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Bach Brad – Meeting the Fams!

 

So, I didn’t watch the Bach yesterday because my lovely boyfriend was in town, and I am not *quite* at the point where I will put my actual relationship on the back-burner in favor of watching the “relationship” farce that is the Bachelor. Plus, pretty sure my boyfriend would break up with me if I forced him to watch two hours of this drivel. But yet, here I am faithfully watching two hours of this drivel as soon as he is out the door. I can’t help myself.

  • This is the ep where Brad gets to go and meet the families of the final four women. On every season of the Bachelor(ette), the families of the contestants never fail to mystify me in their blind acceptance of the fact that their child is on a quasi-polygamist dating show. It’s so weird to me how they’re always so eager to roll over and show their bellies to whatever reality show twat their child has dragged home. I’d like to think that if I ever brought home Brad Womack to meet my parents, they would politely yet firmly tell me I was disowned.
  • First hometown date is Chantal, whose dad is an ex-NFL player and owns a lot of car dealerships in the Seattle area. He seems like the kind of dad who’d be pretty okay with his daughter’s fame-whoring, so this should work out splendidly.
  • Chantal’s dad and Brad bond over being “self-made men.”  Ha!
  • Chantal’s mom’s face – what is going on there? She reminds me of someone but I can’t quite think of who…

  • At the end of his vacuous conversation with Brad, Chantal’s dad tells him that he has their blessing to marry their daughter.  Wow, that was easy. All Brad had to do was comment admiringly on Chantal’s dad’s sculpture of a man carving himself out of wood (sigh) and he was in like Flynn.
  • Time for Ashley’s date. Ashley is from Maine, which makes me sad, because up until now, I really liked Maine.
  • Brad is so effing dumb, I can’t even deal. When the woman at the restaurant in Ashley’s French-speaking hometown asks him in French if he’s ready to order, he says “si.” UGggghH I am embarrassed that Brad and I are from the same country. Also, Ashley’s pronunciation of poutine, while probably accurate, is perhaps more obnoxious than how she says “perf-ECT.”
  • Hey, fun drinking game: take a shot every time Ashley says “isn’t it cuuuuute?” Wait, don’t actually play unless you can safely take like 34 shots in the space of three minutes.
  • Jeez, seems like Ashley comes by her mania naturally. There was much crazy-eyed giggling, grinning, and shouting at her family dinner. I’m just glad no one was dancing around in underwear and tube socks.
  • Bombshell: Ashley, the self-proclaimed “dentist,” is in DENTAL SCHOOL. Come ON.
  • Shawntel’s date – okay, first of all, I was a little confused because right before the Bach came back on, there was an awkward commercial for Shawntel’s family business, the Newton funeral home in Chico, California. What?! Pretty hard to argue that you aren’t on the show for the “wrong reasons” when you are actively hawking the family biz during the commercial breaks!
  • First epic grammar fail of the episode: Shawntel says, “this is the final test for Brad and I’s relationship.” SIGH.
  • Brad and Shawntel have an exceptionally creepy date where Shawntel really pushes the whole death-becomes-her angle, showing Brad the crematorium and the embalming room. Not cute.  Then she makes Brad lie on the table and she demonstrates how she embalms bodies. Ugh, we get it, Shawntel, you work in a funeral home! Enough already!
  • Shawntel’s dad wants her to take over the family business and apparently her “romance” with Brad does not fit into those plans. Don’t worry, Mr. Newton. I don’t think Shawntel’s leaving Chico any time soon.
  • At the end of the date, Shawntel tells Brad she is “in love” with him and he studiously does not answer.  She says, “The date could not have gone any better.” Um… it could have, actually.
  • And now, the date we’ve all been waiting for – Emily! I am kinda weirded out by the fact that Emily is allowing her child to be on TV. She’s never introduced her daughter to anyone she’s dated and now she’s making an exception for Brad, of all people? Oh, Emily! Why??
  • Lil’ Ricki, who apparently is a better judge of character than her mother, is initially not impressed with Brad. Eventually she warms to him while they play with a kite, and by the end of the night, they are BFF. I did not see that coming.
  • After Ricki goes to bed, though, things get weird – Brad tells Emily he can’t kiss her and acts all uncomfortable and awks. Finally, Emily takes matters into her own hands and kisses Brad as he is awkwardly bumbling his way out the door.

  • Rose ceremony!  Ashley gets the first rose, which is just baffling. She’s not even a real dentist, Brad!!
  • Emily gets the second rose, and Brad gives the final rose to Chantal, leaving Shawntel N. to be sent home to her embalming studio. I think we all saw that coming from a mile away. Shawntel sort of dug her own grave on this one, you know?
  • In the limo, Shawntel says that she thinks Brad is “so perfect” and that he treated her “like a princess.” Oh, sigh.
  • Brad announces that he’s taking the women to South Africa next week. Can’t wait to see Brad and the girls dance with locals, possibly to the beat of some ethnic drums! Because we’ve never seen that before!
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