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Bach Brad, Ep. 5, Part 1

There are some unfathomable mysteries inherent to this season of The Bachelor that mankind may never be able to solve.  Why are all of these women fighting for a dud like Brad? Why is Brad so conflicted over which vapid headcase to choose? Why is everyone drunk all the time? Why do I watch this show? Something tells me we’re not going to get answers to any of those questions tonight. But let’s watch anyway.

First off, can we talk about Chris Harrison’s groovy shirt with the flowered lining? Does the Bachelor gang share a wardrobe closet/time machine with the cast of the Partridge Family?  That’s the only conceivable explanation I can come up with for that shirt. Anyway, Chris reveals that the remaining “ladies” are getting sent to hang out with Brad in an even more debauched setting than the Bachelor Manse: Las Vegas. This seems fitting. I get the feeling that some of these girls know their way around a rental hot tub, if you know what I’m saying.*

Once everyone’s settled in to their huge Vegas suite, Brad hands out a date card to Shawntel, the funeral director. Their date is a shopping spree, where Shawntel gets to go into any store in a fancy mall and buy anything she wants. Okay, so this is officially prostitution, right?

Also, watching Brad try on clothes with Shawntel and be “goofy” really drives home how boring and un-goofy he really is. I’m sorry, I don’t want to live in the past, but nothing will compare to last season’s Bachelorette, when Ali went shopping for Icelandic sweaters with Kirk. Now THAT was spontaneous, clothes-trying-on fun. And yeah, I know I need to let the Kirk thing go. But I’m just not ready yet.

Brad, like a true polygamist in training, waits at the foot of the staircase for Shawntel while surrounded by the ten other women who he is also dating. The remaining women haven’t totally embraced the sister-wife mindset yet, though, so it’s not one big happy family. There are a lot of death stares happening. Shawntel tells Brad over dinner that she is a funeral director and embalmer. Brad asks what embalming is, and then acts all grossed out when she explains it to him. Hey, if you can’t handle the heat, get out of the embalming room, Brad.

After the gross conversation about draining bodily fluids from dead bodies, Brad gives Chantal a rose because she is pretty.  They make out while watching a fireworks show.  Snore.

Commercial break: I thought I had seen the worst of Bachelor commercial programming line up last week with the combo of Scientology + Susan Sarandan hawking milk + Beyaz, the “fun” birth control, but this week’s “Marry Me Danielle” campaign from Jared Jewelers really takes the cake. First of all, BARF. Second of all, like that’s a real guy proposing. Come on. Third of all, didn’t it seem like he was talking about his dog when he said “she’s my best friend” and “everyone likes spending time with her” and they showed him playing with a dog?

And back to the Bachelor, where on the most cynical Bachelor group date ever, Brad brings a bunch of women, including the adorable Emily, she of the dead racecar driver fiance, to a frickin’ NASCAR race track. Whoever comes up with this show is *officially* going to Hell. Then again, I’m pretty sure the show is co-produced by Lucifer, so it’s probably not a big deal. Emily, understandably, is not psyched about the racetrack date.  When she tells Brad what’s going on, he feels like an a-hole, which, you know, he should.  But, being the trouper she is, Emily suits up and gets in a race car.

*Inspirational music soars as Emily drives around the track.*  Oh, so they are gonna spin this like the show is doing this poor woman a favor by forcing her to relive her deepest traumas? They’ve already made her get in a plane, and now she has to drive a race car – what is this, immersion therapy? What are they going to do next, put Emily in a bathtub and dump scorpions on her?

At the after party, Brad pulls Emily aside and the remaining girls get nervous. Alli, in a sensitive moment, snarks, “Oh, just because she comes in with the worst story, she gets the most attention?” Me-OW. But yes, that is how this works, Alli. Deal with it.

Immediately after Brad returns from his serious talk with Emily, Needy Alli comes up and bawls to him because it’s “hard to feel special.” Ugh, YES, Alli, there are ten other women on the show. Are you just noticing this?  How is this news?

During her alone time, Chantal disingenuously tells Brad that she “loves” him and then even more disingenuously “takes it back.” Then she plays coy and says, in a horrible baby voice, that it’s “scary.” Then SHE starts crying. I’m pretty sure if I were the Bachelor, at this point, I’d start smacking people. And that’s how bad this show is: it’s turned me into an abusive boyfriend.

Crazy Michelle pulls Brad aside and tells him that there are a lot of “immature” girls competing for his affection, and then aggressively kisses him. Hey, stick with what works, Michelle!

Coming up… two-way date with the Ashleys….

*I’m saying they’re slutty.

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