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Bach Brad, Ep. 5, Part 2

We’re back with a two-way date with the Ashleys. As a refresher, Ashley S. is Tenley II, and Ashley H. is the highly strung dentist who says the word “perfect” weird. On the date, they go to Cirque du Soleil and watch a performance, then they “get to participate” in the show. Wow, lucky them. Every woman wants to be compared to lithe, French professional acrobats on a date, right?

Ashley S., while staring wistfully up at Brad, who is hanging toolishly from the ceiling in a harness, says it would be nice to “finally be the one for someone.” Ugh, that genuinely makes me sad. These women are so desperate, I really do feel for them.  Ashley S. is a cute girl and seems nice enough, so I feel bad that she’s pinning all of her romantic hopes and dreams on dullard Brad.

At the most awkward three-way dinner ever, Brad has to decide who to send home. He gives both Ashleys generic praise and then makes a speech about following his heart and blah blah blah. And he sends Ashley S. home, telling her she will make an “amazing wife” — just for somebody else. Ouch! In her post-rejection confessional, she cries a bunch and says she wonders if something is wrong with her. Hon, here’s what’s wrong: you thought you could find a husband on a TV show. And you allowed yourself to think you “fell in love” with some dude who you knew for like 5 days and spent a total of maybe an hour with, all while being filmed by a camera crew. Also, you’re 26. I don’t think you need to throw in the towel just yet. But if you’re still single by the time you’re 27, you should just become a nun.  Obviously.

Ashley H. and Brad perform their stupid wire act at Cirque du Soleil. I bet that audience is pissed they didn’t buy tickets to Cher instead. Something like this would never happen on Cher’s watch.

Brad calls his enabler/therapist, Jamie, who reminds him of his “mission” to find a wife and his “journey.” Jamie also tells Brad that he’s going to get to a “deep place” with some of these women. Ahem. And, of course, the most irritating buzz word of the season is tossed around with wild abandon: Brad needs to “be vulnerable” and find “strength in [his] vulnerability.” This is all made even more painful by the fact that Brad can’t really pronounce the word “vulnerable.”

Before the rose ceremony, Brad rewards both Alli and Chantal for their bad behavior (crying, whining, moaning) by having “alone time” with each of them. He even gives Alli champagne, since these chicks clearly aren’t drunk enough already. After that, Marissa sidles up to Brad and gives him a bunch of handwritten notes. Weird. Then Crazy Michelle sequesters Brad in a room, with the door shut, and tells him he’s not allowed to talk, while leaning over him and talking in a low, intense voice, with a demented smile on her face. This is serial killer behavior, y’all.  At least Brad has the good sense to look scared.

Rose ceremony time. Crazy Michelle gets the first rose. Sigh. I guess that “scared” look on Brad’s face earlier was actually his “in love” look. Alli gets the second (pity) rose. Then Brit, then Jackie. The final rose goes to Chantal. Guess all that crying and embalming talk really paid off for her, eh? Poor Lisa and Marissa, the rejects, hustle off set to go cry in their cabs. They don’t even get limos – ow.

Next week the gang goes to Costa Rica, then, apparently, Anguilla. And then South Africa. The budget for this show has to rival NASA’s, I’m serious.

See you next week…

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