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Watching Paint Dry With the Bachelorette

I am blogging this week side by side with my friend Yohanca, who is visiting from the Ukraine, and thus I will only be blogging at half speed so that I can, you know, also half-assedly chat with my friend. Aren’t I a gracious hostess?

Ryan, the former football player, gets the first date. When he finds out, he quotes his pastor and manages to make folksy advice sound dirty: “If you treat a woman like a queen… she’ll treat you like a king,” he says knowingly. Ugh, Ryan, gross.

Emily, wearing some weird burlap sack of a shirt, crashes a sexy all-male pool party to pick Ryan up for his date. Ryan refers to Emily as his potential “future wife,” which makes me cringe, because YOU JUST MET HER ONE DAY AGO. Side note: at some angles, Ryan looks like a pre-fat Luke Wilson. Which is a plus. But then from other angles, his head looks oddly shaped.  Which is a minus.

On their date, Emily and Ryan bake cookies for Lil’ Ricki’s “soccer practice” (fake) and Ryan makes noise about having to wear a flowery apron because it’s not “manly.” I hate it when dudes on this show protest about that type of thing.  Hey, part of being married is wearing stuff that isn’t manly sometimes.  I mean, my husband wears my shorty terry cloth robe sometimes when he’s cold and I’m sure he doesn’t mind me telling everyone that.  Right, honey?

Anyway, as they’re driving around, Ryan says that “this is what life could be like” with Emily, which is the only time on this show that statement has ever been even remotely true. Normally, people  on this show say that while they’re floating in an infinity pool.

Cut to a gratuitous shirtless short of Ryan — and he gets dressed verrrry slowly.  This one’s for you, ladies.  Once he is clothed, Emily picks him up for their evening date in a fancy car and they drive to a restaurant where they’re mobbed by adoring crowds of local bumpkins.  They sit down and Emily brings up Ryan’s ex girlfriend, like, two seconds into dinner, and he gives her an evasive answer about wanting to pursue someone and play cat ‘n mouse or something. But Emily wants to make sure Ryan doesn’t see the show as “a competition.” Because this show, in which men compete to win a woman, is not a competition. Okay?

The soft guitar music that signifies a burgeoning emotional connection starts playing and I glaze over.  Finally, after a tortured exchange about “the chase” and “running,” Emily gives Ryan a rose.  Then, they go and see a band and dance on a raised stage in the middle of crowds of people who take iPhone pictures of them.  Just like real life!

Group date time, and the men get to meet the Muppets.  One of them says: “We didn’t expect Muppets.” Which begs the question of when, exactly, does one expect Muppets. Also, are the Muppets so hard up that they need to be doing this?  Sad.

Charlie, the cute one with the traumatic brain injury, has a mini breakdown at the possibility of having to perform in front of people, since apparently his brain is still healing and he don’t talk so good. I genuinely feel badly for him, actually.  He asks Emily if he can do something that doesn’t involve speaking and she says yes (whew), but then later she does make him talk on stage. Not cool, Emily, holy crap.  Charlie handled it well, though. I think he’s my favorite, personality-wise.  Don’t screw this up, Charlie.

After the painful revue performed by the men, Emily brings Ricki on stage. CHILD ABUSE.

— Note: I stopped watching at this point because it was boring and I wanted to have an actual conversation with my friend and then restarted blogging two days later. So. Here we go again.

We’re at the cocktail party and Emily is chit-chatting with the dudes and it’s boring. Because Emily is boring.  And the men are boring.  And this show is boring.  The most interesting part of the show so far is Jef with one eff (who shall henceforth be known as JWOF) being kinda chilly towards Emily. You can tell she’s not used to dudes failing to fawn all over her and I think JWOF is totes playing hard to get here. It works, because he gets the rose. Nicely played, JWOF.

There’s some awk exchanges during the cocktail party, like when Kalon won’t surrender Emily to Aaron, who stands his ground and demands that Kalon surrender Emily, as Emily sits silently and does not offer any opinion about who she, the object of the argument, would like to speak with.   Then there’s some bitchiness between Kalon and Stevie.  Obviously Kalon is supposed to be the villain of the season, but I’m just not interested in his brand of villainy. He’s just a garden variety douche in a white cardigan with veneers who calls people “bro.”  Big whoop. He’s no Bentley, okay?

