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B’ette – Hometown Glory

So many apologies for blogging the Bach’ette late this week, friends. I had a late night at work Monday and a late work event last night, and it’s so weird how bosses don’t seem to care about the demands of my reality TV blog, you know? Anyway. This week’s episode should be interesting – it’s the one where Ashley goes to meet the last four guys’ families. Here we go…

….

First scene: Ashley wakes up in her apartment in Philly, drinks an unidentified dark liquid (most likely red wine) out of a coffee mug, and ponders the great adventure ahead of her. Then she hails a cab and she’s off.

Constantine

Ashley’s first stop: the unfortunately named Cumming, Georgia, hometown of Constantine The Handsome. C and A sit on a park bench and Constantine gives a sort of awkward speech about how all of his friends and family were positive he’d bring home whatever girl he met on the reality show, but how he doubted himself, but now he’s showing them by bringing home the girl off the reality show! The speech is a weird mix of self-congratulatory yet insulting in its suggestion that all potential Bachelorettes are interchangeable and Constantine would have bagged any of them. But actually, let’s be real – Constantine probably would have been in the top four for any given Bachelorette. I mean… that hair!

They go to Giorgio’s, the Italian restaurant that Constantine’s (Greek) parents own. [Side note: as a 1/4 Italian-American, I feel compelled to say something to Greek people on behalf of my (1/4) culture. Greek people: feta cheese does not go on pizza. Not acceptable. Please take note and adjust behavior accordingly. Thanks.] C and A “playfully” make a pizza and liberally sprinkle – yes – feta on it and then make a feta-ful salad while Constantine lobs disingenuous compliments at Ashley.

Then they go to meet Constantine’s gregarious, attractive family, who lay the Big Fat Greek Family thing on prettttty thick.  Constantine’s mom Elleni almost ruins the effect with her Southern drawl, but Dad has an authentic Greek accent, so… save.

Okay, time for the parents to question Ashley! Elleni, strong out of the gate, makes the obvious point that it’s easy to fall in love when you’re being jetted around the world going to luxury resorts and drinking wine 24 hours a day. Yes, thank you Elleni!  But then she folds and goes super easy on Ashley, apparently won over. Disappointing. I was hoping for an old country/Southern belle style smack-down.  Ah well. The night ends with a really forced Big Fat Greek Party where people “spontaneously” break into a circle dance and inexplicably toss dollars in the air.

Ames

Next it’s off to the even more bizarrely named Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania, hometown of Ames, who, it must be said, runs like a girl.

Ames brings Ashley to meet his family, who are all extremely white.  I mean, I knew they’d be white, but wow – they are WHITE. Ames’ very white sister asks Ashley what her true feelings are for Ames, and Ashley tells her that their relationship is moving way slower than the other relationships she’s in. Which is just what every sister wants to hear, of course. But after Ashley butters her up a little bit, the sister relaxes and tells her how “romantic” Ames is, and how he’s always in great shape!  What a catch!

Later, Ashley also tells Ames’ mom that her relationship with Ames is moving slower than all of the many other relationships she has with other men, and Ames’ mom is like, “Oh, that’s okay…” What? How is that okay? Get with it, Mom.

Ames takes Ashley on a romantic walk into a magnolia grove that he just happens to know about. Oh, Ames. Please just come out of the closet already and do us all a favor.

They sit under a magnolia tree and drink wine and Ames tells her how he was unpopular at boarding school. Sad. Ashley gives him a pity peck and Ames says that he feels as if “time is standing still under this magnolia tree” and that he is falling in love with Ashley. Oy.

Ben

Now we are off to Sonoma, California, which is the legitimately awesome hometown of Ben. He immediately takes Ashley to his winery and they drink wine out of a barrel. Then they go to meet Ben’s mom and sister (since Dad is Dead, remember?). No pressure, but it’s “of the utmost importance” that Ashley get along with Ben’s family and he’d be “completely devastated” if they didn’t get along. But yeah, no pressure.

They have dinner, and Ben’s sister points out that she signed Ben up for the B’ette, BUT she is super protective of him. So watch out, Ashley. While Ben’s mom is showing Ashley adorable baby pics, Ben and his sister have a heart-to-heart. There is much talk of Ben “expressing [his] feelings” and “opening up.” Ugh, bluh. I kinda tune out when Ben is crying and getting all emotional, not because I don’t sympathize with him losing his dad, because that is clearly a very sad thing, but more because I don’t understand his deep emotional response to “dating” Ashley. I mean, shouldn’t this important moment of emotional catharsis be saved for a woman who’s not completely terrible?

Saddest quote of the night: “This is more real than it’s ever been.” Oh, Ben. THIS is the realest relationship you’ve ever had? Unless you went to California University with the gang from Saved By The Bell: The College Years, I’m pretty sure this is the least real experience you’ll ever have in your life.

JP

Finally, we arrive in Roslyn, New York, hometown of JP! Ashley and JP go to a roller rink for their date. It’s apparent right off the bat that Ashley is REALLY into JP. Dang, girlfriend can’t keep her hands off of him. And she keeps saying how “cuuuute” he is while kissing and nuzzling him. It’s pretty gross. They hold hands (“hends,” in Ashleyspeak) and skate around listening to cheezy disco music. It actually looks kinda fun.

After some light skating and heavy making out, they sit down to drink — wait for it — wine, and JP whines and whines about how his last girlfriend hurt him. “She was mean and she hurt me.” Waaaah. Seriously, JP, I’ve had it up to here with your bellyaching. You’re 34! Get over it already!

JP takes her home to meet the fam and they all individually echo JP’s fear about the possibility of his “getting hurt again.” JP’s mom, who seems pretty awesome, expresses some concern to JP but treads lightly, I guess because they edited out the part where she was like, “What the hell are you thinking? Are you seriously gonna marry some shiksa you met off a reality show? Let me set you up with a nice Jewish girl from the temple – Mrs. Greenberg’s daughter is a dentist, too, and she isn’t bowlegged!”

JP’s mom also asks Ashley some “tough” questions about how Ashley is able to pick among “so many men.” Ooh, I love the passive aggressiveness! But then, Ashley tells JP’s mom that she and JP have “something special,” and boom, Mom’s won over. Well, that was easy.

Rose ceremony

Our magical journey ends in Los Angeles, at the fabulous Bachelor manse, where Ashley will make a “tough” decision on who to send home. Hint: his name rhymes with “Games.”

Ben gets the first rose! Even though he made a crucial misstep and parted his hair in the middle tonight (possibly to differentiate himself from Constantine? But no, Ben, don’t do that again).

Next: JP. Duh.

Final rose goes to…. Constantine. Ames looks dazed. Aw, I actually do feel bad for him. For all the making fun of him that I’ve done, he actually seems like a nice guy. But now he gets to go back to Chadds Ford, PA and hopefully find a nice man to date.

During their final goodbye, Ames tells Ashley that the whole experience was so “poetic” and then they shake hands and Ashley walks him out. Wait, really? A handshake?! That’s all Ames gets after going to the hospital with a concussion for you, Ashley? Wow. At least he gets a pensive limo ride and doesn’t have to hail a taxi like Ryan did last week. At least there’s that.

K, that’s it for tonight. Next week is gonna be AWESOME! I can’t wait for Ashley’s tatted up sister to give her what-for!  Speaking of Ashley’s sister, did you know she’s going to appear on an episode of TLC’s Extreme Couponing? It’s true, as per the Bangor Daily News: http://bangordailynews.com/2011/03/22/living/madawaska-native-takes-couponing-to-the-extreme/?ref=latest

 

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