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It’s a Joysey thing

It’s been a while since I’ve written about Jersey Shore or Real Housewives of New Jersey because, as a proud 1/4 Italian American, I was sick of 25% of my heritage being routinely shamed by tacky, orange a-holes.  But recently, despite myself, I watched both JS and RHONJ, so I might as well write about it and spare you good people the trouble of watching.

Jersey Shore

This season of Jersey Shore, in one fell swoop, went from being a fascinating anthropological study of idiots in their natural habitat to a horrendous national embarrassment.  The very second MTV shipped these morons off to another country, the terrorists won. This week, seeing Snooki screeching like a banchee as she crouched, Gollum-like, over her giant, broken bottle of Chianti in the streets of Florence, I really wished there were some sort of legal procedure whereby a country could divorce itself from its most terrible citizens. Wouldn’t it be nice if Obama could sign something wherein he declares Snooki a persona non grata on behalf of the United States and ejects her from the country permanently?  Maybe she could live in that country that’s actually just a British oil platform in the middle of the ocean. They’d take her, right?

"Snooki want smush-smush!"

Anyway. I can’t even force myself to recap what happened on Jersey Shore this week, except to say that it involved everyone acting like Grade A jackasses and confirming for legions of hostile Italians what they already thought about Americans: that we’re awful.  It was mostly Snooki’s fault — like when, during an extremely poorly conceived wine tasting excursion in the Italian countryside, she lay down on top of a couple of wine barrels and “slept” while the winemaker tried to tell her about his wines.  I wanted to reach into the TV and smack her upside her bouffanted head and yell, “GO BACK TO JERSEY and stop effing up international travel for the rest of us, you twat!”

No, seriously though, the Jersey Shore kids are the worst. I am pretty sure Mike Sorrentino is actually a sociopath and Snooki is actually an alcoholic. But the thing is, I’m past caring. And that, my friends, is the reason why this show needs to go away – the sociopathy, alcoholism, and assorted personality disorders that MTV has gathered together under the Florentine sun are no longer even interesting.  You know what would spice this season up? Cast Amanda Knox as the ninth roommate and wait until one of them pisses her off. I’d watch that.

RHONJ

Not much to say about these biddies except that I hate pretty much everyone on the show, except for Kathy and Caroline, I guess. But Caroline irks me a little bit. Her homespun Italian wisdom is actually not wise at all and is just a bunch of trite platitudes strung together. And no one seems to notice this. (“Caroline is so wise!” “Let’s give her a radio show!”) But whatever, at least she’s not Teresa.

Oh, and can we talk aout how Melissa didn’t know the name of the Vice President of the United States?  I mean… I know that a lot of people in our country are ignorant and uninformed about politics (and much else), but why do so many of them have TV shows?

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