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The Bachelorette drones on

Hi! It’s time for the Bachelorette and I’m actually blogging it semi-on-time tonight! I am giving myself a hearty pat on the back for this, since it’s my biggest accomplishment this week.  The preview for tonight’s episode hints that there might be some Doug dramz tonight but I can’t see that filling up more than five minutes of this two-hour long behemoth of a show. But let’s see, shall we?

Chris Harrison materializes to tell the dudes they will be going to Bermuda (home court advantage: Dutch speaking Arie). The men check into their fancy resort and receive their first date card. Doug gets the first date and everyone grudgingly claps.  Poor token Alejandro (who is apparently a mushroom farmer? how did I not notice that before?) is bummed because he’s never had a one-on-one date. Alejandro doesn’t realize he is there merely for legal reasons, to protect ABC against discrimination claims.

Doug is highly nervous and also seems to be an easily riled-up baby who gets annoyed when people rib on him.  Speaking as an easily riled-up baby who gets annoyed when people rib on me,  I can tell Doug with some authority that he needs to chill the eff out.

For their date, Doug and Emily buy tacky knick-knacks and walk around the town. Emily points out that this is what married couples actually do. And as a married person, I can say that yes, Al and I spend most weekends in tropical islands buying glass ornaments in the shape of turtles wearing Santa hats. This date feels very real to me.

During their conversation, Doug explains that he started a “charity” but never says what the charity does.  I call B-S on that, obviously.  Meanwhile, Emily tells him that she can’t picture him ever being grouchy. And he says sometimes he gets a little grouchy. Like that one time he assaulted his baby momma with a weapon, I guess, was one of those times?

Emily tells Doug there is a “Bermudian tradition” that involves walking through an arch and making a love wish.  To play mix ‘n match with your favorite Bachelor producer-invented “local traditions,” in place of “walking through an arch,” substitute in “writing notes and putting them in a clock” OR “writing notes and sending them off in a balloon!”

At dinner, Emily asks Doug what his ex-girlfriend’s biggest complaint would be about him. Um, this, maybe? http://www.wetpaint.com/the-bachelorette/articles/bachelorette-2012-contestant-doug-clerget-has-a-violent-past  Just a guess.  Anyway, Doug does that job interview thing where he names a strength as his weakness (“I just spend too much time with my son”), which obviously reminds me of this:

Emily gives Doug a rose, because she’s decided that he actually IS perfect, which is why he can’t list any of his flaws. Then Doug misses Emily’s obvious signals that she wants him to kiss her and explains it in the third person thusly: “When Emily wants Doug to kiss her, she’ll let Doug know.” Bluh.

Group date – Emily’s taking the guys sailing.  Jeez, they’re still on the dock and I’m already bored.  Even Emily seems bored with this, and she’s there. Plus, these stupid competitive group dates bug me.  They’re out on the boat acting all serious and grunting and stuff and I just want someone to get hit in the head with the boom (but not Charlie! He already has a traumatic brain injury!).  Eventually, one team prevails and the other team gets sent home with no Emily time.

Charlie, who was on the losing team, cries. Oh, Charlie, you’re adorable, but please get a hold of yourself. I’m chalking this one up to the brain injury, guys. Meanwhile, Team D-Bag, including Ryan, gets to spend time with Emily, since they won.  Ryan refers to Emily in a toast as a “beautiful possible trophy wife,” which, while kinda true, is gross, and I think Emily knows she should be offended by it. Arie just sits back and lets Ryan dig his own grave so he can slip away with Emily to sit under a blanket on the beach.  He seems like a smooth operator and I’m pretty sure, if I were in Emily’s sitch and didn’t know his background (the many ladies, the dating of a producer, etc.), I would fall for it. Just being honest – he seems REALLY charming.  Arie and Emily make out on the beach and gosh, I really feel like he’s gonna win this thing.

Next, JWOF gets some alone-time with Emily under that same blanket.  JWOF seems pretty enthused about Emily and she seems not that into it.  Maybe because he looks like a lesbian who looks like Justin Bieber? I don’t know, I kinda dig it, actually.  There’s some long awk pauses after they talk where they stare at each other and JWOF wusses out and doesn’t kiss Emily, and she seems disappointed.  Smooth move, JWOF.

Next, Ryan tells Emily that he’s “not here to impress [her] but to make an impression upon [her].” Dear me.  Emily, being frank, tells Ryan she doesn’t like a lot of the stuff he says and he replies it’s flirtatious so it’s okay. Emily asks him if he’d love her if she gained weight while chasing his kids around. He answers, “God designed you to be a beautiful woman. So be a beautiful woman.” GROSS, right? This guy is HORRIBLE, but I can’t tell if Emily is fed up with this nonsense or not.  Before Emily can say anything in response to his stream of sexist remarks, Ryan rushes into telling her he had hoped she’d take this opportunity to impact people in how she treats men and herself. Huh?  He is basically trying to guilt-trip her for kissing Arie by implying that she’s not holding herself up to a high moral standard. Ryan, come off it.  We all know all questions of decency and morals flew out the window the second everyone arrived at the Bachelor manse.  Let’s not pretend otherwise. At the end of this conversation, Emily, in one of her more astute comments, notes that she feels like she’s being judged by Ryan.

