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B’ette 4, Part 1

We’re back for another week with the least likeable Bachelorette ever! She really is the worst, isn’t she, guys? Just the worst. Anyway, I’m live blogging this biz, so let’s jump right in.

The episode starts out with Chris Harrison telling the guys they’re going to Phuket, Thailand. I love that they’re bringing the denizens of one of the fakest, most manipulative dating shows to one of the largest sex tourism capitals of the world. Sexual cynicism, anyone?

Thailand! Ashley starts the episode off on a highly unlikeable note by saying that she’s still “holding on to the beginning of the relationship [she] had with Bentley,” and then droning on about how she just can’t forget about him. Here’s my question: could she BE any worse? I’m not sure it’s possible. I think she might have attained the pinnacle of worstness.

Constantine, he of the wavy locks, gets the first one-on-one date this ep. Some of the other men, including Personal Trainer Nick, who is essentially a blond wig sitting on top of a pair of dentures, say how disappointed they are about this. Womp womp.

Constantine shows up at the dock for the date, which apparently involved boating of some sort, but the weather is not cooperating. A wizened Thai man comes up to them and conveys this information to them in Thai, which makes sense, since it’s a huge international tourist center and a lot of white tourists speak Thai.  Ashley and Constantine decide to wander “aimlessly” around Phuket and end up doing an obligatory Bachelor(ette) “wacky market shopping” scene. So unscripted! So spontaneous! So wacky!!! Then they move right along into the obligatory, “asking ancient Asian man for sage, vaguely Buddhist life advice” scene. After thanking Thai Confucius for his advice (which was something like “don’t get into fights”), they go to drink a beer at a sidewalk cafe.

It seems like a pretty nice date so far, so Ashley makes sure to ruin it by saying in a voiceover that she still misses Bentley, although now she “has a little bit of [her] heart back, and [is] ready to start giving it away again.”  It’s going to be hard to blog the rest of this with vomit all over the keyboard.

Over dinner, Ashley wants to tell Constantine about her “strong and real” feelings for Bentley. That’s a good idea, Ash! Tell this man that you are on a date with all about how you fell in love with a sociopathic user who humiliated and disgraced you on national television and left the show during the third episode!  Tell this guy that! She manages not to outright tell him that she’s still in love with Bentley, amazingly, but she drops some hints, which he artfully ignores, and they end the date by playing in the surf (original!).

For the group date, Ashley and the men improve an orphanage.  J.P., the poor fool, says that “Ashley could have been anywhere in the world right now, but she chose to be here.” Sure, if by “chose,” you mean she was contractually obligated by the network. But okay. Let’s give Ashley the benefit of the doubt here! She can use all the help she can get, right?

Ooooh, all the men are starting to hate Ryan. I love it! I love the man dramz!

Ben F. pulls ahead during the orphanage date by painting an adorable elephant on the wall of one of the rooms. A highly transparent ploy, but pretty effective: during cocktail hour, Ashley kisses him. Fair enough, I say.

Then she goes and sits on the beach under an umbrella with J.P., who seems inexplicably eager to date Ashley. There’s clearly something wrong with him. He’s all Joseph Gordon Levitt-y with his dimples and stuff. He seems like a nice dude. So why does he want to be with Ashley? Does he not have a dental plan?

Group date rose ceremony…. and it goes to Ben F.!

More to come in Part 2. Stay with me (if you can bear it)!

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