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Bachelor Brad, Episode 2

Okay, so I know the Bachelor was last night but I went to a happy hour and missed it, so, as is my custom, I am blogging about it a day late. But I’m gonna pretend it’s live and do a blow-by-blow blog post. Here we go!

Love that the girls are boozin’ it up right off the bat.  Wonder if there are any nasty drunks in this bunch? Hope so!

K, so Ashley H. gets the first date with Brad. Ashley H. bugs me a LOT. I think she reminds me of an irritating person I know in real life, and she also seems dumb and annoying and desperate. And her manic, dancin’-in-my-undies-and-tube-socks-because-I’m-so-spontaneous thing in the first episode was just the WORST. Oh, and I hate how she says the word “perfect” with the emphasis on the “ect.” Almost as bad as how Michelle pronounces his name “Brohd.”

So Brad takes Ashley H. to a *supremely* creepy carnival in the middle of nowhere. I sense a forced, “let’s be big kids and hold hands while running” scene coming up! Oh, there it is. Theeeere it is.

Brad is loving Ashley H.! Weird! Oh, whoa, and now they’re making out. I do like that Brad is going down the kissing slut path so early on in the season. Way to go for it, Brad!

After sucking face, Ashley launches into an unexpected speech about her homeless dad while using really aggressive hand gestures. Like, she looks like she’s doing ASL, or perhaps performing an invisible puppet show. Then Brad shares with her that he also had an absentee dad and cries a little bit. Ugh, I hope he’s not a crier like Jake Pavelka. Just sayin’.

Aaaaand Ashley H. gets a rose.  Then they make out on the ferris wheel as she clutches that rose with her life.

Moving on to the group date: 15 girls get to go with Brad to do service for the American Red Cross. By service, I mean they are recording a ridiculous “public service announcement” where they get to dress up in costumes and make out with Brad. Obviously the PSAs they record will never see the light of day. But whatever. Better than a creepy carnival, I guess.

The costumes were kinda fun – some girls got to dress up like French maids or sexy cat women. But poor Keltie had to dress up, literally, as a butch trucker girl in a neck brace with two casts on her arms. Unfortunate.

Side note: two people who are already establishing themselves as crazy: 1) Michelle (b*tchy hairdresser whose 30th birthday was the day of filming and stormed off set during the PSA filming),  and 2) Melissa (girl who was freaking out about quitting her job to come on the show so decided to remedy it by breaking into someone else’s scene while they were filming the PSA and aggressively kissing Brad. She also looks like an older, skinnier Gwyneth Paltrow – and that’s saying something).

On set, after Michelle stormed off set because it was her birthday and she wasn’t getting enough special treatment/adoration, Brad followed her (ugh) and talked her off the (fake, manipulative) ledge. Sigh.

On to the “after-party” at the Roosevelt Hotel in LA, where Crazy Michelle got to spend some alone time with Brad, who she is already referring to as “my man” in confessionals. Gross. They sit down and she tells Brad, “you have walls. I feel like we should dissect you a little bit.” Speaking of dissection, I can totally see this girl being a serial murderess. No, seriously, I could see this woman murdering someone in cold blood and maybe – just maybe – eating them.

OMG, Brad gives Crazy Michelle the rose. Whhhaaaaa?! Brrraaaaaaad! Did the producers make him do this? Or is he really this dumb? It could go either way, I guess.

Jackie gets the next one-on-one date. First things first about Jackie: her face is weird. I can’t put my finger on what it is. But I think she looks sort of like Lea Michele, who also has a weird face, so… maybe it’s that. So, Brad and Jackie have a spa day, but apparently all the spa personnel were busy that day, because Brad has to give Jackie a weird hand massage while they’re both wearing mud masks. Hmm. Then, they go into a room with tons of dresses and Jackie gets to pick whatever she wants to wear. Is this smacking of Pretty Woman a little bit? Is Jackie a high class prostitute? Is that why her face is weird?

