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Bachelor – Dispatch from Puerto Rico, where Courtney was, like, two months ago.

I’m jumping into the Bachelor late tonight because I just got done with work — at 10 pm. *Combined sigh/eye-roll.* So, I probably won’t blog the whole thing tonight but I gotta make a few comments. I just gotta.

Re: divorcee Nicki’s date – I’ve just got a couple of tips for ol’ Nicki: 1) stop saying “fairy tale,” 2) stop saying that you’re “really falling for” Ben, and 3) stop saying that Ben’s the “man of [your] dreams” because, you know, no. He’s not. He’s not the man of anyone’s dreams. Fact.

Okay, now we’re onto the baseball game date. I am literally fast-forwarding over it because I don’t care. Okay, I stopped fast-forwarding for a sec and I hear high-pitched shrieking. Aaaand resuming fast-forwarding. And wow, do some of these girls run like girls (even in fast-motion).  Okay, stopping. I feel it must be said that Ben looks like a turtle with his little pin-neck sticking out of his giant jersey. How do these women look at him with his little head and big jersey and find him attractive? Can we get them on a group date where they all get Lasik?

Okay so the red team wins the baseball game and they get to go on a “romantic beach date” with Ben, while the other girls, the unfortunate blue team, sit around and cry. All of them. Crying. Boobly takes it especially hard.  Poor Boobly.

Romantic group beach date time!  I like how the producers are letting Courtney narrate this entire thing (“she’s annoying,” “she’s dumb,” “she’s ugly”). She’s like a mean, biased color commentator who only talks in a baby voice.

Kacie B. snags some alone-time with Ben and asks him about his past relationships and he says they all ended because he loved women and they didn’t love him back.  It’s cute how he’s pluralizing as if there is more than one past “serious relationship,” because he’s obviously referring to Ashley, the girl who rejected him on national TV because, indeed, she didn’t love him back.  Anyway, Ben gives Kacie B. the rose and you can see the evil wheels in evil Courtney’s evil head turning! She’s up to something.

Now it’s time for personal trainer Elise’s one-on-one date with Ben. Elise, I think it’s safe to say, will not win this thing. But I have to give her credit for having one of the orangest tans I’ve ever seen outside the context of the Jersey Shore.  I mean, let’s be real: that orangeness don’t come easy. You gotta work at that.  Elise and Ben go out on a boat and Elise gives him a laundry list of all the things she gave up to be on the show, including leaving her job.  Then, in abrupt about-face, she kinda proposes to Ben and he laughs awkwardly in response. This is going great, Elise!

Later, Ben and Elise go to dinner on a beach and Ben wears a wildly inappropriate tuxedo and NO SHOES.  NO SHOES and a TUXEDO.  The dinner conversation is awkward.  Ben asks Elise what she meant when she said earlier that she had accomplished everything she wanted to in life already, and she said no, actually, what she meant is that she has accomplished everything she wanted to as a single person. Then she quickly says how much she wants to be in a relationship, and engaged, and married! Ben looks uncomfortable and plays with his douchey hair.

Elise asks Ben to be honest with her – uh oh, big mistake, Elise! Don’t ever ask Ben to be honest with you.  Learn from Samantha’s mistakes! So, Ben picks up the rose and starts telling Elise how great of a first impression she made, and she grins, thinking something nice is coming, like the rose that he’s twiddling in his fingers. But then he says, “Unfortunately, I was hoping for some things today that I just didn’t find.” He’s still holding the rose. Dude, Ben just pulled an Ashley on this girl. Cold. Ben tells Elise that his relationships with “a lot of these other women” are “so far past” what Elise and Ben could “even get to.” Whoa, don’t sugarcoat it, Ben. Make sure you let her know she is FAR inferior to MANY of the other women.  Meanwhile, Elise’s eyes are welling with tears. Tact is not Ben’s strong suit, we are learning.

Elise gets led out into the water for her Pensive Boat Ride back to shore and a sad David Gray song plays as she is boated away.  I’m confused: why did Ben get rid of Elise, who seemed nice, if not a bit orange, but kept Rachel, who had *literally* nothing to say to him during their date? I mean, it’d be one thing if he were uniformly brutal to these biddies but he seems so inconsistent.

So after the sad David Gray song fades out and Elise is boated back to Jersey, Courtney shows up at Ben’s door with wine, wearing nothing but a short robe.  By the way, Courtney is officially horrid. Actual quote that came out of her lips: “After Ben’s date with Elise, his eyes probably hurt.” I mean, yes, Elise is day-glo colored, there’s no getting around that, but you just don’t SAY stuff like that.  Unless you’re blogging. And you’re me. Then you can say it.

So Ben and Courtney go skinny-dipping and it’s pretty gross. What’s even grosser is that Ben says that Courtney and he “shared a pretty intimate moment.” Guys, does that mean they had sex? Oh, gag! GAG!!!

Ben shows up for a cocktail party with the ladies and they all gush to him about how much they like him and he says stuff like, “yeah.” Jennifer says she thinks he’s “perfect,” which is obviously stupid, but at least she doesn’t say “PERF-echt.” Meanwhile, Boobly sidles over and tells Ben that she never thought she’d “deserve” someone like him (SIGH) but now she realizes that she does deserve him, after all. This is so sad. No, guys, I’m not even being snarky – this is giving me the sads, big time.

After Boobly’s epiphany, Emily and Ben go sit on the beach.  Emily brings up Courtney again but then quickly says she hasn’t thought much about Courtney this week but instead has focused on Ben and Emily.  Ben seems pleased.  But then Emily says that she still thinks Courtney is a “weirdo” and two-faced. Which is dumb because Ben is not going to listen, but smart because it’s true.  Ben shuts her down and tells her, quite snippily, to “tread lightly and be careful.” Dude, this guy’s such a dick. Pralines and dick, big time. Poor Emily needs to just keep her mouth shut and let Ben dig his own stupid Courtney grave. I’m actually really confused as to why Emily likes Ben at all when he’s such a douchebucket and seems so charmed by Courtney the Terrible, but, hey, she is. Maybe she’s just hoping to string this thing out and be the next NEXT Bachelorette (after the other Emily)? That’s playing the long game!

Rose ceremony. And why in tarnation is Rachel the Boring getting, like, the fourth rose? Ben, you’re so inscrutable with these choices! Blah, blah, more roses, until the final two girls standing are Jennifer and Emily. And you know what’s effed up about this? I think Ben made Emily the last one to teach her a lesson and make her feel bad about saying stuff about Courtney.  He would honestly be the WORST boyfriend. He’s already playing these shitty little mind games with these women and he’s not even dating them. Run, ladies! Run while you still can!

Poor Jennifer gets walked out and she takes it well, actually, holding it together until she gets into the limo for her Pensive Limo Ride. She seems like a classy broad. I’m sure she’ll go find some nice gentleman with a fetish for redheaded accountants and be just fine.

Ohhh, next week Ben is taking the ladies to Panama and you know what that means: the obligatory dancing-with-locals-in-a-colorful-market scene is coming up! I can’t hardly wait.

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