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After the Final Rose. Blech.

Unless Jake dumps Vienna and asks for Tenley’s hand on this show, this is going to be pretty boring.

Oh, wow, Tenley tells Jake that he “smells so good.” Oh, inappropriate intimacy!

Tenley asks Jake what was missing, since she still doesn’t understand. Let me clear this up for you, hon: SEX. That’s what was missing! Vienna has fake boobs and a hip tattoo and slathers Jake with mud! That’s what was missing! You’re a nice girl who does interpretive dance in an empty studio, you can’t compete with that.

*Commercial break and boyfriend comment: he would like to point out that the only reason he thinks Vienna is ‘hot’ is because her body looks like mine. Minus the face. And hip tattoo.*

Jake: “Vienna’s my baby. I have never had this much heat in a relationship. It’s like a fairy tale every day.” A dirty fairy tale? A fairly tale that takes place at Hooters in Tampa Bay? A fairy tale that involves hair extensions and mud-wrestling?

Chris Harrison snidely says that he respects that Jake didn’t care what anyone else felt and did what he wanted. Nice backhanded burn, Chris Harrison!!

Now Vienna comes out in what appears to be a slutty skating costume.  She says that the tabloids are coming up with “fabricated stories” about her that aren’t based on facts.

They’re moving to Dallas “immediately.” My first thought: oh NO, is she pregnant?! Mini-Jiennas/Vakes are a terrible thought. Oh, but wait, they haven’t set a date yet, so that means they are hedging their bets, since chances are they will be broken up within six months. Just saying.

OMG, they brought out Jeffrey Osborne, who sings “On the Wings of Love” in person, wearing a mustard-colored shirt and a chocolate vest.  This is amazing. Meanwhile, Jake and Vienna slow dance and Vienna giggles hysterically. UGH!!!

They are going to announce who the new Bachelorette is — it has to be Ali. It just has to be. Let’s see…

It’s ALI!

Meh. I probably won’t watch the Bachelorette, unless my readers demand it. Hope you guys have enjoyed the Bach this season as much as I have!

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Comments

  1. * Margie Early says:

    Brava! Never saw the show, but never missed the blog!!

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 3 months ago
  2. * kit kat says:

    Vienna does a weird eye roll thing going on, like ceiling eyes…

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 3 months ago
  3. * eteffi says:

    Maybe it has to do with her CROSSED EYES.

    “She falls down a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back. I don’t know.” — Cousin Eddie

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 3 months ago


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