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The Bachelorette Drags On

Sorry for blogging the Bachelorette late this week – I got home from my awesome Memorial Day trip to Michigan late last night and wasn’t up to the weird combo of boringness and shit-showiness that is the Bachelorette. So, I’ve steeled myself and am ready for it tonight.  I’m just hoping this week won’t be as deadly boring as last week, but I’m not holding my breath.

Chris gets the first one-on-one date with Emily. By the way, Chris wins the prize for most generic job description ever — he’s a “Corporate Sales Director.” What does that even mean? Trying to picture that job is like trying to draw a puff of smoke.  Anyway, for some reason, Emily thinks Chris is really hot and keeps commenting on it, even though he looks like an only-slightly-more-handsome Randy Quaid.

Of course, since it’s the Bachelorette, their dinner date involves, what else, scaling a building in a harness. Which, of course, is promptly compared with love through a tortured metaphor that makes no sense (“scaling a building is like love — you have to start at the bottom and work your way up” — except, no, you don’t have to do that in love, unless you meet in rehab).  Emily freaks out when a lightning/thunder storm starts and Chris “rescues” her in the hopes of “sharing a kiss” at the top but no such luck — Emily high-fives him instead. Ouch.

At dinner, Emily immediately asks Chris about his last relationship, which lasted six years.  She asks how old he is and he tells her he’s 25 and she acts really weird about it.  She says in a voiceover that Chris “has to understand that [she is] a package deal” and that she is a daughter. Emily, I think he knows. I think they all know. Also, kinda judge-y for someone who had a kid when she was 20, no? The rest of the date consists of Chris trying to convince Emily that he is ready to be a husband and father, which is sweet, but probably not true.   By the end, she’s convinced and gives him a rose.  They celebrate by — wait for it — dancing at a country concert, lest we forget that this season of the Bachelorette is taking place in the South.  Hey, at least it’s not Train.  At the end of a song, Emily lets Chris kiss her and he says it was one of the best things he’s ever experienced in life.  Ugh, Chris, why you gotta give me the sads like that?

Time for the group date with a veritable gaggle of men.  Emily has to hug all of them individually, like a receiving line at a polyamorous wedding.  This date involves Emily’s female friends meeting the dudes and grilling them to reveeal their potential as husbands and fathers.  Her friends look like normal suburban moms, which makes me wonder if they’re real or were scouted by the producers ahead of time.  The women ask tough questions such as “are you ready to be a dad?” and all of the guys say “yes.”  Some highlights:  Travis, the dude with the egg, makes a poor impression, because he is pretty weird.  Fair enough.   Sean, a shy, blonde insurance agent who is into God and, apparently body-building, seems very nervous but also earnest and sweet.  Emily’s friends are extremely impressed with Sean and ask him to disrobe.  I don’t think I’m going out on a limb when I surmise that these ladies are the type who unironically go to male strip clubs.

Next, a bunch of kids are unleashed on the men and it becomes a manic competition among the guys to see who can be the best dad-type with the kids.  “Let’s race! GO!” one of them yells to a frightened child.

Meanwhile, I’m getting a weird vibe from Ryan.  He seems aggressive and kinda smarmy.  And when Emily’s friends are joking around with her about letting herself go after she gets married, Ryan is all, “I wouldn’t be okay with you getting fat.” He goes on to tell her, in no uncertain terms, that he’d be displeased if she “got lazy” and put on weight.  So, okay, if I were the bachelorette, that guy would be outta there RIGHT THAT SECOND. The fact that he has no problem telling a woman he barely knows that if they were married, she’d need to keep herself thin in order to receive affection from him tells me we’re just hitting the tip of the jerk iceberg with this one. Emily, rightfully, is grossed out, and so are her friends, except for one stupid lady, who still likes him.

