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Bachelor – THE FINAL.

Well, guys, we made it. It’s been a long, hard-scrabble road strewn with poor grammar, unflattering loin-cloths, and center-parts. Also prominent this season: many un-ironic playings of that David Gray song “This Year’s Love,” which seems fitting to the situation at hand, if by a year, we are actually talking about three weeks, and if by love, we are talking about desperate fame-whoring.  So, I’m here to blog this bizz and, even though we all know what’s going to happen on that mountain in Switzerland, I am still looking forward to seeing exactly how Ben will execute his terrible choices tonight.

*Author’s note: for brevity’s sake, in this post, I will refer to Courtney as C and Lindzi as L.*

Ben’s mom and sister show up and he debriefs them on the “two incredible women” in his life. They seem unimpressed.  Who can blame them? They’ve been through this drill before.  They’re hardened Bachelor veterans by now.  And really, they have to know what a selfish dingbat their Ben is by now — are they really expecting him to “find love” on this show?  I guess they’re contractually obligated to pretend so, but it must be difficult to feign enthusiasm about Ben’s second round of nationally broadcast poor choices.

As they are discussing the two women he has “fallen in love with,” Ben’s sister asks about whether any of the girls were “dramatic” and Ben admits that yes, Courtney, is still there. Ben’s sister tells him to be “weary” of Courtney’s inability to get along with other women.  Yes, Ben, be weary. Be very weary.

Lindzi meets the fam

L shows up to meet Ben’s fam and they seem quite subdued.  I can’t tell if this is because they are: 1) over this process, 2) over L, or 3) on sedatives.  Perhaps all three? During lunch, L is clearly freaking out and makes awk comments like “I get stressed out when I have to eat proper.” Can someone get this lady a hayseed to put in her teeth?

Mom asks L what she finds appealing about Ben and she gives a vague answer focusing mainly on how Ben is “interesting” and a great conversationalist.  Both of these statements are patently untrue, but what was she gonna say: I like how he wears unflattering v-neck tank tops and likes to tongue-kiss?  Mom, apparently unsatisfied, presses on and asks L what the “magic ingredient” is in her relationship with Ben. L doesn’t give a specific answer but goes on and on about how in love with Ben she is. SIGH.

Julia, Ben’s sister, brings L out on the deck and tells her to “go in 100%” with Ben.  Apparently Julia doesn’t realize that the Fantasy Suite dates were last week.  She then asks L about C (ooooh!) and L says that she is “very different from myself.” [GRAMMAR CRINGE]  Julia responds that C sounds like a “red flag.”  She also says she’d be happy if Ben picks L because she can see L’s “character and whatnot.”  A glowing recommendation if I’ve ever heard one.  At the end of the date, Ben says, with all the enthusiasm of a man facing a dental cleaning, “Lindzi could be my wife.”  Yay?

Courtney meets the fam

The sun rises in Switzerland and C emerges from her underground lair to meet Ben at his chalet.  Right away, Ben’s mom and sis question C about her modeling career and C launches, apropos of nothing, into how the other girls unfairly hated her (because she’s so BEAUTIFUL).  C lies up the wazoo about how hard she tried with all the other women and Julia and mom nod sagely, but I can tell Julia’s not buying it.  She takes C out to the deck and questions her about why she didn’t get along with other people.  C says she tried really hard but “could have tried a little harder” and admits that the show brought out a bad side in her.  Then she tries to butter Julia up by telling her how she’s in love with Ben and wants to do the right thing by him.  Later, with Ben’s mom, C busts out the baby voice, which I think is what she does when she’s trying to seduce people.  And Mom kinda seems to be falling for it, so I guess it works, even on moms.

Okay, judgment time: what did Ben’s fam think of C?  Drum roll: Julia tells Ben that she’s “blown away” by how “amazing” C is.  Oh, puh-LEEZE! Can someone explain to me why this happens every season? Do the Bachelor producers have some sort of sophisticated brainwashing technique that they use on these families? Or are only very stupid, very pliable family members allowed to appear on screen? Why aren’t there more peeps like Ashley’s tatted-up sister from last season? I loved it when ol’ Tatty was bitchy to JP and made Ashley cry. That’s what REAL families do, guys.  I mean, at least have a cantankerous grandma who takes no guff and tells it like it is, am I right?

So, Ben tells his family that his relationship with L is more of a “slow burn” (which is Bachelor code for “it sucks”) and his relationship with C has developed “more quickly” (yes, I’d say having sexy times in the ocean on their second date would qualify as “quick”).  They all agree that Courtney is wonderful and would make a great wife for Ben. Oh, brother.

