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B’ette 6 – or, the Bachpocalypse

Sorry for not blogging Bach’ette yesterday – I was too busy winning bar trivia (and a $100 bar tab, NBD), so… you know. Priorities. But I’m catching up now – and only one day late! Yay me!

This week, Ashley and her men are in Hong Kong, and Evil Bentley returns to play with Idiot Ashley’s emotions. I can’t wait!

Right out of the gate, Chris Harrison slinks out of the shadows to tell Ashley that Bentley is in Hong Kong and that she needs to go talk to him and ask him all of her burning questions. Ashley shows up at Bentley’s hotel room and he lets her in. She weirdly kisses him and then wipes off his mouth with her fingers. As one does. From there on out, the whole meeting consists of Bentley hemming and hawing and saying a whole bunch of nuthin’, while Ashley says a stream of stupid things like, “I was broken,” and “I believe in fate.” Finally, after Bentley tells her they are, indeed, over, Ashley becomes instantly empowered and walks out. And that’s it, she’s over it, guys! She’s such a strong, independent woman! Beyonce should write a song about her!

Next, Ashley goes on a one-on-one date with Boring Lucas in Kowloon. They go sailing and Lucas talks about his divorce in extremely vague terms. Sparks do not fly. But, given her penchant for boring Texans with shady pasts, Ashley cannot resist giving Lucas a rose and pecking him on the lips.  Emboldened, Lucas asks if he can kiss her, which is actually kind of charming, and they make out. Ashley says, “There’s something about his manlihood that makes me feel protected.” Hold up – his manlihood? Oh, Ashley. I can’t even. I just can’t.

Group date: obnoxious dragon boat race. Afterwards, some Chinese people get engaged in front of them, and Ashley takes it as an auspicious sign.

At the cocktail party, all the guys notice Ashley’s sudden burst of optimism. Things are going great! And it looks like she’s boozing it up, just like old times! You know Ashley’s in a good mood when she starts swilling green cocktails. And she sure is swilling tonight.

Meanwhile, Ames says that his relationship with Ashley feels “natural,” which is obviously a sad lie. To prove that he is Definitely Not Gay, Ames takes Ashley in an elevator and, pardon me, tongue rapes her. She seems underwhelmed.

After the Ames interlude, Ben takes Ashley out to a porch and makes out with her, and it’s pretty gross.

Meanwhile, all the guys are still ragging on Ryan. It’s sort of over the top. I mean, I get how he’s annoying, but the level of hatred towards him is a bit baffling. I mean, yeah, he’s fake and overly enthusiastic and makes goofy facial expressions, including playfully sticking out his tongue (barf!!!!!) but… actually… the more I describe him, the more I understand why they all hate them. I think I hate him, too.

Of course, Ashley gives him a rose.

Next, JP and Ashley go on a date. JP’s another one who I’d really like if he didn’t like Ashley.  But his enthusiasm for her is a real bummer for me. I just don’t get it. Either this guy is the greatest actor that ever lived and actually has some ulterior motive, or he is soft in the head. For example, while they eat dinner, JP tells her he thinks it’s “meant to be” between them. UGH! Really!? No, seriously, what’s wrong with him? Is he a murderer on the lam? Is he trying to get a green card? Is he secretly a goat wearing a zip-up human suit? I can’t think of any other plausible explanations for this.

Ashley asks JP about the last time he cried (which is a totally normal thing to ask someone you don’t know very well), and he says when he and his ex broke up, and tells her that his “only fear” is feeling that way again. Oh, puh-leeze. After that revelation, Ashley drops the F bomb: she says she’s “falling for” JP. Whooooa.

Given her feelings, Ashley knows she has no choice but to tell JP all about her Bentley ordeal. Ruh roh. JP is remarkably cool as Ashley tells him about her long-held obsession with Bentley, and how much “closure” she got from meeting with him. JP says simply, “Thank you for telling me, and I’m glad you got the closure you needed. And I appreciate your honesty.” Whaaa? Why isn’t he more mad? Ugh, JP, you’re too cool, and it makes me sick!

At the end of the date, they go to the top of some building and drink champagne and make out. Ew, enough with the making out! I’m so over it!

Later, JP admits in a confessional that he is “more attached than [he’s] ever been.” That’s troubling, isn’t it? As my fiance put it, “if some bowlegged dentist from the Maine woods who you’ve known for two days can make you form the strongest attachment you’ve ever felt, you have attachment problems.” Well said!

At the final cocktail party, Ashley tells the guys about Bentley, saying, “I completely fell for him.” Ugh. This is so, so bad. She’s soooo stupid. SOOO STUPID. Shockingly, the guys are not pleased to hear Ashley’s “important” revelation, and they tell her so, and she gets upset.

Ryan steps into the void to try to “comfort” Ashley, telling her that he “get[s] it,” while also managing to inform her that all the other guys are pissed. Sneaky sneaky.

Blake, meanwhile, lets it all hang out, telling Ashley he thinks that she “could care less” about him. Ashley responds, “Do you really think I could care less?” (Note to self: dentists suck at grammar). Then Ashley starts bawling and Blake smirks his way through it, perfunctorily patting her on the back as she cries. But his smirk says it all: he’s pissed.

Mickey then sits Ashley down and tells her that he feels lied to, and is questioning why he’s even there. He tells her to send him home, because if she’s interested in Bentley, then she’s not the right girl for him. And then, amazingly, he leaves. In a boat. Whoa! Go Mickey! Respect. Seriously.

Ashley comes back to the other men and bawls her way through the rose ceremony. I don’t feel even a little bit sorry for her. I don’t feel sorry for the guys, either. Whatever. It’s hard for me to drum up even an iota of emotion for these people. Who gives?

Rose ceremony – she has three roses to give, and they go to: 1) Ben, 2) Constantine, and…. 3) …….

………. (suspenseful, vaguely Asian string music)

………. (even more suspenseful, vaguely Asian string music)

……… (dramatic Asian flutes!!!)

AMES!

Blake smirks in disappointment.

He is junkboated off into the distance. I think, officially, it goes: pensive limo ride < pensive raft ride < pensive junkboat ride, in terms of pensiveness.

That’s it for this week. Next week is 4th of July so I’ll be back in a couple of weeks!

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