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The Bachelor FINALE, part 1


Can’t even write in full sentences yet because I am so geeking out over this finale. It’s all happening!!! I must gather my wits. Okay… gathering…. aaand, gathered.  I am watching the finale with my boyfriend and I will be inserting his comments as I see fit.  I will be leaving out, for instance, the numerous comments about how hot Vienna is.

First, Jake waxes rhapsodic about the cross-eyed hussy, Vienna. Then he drones on about what an “emotional connection” he has with Tenley.

The girls get to meet Jake’s fam! Jake’s mom immediately wins points with me because she points out that there’s probably a reason that most of the other women on the show didn’t like Vienna. Jake seems dumbfounded and shocked by this observation.

Tenley gets to meet Jake’s family first.  All Jake can talk about is how he messed up by poisoning his family against Vienna right off the bat. Then he adds, perfunctorily, that “today is Tenley’s day and it’s all about Tenley.” Good luck, Tenley.

She gets some quizzical looks when she asks Jake’s dad for examples of how he pursued his wife.  Jake’s mom looks uncomfortable.  Then Jake’s dad starts to cry — it must be hereditary!!  Tenley gets to chat with both of the parents individually. Many tears and giggles ensue. Jake’s dad looks like he’s about to burst into tears the entire time. Then he says he thinks he has met his future daughter in law!! Never thought I’d use this phrase, and it goes against everything I stand for and believe in, but Jake’s dad really wears his heart on his sleeve!

Conclusion from Tenley’s visit: the family is obssessed with her. Jake’s mom says that Tenley is the perfect woman for Jake and they’d be blessed to have her. Boyfriend comment: “Blessed is a pretty strong word for a Christian family.” So is perfect!

Vienna: the family HATES her.  At dinner, they ask her what she likes about Jake and she can’t name ONE THING.  Jake’s mom glares at her through narrowed eyes. Jake’s brothers hate her. Jake’s sisters in law hate her. Jake blames this on “preconceived notions” that his family has of her, despite the fact that they just spent a day with her.

Jake’s sisters in law brutally grill Vienna. It’s awesome. Then, five minutes later, they talk to Jake and apologize for “judging” Vienna. WHAT?! How did this turn-around happen? What did I miss? Did Vienna slip something in their iced teas? Then, to make matters worse, Jake’s mom, my last beacon of hope, tells Vienna that she, too, has changed her mind and that Vienna would “make a very good wife” for Jake.  Boyfriend comment: “The producers obviously made a course correction here so that they wouldn’t feel bad about being judgmental Christians.”

Jake and Vienna rub mud all over each other and she traces “I love you” into his stomach. Barf. Boyfriend: “Does no one think it’s weird that he’s telling more than one woman that he loves her?” And this is why I love my boyfriend: he’s uncomfortable with polyamory.

VIENNA GIVES JAKE HER PROMISE RING.  Caveat: she received this ring from her father after she ran away with some other dude. So, not your typical, Jonas Brothers, virginal promise ring. But still. Jake finally asks Vienna about her previous marriage. Again, how is this just coming up now, on the season finale? And why doesn’t Jake ask her about her fake boobs that her ex-husband paid for against his will?

Okay, so now it’s Jake and Tenley’s “magical” date in St. Lucia. *Obligatory shot of dolphins frolicking.* After a rousing snorkeling session, Jake is acting weird towards Tenley on the boat. He says he’s “just tired!” Ugh, he’s pulling the “just tired” line already? Pretty sure that you can’t use that line for another few years, Jake. Not allowed after two weeks or however long you’ve known these women. Then, they half-heartedly make out, but Jake pulls back and tells Tenley that she has “emotionally captivated him,” BUT…. there’s no physical chemistry. He tries to say that “physical chemistry” is different from “sexual chemistry,” but when Tenley asks him what the difference is, he says that physical chemistry is the “mad, passionate fire” or some such thing. Anyway, whatever it is, Tenley and he don’t have it. Ouch.

Back in Jalousie Bay. Tenley is setting up wine glasses and lighting candles, and worrying about what will happen when Jake will come over. I feel for her. Having the dude that you’ve “fallen for” on TV and probably had sex with against your better judgment suddenly tell you that there’s not enough physical spark between you two has to hurt. When he gets there, Tenley asks him to explain himself more and he tells her that he loves her smile and her eyes. She thanks him for sharing and for being “so honest.” I am unclear on what he was honest about. Did they leave out the part when Jake actually tells her something unpleasant? After that, Tenley gives Jake a shadow box. It’s obviously not as gross as Vienna’s promise ring, but it’s still pretty bad.

As the camera fades out on their cottage, Tenley says in a voice-over, “Tonight is the night that I am going to prove to Jake that our chemistry is real in every single way.” Boyfriend: (*edited for content*). But you can guess what he said.

K, time for a break. See you on the flippity-flop!


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * kit kat says:

    Why do they say sister on laws, it’s sisterS in law. Oh and I am reading, therefore cheating, damnit

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
    • * eteffi says:

      THIS is how I know we are related. Every time someone on that show said “sister in laws,” I cringed and corrected them. I realize that we are both morphing into our grandmother as we speak, and I am okay with that.

      | Reply Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
      • * Catie Rose says:

        I prefer to think I am morphing into my mother… it’s less scary than morphing into an 83 year old… I also DON’T sing that much these days!

        Posted 8 years, 4 months ago
  2. * kit kat says:

    I need closed captions when Vienna is mumbling on the couch

    | Reply Posted 8 years, 4 months ago

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