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Bachelor in Belize, Part 1

Happy Monday everyone! I’m approaching this week’s episode with a mix of trepidation, disgust, and excitement, which is the perfect cocktail of emotions for effective Bachelor watching.  This week, we’re down to just six obnoxious women and one uniquely stupid man.   This episode should be interesting because, according to the previews, the “ladies” (and I use that term loosely) turn on Courtney and, I’m pretty willing to bet, Ben ignores them.  Let’s go!

Ben shows up this week wearing an ill-fitting wife-beater and a farmer’s tan and tells us that you get a “real sense of island life in Belize,” even though, you know, Belize is not an island.

Kacie B., meanwhile, says that she is “as in love with Ben as [she] can get.” I used to feel bad for Kacie B. because she seemed nice — and she does seem nice — but it’s hard to drum up much sympathy for someone who is “in love” with Ben Flajnik. I mean, lady needs her head checked (or at least her eyesight, amirite?).

Chris Harrison emerges from dark shadows to tell the ladies what’s coming up: three one-on-one dates and one group date, with no rose offered on the one-on-ones. Ruh-roh! At the end of the week, only FOUR women will remain. Which means that TWO people get eliminated this week. Math!

Lindzi gets the first one-on-one date and Nicki fills rill sad about it. She is finally recognizing how deep her fillings are for Ben, which is tough, you know?

Ben wanders out to the pool wearing a striped wifebeater with a pocket (I can’t make this sh** up) and picks Lindzi up for her date, which involves — wait for it — a HELICOPTER.  Lindzi says in a voiceover that now that she’s met Ben, she wants “kids and marriage and forever.” Ben says that she is a “special woman.”

They chopper over something called “the Blue Hole,” which, I must admit, looks pretty freakin’ awesome (see pic above).  Then, Ben tells Lindzi they are going to jump off the helicopter into said hole.  Lindzi (SHOCKER!) is “scared of heights.” This falls into the faithful Bachelor pattern of forcing contestants to go on dates involving their “greatest fear,” which usually involves water and/or heights, followed by triumphant making out in the water/while hanging from a bungee cord, as a tired metaphor for “taking risks” in relationships. And guess what? Lindzi and Ben jump out of the helicopter and kiss at the bottom! And this teaches Ben that “there’s nothing [he and Lindzi] can’t accomplish together!” Except maybe, you know, actually having a relationship?

After the Blue Hole, Lindzi and Ben go on a dinner date and they make out a lot, which I find baffling. I mean, at least Bachelor Brad, while dumb as a box of rocks, was handsome. Not my type, but classically handsome, at least. Ben, meanwhile… I just don’t get it. Since I really don’t want to keep snarking on his looks, can we all just take a moment and agree that if this were real life, none of these women would take a second look at him? Like, ever in a million years? I find it particularly baffling that Emily, who seems smart and funny and is getting an epidemiology PhD, is interested in this joker, but desperation/fame-whorin’ runs deep, I suppose.

Anyway, Lindzi and Ben snuggle up to each other and drink wine  (did they actually eat dinner?) and yikes, is it just me or is their conversation really stilted and awks? After some long pauses, Ben asks Lindzi if she’s ready to bring him home to meet her fam, since this is a “two-way street.” Whoa, did Ben just acknowledge someone else’s feelings? Whaaat? Does not compute.

They trade some more cliches involving the word “leap” (“it’s a leap of faith;” “we took quite the leap today;” “you just have to close your eyes and leap”). Lindzi haltingly tells Ben that she’s “falling for” him, the meaning of which, even after this many seasons of watching the Bachelor franchise, I still don’t understand.

By the way, this date has to have the all-time record for number of Bachelor tropes in a row:

1. Helicopter

2. “Leap of faith” stunt involving jumping off of something

3. Lindzi saying she’s “falling for” Ben

4. Several “fairy tale” references

5. Several “Prince Charming” references (holy moly)

You know, I was sort of neutral on Lindzi before this but now, after hearing her say that Ben is “a Prince Charming,” I hate her. Sorry. There’s no coming back from that. Also, I have to point out that even though Ben and Lindzi make out a lot, I don’t think they actually have a ton of real chemistry. Ben says stuff like “we’re comfortable with each other,” which I bet he doesn’t say about Courtney the Bare Chested.

Now it’s Emily’s turn for a one-on-one date. She seems super giddy about this and says she is “ready to fall in love.” Courtney looks like she wants to murder Emily in her sleep/while she is awake.

Emily takes a sea-plane to meet Ben on an island, where they ride bikes around the adorable town. I sense a dancing with local children scene coming up, any moment now… oh, wait, even better – they jump in on a local basketball game. How considerate of them. And THEN they dance to a local band. Check and check.

After interrupting the pickup game and ruining the band’s jam session, Ben “spontaneously” approaches a  friendly local man at the docks who was definitely not planted there by the producers and asks him to take them diving for lobsters. Emily seems really impressed by how “spontaneous” Ben is. Huh, maybe this one’s not so smart after all. They proceed to have the creepiest date ever, which involves trying to hook lobsters under the water, as they dart around and act all tentacle-y. For the record, I would officially HATE this date.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Courtney is crying crocodile tears and claiming she feels “let down” because Ben doesn’t stand up for her to Emily. Oh, puh-leeeeze. Then she says she’s not ready to introduce Ben to her family. Oh, nooos! Guys, she doesn’t know how much more she can take! We’re all so upset to hear this, Courtney!

Back on the island, Emily and Ben are dancing with local people and just really going for it, and it’s pretttty terrible. After that, they go to the pier and sit down for a lobster dinner. Ben asks Emily if she feels confident enough to bring him home to her family.  Emily answers, rather circuitously, that what bothers her about the whole Courtney thing (i.e., Courtney being evil and Ben being a dick) is that Emily and Ben lost valuable time where they could have gotten to know each other better, but now she is focusing on him (wait, hasn’t she given him this exact same speech before? Like, word for word?) and she DOES feel ready for her parents to meet him.  She “formally” invites Ben back to North Carolina to meet her family and he says “thank you” and tells her she’s beautiful and that he enjoys their chats. Hmmm.

Part 2 will come in a few!

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