On the second part of Jackie’s date, she tells Brad that she never had a boyfriend in college and he acts like that’s super strange and worrisome. He’s worried that she’s not going to “put herself out there.” I think Brad thinks it’s weird that Jackie never had a bf in college because he’s pretty old, and when he was in college, people still went on dates. Brad doesn’t know that when Jackie says she “didn’t date” in college, she still might have, um, put herself out there. You know? Brad? Do I need to spell this out for you?

At the end of the date, Brad and Jackie dance to a private performance by…. TRAIN! Oh, were Hootie and the Blowfish busy? Too bad. I guess ABC was lucky that Train wasn’t already booked at a casino in Connecticut. Glad they locked them in.

Night of the rose ceremony! Creepy Michelle pulls Brad away from everyone else and asks him a bunch of ridiculous artificial questions and then said “me toooo” whenever he stated what he liked. Example:  Michelle: “Do you prefer Starbucks or the Coffee Bean?” Brad: “Starbucks.” Michelle: “Me too!” OMG.

I kinda like Emily, in spite of myself. She looks like a prettier version of Holly Madison, Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend, but she seems genuinely sweet. But I really can’t get behind her leaving her little kid at home while she goes man hunting. Is this some kind of Southern belle thing that I just don’t get? Like, in the South, if you’re really pretty and sweet, does it actually make more sense go on a TV show to try to find a new daddy for your kid, rather than, say, going on eHarmony? I can see Emily pulling it off!

Meanwhile, Melissa, the skinny blonde, freaks the eff out on Raichel, a brunette, and anyone else who talks to her. She claims she’s been “attacked for a week straight.” Then, when Brad comes to talk to her, she tells him she’s “had a really hard week” and starts bawling on him. Oh, girl. Really? SUCH a bad move. Then she bitches to Brad about how mean Raichel is to her, blah blah blah. Brad looks like he wants to crawl out of his skin. He finally extricates himself and goes inside to find Raichel crying. This poor man.

Aahhh, and now we are assaulted with two hideous grammar fails in the Jake-Raichel convo. Raichel says that her difficulties with Melissa have “been taking a toll on myself.” Then, she tells Brad she wants to look beautiful for him. And Brad says: “You look beautiful irregardless.” Please don’t let these two have kids.

Oh, ew, Ali and Roberto show up. Since the Bachelorette ended, by the by, I have totally turned against Ali and Roberto, and I can’t even articulate why, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I think Roberto is a big ol’ phony, and I hate Ali for not picking Kirk, who was so adorable. He almost died of asbestos, Ali! He wore a matching Icelandic sweater with you!! How do you not marry that?! Come on.  But actually, Ali and Roberto seemed pretty cute together on the show, and I do like Ali. So maybe I am back to liking them again.

Anyway, Ali and Roberto give Brad some “insight” on the crazies, and Brad says he’s “100% confident” about who to give the rose to. And it goes to Emily! Nice.

Ooh, rose ceremony. So ready for this. Brad’s gonna send three ladies home! I feel like the dummies who got into crying, silly fights with each other (Raichel, Melissa) are just asking to be kicked off. But, knowing the way these shows work, ABC will probably force Brad to keep on both of those girls to ensure maximum catfight potential. Blah.

Whoa, shocker, Melissa and Raichel get sent home! And so does poor Keltie, who was stuck in that neck brace and trucker cap during the group date. Aw, come on! The girl’s a Rockette and I feel like Brad’s sending her home just because she got the worst costume ever during that PSA they filmed. I feel genuinely bad for her; she seemed like kind of a nice girl. A nice girl with a ridiculous name.

Crazy Melisa looks mean and manic (just like Gwyneth!) as she walks out the door of the Manse. Raichel looks busty and pissed as she walks out. She is crying about being kicked off and all I can concentrate on are her boobs – they are J. Woww scary. Pull that neckline up, girl. Please.

Next week on the Bachelor! Michelle develops her intense, Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction vibe! They film an “action movie!” Brad sings a duet with someone! And someone wants to go home. Exciting. Can’t wait until next Monday!



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  1. * Margie Early says:

    First, High-larious!! Second, what’s wrong with Train? Is it that if you ask the question, you won’t understand the answer?

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 6 months ago

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