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B’ette 3

Warning: I am live blogging while eating. And drinking. This could get ugly.

Ben C.’s date involves a flash mob. Ugh. I don’t even want to write about this. So basically Ashley springs a flash mob on him and he is a shockingly good sport. And he’s a shockingly good dancer (for being a lawyer)!

Whatever modicum of respect I gained for Ben, though, I lost as soon as dinner started, when he told Ashley that he’s been dreaming about the perfect love since he was a little boy (yes, because every little boy dreams of romantic love!) and that he wanted to “literally blow the roof off.” First of all, blow the roof off of what? And second, unless he’s into explosives, I’d like to know where he want to law school and how he graduated without understanding what the word “literally” means.

The dinner devolves into more treacly nonsense, with the high point being Ben’s admission that he is a “hopeless romantic,” and Ashley’s brilliant observation of: “that’s why you’re here.” On this TV show.  Which is mainly used as a platform for people to launch unsuccessful careers in modeling and acting. But yeah, his “romanticism” is definitely why he’s here.

Next up: The Masked Douche goes on a long exposition before finally taking off his mask to reveal another three square inches of face. Big reveal! And actually, those three square inches are not doing him any favors. Maybe he should put the mask back on?

The group date involves a roast of Ashley. My skin is already crawling with second- (and third-) hand embarrassment. Why does the Bachelor franchise always force unfunny people to try to be funny? WHY?! I have always said that there are very few things more painfully uncomfortable than bad comedy.  But I now stand corrected: this date proved that there IS something worse. Bad, MEAN comedy. Undoubtedly, the most horrid part of the evening was when William, who before this was a front-runner, totally miscalculated the point of the roast and SKEWED Ashley for being Brad’s used up “trash” and for having small boobs. It was pretty bad. Ashley slunk off the stage and cried. And then, making the whole situation even worse, Bentley crept up on crying Ashley and preyed on her. He’s about as comforting as a tarantula, but Ashley was eating it up.  Ew. I am getting major sociopath vibes from Bentley. Shivers. Bad shivers.

William later apologized to a tearful Ashley but she was having none of it. Then he started crying. Oy. My fiance’s comment: “Crying was the right move. There’s no other way he can come back from this.” Ahhh, so THIS is how men think. Anyway, after volunteering to leave the show altogether, William went on a long, solo, crying walk in downtown L.A. Oh, the dramz!  While on his epic walk, William says, “Today, I hurt the one person I truly care about.” Really, guy?? The ONE person you care about is a chick you’ve known for like, a day? Who you just made fun of for having no boobs?! C’mon.

Oooh, now Ashley confronts Bentley about Being There For The Wrong Reasons! He gets a cold, psycho-killer look on his face as she’s talking. Chills!!! Speaking of serial killers, does Bentley bear an uncanny resemblance to Dexter, or is it just me?

Even creepier than the possibility of Bentley being a psychopath is Ashley’s groveling, begging Bentley to stay. What is wrong with this woman? She says stuff like: “There’s something about him that’s so sincere, I just know that he’s my guy.” Cut to scene of Bentley packing his bags to leave the show, because he’s decided “it’s time” and he’s tired of being there. Ohhh boy.  He gives some BS speech to the other guys about how he misses his daughter (which he freely admits in his confessional is not the reason he’s leaving – and can we talk about how much it would suck to be Bentley’s kid?) and then he peaces out.

After leaving the other dudes, Bentley goes to say goodbye to Ashley. He gives her the old line about missing his daughter and whatever, and she takes it badly, whining to him about how she doesn’t know how she can go on with the show, etc. Oh, please, Ashley, grow a pair (of ovaries) and hold on to whatever tiny shred of dignity you still have going into this, your SECOND season on the Bachelor franchise. She must feel like the biggest dumbo ever now that she’s seen this show air, right?

And actually, wow, how awful are the producers of this show that they let this guy say all this crap about her and didn’t warn her at all and then let her completely humiliate herself on national television? I mean, when you agree to be the Bachelorette, I suppose you sign on for a certain amount of manipulation and humiliation at the hands of the evil overlords of ABC, but this situation was pretty egregious – they let Ashley really make a total eejit of herself on TV, and then Chris Harrison gave a press conference or something where he said that the producers only wanted to respect Ashley’s wishes, which apparently involved humiliating herself? Come on. I call BS on that, big time. (See, e.g.,

Poor, hapless J.P. gets the post-Bentley date, but he plays it pretty well and somehow gets Ashley into her (gross, unsexy) PJs (and glasses). He also sports a pair of dorky plaid PJs. Hot. But wait, why are they having a sleepover party on their second date? How sketchy is this? Is this what people do nowadays? Have PJ parties and reveal their puffy, post-cry, glasses-wearing faces on the second date? Kids these days.

Rose ceremony! Ashley starts off by staring wistfully at Bentley’s picture (the serial killer lumberjack pic – see above) and saying that how last week, she saw her husband in the room, and how this week, she doesn’t. I’m going to use my powers of deductive reasoning to infer that Ashley thought Bentley was going to be her husband. Oh, sigh. Then Chris Harrison, who sold Ashley up the proverbial reality TV river, comes in and “sympathizes” with her about Bentley. She then says that she “loved” Bentley. I am humiliated for her on behalf of all womankind. She goes on and on about how “alone” she feels. Oh, the humanity!

Rose ceremony time! Ashley walks out in her metallic robot dress to distribute the roses. And, surprise! William doesn’t get eliminated, but Douche Mask and Chris (white boy rapper from Chicago) do. On the way out, D.M. burns his mask on a bonfire and stares meaningfully at it as it sort of burns, but mostly just stays intact, since it’s probably made out of material that is not supposed to be burnt symbolically.

And that’s all she wrote. See you on the flippity flop!


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  1. * kit kat says:

    Thank you, I forgot to tape it last night and had kickball, booooo. Now I need to google DM’s face.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 1 month ago

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