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Bachelor in Belize, Part 2

We’re back, and it’s time for Courtney’s one-on-one date – this should be painful to watch.  Ben, who may not speak English as his first language, says: “Courtney and I’s date this week will be better than the last.”  Apparently Ben subscribes to the school of grammar that believes that “I” is a fancier version of “me” and “my.”

They go to a Mayan temple and Courtney says she feels “so small.” Ew. They sit down in the temple and Courtney tells Ben she had a “tough day” because he had gone out with Emily, who had said “nasty things” to Courtney.  She then tells him that she won’t bring him home unless she knows where they stand, oh, and also, that their spark is gone. This woman knows how to play a man, I’ll give her that. She’s like a Machiavellian dating mastermind – she’s making Ben fear and love her! Ben, of course, takes the bait and says he’d be “crushed” if she left and that he respects Courtney for telling him her feelings. Pshaw, like Courtney has feelings! He also reassures her that she “stands out” among the other women, which obviously means that he likes that she’s always flashing her boobs at him.  He adds that she seems “weird” and he likes that because he’s “weird,” too.  I think Ben thinks that Courtney is weird in a Zooey Deschanel way, but Courtney’s weird in more of a Jeffrey Dahmer way.  And, I suspect, Ben thinks he’s weird in a Joseph Gordon Levitt way but he is not actually weird, he just has bad hair.

They climb to the top of the temple and Ben brings up his Dead Dad and says in a voiceover he “sees [his] life with this woman.” Courtney busts out the baby voice and tells Ben that they “fit nicely together.” Heebie-jeebies up in here!

They go to dinner and Ben marvels at the fact that “all it took” to relight the spark for Courtney was to spend time with him. Funny how that works, eh, Ben? Her machinations are so transparent to everyone except him, because he be stuuuupid. Oh, boy, now he’s telling her that he “believe[s] in soul mates.” Holy crap, really? He thinks this woman is his soul mate? He’s dumber than I thought, and I thought he was DUMB.

Finally, Ben asks Courtney why she doesn’t get along with the other women and she says it’s because they haven’t made an effort to get to know her, whereas she has tried really hard to get to know them. She says: “I’ve tried to be nice to every girl… but these aren’t people I would be friends with in real life,” because they’re “so vanilla.” As Courtney rants about how boring and self-absorbed the other women are, you can almost see the little wheels slowly turning in Ben’s head as his face becomes more and more frowny. Ben asks Courtney if she has many girl friends and she says she has “a lot of guy friends.” Ben’s frown increases.

Courtney snaps that doesn’t want to waste her time discussing the other women with Ben. He says that he is concerned about her apparent inability to connect with others.  Her answer: “Do you know what my job is like? I’m the talent and I have to make everyone happy. I am really well-rounded and I can adapt to anything.” First of all: she just called herself “the talent,” so, strike one. Second of all: she sounds like an honest-to-God psychopath. She can “adapt to anything” because she’s entirely lacking in empathy for others and knows how to manipulate people to get what she wants. So that’s kind of a bad sign.

Ben says it’s hard for him to believe that Courtney is two-faced but he’s bothered that she gets defensive about her relationships with the other women. But, he says, he doesn’t want to push her because she’ll feel “attacked.” Funny, because he hasn’t had qualms about “pushing” or “attacking” any of the other women, especially Emily.

Time for the group date, which involves Ben waking the three unlucky women (Rachel, Kacie B. and Nicki) up at 4 am for an “adventure.” They all hurry to shave off all of their body hair before meeting Ben on the pier. Then they get on a catamaran and drink champagne and sail off to go shark diving, which, of course, represents “conquering your fears,” which, of course, is a key part of any relationship. Yeah, no. I’m pretty sure that my relationship with my fiance would benefit not at all from him forcing me to go diving with sharks. Pretty sure that would just piss me off.

Oh, and guess what, guys? Sharks are Rachel’s GREATEST FEAR.

Ben sits on the boat like a weenie while Kacie B. and Nicki dive in like badasses and face down the sharks, which seem rather lethargic and uninterested in eating humans. Rachel, who is rapidly becoming my second least favorite woman on this show, lingers behind with Ben and milks her “phobia” for all it’s worth until finally, she and Ben jump into the water.  They stay at the surface while the sharks chill on the bottom, completely uninterested.

