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Bachelor Goes to Panama

This week the Bachelor and his harem of hussies are in Panama City, Panama.

Kacie B. gets the first one-on-one date and Boobly barely restrains herself from scratching out Kacie B.’s eyes.  Guess what Kacie B.’s and Ben’s date involves? A HELICOPTER.

They unnecessarily chopper over to a “deserted island” called San Blas. The stupid conceit of this date is that they have to “survive” with only a machete, a Swiss Army knife, and a fully equipped camera crew to rely on.  They go fishing with a net and dredge up one of the fully cooked tuna steaks that the producers no doubt left in the surf for them to find.  But they don’t actually eat it for dinner, which takes place on an outdoor patio somewhere back on the mainland, within earshot of an incessantly barking dog.  Conversation is dull until Kacie B. brings up the fact that she had an eating disorder in high school, as if that sets her apart from all of the other emaciated contestants.  Ben seems underwhelmed, but he gives her a rose anyway.  Cue soaring music as hackneyed make-out-in-the-rain scene commences.

Time for the group date on the Chagres River. Ben drives up to meet the women in a boat and Jamie (whoever she is — has she been here the whole time?) comments that he’s “such a man’s man.” Sure, honey. Sure he is.

As they cruise down the river in the boat, they happen upon some kids in loin cloths playing soccer with a shockingly new looking ball. Thanks, ABC producers! The villagers all agree it was totally worth exploiting their culture in return for that soccer ball. Ben and the women then “stumble upon” a village where local people in native garb are waiting to deck them out in, well, native garb.  Courtney, being the insensitive boob she is, decides to wear the traditional beads over her bare chest, rather than wearing a bikini top like everyone else.  She makes sure to shake her tits provocatively at a group of small Panamanian children.  The locals appear stunned.  Ben shows up in a loin cloth and leads the ladies in a body-painting excursion.  I can’t even write about Courtney’s antics at this point because they’re so tired and obnoxious.  I hate her, you hate her, everyone except Bonehead Ben hates her. And he’s proven himself to be such a tool over the last few episodes that I really think he and Courtney deserve each other, at least, for the four months they’ll stay together after this show wraps.

Back on dry land, Lindzi tells Ben that she “[doesn’t] believe in fighting,” which makes sense, if you exclusively date Japanese body pillows. She also tells him that she has cried over the realization that her “boyfriend has a couple other girlfriends.” Sudden polygamy’s the pits, eh, Lindzi?

Courtney’s turn for alone time. Ben says that “Courtney and I’s relationship” has really been great. And that, right there, is the reason he deserves all the unhappiness in the world.

Meanwhile, Ben tells Courtney that he loves how assertive she is and to keep it up! Sigh.

Jamie (her?) decides she wants to kiss Ben, so she wrangles some alone time with him — or so she thinks, because meanwhile, Courtney is in the background swimming and prancing provocatively. Oh, she’s terrible. Just terrible.

Ben and Emily eventually have some alone time and she tells him that there’s another man in her life… and it’s the chief from the Panamanian village! Oh, haha. That actually was pretty clever. Ben asks Emily if they’re “past” all of the “house drama” (i.e., Emily trying to warn him off the one bad seed in the house) and she says yes. Later, she even apologizes to Courtney for “misjudging” her. Courtney makes a horrible, sour face and says, “well, I appreciate you being direct with me because I respect that… but in real life, we wouldn’t be friends and I don’t respect the way you talked about me, and I don’t take being disrespected lightly.” And on and on and on. Courtney rages at Emily for talking shit about her for an uncomfortably long time, thereby negating Emily’s earlier conclusion that she had misjudged Courtney.

But, in a nice twist of events, Lindzi gets the rose. Courtney, never one to take things lying down, invites Ben to her room but he doesn’t show up. Ooh, burn!!

