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The Bachelor FINALE, part 2

Jake wakes up, shirtless and wearing Hammer pants, in St. Lucia, and weighs the difficult decision he has ahead of him.  He thinks that he would have a “blessed life” with Tenley, but has such “great chemistry” with Vienna.

Tenley wakes up with a full face of make-up and reminds us that she gets “butterflies” when she’s with Jake. She also says Jake makes her feel “safe.” Interesting, since she’s about to be on the chopping block.

Vienna wakes up in her slutty green bikini and says that she is “head over heels in love” with Jake. *Gratuitous shot of Vienna showering.*

*The* Neil Lane comes over to help Jake pick out an engagement ring. Jake claims he hasn’t chosen between the two yet. He looks at all of the rings but doesn’t know what to pick. He then tearfully pores over both rings, which are both ugly and gaudy. Pretty appropriate, given the circumstances.

Jake has MADE HIS DECISION. One woman “has [his] heart a little bit more than the other.” WHO WILL IT BE??! I hate to say it, but I think Jake is going to think with a body part other than his head and choose Vienna. Boyfriend: “He’s SO dumb.”

*Several obligatory references to fairy tales.* *Stock footage of helicopter rising over mountain.*

Tenley is first off the helicopter. She feels “blissful” and “joyful.”  This is making me nervous in a bad way. Tenley may “trust Jake with [her] heart” but I think he’s an idiot, so, let’s see who’s right!

Jake bawls and tells her “something doesn’t feel right.” IDIOT. This is REALLY uncomfortable. Okay, now they both are crying, and Tenley is sayng alllll sorts of s**t, like that Jake showed her she could “love again.” Oh, honey. Stop talking. Then she says she’s “not ready to say goodbye” to Jake. STOP TALKING, Tenley!! She also asks him why he’s saying goodbye, and he tells her that some part of him feels like he has to “put on a show” with her. Ouch. Okay, Tenley, if this were me, I would have peaced out like ten minutes ago and tried to keep some scrap of my dignity intact (whatever shred I had left after appearing on The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love).

Ugh, and now for the moment we’ve all been dreading.  Jake has the ring. Vienna paws at the window of the helicopter. Gross. GROSS. Just… gross.

Vienna: “When I found him, I found myself.” Boyfriend: “You’re twenty-three!!!”

Jake tells Vienna he thinks she’s an amazing woman and he GIVES HER BACK HER PROMISE RING. What does this mean?! I’m so confused. Then he tells her he loves her and gives her that cheesy princess-cut diamond and asks her to marry him.  This is so foul. The foulest.

I have no words.

The only thing making this bearable is that they’re playing “On the Wings of Love,” which somehow, someway, makes the severe nausea I’m experiencing worth it.

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