At the cocktail party, Emily talks to Sean, who puts his hand on her leg (gasp!).  He tells her he’s “selective” and hasn’t dated anyone in over a year. He wants a confident woman but also someone who wants to be led. Hoo boy, here we go.  I’ll just say this: all of these “old fashioned” Southern men make me SO glad I am married to a new-fangled northerner who doesn’t want to “lead” me in marriage but actually wants to be an equal partner to me.  Imagine that! Anyway.  The retro values on this show squick me out, man.  Anyway, all of the God talk and ab-baring must have worked, because Sean gets the group date rose.

Moving on. Tony tells Emily he talked to his son last night and starts to cry.  Emily reassures him in a mom-like way.  Then, later, Doug reassures him in a dad-like way.  Poor Tony.  I kinda feel like he should be trying to date women in his hometown, and not on TV.  Emily comes out to find Tony crying in an alleyway, and in a roundabout way tells him he should go home and be with his kid, and that’s that, he’s outta there.

Arie has the next one-on-one date.  Emily takes him to Dollywood, which I had always assumed was Dolly Parton’s house but apparently is an amusement park? Huh. They go to the theater and Emily pretends that she doesn’t know Dolly Parton is going to be there but obviously she knows, come on.  Emily and Arie pretend to write a “love song” together when Dolly appears.  Surprise (not).  Dolly sings them a song she wrote and then sits down for a chit-chat with Emily.  I’ve gotta say, Dolly looks and sounds amazing – she’s 66 and looks exactly the same as she did in the ’80s.  I love her!

Hot but shady?

Arie and Emily go to dinner and Emily, as per ush, asks Arie about his ex, who has two children (and, it would seem, is also a Bachelorette producer – see  I want to listen to Arie’s story but I’m too distracted by his handsomeness. He also seems kinda smart — I mean, smart in the context of this show, which means he is able to string two sentences together and hasn’t yet used the term “fairy tale.”

Okay, time for the rose-doling.  Emily pretends like she’s not gonna give it to Arie and then does.  Oh, Emily, what a wit you are.  Later, they ride the carousel and make out while Arie strokes her face, which I find a bit off-putting.  The segment ends with an artistic shot of Emily and Arie sucking face.  Yeah, this guy is gonna be in the final two, I’m calling it now.

At the rose ceremony cocktail party, Emily sits Kalon down for a chit-chat. He’s in full Jude Law douche mode.  He tells Emily that he had always pictured his first child being his own.  Then Emily says something in response and he says “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.”  Ick.

Then, egg guy, Travis, decides that it’s time to relinquish the egg, and he lets Emily smash it on the ground.  For all of his weirdness, Travis seems like a nice, if extremely awkward, dude.

Emily and Alessandro, the Brazilian with terrible hair, sit down next.  He tells Emily he doesn’t have experience with kids but he’s willing to “compromise” by marrying her. He tries to convince her that his signing on for her kid would amount to him “compromising,” and Emily is pissed.  She wastes no time and marches Alessandro out the door and tells him tchauzinho. In the cab, he says he couldn’t provide for Emily and her daughter anyway because he is too busy “living like a gypsy king.” Ew.

Emily finds comfort in the arms of Arie by making out with him before the rose ceremony.  Then, Sean sidles up and pulls his go-to move, which is putting his hand on her leg.  He also tells her that he is super psyched to be a dad and could be “the greatest father in the world.” We can get you a mug to that effect, Sean.  Emily and Sean then share an awkward kiss that consists of a lot of pressing their closed lips together and holding still.

Rose ceremony, FINALLY. It’s hard to believe it’s only been two hours since this episode began! Here goes.

JWOF, who I’ve decided looks like a cool lesbian, gets the first rose.  Then Charlie (Brain Injury), Doug (Sleepless in Seattle), Michael (Nerd Hair), Travis (Egg), Alejandro (Token Latino), Ryan (Fatist), John (Wolf), Kalon (Jude Law), and, finally, Nate (who?).  So Stevie, the party DJ, gets sent packing. Bummer!

What a slog.  I will pick this bizz up again next week.


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