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B’ette – Fiji My Niji

Arrrre yooouuu reeeadyyy to rummmbllleeee? I am! And I’m actually live bloggin’ this bizz tonight!

Tonight: intrigue in Fiji, which is a very “lawsh” island, according to Ashley.  Let’s see what happens on this verdant and lawsh island paradise, shall we?

{Boring recap of Ashley’s “journey” so far. To sum up: Ben is “sincere.” Constantine is “hot” yet “mature.” JP is also “sincere.”}

After the boring recap, this episode starts right off with a bang – Ryan returns!  Well, he doesn’t really return so much as he flies halfway around the world after being kicked off the show to “surprise Ashley,” while walking slowly toward her bungalow like a serial killer.

He wants to make sure that Ashley isn’t “regretting” her decision to send him home and wants to see if there is “love to be had.” Oh, I really hope not.  No one wants to see that.

Making all of us very uncomfortable, Ryan gets choked up and tells Ashley he doesn’t feel like he had a “full chance,” and says he wants to spend more time with her “so bad.” Long awk silence ensues. Then he gives her the name of his hotel and tells her to call him. He practically makes that sad “phone” hand motion when he says it. You know, the one with your thumb and pinky as the ends of the receiver? He was pretty much doing that, without actually doing that. (“Call me?”)

But no time to worry about Ry-Ry now – it’s time for Ben’s date! He shows up wearing a blinding orange t-shirt that matches Ashley’s binding orange bikini, and they board a yacht (or some other kind of giant rich person boat) and go out to booze it up on the water. (My kinda date!)

Ashley, predictably, gets boozed up, straddles Ben and lathers him up with sunscreen, and then says in a confessional that there is a lot of “excitement” going on. I am officially grossed out.

At dinner that night, Ben trades his day-glo orange shirt for a very short white shirt (why is it so short??) and he and Ashley walk slowly towards their table, which is set up in the middle of a secluded beach, while swinging their hands in an unnatural way. Ben says it feels “effortless.” It looks effortful.

But, oh, big news! Ben is going to announce to Ashley that he loves her tonight! Awesome decision!!! Right?? But although Ben keeps trying to kinda tell Ashley he loves her, he seems to be having trouble getting the words out and – oh, noooo! – slips into the dreaded Zach Braff voice. You know what voice I’m talking about. Grown up men should never be allowed to use it. Ever.

After much hemming and Braffing, Ben finally says he is “on [his] way to the whole ‘I love you’ thing,” and kisses Ashley. Wait, does that count as telling a person you love her? If you say you’re “on your way” to saying some phrase you’re going to eventually say?

Apparently, yes. That lame proclamation was enough to get Ashley to dole out that most prized of Bachelor(ette) boons, the Fantasy Suite Card. You Bachelor(ette) fans all must know how it goes by now: “If you should choose to forego your individual rooms….” And it’s signed personally by Chris Harrison!* Oh, Chris Harrison! As if such a bald proposition for casual, semi-televised sex is made less disgusting by phrasing it in really stilted legalese. Nice try, though!

Of course, Ben accepts the FS card, and as he and Ashley are floating in a huge pool at their private bungalow, says that he wants his relationship with her to “feel like today all the time.” Oh, but guess what, Ben? After this, you won’t be living in Fiji in a bungalow with a giant pool in it, spending your days yachting around islands drinking alcohol out of a big pineapple and scuba diving, probably. But, yeah, your whole relationship will probably feel like that one day, even so. Seems like a reasonable thing to bank on.

Okay, enough of that. Time for Constantine’s date, which involves helicoptering over Fiji, as soaring music plays….

…. Aaaaand, as the helicopter flies overhead, the camera pans down and we see lonely Ryan standing on an abandoned beach, staring forlornly above him at the Love Chopper. Apparently, Ryan has been waiting for “several days” for Ashley to contact him – long enough for him to grow an off-putting beard. Has he been standing on that beach the whole time? Go shave!

Constantine and Ashley’s date involves an old Bachelor trope: jumping off a high thing into deep water, then triumphantly swimming towards each other and making out. Except, actually, there seems to be little to no making out going on. Which makes me kinda think that maybe Constantine is not that into her. Which makes me think he might be okay, after all. Dumb, certainly, and boring. But okay.

Ashley notices this, too, and gives Constantine a bit of a come-to-Jesus talk as they are toweling off and tells him that she hopes things “take off today and tonight.” Hint hint.

Dinner that night is at a table set up under a flowery gazebo. At dinner, Ashley gets down to bidness and asks Constantine if it’s weird for him and Ben, his friend, to both date her. He gives an answer that is essentially: “if Ben falls in love with you, that’s cool.” Ashley seems unsatisfied and asks him if he is ever “consumed by emotion,” and he says yes, but Ashley remains unconvinced, telling him that she doesn’t feel like he wants to hold her hand but that hopefully “tonight we can figure it out.” Oh, the desperate innuendo! Ashley, if he doesn’t want to hold your hand now, what good is banging him in a bungalow gonna do? C’mon. Let’s think with our heads for once.

Constantine says he has too much respect for her, himself, his family, and her family (and my family, and your family, and Chris Harrison’s family) to go forward (or even “foe-ward”) with the relationship until he feels “it.” He says that if he got to this point and was not in love, he would not accept the FS card. Whoa! What? An honorable man? What is the meaning of this?!

— UGH, broadcast interrupted by a Presidential address: “Countdown to Crisis.” Does it make me a horrible, ignorant American that I am pissed that ABC is interrupting the Bachelorette to broadcast this important message about the debt crisis? That’s it, I’m moving to Fiji.

*Counter-signed by Satan. Witnessed by Rupert Murdoch. Notarized by Casey Anthony.

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Comments

  1. “lawsh” = best transliteration from Ashleyan to English I’ve seen in a long time.

    also props for the notarization/canthony reference… hilarious.

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 10 months ago


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