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B’ette 5, Part 2

I am back to blog part 2 of the Bach’ette.  Better late than never, I always say (whenever I am late doing something).

First, it’s a two-on-one date with Ben C. and William! So kinky!

Observation: either Ben C. is a giant, or William is a midget. There is no other possibility.

They go rafting down a river and it’s immediately awkward. They reach a picnic site, and William starts chugging wine out of a stemless glass. This should go well. During his alone time with Ashley, William tells her that Ben C. goes on dating websites at the house, or is planning on going on dating websites, or something! Ohhh, shizz! No he di’in! Ashley, eerily logical, asks, “Why would he tell you guys that, wouldn’t he know you’d just tell me?” Touche. But, despite William not having an answer for her question, Ashley immediately turns around and sends Ben C. home. Dang! So William’s subterfuge worked! And, actually, based on Ben C.’s less-than-stellar defense of himself (essentially: “I was on those websites as a joke”), maybe she made the right move. Ben C. is slowly rafted away from the date. Turns out that a pensive raft ride is way more dramatic than the standard pensive limo ride.

Now that William has Ashley all to himself, he tries to turn on the schmooze as they drink wine out of weird, goblet-style glasses. Ashley seems pretty aloof, and after William tells her he’s a “30 year old boy” who’s “just looking for someone to have some fun with,” it’s pretty much over for him. Ashley drops the hammer on him, telling him that the magic is gone, and briskly walks him out.

William feels sorry for himself, whining, “This is my life.” WOMP WOMP. Bad stuff always happens to you, William! You sure do have bad luck! If by “bad luck,” you mean making bad choices and generally being a dick. But at least you can go back to being the Beeper King of Ohio now. So you got that still, right?

As the limo is driving away, he says, “I just want to curl up and go to sleep and not wake up.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. You want to commit suicide because a girl you called, and I’m paraphrasing here, “small-boobed trash” didn’t give you a magnetic rose for your lapel? That seems reasonable.

At the cocktail party, Ashley shows up and gives the dudes an uncomfortable speech about how they need to be honest and true and real and open with her. Ryan then sits her down and gives her an unnecessarily intense glimpse into his thoughts. Yick. Now it’s Constantine’s turn. She asks him if he feels closer to the guys than he does to her, and he says yes, and she seems bummed out. Dude, Ashley, they live together in a house all day with no outside stimulation, while you see each one of them for approximately 5 minutes a week, while being filmed. I mean, at this point, it would be understandable if some of them started dating.

Ashley sits in J.P.’s lap (whoa!), and he says that he already feels like they have an “everyday” relationship. It feels so “normal” and “real” to him. Oh, did J.P. grow up on the set of another reality show? Or is he just completely delusional? I think I’ve said this before, but even assuming that these people are on this show to “find love,” which is a generous assumption, the way this show operates does not set people up for successful, real-world relationships. Turns out it’s easy to “fall in love” when you’re being fed unlimited booze, being shuttled from fabulous exotic paradise to fabulous exotic paradise, luxury hotel to luxury hotel, and you never have to deal with picking your partner’s dirty socks up off the carpet, or getting up for work, or getting a flat tire. Just saying!

Anyway, guess what? Ashley’s still not over Bentley. Can you believe it?? I am SO surprised, because she’s only mentioned it like 55 times since Bentley left the show, so I wasn’t really clear on how she felt. She was being so brave and hiding it so well, you know?

Ashley tells Chris Harrison, that weasel, that she’s missing Bentley, and Chris Harrison pretends to be concerned while still managing not to tell Ashley that Bentley said that he’d rather swim in pee than be with her. Oh, Chris Harrison, so two-faced! You’re like the Janus of the ABC network.

Rose ceremony: Constantine gets the first rose. His sneaky strategy of never talking to Ashley but always being tall and handsome is paying off.

Question: Why does Lucas, the most boring rando on the show, get the second rose? I guess Ashley does have a soft spot for boring guys from Texas…

J.P. gets the third rose. I’m fine with that.

Ames gets the fourth (pity) rose. And, as my fiance rightly asks, “why is he wearing a pointy-lapeled three-piece suit?” Answer: to make sure we don’t forget that he is, in fact, a huge douche.

Mickey gets the next rose. Yawn.

FINAL ROSE! It goes to Ryan. Aw, looks like poor Personal Trainer Nick is going back to where he came from (Malibu circa 1993). As he leaves, he says “it’s hard to say goodbye to love.” Oh, Nick! Don’t worry, just go for a long rollerblade on the boardwalk with your walkman when you get home, maybe have a good cry, and you’ll feel better.

So, at the end of the night, Ashley tells the guys they are “moving FOE-ward” and going to Hong Kong. She says the word “forward” weird, right? Does she say any word NOT weird?

That’s all she wrote for this week. See you next time….

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