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Diving back into the Bachelor

So, I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard a peep from me on any reality shows and I have a good excuse: I was in Brazil for the last six months, and the reality pickings there are slim to say the least. But now I’m back and SO excited to be re-entering the world of Jersey Shore (season 3 — and they said it wouldn’t last!), Teen Mom (although I have soured on the concept behind the franchise – more on this later), and, of course, The Bachelor!

I actually missed the first ep of this new Bachelor, which features the handsome and somewhat dull Brad Womack, who, three years ago, failed to pick a bride from the legions of vapid hussies competing for his affections. For this, apparently, he was widely scorned and shamed by viewers for being “selfish” and a commitmentphobe. The commitmentphobe part I get, I guess, but selfish? For not marrying some rando he met three weeks earlier on a sound stage? Really, America?

Anyway, he’s back for a “second chance at love,” (barf) and I am watching the first episode now. Obviously I won’t be live-blogging it, since that ship sailed a week or so ago, but I will offer some initial thoughts. In no particular order:

  • Is it just me, or is the moment where Chris Harrison eagerly awaits Brad’s limo to arrive at the Bachelor Manse a little awks? Chris seems like he wants Brad to pick him in the final rose ceremony.
  • I like how they got in several completely gratuitous shower scenes of Brad within the first five minutes of the show. I guess it makes sense — after all, we can’t really get on board with this guy until we see him soaping up his giant cross tattoo.
  • The “surprise” reunion between the two rejected women from three years ago and Brad? Puh-leeze. STAGED. But still delightfully awkward! And DeAnna? Me-OW!
  • Also, why does Brad have to apologize to these two ladies he didn’t pick? He didn’t owe either of them a proposal, right? I mean I get that maybe he led them on, but each woman had a 50-50 chance of being rejected anyway, so it couldn’t have been that big of a shock to get rejected, am I right?
  • Not digging how every single woman who meets Brad makes some reference to how America hates him or whatever. Personally, I had no idea who he was until like seven minutes ago, and also, these ladies need to get over themselves. I mean, give the guy a break. It’s not like he murdered the two women at the final rose ceremony. But that would have made for great TV!
  • Can we banish the phrase “I’m a hugger” from our vernacular? K, thanks.
  • Raichel with an i? WHYYYY?! And KELTIE? Is that a cross between Kelly and Kilt? Why?!
  • Chick with vampire fangs shows up and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING. Not her, not Brad, not anyone else, until halfway through the show. Business as usual.
  • These women are overwhelmingly horrible. The one who made him kneel down and propose to her? Gross! And the girl that made Brad come to her instead of just getting out of the f***ing limo? UGGGGH.
  • And they’re all so aggressive, these women. One of them was basically like, “I can’t wait for you to meet my family and propose to me and marry me so we can have babies and grow old together and die in each other’s arms and be buried in twin plots. Okay, see you inside!”
  • Didn’t they used to put the women’s ages below their names when they introduced them? I want to know how old these crazy b*****s are.
  • Waaaaay too much self-flagellation from Brad going on (“I’m so sorry. I deserve your scorn and hatred. I have been in therapy for three years. I’m a changed man. Please, please forgive me.”) It’s REALLY boring.
  • And the sense of self-entitlement among these horrid women! One of them, who slapped Brad in the face as soon as she got out of the limo “on behalf of every woman in America” (speak for yourself, hon), said “Don’t make me slap you again” as she made him explain again how he had changed, blah blah blah. What the eff? She doesn’t even know him! And if this had been a man telling a woman “don’t make me slap you?” ABC *probably* would have had a problem with it.
  • Okay, one more thing — how DUMB are these broads who are jumping all over him? It makes sweet little things like Ashley S. (shades of Tenley, am I right?) appear even more angelic and sweet when they kiss his butt.
  • Love that one girl actually dropped the “I’m not here to make friends” bomb!! Obsessed!
  • And, incidentally, the girl who got the first Rose, Ashley S., IS there to make friends (or so she claims).
  • Kinda sad the wall-eyed high school teacher didn’t get picked. I thought Vienna really paved the way for girls with weird eyes on this show, but I guess it was not to be.
  • Oddly enough, I did feel genuine sadness for some of the women who weren’t picked who were crying, because they seemed so desperate. But like, maybe go on or some other forum where you’re not on a 30-1 date?
  • Can’t wait for the obligatory frolicking in the ocean/kissing while doing some sort of extreme sport/awkwardly dancing with local children in a third-world country scenes! Oh, and of course, the obligatory helicopter slowly rising over a mountain scene. This is gonna be a good season!

More to come soon!



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