Time for an excruciating two-on-one date with Rachel and Boobly. Neither of these women have discernable personalities, but at least Boobly has other stuff going for her. Like her boobs.  They go to a salsa dancing lesson and they all suck, especially Ben. Boobly, however, sluts the joint up with lots of kicks and low dips.  Rachel, too, tries to do sexy hip wiggles, but fails. It’s like a weird sexy-off between these two.  Upping the ante, Boobly throws what appear to be some simulated sex acts into the mix but Rachel can only bob around awkwardly in response. This salsa lesson sure is long.

The threesome finally goes to dinner and it manages to be both uncomfortable and boring. Ben, to break the silence, I guess, asks Rachel to chat privately.  She tells him that “some things come with time” and that there is “something great” between them.  He makes out with her, as always, because he doesn’t have anything else to say to her.  Next, Boobly gets some alone time with Ben and she tears up and tells him she doesn’t want to lose him before getting to know him.  Then, in the coup de grace of awkwardness, she busts out a scrapbook with his name on it, which demonstrates in magazine clipping form all the special things she likes about him. I’m not making this up.  She walks him in great detail through all the generic pictures she’s pasted into the book (“this is a picture of Puerto Rico”) and he seems horrified.  He manages to pull himself together enough to kiss her a little bit, which, let’s be honest, is kinda the least he can do.  Poor Boobly.

At the end of dinner, Ben gives Rachel the rose (ohhhh nooooo) and Boobly storms out. Dude, I would storm out, too, after all that! Ben goes after her and convinces her to let him “explain” and he proceeds to tell her he has other relationships that are “so far past where we would begin to start.” Ugh, really Ben? Could he be any meaner? After poor, simple Boobly gave him that sad scrapbook he’s gonna send her home? That’s pretty low, mister. As Ben puts a sobbing Boobly into a car, she tells him she still cares about him clings to his neck. Ugh. Could this get any more depressing?

Rachel, meanwhile, has morphed into a Courtney wanna-be, telling the camera smugly that she has the rose and Boobly does not. Oh, shove it, Rachel, Ben doesn’t even like you, he just likes Boobly less.

Meanwhile, in the vagina-shaped tower, the girls are chatting when Chris Harrison wanders in and asks Casey S. if he can speak privately with her. Chris tells her that he’s learned that she has a boyfriend back home, and that he spoke with said boyfriend, who confirmed that Casey S. and he are still dating. Casey denies it at first and then sort of backpedals and admits she still is in love with the guy back home, even though they broke up (right). Chris suggests she speak with Ben. Eek!

Casey tells Ben that she came to the show trying to get over someone she was in love with, and that she’s not completely over him yet.  Ben says he wishes that she had been honest with him from early on. Casey starts bawling and tells Ben that she wants to be with someone who wants to get married but she loves someone who doesn’t want to get married, and she doesn’t want that. She doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. In response, Ben says, “the heart wants what the heart wants.” That’s right, he just quoted Woody Allen’s famous justification for sleeping with his own daughter.  Then he tells Casey she should leave. Dang. Casey gets a pensive minivan ride to the airport and makes weird moan-y noises as she cries.

So that was weird.

Later, during the cocktail party, Jamie tells Ben she has “really big plans” for what she wants to “do to” him. Whoa, whoa, whoa – what now? Ben looks genuinely excited for a sec but then Jamie follows her big sexy talk up with lots of fast talking and awkward straddling.  She proceeds to completely ruin whatever sexy factor she had going for her by detailing exactly how they should kiss each other by dictating when Ben should open and close his mouth. After approximately 10 seconds of this, Ben freaks out and tells her he can’t “deal with it” and stands up. Aaaand just when I thought he couldn’t be more of a jerk, he goes and surprises me. Poor Jamie. She tried, but she just got a bit nervous and verklempt and Ben is going to punish her for it, you just watch.

Time for the rose ceremony. It goes: 1) Nicki, 2) Courtney, and 3) Emily (why does he always save Emily for last? That’s a dick move, right?). As predicted, poor, weird, nervous Jamie gets sent home.  In her post-rejection confessional, she says she could “see a future with” Ben but she’s “scared of love.” Girrrrl. You serious?

That’s all for this week. See you next week in BELIZE!

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