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Blogging Bachelor Ben! (Part 1)

Hi y’all – as promised, I’m blogging the Bachelor again and I’m even doing it live tonight!

This week the Bach gang is in Park City, Utah (*cue stock footage of helicopter rising over mountain*). Given that the Bachelor is America’s favorite polygamous dating show, this whole Utah thing makes sense. Oh yeah — I went there.

It’s so nice of Ben to bring the women to Park City so that they can “experience the outdoors,” since he rescued them all from that underground bimbo dungeon.

First date goes to Rachel, who is quite modelesque but kind of tomboy-ish and awkward. Kacie B. takes the news of Rachel’s date hard and gets all weepy. Oh, Kacie B. I like you and I sense that this creepy, televised fight-to-the-death-for-fake-love is not for you. Kacie B. goes on and on about how bummed out she is to see Ben with another lady, which, hello, is a normal reaction to the realization that one is merely one-thirteenth of a harem. It doesn’t seem to occur to Kacie B. that watching the man you’re “falling for” arrive in a helicopter to pick up another woman for a date is not actually a normal or necessary part of life. Sigh.

Rachel’s date involves helicoptering (of course) to a lake and then taking a canoe out into the middle of it. Rachel and Ben keep saying how “nice” and “romantic” it is as they sit knee-to-knee in the canoe but don’t seem to have anything else to say. Desperate to break the silence, they make out and make weird sighing noises. Later, they sit on a rocky beach and drink champagne and continue to chat about nothing. I shouldn’t say nothing — to be fair, they have a lengthy discussion about how the sun in your eyes makes you squint. Then they revert to discussing the weather, which is, they both agree, “nice.” Then Ben points out a beaver dam, and Rachel says, “oh, yeah.”

Dinner is at some sort of haunted lodge in the woods. Their conversation dwindles even further because now they’re inside and so cannot comment on the sun and its effect on one’s eyes. Ben, no great conversationalist himself, tries to get the silent Rachel to say more than two words but she doesn’t take the bait, and it’s getting kinda weird, especially since she says in a voiceover that she’s “falling for Ben.” Those great conversations about the niceness of the weather and the existence of beaver dams must have really sealed the deal for her. Rachel tells Ben she’s willing to “open up” and “take a chance” because she wants to get to know him better, and Ben, to my shock, agrees that yes, they have a “nice little vibe going.” They do? If this is what their first date is like, I think it’s safe to say that they will definitely be that couple at Red Lobster who silently stuff Cheddar Bay biscuits into their gullets while staring past each other.

Also, GRAMMAR ALERT: if I had a nickel for every time one of these morons said “me and Ben’s relationship” or “Ben and I’s relationship,” I would have quite a few nickels. Quite a few, indeed.

Group date time! Ben rides around on a horse and talks about his “country side.” I can’t take any part of this seriously. Ben looks like kind of a dinkus on a horse, but the girls are all super impressed, especially Lindzi, the Horse Girl from Episode 1. Nicki is also impressed: Ben takes the ladies on a horse ride through the mountains and Nicki waxes rhapsodical about his hair blowing in the breeze, like a “prince.” Oh, brother.

Step two of the group date is fly fishing. The girls valiantly cheer and pretend to be excited about the fact that their date involves wearing waders and standing still in water for an hour. Courtney says a bunch of crap about how she can catch fish and men (what is she, Jesus?) and then watches stonily as Ben helps Kacie B. with her wrist positioning. I have to say, I know they edit this show to make people seem like villains and whores and whatever, but Courtney is awful. She has this perpetual sneer on her stupid, sneery face. I hate her stupid guts.

Courtney’s nefarious attempt to steal Ben away for herself is interrupted by Lindzi, who claims to be “outdoorsy.” But before Lindzi can prove how outdoorsy she is, Courtney catches a fish and breaks out an awful baby voice to celebrate. My fiance, who is sitting nearby doing work as I type this, looks up from his paperwork to comment that Courtney is a “horrid little being.” Yep.

During the post-date cocktail party, Ben spends some alone-time with Casey S., who seems boring but is pretty. Nicki busts in and thanks Ben for bringing her on dates and then tells him a story about her boss dying. Huh?! Is this her way of trying to bond with Ben over his Dead Dad story with her Dead Boss story? If so, Ben one-ups her real good: he lost a GOOD FRIEND two days before the show. So there, Nicki. Dead Dad + Dead Friend >> Dead Boss any day of the week. But the Dead Boss story did get Ben to kiss her, so it paid off for old Nicky.

Next, in an unexpected twist, Samantha, who looks kind of like Paris Hilton but without the dead eyes, confronts Ben about what it means that she’s been on three group dates. I know she’s saying something but her voice is so grating and helium-y that I can’t concentrate on it. Something about feeling frustrated… hang on, Ben is saying that on all of the group dates Samantha’s been on, she has been “highly emotional” and that he doesn’t know if she can “hang” and that he questions whether she is even here for him or if she is taking this whole thing “serious”(ly). Whoa! Then he kicks her to the curb brutally and sends her home! Ka-pow! But wait, what? Huh??

Why is Ben being such a baby? He just got pissed off that Samantha had the gall to ask why she hadn’t gotten a one-on-one date and he way overreacted. Ew, Ben. I mean, yes, Samantha has a terrible voice but it says a lot more about Ben that he’d punish her so severely just for questioning his decisions. What a dickhead! Up to this point, I thought Ben was sort of a benign dud but now I think he’s a whiny douchenozzle who takes himself far too seriously.

After sending away a tearful Samantha, Ben tells the other girls that he didn’t see anything with Samantha and reiterates how “serious” he takes this show. GRAMMAR ALERT 2: it’s SERIOUSLY, Ben. LEARN ENGLISH (seriously).

Ben takes Kacie B. on a walk to his room and she tells him how hard it is, this being part of a harem thing. He says “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which everyone knows means, “you’re being annoying by expressing your feelings, shut up now.” What sucks is that all the girls are scared of him now that he’s sent Samantha home for questioning him so they’re all going to kiss his ass even more than they were doing already. Meanwhile, Ben tells Kacie B. that he wanted to kiss her “so bad” today in the river but didn’t because all the other women were glaring at him and he wants everyone to get along. What a weenie! Why does Kacie B. like this guy again??

Make-out sesh ensues with Kacie B. and Ben calls her “wonderful.” This galls the Evil Courtney, who swoops in, busts out full-force baby voice and makes out with Ben while wearing her skimpy bathing suit. After some strategic kissing, she tells him that she’s having a hard time and that she’s “lost sight of everything.” Rather than sending her home immediately, Samantha-style, Ben says he has feelings for her and that hasn’t changed. She does a lot of weird mouth contortions and the next thing you know, Ben grabs the group-date rose and gives it to her. It’s official: Ben is the dumbest man on Earth.

Stay tuned for Part 2…

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