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B’ette – El Final

Season finale of B’ette, y’alllllll! Basically, since I already know that stupid JP is gonna win this shizz, I really just want to see Ashley’s tatted-up sister Chrissy stir up trouble. Love that lady.

Sooo, first, Ashley brings JP to meet her family and everyone acts all nicey-nicey until the meal and Chrissy asks softball questions like, “Does JP make you laugh, Ashley?” Ashley’s answer, and I’m paraphrasing only slightly here, is “no… I think I’m funnier than you.” Wow. Ashley’s funnier than JP? And I thought Ben had no personality. Yeesh.

Once JP takes off, Chrissy tells Ash that she doesn’t think JP is The One, and her mom comments that Ashley seems “okay” with JP but not as good as she was with Brad. Oh, dear. Then, piling on, Chrissy says she thinks that Ashley is “too much” for JP (because he is boring and old) and Ashley starts boo-hooing. But Chrissy sticks to her guns and then Ashley admits that she has been having second thoughts. Ruh roh.

Tatty Chrissy then sits down JP and they have a heart-to-heart where she tells JP that she doesn’t see “it.” JP lamely tries to defend their “relationship” by saying that he smiles a lot when he’s with Ashley. Oh, okay, that proves it. They should definitely get married. But Tatty Chrissy does not ease up, asking if JP can break out of his set, old ways and have “fun” with Ashley. In other words: JP, you’re old. And weird. And oh, JP is pissed! Later, JP and Ash have a tense convo about what’s going on. Oh, tension.

Now Ben is about to come over but Ashley needs to talk to her sis first. Mainly she just needs to tell her she’s being a b***h. They kinda snap back and forth at each other and they both cry. But really, Chrissy is the tattooed voice of reason throughout this whole thing, pointing out that Ashley’s gut feelings of being “in love” are, um, not great.

Meanwhile, back on Vomo Island, it’s time for Ben to meet the fam. Chrissy asks Ben about their first date and he says, hilariously, that they first “noticed each other” on the group date at the orphanage. Prior to that, Ben knew he was in Thailand but he wasn’t quite sure why. Then, a week or so in, he noticed Ashley, and he was like, “ohhhhh.”

Anyway, it’s apparent that the fam clearly likes Ben better than JP. I guess I agree with them, all things considered. But as my cousin says, it’s really like picking the tallest midget with these two.*

A really terrible sequence ensues where Ben and Ashley talk in screechy “dog voices” to an imaginary dog, and it’s just awful. It finally ends, thankfully, and Tatty Chrissy sweeps Ben off to give him the third degree. He tells her that he loves Ashley and that he is ready to propose to her. This whole exchange makes my awkward bone hurt. Ben, no. Just no. No.

Chrissy loves Ben and concludes that he and Ashley have a connection and “shared passion,” whatever the hell that means. Ben confidently predicts that the next time he sees these people, he’ll be engaged to Ashley. Right, which will be at never o’clock on this day next year.

I can’t even write about the gross date that Ben and Ashley have where they, in Ben’s words, “lube each other up with mud.” He also uses the word “erotic.” Vom.

It gets even vommier on their date later when Ben decides to tell Ashley he loves her. Which seems like a bad idea since she’s totes about to reject him hardcore. They drink some wine and there is the kind of long, awk silence that hurts to listen to. Oh, the awkwardness!!! He bumbles around until finally he says that he is in love with her. She smiles and pecks him but doesn’t say it back. Ouch. They make out and Ben says that they are “just two kids in love.” Except it’s actually just one kid in love. He also says that her kiss was her way of telling him that she loves him. Except her kiss was actually not that.

JP and Ashley’s last date is boring and I sorta drift in and out while going on facebook. But I tune back in when JP says that he is “madly in love” with her. She does that thing where she smiles and kisses him but doesn’t say anything back. JP wrote her a kind of generic love note, which she reads out loud. Sigh. This is boring because Ashley has made it so clear that she likes JP the best. Where’s the mystery? I mean, yawn.

I fast-forwarded over the part where Ashley looks back over her time with the guys because, you know, who cares. I stopped at the part where they show the dudes getting ready in the hopes that the gratuitous shirtless shots would be somewhat interesting, but, meh, lackluster. Anyway. Ben says “today is the day I propose to Ashley.” Oh, Ben. Poor, naive, stupid Ben. Then he goes and looks at gaudy Neil Lane rings and Neil Lane himself pretends to be interested in Ben’s boring story about his feelings. Ben ends up choosing a ring that is not so much gaudy as tacky and hideous, and says he is “ecstatic” to give it to Ashley.

JP goes to talk to Neil Lane and pores over some ugly, chunky rings until finally picking an ugly, chunky one. I know I am a bit spoiled because I have the most gorgeous engagement ring in the world, but I feel confident in saying that both of these rings are objectively gross. JP’s is slightly less gross. But only slightly.

Ashley puts on an off-white dress that is a *tad* too bridal for my comfort level and awaits the arrival of her two suitors, one of which (Ben) she is going to reject brutally and humiliate. Ooh, I’m getting butterflies!

First off the seaplane is Ben, and he is greeted on the beach by Chris Harrison.  Ben says a buncha b.s. about how this is a “fairy tale” and how he’s found the woman of his dreams and – nooooo! – how his Dead Dad would be proud of him. Stop it, Ben! You’re making me actually feel sorry for you!

Ben says to Ashley that every second he spends with her makes him fall deeper in love with her, and thanks her for letting him feel vulnerable and open. Um, Ashley – now’s your chance to tell him that you don’t feel the same way and stop him from embarrassing himself. But no, she lets him get down onto one knee and ask her to marry him. Whaaat?! Ashley. Come on. Then she pulls him to his feet and he looks sad and his hair looks sad and it’s just sad.

Ben gets pissed and walks off and she goes after him and she says that she wants to “talk things through” with him. He is clearly angry. Which is legit. She makes it worse by saying stuff that is not helpful, like how interesting and smart he is, and he cuts her off. She says that she never thought they’d leave on “terms like this” and he tells her it’s impossible to leave “something like this” on good terms. He says “good things don’t end unless they end badly,” which is stoops. Then he says in a really bitter voice that JP is a great guy and he’s sure they’ll have “a nice life together.” Dang. And that’s that: Ben gets a pensive boat ride back to shore in his suit. He says, “I thought I was in love but maybe I was wrong about that, too.” First smart thing you’ve said all day, Ben.

Meanwhile, Ashley feels “awful” about cutting Ben loose, but the show must go on!  JP blabs on about how he’s still “afraid” of getting his heart broken. Then, um, don’t propose? Just a thought. There is much talk of taking a “leap of faith,” which is my new most hated phrase. Then JP gets on his knee and gives Ashley that ugly old ring and she says yes and that’s it. They must have re-shot this sequence a bunch of times because they seem very calm and collected. And I feel like that’s not normal for getting engaged. But then again I’ve never dated anyone on TV, so what do I know?

And that’s it. Should I stay up and watch After the Final Rose? I’m kinda torn…

* Apologies to all little people who may be reading this.

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