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Bachelor Ben Goes Home(town), Part 2

Back with the Bachelor and Ben is in Nicki’s hometown of Fort Worth, TX.  They look at cowboy boots and Nicki makes – wait for it – tortured boot analogies (“finding the right boot is like finding the right person”). Ben makes the poor decision to wear a cowboy hat that makes him look like a huge doofus.  Later, after he has (mercifully) removed it, Nicki tells him about her divorce in very vague terms (“it was sad”).

Nicki’s parents are divorced but they get together to meet “Bin.”  Nicki’s dad smiles but seems quietly suspicious of the whole business. Her mom, meanwhile, “like[s] Bin a lot” and sees an intense “connection” between him and her daughter. Oh, gross. Her mom seems like the kind of sad, clingy mom who tries to be best friends with her kid, which never works out well – I mean, just look at Madonna and Lourdes. I can already tell that Nicki’s mom is going to suck up to Ben hardcore.

Then, Nicki’s dad very cautiously tells Nicki that he is concerned because he doesn’t want to see her hurt again.  “I may have too readily given your hand in marriage the first time,” he says, which makes it sound like he had her hand hastily chopped off rather than carefully having it surgically removed. Nicki and her dad go on to have a tearful talk where he says he feels that he let her down the first time around by letting her marry that other guy.  Nicki assures her dad that Ben is a “good man,” which he’s not, and omigod why doesn’t anyone on this show see this?

At dinner, Nicki’s dad, who has apparently come fully around to Ben’s side, gives a toast and tells everyone that Ben is a “tremendous young man” and that Ben has his total support. Oh, noooos! Why, Nicki’s dad?? After dinner, Nicki tells Ben she’s in love with him. Ohhh, noooooooooos!!! In response, Ben nods and smiles with his mouth closed. Lucky for him, he never even has to respond because Nicki leans forward and kisses him. Argh, Nicky, nooooo!

And now, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Ben’s hometown date with Courtney. She says to the camera she feels “badly” for treating the other women poorly. Yeaaaah, right. Meanwhile, Ben says it would bother him if he “ended up with someone who rubs people the wrong way.” Welp, Ben, I bet you’re kinda bothered right now, huh?

Courtney’s parents seem simultaneously waspy and tacky.  Her dad, who looks like the love child of Jerry Sandusky and Joe Biden, welcomes Ben with a glass of wine, so, many points scored right off the bat, since Ben’s business is booze and his future in-laws MUST LOVE BOOZE. Courtney tells her family (and Ben) she “likes/loves” Ben. Her mom, the only one in the room with any apparent sense, calls her out on this ridiculous statement and announces that she is “not sold” on the whole Ben thing yet.  Prediction: she will be sold by the end of this episode.

You know, seeing Courtney’s mom suddenly makes several things about Courtney make sense. Like her daughter, Mrs. Courtney has a weird, tight face and a strange, high voice and seems very weird and fake and robot-like. At least Courtney comes by it naturally?

Finally, Ben bids Courtney’s family goodbye and tells them that he has a “good feeling” about everything. Funny, because the rest of us have a really bad feeling about everything. Weird.

Ben and Courtney go out to a picnic bench and she tells him that she is “ready” (presumably for a sham engagement and increased media attention) and sees the next chapter of her life with Ben. Oh, and then it suddenly gets much worse: Courtney has set up a fake wedding. She explains that this was the “only way” she could envision letting Ben know she loves him. Right, of course. That’s obviously the only way.

She pulls out rings and a bow tie and her baby voice and she and Ben write vows for each other. This could not be more terrible. Oh, wait, yes it can – Ben says that he loves Courtney because she “challenge[s]” him. Oh, barf.

Some guy in a suit shows up out of nowhere to facilitate their fake vow reading. Ben’s stilted writing is about what I expected, maybe a littttle worse. But Courtney’s vows take the cake: the first sentence is blatantly plagiarized, almost word for word, from this Sex and the City speech:

Like she thinks we won’t notice?

At the end of their “romantic” vows, Courtney tells Ben she loves him and they exchange rings. Ben comments that this feels so “natural,” which causes my fiance to burst out laughing, because, come on.

Okay, almost time for la ceremonia de las rosas.  Ben reflects on each of his hometown dates and it’s boring and stupid.  Anyway – rose ceremony time. Ben, predictable as ever, gives Courtney the first rose, which she accepts with a heaping dose of baby voice.  Poor Kacie B. is smiling at Ben like she thinks she’s going to get picked, but he picks Lindzi. So now it’s down to Kacie and Nicki.  Kacie still looks pretty confident and Nicki just looks pissed.  Aaaand he picks Nicki.

Kacie, poor thing, looks stunned. Ben walks her out and she cries a little bit.  He says that it “breaks [his] heart” to let her go, which is clearly a lie, because if it “broke his heart” he wouldn’t actually send her home, amirite?  Kacie handles herself pretty well and keeps smiling while Ben puts her in the cab.  Impressive. I would have smacked him in the mouth, but that’s just me.  Things get weird in the Pensive Limo Ride, though. She starts off okay but then quickly loses it, going into full ugly cry and berating herself. Things spiral out of control when she starts yelling at herself and crying (“What the f*** happened?!”). I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that this is the most embarrassing Pensive Limo Ride ever. I am cringing like whoa over here.

Back at the manse, Ben doesn’t even seem sad. He’s like, “Well, that was sad. Guess what, we’re going to Switzerland!!! Yaaaay!!!”

Can’t wait for next week – FANTASY SUITE TIME. Ewww!!

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