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I’m baaaaack. And so is the Bachelorette!

Reality peeps — sorry I have been off the scene for a while.  I am going to be in Brazil for a few months (or more) working, and I left the U.S. after only catching one, glorious episode of the latest season of The Bachelorette. Now, I know I had said on here a while ago that I would not live-blog the Bachelorette because I didn’t care, but I changed my mind after seeing the first episode, when I fell in love with this franchise all over again. It was like a fairy tale!

So, I’m still not going to live-blog the Bachelorette, not because I don’t care, but because I am in a country that clearly doesn’t have its priorities straight and doesn’t air it. Unbelievably, the network executives on the Brazilian stations that air American shows decided that it would be more appropriate to air re-runs of “According to Jim” and “The Ghost Whisperer” instead of new episodes of the Bachelorette.  I shouldn’t be surprised: this is a country that loves the show “Two and a Half Men,” so they’re clearly not to be trusted with programming decisions.  Anyway, not to be deterred by Brazilian programming oversights, I’ve been downloading The B-lette on iTunes (sigh) and watching it a day late (and a dollar short).

So, let’s waste no time in catching up on this mess. I am not even going to attempt to comment from the beginning or re-cap everything that has happened (trying to chronicle the *shocking* Justin “Rated R” Rego scandal alone would fill several posts, am I right?), but I will instead comment on the remaining dudes competing for Ali’s heart.

Roberto: why hasn’t this man been cast on a high-end telenovela yet? He is SUPER GUAPO. Ay, corazon! I’m allowed to say that on here because I already said it in person to my boyfriend (partly as payback for his many Vienna-is-hot comments). I mean, come on — who looks like that? Plus, he seems super nice! And he used to play minor league baseball! And he’s an insurance agent, which is somehow adorable when he does it!

Kirk: even though Roberto is foxier, Kirk is sorta kinda my favorite. I, too, melted at his “I had asbestos poisoning and almost died” story, which I am sure he has “reluctantly” told to like, 70 girls at this point. Still, he is funny and cute and Midwestern and I liked that he and Ali bought matching Icelandic sweaters and wore them around town together. Who doesn’t want a man that is willing to wear matching outfits with you in public? I feel like that is number three on the list of things women look for in a mate, right after sense of humor and a commitment to guarding and protecting her heart…

… which leads me to Kasey. Yes, he has been kicked off (unceremoniously on top of a snowy volcano, no less) but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention him and his weird voice. I will feel bad if it turns out he was actually deaf, but was he deaf?  Also, what was up with his off-putting intensity and all that “guard and protect your heart” business? I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt here and assume he’s autistic.

Ty: don’t like him. I was kinda digging the whole friendly cowboy thing until he and Ali had their date and he told her that the reason he got divorced was because  — wait for it — his ex-wife worked.  Seeing Ali’s eyes glaze over at this revelation, Ty quickly said something like, “Oh, but now I have changed and understand that women are allowed to have jobs.”  I guess in the year since his divorce, Ty discovered women’s lib! It was a big year for him: he also found out that he’s no longer allowed to slap female coworkers’ butts when they walk by his desk, and that some women wear pants! In public!  Golly!

Frank: I wanted to like Frank, but — SPOILER ALERT — he leaves Ali “heartbroken” on Bora Bora and returns to the arms of his ex-girlfriend. Don’t pretend like I am actually ruining anything for you peeps — this news is allll over the Internets. I feel kinda bad for Frank, who was doubtlessly duped by the producers into dragging out his stay on the show even after he knew he wanted out. Here’s why I wanted to like Frank: 1) he seems short, 2) he’s not classically handsome, and 3) his face is kinda crooked. I was rooting for him, y’know? But it was not to be. Obviously I can’t wait to see this all go down — the teaser promised tears and yelling! Yes!

Chris: does anyone else get the sense that Chris is not the sharpest crayon in the box? When he’s speaking, you can almost see the wheels slowly turning in his brain. He seems to be reading really poorly written cue-cards when he talks.  That doesn’t mean I don’t like him, necessarily, but I am sorta neutral. He’s good looking and seems like he’s from a nice family and whatever, but, meh. I can take him or leave him. He’s no Kirk. Go get asbestos poisoning and then we’ll talk, Chris.

Am I forgetting anyone? If so, they’re obviously not important enough to bear mentioning here. So, that’s where I stand on these guys. I am looking forward to next week’s episode – bring on the tears and screaming.

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