Kalon also manages to get under Doug’s skin, prompting Doug to lecture Kalon about the ginormous burden of being a dad.   Kalon had suggested that it was possible to put being a dad “on hold” or something? I dunno, I wasn’t listening. Anyway, Doug delivers Kalon a blistering lecture about how he gave up all his dreams when he found out he was going to be a dad.  I’m sure Doug’s kid is thrilled to hear that.

Joe (McConaghey McWannabe) gets the one-on-one date with Emily, leading to even more angst among the other men.  For their date, Joe and Emily get in an impractical vintage car to drive to West Virginia, which is Emily’s home state.  Emily brings Joe to a “resort” that looks like something you’d find at Disney: Appalachia. It’s sort of a cross between Cinderella’s castle, a HoJo, and the hotel from The Shining.

Meanwhile, Joe and Emily have no chemistry. This may be because Joe ALSO has no personality.  Their dinner conversation seems to consist of Joe telling Emily how pretty she is and how psyched he is to be with her in the fancy hotel and Emily saying thank you.  Eventually, Emily asks him where he sees himself in five years and he answers that he sees himself “happy.” When she asks him what that means, he basically says being happy means… being happy. And then he asks her what it means to her.  Touche, Joe.  He asks her if she wants more kids and she tells him she wants a million babies and he says “I don’t want to get married and have kids, like, textbook,” and says that a lot of these things “can’t be planned out.”  Oh, Joe. That was a really stupid answer.

After dinner, Emily and Joe indulge in an uncomfortable local ritual that involves writing down “love wishes” and putting them in a “love clock.”  (By the way, this is suspiciously similar to when Ashley and Constantine, in Taiwan, engaged in a local ritual of writing down love wishes and sending them off in love balloons.  A love clock is somehow sadder, though.).  Joe’s wish is to come back to the hotel with Emily and Ricki and meet Emily’s parents. Her wish was not a wish but was actually a series of platitudes about love.

Turns out, Emily’s not feeling Joe, and at the end of dinner he looks so excited and hopeful and she starts crying and tells him he’s not getting a rose.  He takes it well but she seems really upset.  It’s weird to see a contestant on this show expressing genuine emotion, so I am confused and do not know how to be snarky about this.

After Emily sends Joe packing, she stands on a balcony by herself and watches the fireworks that had been purchased by the producers to celebrate her romantic, successful date with Joe. Oops.

Cocktail party. Arie — hot, hot Arie — gets some alone time with Emily and he seems very personable. And hot.  He’s also laying it on pretty thick with the “I love kids” schtick, which is a good tactic with this one, methinks.   Also, his face.

Then, Ryan gives Emily a letter that is written on a scroll, and makes her read it out loud in a monotone in front of Tony, who is hovering awkwardly on the edge of the room.  The letter is approximately 90 pages long.  This is weird.

Finally, it’s Tony’s turn.  Oh, hey, he shaved his weird facial hair! Good move, Tony.  He tells Emily about his five-year-old son and they actually have a nice conversation.  I like Tony a bit better now that he’s not rocking the soul patch and is being sincere and stuff.

Next, Kalon creeps in and tells Emily how mature he is.  For a 26-year-old.  Blah blah, don’t care, let’s go to the rose ceremony already.

ROSE CEREMONY.  Emily saunters in wearing a purple, one-shouldered Greek goddess style gown that I actually really like, which is why I’m describing it, I guess.  Kalon gets the first rose. I can’t decide if the producers made Emily do that or not. I am going to deny her the benefit of the doubt and say no.  Arie gets the second rose.  More roses are handed out to boring men until finally only THREE boring men are left (and one rose). The last rose goes to Stevie, which means  that Aaron (who looks exactly like Frank from Ali’s season, right?) and Kyle (who?) have to go home.  We’ll all miss them so much.

Real quick, can we talk about the fact that Emily gets to meet Dolly Parton next week?? NO FAIR.

See you next week.

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