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Bachelor – THE FINAL – Part 2

We’re back for the Bach finale and Ben’s talking about “hurdles” and “incredible women” and “journeys.”  He announces that he has made up his mind, which means it’s time for the customary Neil Lane visit.  Neil introduces himself (“I’m Neil Lane”) and Ben says “nice to see you again,” which is really awk because, hey, Neil, you’ve actually met this guy before.  Remember how last year he picked out that ugly ring for Ashley and then she rejected him? And now he’s back to pick out another ugly ring for another awful harpie?  Neil Lane tries to pretend that he remembers Ben (“it’s not your first rodeo”) but it’s awk.  After some deliberation, Ben picks out a big square ring that is less hideous than the first ring but still nice and gaudy.

Next, Ben gets dressed solemnly as he prepares to dump Lindzi on a mountaintop.

Meanwhile, Lindzi boards her helicopter wearing a full-length, green velvet cape.  She looks like she could be playing a queen on a Disney Cruise ship.

She gets off of the helicopter and her weird cape drags in the snow.  Chris Harrison escorts her through a copse of trees to meet Ben, who blinks at her, silently.  Chris Harrison de-capes her and she approaches Ben, grinning.  Rather than stopping her from embarrassing herself, Ben lets L chatter on and on about how much she loves him and how excited she is. [CRINGE]

— Author’s note: I had a really long, really awesome post written here about the epic dumpage that occurs right now but WordPress ate it.  I hate you, WordPress. So let me just save us all some time and energy here and summarize: Ben dumps Lindzi by telling her he loves her and then, two seconds later, telling her he has fallen in love with someone else. Then, as he is walking her back to her chopper, she says, “If it doesn’t work out — call me?” So, there goes any hope of Lindzi escaping with any dignity out of this ordeal.  Proof that a floor-length velvet cape does not actually make you classy.

Courtney, dressed like Cruella DeVille, sashays her way over to Ben, who tells her that she is his “forever” (barfinmouth) and she baby-voices it up as he gets down on one knee and presents her with that stupid, clunky ring.  Afterwards, Ben repeats over and over that they have found a “fairy tale.”

So that’s that.

Now it’s time for After the Final Rose, which I’ve been looking forward to in the hopes that Ben will dump Courtney on national TV and propose to someone else, Jason Mesnick-style.  Anyway.  I won’t be blogging this in detail but I’ll share some thoughts in bullet form:

  • Ben’s wispy mustache. WHY? WHHHYYY?!
  • Ben admits that he and C did not talk for a while after the show and they broke off their engagement. Gasps from audience. Um. Do these people not read tabloids?
  • Chris Harrison questions Ben about the tabloid photos of him kissing other women.  Ben swears on his father’s grave (whoa) that he never cheated on Courtney.  No one believes him, obviously.  (See http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/bachelor-ben-caught-cheating-three-times-in-one-weekend—-see-the-pics-2012123)
  • So how many weeks do we think it’ll be until he and Courtney are dunzo? Two? Three? Maybe these crazy kids are gonna make it — for another four weeks.
  • Are we supposed to feel sorry for Courtney being broken up with right before Valentine’s Day? Because I don’t.
  • Chris Harrison: “When the going got tough, you split. Why?” <– hard-hitting journalism
  • I realize this is supposed to be dramatic but I am bored.  Ben and Courtney are icky but also boring, which is a losing combination.  I’ll give this five more minutes and if no one gets bitch-slapped, I’m peacing out.
  • This is weird but watching Ben cry actually makes me sad, because it’s pitiful.  And the way he wipes the tear away with his fist? Oy. I can’t believe I just experienced a genuine emotion while watching this crap.
  • Chris Harrison suddenly busts out a ring box. What, is Chris Harrison gonna propose to Courtney now?
  • Oh, no, I guess Ben is.  He sort of unceremoniously puts the ring on Courtney’s finger and, boom, they’re “officially” engaged again.
  • Chris Harrison asks them if they see a wedding in their future and Ben says yes. Okay, mini rant, but I swear, if these two poopheads get married, I’m moving to Canada. Or something. The institution of marriage is truly being destroyed piece by piece in this country by *certain people* (hint: not the gays!).  I hate that this show pretends to be about “marriage.” It’s all fun and games when the contestants are “engaged” and pretending to be “in love” while launching careers in media/entertainment before inevitably breaking up a month after one of them gets a pilot, but the idea of any of these people actually entering into the institution of marriage just gives me the barfs. Big time.
  • Whoa boy, now they’re trotting out Ashley and JP, my favorites (not). Fast-forwarding.
  • Oh, I fast-forwarded to the end and now it’s over. Well, it’s been real, fellow Bachelor fans. I’ll see you back here for Bachelorette Emily’s season, kay?
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