Tube Topix

Bach Brad, the Valentine’s Day edition

Hello everyone – sorry I missed live blogging the Bach last week.  For those of you who missed it, there wasn’t a lot to report other than some zip-lining, emotional manipulation, and tears. The ush. This week, just to manage expectations, I did my usual thing of watching with my friend Lauren, taking sketchy notes, and then posting said sketchy notes the next day (i.e., today). So here ya go – a recap of the Bachelor, the Valentine’s Day edition:

  • There are gonna be FOUR hometown dates this season? Ugggh. At this rate, next season each episode will be five hours long and seven women will end up marrying him.
  • Emily and Brad’s date – FINALLY, the obligatory helicopter rising over mountain shot!! We’ve been waiting all season for this.
  • And OMG, their date is awk! Nothing to say! Their hair goes from dry to wet to dry (editing!) and then they kiss. Brad says he “loves [their] conversation.” Then he says to Emily, “we’re losing the sun, but we’re gaining the moon.” Lauren and I squirm with discomfort.
  • Emily hems and haws over whether to introduce Brad to her daughter. I think she’s right to protect her child from this boob, especially since I don’t think they’re actually going to get married – there, I said it. Plus, how creepy is it that Brad is pressuring Emily to do something she’s not comfortable with, especially with a decision involving her child! Insensitive. At the end of the date, Brad jumps the gun and says he is taking Emily on a hometown date, even though he’s not supposed to reveal that until the rose ceremony – he’s breakin’ all the rules!
  • Shawntel’s date – not a lot to say about this other than to comment on the fact that they dance with local children in a market… like they do on Every Single Bachelor(ette) Season, Ever. Oh, look as they whimsically jump-rope while colorfully dressed local people with stiff smiles look on. Then they crash some old dudes’ dominoes game. Ugh, go back to where you came from, white devils!
  • Shawntel tells Brad she is falling in love with him. He says, “that means a lot to me.” Ouch, right?
  • Lauren, on Shawntel: “she looks like she smokes a lot of pot.” YES.  Appropriately, the second half of their date consists of swaying back and forth at a reggae concert.
  • WHOA – the tattoo on Shawntel’s lower back is not messing around. It’s giving Brad’s giant cross a run for its trampy money!
  • Britt and Brad’s date: Britt is afraid to jump off a cliff but she does it to win Brad’s love. Unfortunately, turns out Brad’s heart is immune to the power of cliff diving. Who knew?
  • Most awk moment of the show: Britt says, “when you meet the right person, you know,” and stares meaningfully at Brad. His response? “Yeah.” Squirrrrrm!
  • During dinner, Britt pretends to eat food while Brad awkwardly complements her “bravery” for jumping off a cliff. Then he tells Britt that he doesn’t see a future with her. But what about the cliff diving?? Britt says she wants to keep going out with Brad to “keep discovering” if there is anything there. And Brad shoots that idea down, saying he won’t string her along. OUCH. Then he tells her it’s time to say goodbye. Brad! She cliff dove for you, and this is the thanks she gets??!
  • Oh, actually most awk moment of the show: after Brad brutally rejects Britt, he tells her to “please watch your step” as she’s leaving. THEN she has to go back to the house and pack up her stuff in front of all the other girls. They all pretend to be “sad” she’s leaving but can barely conceal their glee as she tearfully shoves her clothes into her suitcase.
  • Later that night, Brad sneaks in on the sleeping women, who uniformly look like hell, and wakes them up for their date, which is modeling on the beach for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. During the photo shoot, Ashley and Chantal take off their tops, so to one-up them, Michelle dry humps Brad on the beach.
  • Brad feels repentant for the gross make-out with Crazy Michelle, and tells her that he is “scared” that they are “so similar.” I am getting sick of Brad using the phrase “that scares me a little bit.” Enough with that. Thanks.
  • Also, can we just all agree that Ashley = desperate and awful? And drunk? Brad gives her a rose and she calls him “babe” and wraps her legs around him and says she wants to “stay like this forever.” I am actually getting nauseated watching this. Just like Ashley will be after her seventh drink this episode.
  • Chantal bawls when Brad gives Ashley the rose and then continues to act like a whiny baby. Listen, I am a crier, so I’m the last one to judge someone for getting a little teary-eyed, but you can cry like a grown-ass woman. Grow a pair, Chantal.
  • Rose ceremony – Brad foregoes the cocktail party to jump straight into the rose ceremony. OOh! You could cut the tension with a knife (which Crazy Michelle probably has hidden in her cleavage)!
  • Chris Harrison emerges from behind a rock to announce the last rose!
  • ….. And Michelle goes home! She looks murderous.
  • When Brad walks Michelle out, I am actually kind of scared for him. The horror movie music does not help things. But, as it turns out, she just gets in the limo and drives off without murdering or even maiming him. I was sort of hoping for her to claw Brad’s eyes out, but no dice.
  • Props to Michelle for not saying anything in the limo. Most of these dimwits blubber their way home and say how much they cared for Brad and say things like,  “I could really see myself marrying this man.”

That’s all she wrote. Hometown dates next ep!


    Trackbacks & Pingbacks


    1. * nicole says:

      I so wish I could watch these with you!! Your recaps are awesome as always, thanks for keeping me in the loop 🙂 xx

      …we’re losing the sun but gaining the moon Steph…

      | Reply Posted 7 years, 5 months ago
    2. * Carrie says:

      I sooooo look forward to reading TubeTopix……you are the best!!!!!!!!!!

      | Reply Posted 7 years, 5 months ago

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