 40-something millionairess. Now you’re thinking, Dave.

David shows up on a Harley to take Leslie on a date.  In the harsh light of daytime, Leslie looks sort of like the late, great Patrick Swayze in “To Wong Foo,” but, like Patti said, she’s age appropriate and she has her own money, so whatever.

Leslie and David actually seem to have a nice connection, but David later complains to Patti about the fact that Leslie has grown-up kids and that she is therefore too old to have another baby.  This does not sit well with Patti, who accuses him of just looking for a “baby maker.” Um, yup.

Jason

How to describe Jason? His voice sounds like he’s been sucking helium. He lives surrounded by stuffed animals. He uses an extraneous cane.  He wears tee-shirts with his hairy, oddly shaped stomach hanging out. He wears Elton John glasses.

Also, Jason says he’s 25 and wants to find love because he wants to be able to chase after his kids when he has them, and not be too ancient.  Better get on that, Jason.  You probably only have another four decades or so before you won’t be able to chase energetically after those kids anymore, so time’s a tickin’!

Anyway, Jason needs a makeover, and you know if Patti Stanger’s involved and a man needs a makeover, there’s gonna be spray tan involved.  And probably a male manicure.  Both were involved here.  For some reason, Patti’s mohawk-ed male employee accompanies Jason on his makeover journey, I guess to get a better read on what he’s looking for/make sure he’s not drugged out of his mind.  Unclear what the verdict was on either of those fronts.

So, after the mixer, Jason picks two girls: Susan and Stephanie. Guess which one I’m voting for? Susan is a nurse wearing an inappropriately low-cut top. She is also boring. Stephanie says she likes to shop, travel, and gamble.  Jason picks Stephanie.  I mean, how can you NOT prefer a girl named Stephanie in any given situation?

On Jason and Stephanie’s date, it seems like Jason is testing her to see how much crap she can take.  She’s a good sport and doesn’t let anything get to her, even when Jason takes her to his house and there is, inexplicably, a monkey running around.  Actually, bringing a monkey on a date is sort of awesome.  What’s not so awesome is when Jason tells Stephanie to serve the food and farts in front of her.  Amazingly, Stephanie seems completely unfazed by all of this and they end up sloppily making out in the end.

Jason comes in later to see Patti and reports that he asked Stephanie for another date, but Stephanie apparently said she had a boyfriend.  So Patti calls Stephanie to find out the deal, and Stephanie gives her a big line of B.S. and denies that she and Jason made out.  Ouch! Poor Jason. I was sort of rooting for him, despite his weirdness and silly cane walking.

Ah, well, no new love this week! Patti better deliver next week.

Final note: best part of this whole episode was when some redhead who Patti had yelled at earlier for calling David “too old” shows up at the mixer and gives Patti attitude (oh no she DIDN’T!!!!) and Patti waves her engagement ring in her face and calls her an “ugly, firecrotch b***h” and kicks her out.  These are the Patti moments I live for.

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