Lindzi’s date

Ben comes to pick up L for their date and she awkwardly jumps on him and wraps her legs around his waist while he stands there stiffly. Ugh, Lindzi.  They go on a carriage ride through a Swiss town and L cozies up to Ben, who seems less than enthusiastic. He has her arm around her kinda how you might put your arm around your elderly aunt for a family photo.  They end up taking a gondola up to the top of the Matterhorn to go skiing.  Poor Lindzi seems so into the date and SO into Ben and he seems just so NOT into it, but he puts just enough effort into it so that she still thinks she’s The One he’s going to pick.  Then she decides to “open up” to Ben as they’re dangling in a gondola suspended over a snowy valley.  He nods and blinks a lot as she tries to “open up” to him. The whole conversation is just painful.  Especially when L says “this love I feel is bigger than any love I’ve felt before.” Stop!! This is the worst!  L tells Ben how much she loves him and how she wants to give him “everything,” and he says that makes him “feel better about us.”  So you know what sucks about this guy? He totally knows he’s not going to pick L and he’s purposefully leading her on so she won’t suspect the jig is up. Why can’t he just be a gentleman and let her in on the fact that she needs to be managing her expectations about their future?  What a dick.

At the end of the date, Ben comes over to L’s cabin where she says she is prepared to “tackle my fears,” which I think is code for “force myself to have sex with a relative stranger so that he’ll propose to me.”  Ben half-heartedly kisses L on the couch and thanks her for helping him to get to this point (what point?) and she says that “it’s only gonna get better,” which makes me cringe.  Then L says she has had a hard time opening up and uses her “sense of humor as a crutch.” Huh? Is she funny or something? No, seriously, I haven’t heard this lady crack a joke this entire time, so unless they just heavily edited her to seem like a boring, horse-riding bumpkin with tangled hair, I don’t think that “sense of humor” crutch is holding much weight around here.

Oh, also, if I were playing a Bach drinking game where you had to take a shot every time L used the word “vulnerable,” I’d be dead right now. Of alcohol poisoning.

Over soft guitar music, L continues to talk and talk and talk about how much she loves Ben. Exact dialogue:

L: “I love you.”

B: “Good.”

That’s officially the second-worst response in the world to “I love you.” The first worst response is “thank you.”  The next thing out of Ben’s mouth? “Thank you for being open with me.”

At the end of the date, Ben says in a voiceover that he wants to tell L that he loves her but he doesn’t think it’s fair to C. Huh! Funny that he didn’t feel like it was unfair to any of the other women when Courtney played with his wee-wee in the ocean but now, suddenly, he’s all about fairness? Give me a break.  Lindzi, undeterred, tells Ben she loves him approximately 150 more times as they stand outside and make out.  Honestly, does she not notice that he’s not reciprocating here? Something tells me Lindzi’s pensive limo ride is going to be particularly brutal.

Courtney’s date

They take a helicopter somewhere (groan) and Courtney says it’s like a “fairy tale.” Again, if I were participating in a Bachelor game of Russian roulette where you had to pull the trigger every time anyone uses the term “fairy tale,” I’d also be dead.  Of a bullet wound.  Wow, I get kinda dark when I watch this show, huh?

C and Ben have a weird bbq on the top of a mountain and Ben tells her that his family approves of her. There are many baby-voiced exclamations while Ben and Courtney make snow angels and take a toboggan down a hill.  Fingers crossed that they go over the side of the mountain…. but no.  Dang.

Ben shows up at C’s lair wearing a black vest that he might have stolen from an old-timey waiter on the way there.  C tells him she feels — wait for it — “vulnerable.” SIGH. Guys. I’m losing steam here. This show is actually sucking the life out of me.  But — I’ll press on. For your sake.  You’re welcome.

C gives Ben a gift: a cheezy photo album of pictures of them.  “Oh, how fun,” Ben says.  Well, at least it’s better than Blakely’s sad scrapbook of magazine clippings.  Oh, and C also wrote Ben a long, generic letter about their “incredible journey.”  C seems disappointed that Ben doesn’t tell her that he loves her, so she brings up again how “hard” everything has been for her.  He seems annoyed.

Alright, we’re coming up on the PROPOSAL! To be continued…

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  1. * Carrie says:

    Love Tube Topix! Cannot believe Ben still has the ugliest haircut ever. I’m looking forward to your blogs about Emily’s season!!! What a bizzo.

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 3 months ago


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