At the end of the group date, JWOF gets the rose. Whoa, JWOF! Guess your shy, KD Lang thing worked for you!

Now it’s time for the awful two-on-one date, inevitably the most painful date of any given season.  In a purposefully dick move, the producers make the two unfortunate men, John and Nate (who?), go to the Bermuda triangle for their date with Emily. Get it, guys? Bermuda triangle? GET IT?

First, Emily takes her two victims to an island to go cliff diving.  One of them says it could be a good “jumping off point” for their relationship. Ugh.  For dinner, they eat in a cave (as you do) and both men insist of holding Emily’s hand as they walk down.  Oh, sigh.  This quickly develops into one of the most awk dates in recent Bachelor memory, and that’s saying something.  To break the excruciating silence, Nate comments that they have been served quinoa, which he pronounces “kee-NO-uh,” and describes as a “great fiber.” Oh, SIGH.

Finally, Nate gets some alone time with Emily.  He is handsome and mild and is probably the cutest guy in his hometown but there’s no way he’s winning this thing, let’s be real.  He tells Emily he was bummed that he got the two-on-one date but he gets it, because he’s kinda boring.  Emily asks what she should know about him and he says “I’m super happy to be here.” Then he chokes up talking about his brother, which prompts Emily to rub his back in a motherly way.  I feel like she’s had to comfort many crying men this season by rubbing their backs in a motherly way.  What is with that? I’m all for men expressing their emotions and whatever, but all of this manly crying is off-putting. Where are we, Italy?

During his alone time, John takes a similar tack to Nate, telling Emily that he didn’t really put himself out there, which is why he was banished to the dreaded two-on-one, but he’s cool with it.  He comes off as a little more confident than Nate and manages not to cry during the conversation, so he wins some points there.  And, sure enough, John gets the rose, while Nate looks like someone skinned a kitten alive in front of him.  I think he’ll definitely cry in the limo.

FINAL COCKTAIL PARTY time.  Not sure what’s gonna happen here. I mean, I feel like Alejandro’s getting sent back to his Colombian mushroom farm, but I dunno about the rest of these peeps.  Let’s see what happens.

Hey, Emily pulls aside Alejandro (there must be a clause in the diversity contract mandating that she do this) and Alejandro tries to convince her that he is passionate, which, obviously he must be, since he’s LATIN.

Creepy Ryan then corners Emily, but Arie decides to try to swoop in and steal away Emily. Ryan is asking Emily to justify why she’s “worthy” of his affections when Arie shows up. Emily seems relieved to be rescued. Or maybe I’m projecting.  Also, is it just me or is Ryan’s head getting weirder and weirder shaped?

In a voiceover, Arie says that Ryan is threatened by “Emily and I’s connection.” Dammit, Arie.  I was willing to forgive your sketchy past but I can’t forgive poor grammar. Okay, yes, I can, but only this once. Strike one, buddy.  Strike one.

Meanwhile, Ryan tells Michael that if things don’t work out with Emily, he’ll just go on “Bachelor Augusta.” Please don’t let that be a thing.

Emily takes Chris (aka Randy Quaid) out for a catch-up and he tries to convince her that even though he’s 25, he’s mature.  I’m not sure she’s buying it.  Doug is hovering around the edges, sending hate vibes towards Chris, because they hate each other, for some reason.  The rivalry between them is stoops and I can’t get myself to care about it, even when Chris decides to confront Doug and ask him why he thinks he’s better for Emily. Doug says, “you’re being immature.” Chris says, “I’m talking to you like a grown-ass man,” and Doug laughs derisively.  I think it’s fair to say that Doug is being an asshat. Also, I feel like telling someone they’re immature is, in itself, immature. This is getting kinda meta.

Before the rose ceremony, Emily sits down with Chris Harrison to discuss her feelings. Boring. Except for when she tells Chris that she is seeing a manipulative side of Ryan and that he’s not pulling anything over on her. I like that.  Kick him to the curb, Emily!

Rose ceremony.  In order: Sean, Arie, Travis, Chris, Ryan (huh?), Kalon, and Alejandro. Wait, seriously? She’s keeping Ryan, who she said she knows is manipulating and judging her, and sent home sweet Charlie and ponytailed Michael? WTF, Emily?  I DON’T GET IT.

That’s all for this week.  I am excited for the upcoming episode where Emily kicks someone off for saying Li’l Ricki is baggage! Stay tuned.

 

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Comments

  1. * Dominique says:

    You are really funny! I just found your blog and now I have to go back and read all your other post… in a non-creepy way. The bachelorette’s one of my favorites too, so thank you for making it even more entertaining!

    | Reply Posted 5 years ago
  2. * eteffi says:

    Thank you! 🙂 I’ve blogged several seasons of Bachelor(ette) so there are lots of archives to catch up on!

    | Reply Posted 5 years ago


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