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Blogging Bachelor Ben (Part 2)

We’re back in Park City for part 2 of the Bachelor! Jennifer, the sweet redhead, gets the next date with Ben. They do some weird thing involving rapelling into a crater or something? I dunno, I’m bored by it and am going on Facebook instead until it’s over. I mean, we all know it’s going to end with them falling into a thing of water and then swimming towards each other and making out as soaring music plays. Aaaand, right on cue, Ben and Jennifer land in the water and kiss each other, but it’s kinda blah. I don’t see this happening for poor Jennifer, I just don’t. She’s too sweet and mild. They eat dinner by a campfire and Ben asks her about her relationship history, which seems to be the one first-date conversation starter he has in his repertoire and is, in fact, the one thing you’re never supposed to actually talk about on a first date. Jennifer tells Ben that her last relationship ended because the guy wouldn’t marry her, so she walked away. Kudos to her — I guess she figured, maybe that guy wouldn’t marry me, but that dork on TV probably will.

Ben asks her if she’s ready to handle his “crazy” lifestyle, which involves, you know, making wine. Yeah, Jennifer, can you handle that? Can you handle Ben making WINE? It’s a CRAZY life so buckle up, sister! She says yes, she can handle it, and gets a rose, despite a weird disclaimer from Ben about how he wasn’t sure he saw any future for them but now he does. Is he negging her? I hate this guy.

Ben and Jennifer end their date dancing at some generic country star’s concert, surrounded by random girls trying to shoulder their way into view of the camera. Awks.

Meanwhile, the girls talk shizz about Courtney, which is satisfying. Emily, who is inexplicably letting Boobly do her hair in foils, seems very worried and is considering telling Ben about Courtney’s true colors, I guess because she is laboring under the delusion that Ben is smart enough to listen.

Time for the final cocktail party… Emily has decided she is going to tell Ben that Courtney is bad news, and she does, in a round-about sort of way (“a certain person is evil and you gave her a rose”). Ben tells her, “You’re going to go crazy if you try to read into this.” Right. Wait. What does that mean? Emily looks confused and nods. Ben warns her that if she lets worrying about Courtney “consume” her, it will lead to her “demise.” Uh, does Ben know what the word “demise” means? Because it kinda just sounded like he was threatening to kill her. After that supremely uncomf convo, Ben and Emily share a stiff hug and he seems put off. So basically, what we’re learning here is that Ben doesn’t like anyone questioning his judgment, ever. That’s an attractive quality!

Emily whines some more about Courtney and Casey S. stands up for Courtney, which ticks Emily off. Then Casey S. tattles to Courtney what Emily said! So Casey sucks. But Courtney sucks more. Upon hearing that Emily thinks she is mean, she says she wants to “verbally assault” Emily and shave her eyebrows off. The specificity of that threat is disturbing, no? Courtney then gets into a weird stare-down with Emily, who crumbles like a cookie. The confrontation between them takes place in front of a room full of people and it makes me feel weird. And as much as I dislike Courtney, I want to smack Emily upside the head when she cries afterwards about “really lik[ing]” Ben. I actually yelled at the TV, “Why do you like him? He’s a DOUCHE!” Because he is. He just is. Come on, Emily – you’re a PhD student, get your head out of your butt!

K, rose ceremony: Lindzi gets the first rose, for some reason. Then Jamie (whoever the hell that is) gets the second one (seriously, guys, has Jamie been here the whole time?). Nicki gets the third rose. Next, Kacie B., followed by Elise, Boobly, Casey S. (hss!) and Emily (whew). That means Monica is going home, which is too bad, since she was one of the more tolerable people in the house. She’s headed back to Salt Lake City to continue her exciting career as a “dental consultant,” so she’ll be fine.

Ben announces that they are headed to Vieques, Puerto Rico and the girls squeal. My fiance comments, “These women deserve to be drowned.” And that, my friends, is why I’m marrying him.

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