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B’ette Takes Taiwan

The gang is in Taipei this week.  Guess the producers didn’t want to spring for Macau? Just kidding, Taiwan – you seem pretty awesome!

First, Constantine and Ashley take a steam train into a town near Taipei for their date. Roooommaaaanttiiiiiic! She notes in a confessional that their “relationship” is moving slower than her other “relationships,” but she sees “something there” and wants to see what happens. Pretty sure the “something there” she sees is Constantine’s face and body. Just a guess.

At dinner, Ashley tells Constantine that she likes him, essentially because he is hot. Oh, and because he makes little to no effort. She asks him if he thinks their relationship could work. He replies that he would be willing to make their presently non-existent relationship work if, hypothetically, he were to be in love at some point in the future.  That’s encouraging.

Constantine and Ashley write a “love wish” on a lantern and send it into the sky as monumental music soars and they halfheartedly kiss. At the end, Ashley utters a rare double “perf-echt.”

Time for Ben’s date, in which they ride a moped around a park. As they are climbing onto the moped, Ben makes a Dumb & Dumber joke, which was probably lost on Ashley, who seems like the type of girl who doesn’t know who Jeff Daniels is. They go to dinner and Ben horribly, painfully, slowly, bumblingly tries to tell Ashley he loves her (WHAT?!) and it makes my skin crawl. Then they kiss, and ewwww, I can’t even deal.

To make matters even grosser, Ben stays overnight with Ashley (but they don’t share a room, thank heavens) and all the other guys freak. JP freaks out the most. The ratio of JP being cute : JP bitching, by the way, is falling rapidly.

Next up is a group date where JP, Ames and Lucas go take fake, tacky Asian wedding pictures with Ashley. Lucas gets to wear some sort of traditional Taiwanese gold robe, Ames gets stuck in a powder blue, sparkly-lapeled leisure suit with feathers, and JP somehow gets a slick looking tuxedo. Too bad JP acts like a whiny poop during the photo shoot and seemingly blows his large costume-based advantage.

At the cocktail party, Lucas whines about having to wear a “dress” at the photo shoot, and says he felt “foolish.” Oh, get over yourself, Lucas. After that, Ames actually seems pretty attractive in comparison. I know I’ve been harsh on Ames for being a douche, and he definitely is a big douche, but at least he’s not a whiner. There are very few things less attractive than a whiny man, am I right, ladies? And wow, JP’s whining is off the charts this episode. And yet…and yet. For all of his whiny-babyness, Ashley rewards him with a rose. Sigh.

Ooh, time for Ryan’s date. This should be horrible.

They go to a temple, despite the fact that Ashley is wearing a slutty outfit, and Ryan says a bunch of phony baloney about how moved he is seeing people praying “with all their souls.” Then he proceeds to explain tai chi to Ashley, obviously making all of it up as he goes along. Then, as they are sitting there watching people practice tai chi, he kinda chokes up while he’s telling Ashley how “amazing” it’s been to get to know her. This is even more terrible than I anticipated!

Later, they go to eat and Ryan asks Ashley how she feels about The Environment, which is his big thing, since he is a “solar executive,” whatever that means (is his office on the sun?). She basically says that she’s not really into that whole thing, but she “appreciates” it, or whatever, and Ryan starts talking about – wait for it – water heaters. Ashley doesn’t even try to hide how bored she is, and she even makes some weird, sour faces while he’s droning on about water tanks and his family and other stupid things. At that point, Ashley abruptly cuts him loose, telling him she’s not into him, and he looks like someone just performed a caesarian section on him with no anesthestic. He says, “You don’t want to meet my family?” in the same tone of voice in which one would say, “You raped, murdered, and then ate my family?” She says, “I’m just not feeling it.” And, it is done. Ryan walks slowly off into the distance, blubbering, before hailing a cab – whoa, he doesn’t even get a pensive junk boat ride? Harsh.

Rose ceremony time. Ashley decides to skip the cocktail party and goes straight to the juicy part. She knows what she must do. Lucas gets the axe, which I am pretty happy about, since he was being a whiner earlier and is generally boring. Lucas actually handles the whole thing pretty gracefully. Good for you, Lucas! You go back to your Texas oil fields and find yourself a nice stripper to marry.

That’s it for tonight. See you all for hometown dates!

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  1. * Margie Early says:

    I am literally laughing my face off!

    | Reply Posted 6 years, 2 months ago


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