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B’ette 5 – Part 1

I am jumping on the B’ette blogging late tonight because Al and I had a long talk with our wedding planner (eee!) and ate dinner late (pasta with turkey-meat sauce, fyi), and by the time I got around to turning on the B’ette, it was 9:15. So, um, might not do the whole episode tonight. Or I might just do a shitty job of it. We’ll see how it goes.

First date: Ben F. So, I actually liked Ben F. before this date, and now I’m sort of over him, mostly because he likes Ashley. I especially started to dislike him when he said that he could see Ashley as a “potential fiancee… or wife… of mine.” Oh, you could see her as a wife of yours? Personally I think she’d make great concubine material.

Also, this date at the temple in Chiang Mai was so gross with all of its “no kissing by the temple, it’s sacrilegious!!” sexual tension, blaaaah. And the “mental kiss” was the WORST. Ugh. My fiance interjects: “She is the worst. I want her to, like, drown.”

For their dinner date, Ben and Ashley get to eat at a temple. (Talk about sacrilege). Over a dinner of what appears to be flowers, Ashley and Ben talk about how awesome their date was, while a hapless waiter squats next to their table for a really, awkwardly long time. Then Ben talks about how he got started in the wine-makin’ biz. He tells her how a year ago he wasn’t “ready” to be in a relationship (while still managing to weave in the Dead Dad story, obvz). Nicely played, Ben F. Nicely played. At the end of the date, they make out, and I have to look away. Ben F. is ruined for me forever now.

For the group date, the guys do Muay Thai fighting, which involves lots of unnecessary sit-up/push-up competitions and smacks around the face by small, muscly Thai men. Finally, the guys suit up in brightly colored shorts (Ames gets bright pink!) and head to the boxing ring, where two actual fighters are beating the crap out of each other. First up are Blake and Lucas. Blake: “It’s time for me to show Ashley I’m more than just a dentist.” Yeah, dentists suck, am I right, bro? Up high. Anyway, Blake kicks Lucas’ Texas oil prospecting butt handily. Next, JP goes up against Mickey, who thumps him royally, to the point where it’s embarrassing. But then JP (who has surprisingly weird nipples, no?) turns it around and wins, and makes kind of a weird comment about a Jew beating an Irishman. Awk. Next: Ames v. Ryan. This is not good. Oh, very not good. Poor, pink-shorted Ames gets hit in the head several times and looks pretty bad. Like, Texas high school football player bad. After coming out of the ring, Ames is clearly drifting off into Concussionville, and everyone seems vaguely concerned, although no one does anything for what seems like a really long time. Finally, Ashley packs Ames into an ambulance, and he goes to a surprisingly festive looking Thai hospital for treatment. Way to act fast, guys.

Cocktail party: Ryan disingenuously tells Ashley that he feels “bad” about beating up Ames, and also manages to show off his battle scars. Come off it, Ryan.  Then Ames shows up, still looking a bit concussed, but at least not in those gay shorts anymore, and Ashley gives him some pity one-on-one time. Sad. Then she gives him a pity shout-out in front of the other guys.  Sadder.

Blake gets the group date rose. Guess he overcame that dentist rap after all.

Okay, that’s all for tonight. I will blog the second half of this biz some other night this week. Next up is the uber-awkward two-on one date! Stay tuned for craziness!

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