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Bachelorette Emily Season Premiere…

Okay, so I am actually on the fence about how thoroughly I am going to blog the Bachelorette this season. Emily Maynard bores me to tears and I don’t really care about her “journey” or her “fairy tale.”  Also, her repeated comments about being 26 (which, for the record, is three years younger than yours truly) and having the “clock ticking” on having more babies makes me want to roll my eyes so hard they break.  And does anyone else feel like she’s putting on that accent just a little bit?  I am just not that into her, guys.

But! Despite all of my misgivings, I am going to blog the first episode of Emily’s season because I got married on Saturday and am in a tolerant, if not downright schmoopy, mood.

I’m gonna skip all the intro/backstory mumbo jumbo and give some preliminary thoughts and predictions on some of the featured men:

  • Kalon: “Luxury goods dealer.” Claims he used to be obnoxious. Does not realize that he still is, in fact, obnoxious.
  • Ryan: Former pro-football player who trains kids in sports. He is Southern and handsome and has a dog. This one will go far.
  • Tony: Horrible facial hair. Single father. Does the “what has two thumbs and is going to marry Emily” joke.  Seems awful.
  • Larone: Token black guy.  Has a ridiculously small and fluffy dog. Is turned on by the fact that Emily is a single mom.  Weird?
  • David: Terrible singer-songwriter who thinks he is an amazing singer-songwriter. Wrote a song about Emily in which the lyrics are “Emily… Emily… Emily… Emily.”
  • Charlie: Traumatic brain injury. Sexy voice.  Cute bulldog.  Only strike against him would be this line: “I may have had a head injury but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.”
  • Jef: With one ‘eff.’  CEO of bottled water company. Rides a skateboard everywhere.
  • Arie: Racecar driver. Of course. Because Emily’s ex-fiance was also a racecar driver. DUN dun DUNNN! Def the most physically attractive candidate, in my humble opinion.  May be a douche, may not be — hard to tell. I am sort of blinded by his hotness.

I’m also going to skip describing the cheezy introductions because they make me cringe, and not in a good way.  For example: one of the men, Travis, shows Emily a large egg (ostrich?) and tells her it represents “two beautiful people,” her and her daughter, and that he is going to protect it as he would protect them.  Which I guess means he plans on carrying them around gingerly in the crook of his arm.  This guy is quite obviously this season’s version of Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” Kahl, so we have that to look forward to.  Another guy presents Emily with a single “glass slipper” and gives her some line about fairy tales. UGH. Then, outdoing everyone on the juicebag scale, Kalon arrives in a helicopter.  Worst.

The cocktail party is pretty boring, mostly because Emily’s personality, while pleasant, is dry as a bone, even in the face of some of the most gimmicky crap I’ve ever seen on a Bachelor(ette) season (which is saying something).  One of the guys brings bobbleheads of himself and Emily and then makes her play dolls with him while he talks in a weird voice bordering on Howdy Doody territory.  The egg guy carries his egg with him everywhere.  And so on.

Some other highlights:

  • Jef with one eff sits Emily down for a chat and actually seems somewhat normal.  Weird.
  • Doug, a single dad from Seattle, brings a note from his son, in which his kid tries to convince Emily how awesome his dad is. Setting aside the fact that Doug is essentially pimping out his child, can we talk about the fact that he is just a couple plot points short of reenacting Sleepless in Seattle?  Did Doug’s wife die of cancer?  Can we change his kid’s name from Austin to Jonah and give him a bad early ’90s haircut?
  • Kalon and Emily have some alone-time and all of the other guys snark on him hardcore.  I see why — he’s as phony as a three-dollar bill.  He’ll probably go pretty far, though, because usually the leads are too dumb to see through the mounds of fake B.S. (see, e.g., Ashley and Bentley) and I suspect Emily is not going to be an exception to that rule.
  • Arie tells Emily he’s a racecar driver and she’s cool with it. I suspect Arie could tell her he is a professional poop sculptor and she’d be cool with it.  I mean, look at him.

Doug (aka Sam Baldwin) gets the first impression rose.  Next stop: Empire State Building!

Chris, bobblehead guy, gets the next rose.  Then Ryan, the former football player. Next, KALON (blech).  Then Arie, followed by Charlie (brain injury guy), Jef (with one eff), Nate (who?), Shawn (who??), Joe (Matthew McConaghey wannabe), Kyle (?), Aaron (??), Alejandro (token Latino), John (inexplicably goes by “Wolf”), Alessandro (token Brazilian), Michael (looks like he got lost on the way to Comicon), Stevie (??), Tony (soul patch), and, finally, Travis (egg).

Okay, so I think we all notice that the ONE black guy out of 25 gets sent home. Awkward. On the bright side, she kept the token Colombian, and he has brown hair.  So ABC is not racist after all.

So, that’s it.  If this post was at all lackluster, it’s not my fault – the show was actually that boring.  See you next week (maybe).

 

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