After the “dangerous” encounter with sleepy sharks, the group heads over to the hotel pool to have more drinks and Ben pulls aside Rachel for some alone time. She tells him she wants him to come home and meet her family and he kisses her, presumably to shut her up, because honestly? If Ben goes to Rachel’s hometown, I’ll eat my hat. Girlfriend is the most boring person alive (even more boring than Ben) and when she does open her mouth, she’s annoying. And she doesn’t even go topless, like Courtney! What’s she bringing to the table, anyway?

Next, Nicki corners Ben and brags about how “down to Earth” her childhood was and assures him that her family would love him. Then she tells Ben that she’s falling in love with him. She seems real drunk. Reaaaallll drunk.

In the pool, Kacie tells Ben she wants him to meet her family and that her mom would be “super excited,” but her dad would be “concerned.” I like you, Kacie’s dad. She also tells Ben she’s falling in love with him and he says, “really.” Oh, jeez. That’s not good.  Kacie, though, says she knows Ben can’t tell her he’s falling in love too but his “smile” and “kiss” mean more than words. Umm… pretty sure he’s allowed to say he’s falling in love.

Ben does an awkward, mini-rose-ceremony where he faintly praises each woman in turn (“Rachel, today you were scared, and that made it real”). Kacie B., however, is ultimately rewarded for “wearing [her] heart on [her] sleeve” and gets the rose, which means she is safe from elimination tonight.  Courtney says that Kacie is like a “little girl in a little boy’s body” (ouch?) and therefore is not competition to her.

The three ladies then tell Ben that they want him to be happy and sort of tiptoe around the fact that Courtney maybe sorta kinda might be evil. He asks to hear their opinions and they tell him to be “cautious about Courtney.” Nicki hints that Courtney may not care about Ben at all and is not there for the right reasons (gasp!).

Okay, most dramatic final cocktail party/rose ceremony ever, y’all. Rachel says that the mood is “somber.” In fact, the word “somber” is bandied about quite a bit by these women, although I’d be willing to guess most of them only have a tenuous understanding of what it means.  Courtney tells the girls to chill out and says “Ben isn’t the only guy in the world.” Emily seems scandalized by this statement. The idea!

Chris Harrison emerges out of a puff of smoke and passes on the message that Ben doesn’t want to have a cocktail party and instead wants to go straight to the rose ceremony. This prompts much soul-searching in the women — at least, among the women who have a soul.  Courtney seems cool with it.

The women line up in the tiki hut of doom and await their fate. I am actually kinda nervous here! Obviously Ben’s too dumb to send Courtney home but can we at least hope that Rachel gets sent packing?

Ben reminds the women that hometown dates are coming up next week — and then, in a “surprise” twist, Ben pulls Courtney aside. The other women seem borderline hysterical.  Ben tells Courtney he knows it’s been difficult for her and he wants to know if she’s “in this.” Courtney uses the timeless “I’m not here to make friends” excuse and tells Ben she thinks they can “make each other really happy in life.” Apparently, Ben is convinced and they come back after approximately one minute. Anticlimactic.

Time to hand out las rosas.  Nicki gets the first one. Lindzi gets the second one. Ohhh, this is nerve-wracking! I’m seriously kinda nervous, guys, this is weird!

Oh, boy, Courtney gets the last rose and Emily and Rachel look all stabby. Emily shoots Courtney what my fiance would call a “frost grin” then the girls all hug goodbye (except Courtney) and the two rejects leave. Rachel, indeed, feels “very rejected” and looks like a mess.

As Emily is leaving, Courtney says, “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya,” because she’s 10 years old. And a huge b***h, let’s be real.  Emily handles herself pretty well when leaving and says she hopes that there’s enough time left for Ben to see Courtney’s true colors. Meh, don’t count on it, Em.

Wow, I really cannot wait for next week. Can’t wait to see Courtney’s parents – I’m picturing a middle-aged version of Guy and Rosemary Woodhouse (note: I made a meme to that effect but couldn’t figure out how to insert it, so here you go:

See you next week!


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