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B’ette Ep. 2

I’m finally catching up on the B’ette, several days late, but better late than never, right? I had to psyche myself up to watch this episode – it takes an incredible amount of energy to tolerate Ashley’s voice for two hours straight. I’m steeling myself… Okay. Steeled. Let’s do it.

Her first one-on-one date is with William (womp womp!).  They take a plane to Vegas – trashy! They go wedding cake tasting and, confirming all of my worst expectations about her, Ashley smashes cake in William’s face.  Then they try on engagement rings (sigh), wedding rings (double sigh), and then they go to a wedding chapel (welcome to Sigh City USA, population: Stephanie). Ashley mugs her way down the aisle in a slutty white dress and William says “I do,” and Ashley says “maybe.” Then the fake priest says, “You may kiss the almost-bride,” and they kiss (everybody’s gone siiiighin’, sighin’ USA).

After this terrible spectacle, they go to dinner on the (fake) water at the Bellagio and the word “amazing” is dropped approximately 55 times in the space of several seconds. Gross. Can you imagine what kind of horrifying flotsam is in that Vegas water? I shudder to think. Dinner takes a turn for the serious when William tells Ashley about his Dead Dad, who died of alcoholism (oof), and he explains that he wears a watch that stopped when his dad died (macabre much?). Ashley then shares her OWN alcoholic dad story. Bonding ensues.

At the end of the date, Ashley gives William a rose and says “I want to give you this roo-es, and I really, really hope that you ack-cept eht.” Then she says the night was “per-FECHT.” Where did she learn to talk? Does she understand how English vowels work?

Time for the group date in Vegas, which involved dancing with a weird dance crew.  The entire date was super boring and I had to stop myself from fast-forwarding over it. It was so boring and confusing that I don’t even know what happened, but it involved dancing and masks and ugly silver jumpsuits.  Whatever. At the cocktail party afterwards, West (I’m still not over the silliness of that name) tells Ashley how his wife died nine months after they got married. He failed to mention the drug use and the two separate bathtubs (which is the weirdest part of the whole story) and how he was investigated for involvement in the death. But never mind all that!  He learned a lesson from it, which is Not To Take Life For Granted and to See the Good In People. And most importantly, he’s here for the Right Reasons!

Then Bentley corners Ashley. In a confessional right before this, he says that Ashley has “bangin’ legs” and a “nice ass” or something to that effect, but she’s not his type and he’s only in it for the competition. Huh? Anyway, Ashley tells Bentley that she “feels something for [him]” and that he needs to stay. Then she gives him a rose. Good call, Ash – I’m sure this will turn out very well for you.

Mickey gets the second date with Ashley. The *entire* date centers around flipping coins for every mundane decision (“should we drink red wine or white wine?” “should I go get the wine or should you go get the wine?” “should we flip this coin again so that we’ll have some gimmick to make the lack of chemistry between us less unbearable?”). Ugh, enough with the coin flipping!! WE GET IT, YOU’RE IN VEGAS. After dinner, Ashley – wait for it – FLIPS A COIN to decide whether Mickey gets a rose. He does. SHOCKER.

At the cocktail rose ceremony thing, J.P. beats the dead coin-tossing horse a few more times by telling Ashley they’d flip a coin, and if she lost, she’d have to kiss him, and they kiiissss. Ugh. Although, I have decided that J.P. is very cute. He looks sort of like Joseph Gordon Levitt. Who is also very cute. So that’s that.  I don’t want to say too much more about it because my fiance has just accused me of being boy crazy. Hey, I yam what I yam.

The Masked Douche is threatening to “reveal [himself] to Ashley.” That sounds ominous. He corners Ashley on the stairs and launches right into his Brain Hemorrhage story, which is his version of the Dead Dad story. He also drops the Divorce bomb. Then he says he’s “finally ready to take this thing [the mask] off.” Oooh, I wonder what his face looks like!  That mask is really concealing a key few inches of eye skin! You know, they say that the eye skin makes the face.

Ben the Drunk Cajun Lawyer corners Ashley and asks her to tell him “something substantive.” Oh, lawyers!! You’re the worst!

Bad Bentley says for the millionth time that Ashley is not his type, then swoops in and physically picks her up and carries her to the fireplace and makes out with her for a second or two, then says in a confessional that the kiss “started off good but sucked by the end.” Wow. Don’t pussyfoot around, Bentley – tell us how you really feel. Dum-dum Ashley says she has a “good radar for when people are being insincere,” and she is sensing “such sincerity from Bentley.” I bet she thinks she has awesome gay-dar, too.

Rose ceremony! Question 1: who the hell is Lucas? Is he this season’s Valishia? Question 2: who’s the angry eyebrow guy who gets eliminated? Where were these guys hiding the whole night? Whatevz, I’m just glad that Ben F. stayed. I’m rooting for him. Except I don’t want him to get stuck with Ashley. Hmm, dilemma.

Stay tuned – the silliness continues next week!

 

 

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