Tube Topix

Bachelor in Switzerland

I’m feeling oddly not excited and low energy about the Bach tonight — which is weird — but I realize I am duty-bound to carefully report on this mess.  So. Here we go.

Ben notes right off the bat that it’s been “an incredible journey” and stresses how “incredible these women are.”  But! He also reveals his fear that he’ll pick the wrong woman, which is kind of a guaranteed outcome, no matter what he does, right?  Throughout this “journey,” he’s experienced “every emotion in the book: love, anger, sadness.” Yep, that about covers it. Love, anger, and sadness.

I fast-forward over the part where he reflects on all of the women. Boooring. Dooon’t care.

K, Ben’s in Switzerland now. While wandering through abandoned train stations, buildings and villages (did they pay the Swiss to clear the country for the weekend?), Ben alludes to the upcoming “overnights,” a charming euphemism which makes the odious Fantasy Suite nights sound like charming sleepaway adventures with the girl scouts rather than the smarmy, desperate, skank-fests that they are.

Nicki has the first date in Switzerland. She uses the word “majestic” many times, which I’m pretty sure she thinks is a synonym for “mountainous.” At the start of their date, Nicki runs up to hug Ben and he greets her while carefully avoiding looking her in the eye. Did anyone else notice this? He was like, peering over her head as she was craning her head up to look at him.  Ugh! The weirdness is finally broken up when a HELICOPTER lands to take them away on a date. I have to say, I didn’t see that coming! I mean, a helicopter?? Who would have guessed?!

They chopper over the mountains and Ben says “my relationship with Nicki is getting to new heights… but it’s grounded.” Then, unbelievably, he follows that up with “relationships can be a wild ride, but who better to have on my side than Nicki?” And I refuse to even record all of the cliff-love analogies Nicki makes. I just won’t do it.

They perch on the top of a mountain and Nicki alludes to how she told Ben that she loved him last week, while he laughs and most assuredly does not reciprocate.  He DOES, however, manage to bring up his Dead Dad, though, so all is not lost.

Side note: I kinda think these woman are suffering from some sort of TV-induced Stockholm Syndrome, where they start to identify with their Bachelor captors and think that Ben is hot and that they’re in love with him, when, in reality, they don’t know him at all and he’s terrible.  I hope for their sakes that when they leave the show, they look back and are like, “…Him?”

Ben and Nicki have dinner in a log cabin and he asks her how she would “integrate” herself into his life. Again — Ben subscribes to the marriage philosophy in which the other person is basically a houseplant or a decorative vase that needs to blend in seamlessly with his furniture and not call too much attention to itself. Nicki, ever eager, says she sees herself moving to Sonoma and living with him.  Then she takes a bold step and asks Ben how many kids he wants.  He seems a bit weirded out, as if some lady on the bus had just asked him that. He says, after a moment, four, and adds “the more the merrier.” I love when men say that, like, ain’t no thang, let’s just have seven kids out of your vagina.  Nicki, meanwhile, says she has always had two kids in mind, but don’t worry, she’s willing to change that! She’ll change everything! She’ll take risks!!

As Nicki prattles on and throws back the red wine, Ben says in a voiceover that he wants to see if they can “take it to the next level.” He gives Nicki a Fantasy Suite card and she accepts, but clarifies that the Fantasy Suite is “not something [she] take[s] lightly” but since they are so “close to the future,” it makes sense. Oh, honey.  No.  You’re very close to your future of being sent packing as soon as he sleeps with you and he’s close to his future of proposing to Courtney.

Nicki talks and talks and talks as they sit in bathing suits in their in-room hot tub. She tells Ben how much she loves him and he doesn’t answer.  I’m sorry, but at this point, don’t these dim bulbs realize that if you tell the guy you love him and he doesn’t answer, that means he, uh, doesn’t love you? I feel like that’s true in real life and even more true on this show, where the word love gets tossed around like a beach-ball.

Now it’s stupid Lindzi’s turn. I am calling her stupid because her name is stupid and her hair is stupid and she’s stupid.  They meet at Interlochen (clarifying note: NOT the music camp in Michigan) and Ben tells her he has an “adrenaline date” planned. I hate these dates and I hate them. I might be a little bit negative tonight.

This date involves rappelling. It looks dumb and honestly, I don’t care if they fall to their deaths, so I’m fast-forwarding. Okay, they survive (sigh) and go into a hot tub and Lindzi talks about the “process of being so vulnerable” that she’s been going through.  Can someone drown them? Is there a cover to that hot tub that can just be shut?

Later, they go to dinner at some schmancy restaurant and Ben proves definitively that he’s a giant a-hole by wearing a bow-tie to dinner.  And it’s crooked.

Lindzi says that she “put[s] walls up” and that she doesn’t settle, except, you know, with her ex, which I think was her only boyfriend. So besides in her only relationship ever, she doesn’t settle.  She says that her last relationship helped her “appreciate and know what love is.” Wow. One can only imagine how shallow her last relationship was if her fake-lationship with Ben seems like “love” in comparison.

Lindzi justifies to herself that she needs to “open up” to Ben to truly move things to the next level, which is just sad.  She then tells him that she wants this to end in a proposal (to her, presumably) and he says, “Wow” and looks surprised, as if she had just suggested burning their eyebrows off with a lighter. He smiles dully at her.

At the end of dinner, Ben gives Lindzi the Fantasy Suite card and — shocker! — she accepts.  She says: “normally I don’t just go stay the night with just anyone, but I would love to.” Wait, why would you love to, again? No really, why are you sleeping with this guy? Is it possible that Lindzi doesn’t know what sex is? Does someone need to sit her down and teach her the birds and the bees so she can understand what she’s getting herself into here?

Ben: “I know it can be difficult for Lindzi to express herself but I feel honored she accepted the Fantasy Suite card…” Wait, huh? Is she going to express herself with her private parts?

You know what? Watching this, I’m so, SO glad Kacie B. got sent home – I’m so glad that sweet girl is being spared all of this gross nonsense.

Next up: Courtney’s date… stay tuned.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: