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The Bachelorette Gets Sassy

This week, Emily and her passel of men are in London and things get heated when one of the men refers to Li’l Ricki as “baggage!!!” Can’t wait to see the Emily smackdown unfold.  We will have to suffer through a solid hour or so of drivel to get to said smackdown, but I have high hopes that it’ll be a good payoff, especially if the man on the receiving end is one of the juicebags that I hate (Ryan, Kalon).

Let’s do this!

The remaining ten men gather in Trafalgar Square for a reminder from Chris Harrison that “only one of you will become Emily’s husband.” Odds of any of these douches becoming Emily’s husband are approximately 1:13994793571092392, but sure.

Sean gets the first one-on-one date. He somehow manages to fit a peacoat over his bulging arm muscles and shows up to meet Emily for their date, which involves riding a double-decker bus around the city.  Emily, clearly reading off of cue cards, pretends to know basic facts about major London landmarks, and Sean, who may or may not know what Big Ben is, seems truly impressed with her vast knowledge.

[Meanwhile, back at the douche ranch, Arie, JWOF, and Kalon are sitting around chatting.  Kalon points out that in real life, any group date with Emily would involve Ricki, and JWOF seems pissed.  I think this is foreshadowing that Kalon is gonna be kicked to the curb, but is pointing out that Emily’s child will be involved in future outings such a terrible thing to say? It’s kinda true – I just think Kalon’s insufferable douchiness is tainting his delivery.]

Back to Emily and Sean: he tells her the last date he went on was 4 to 5 months ago, and the last one before that was a year before that. Whoa, red flag, red flag! He’s either lying or he has some weird thing going on where no woman can ever please him…because he’s secretly gay, mayhaps?  He DOES have good abs, guys.  Emily doesn’t seem concerned by Sean’s revelation but I just don’t think it’s normal for a good-looking guy in his late ’20s to go on one date per year unless he’s a recent widow. What are you hiding underneath those sculpted pecs, Sean??

While walking around London, Emily and Sean “stumble across” some sort of public forum where people are having lively debates about such topics as the protection of freedom of speech, which, by the way, Sean supports “one-hundred percent.”  To prove it, Sean climbs up on a table and begins holding forth about — guess what? — LOVE.  He either wrote down his speech ahead of time and is — surprise — reading it off cue cards, or he is part robot, because wow, is his delivery stiff.  Emily smiles gamely as he rattles on about “an eternal type love” that he’s searching for.

After the speechifying, Sean and Emily (who has inexplicably lost her voice — was she also doing some “spontaneous” public speaking?) go to dinner at the Tower of London and I have to say, this date is legitimately awesome — okay, a bit cheezy but a lot awesome.   Sean tells Emily their date today was the best date he’s ever had and she says “awww.”  They seem like a good match, since they are both blonde and boring. This could work, guys!

Not one to sugarcoat things, Emily tells Sean she wants “a lot of kids” and Sean says he, too, “can’t wait” to have kids.  She asks him how many he wants and he says he wants two and then immediately revises that number upwards when Emily not-so-subtly tells him that she wants a full litter.  Good save, Sean — you get a rose.

Group date time! The men meet Emily at Stratford Upon Avon, which is where Shakespeare was born.  The date involves “doing scenes from Romeo and Juliet.” Hoo boy, this is gonna be bad.  Some unfortunate British woman who is billed as a “Shakespeare expert” is dragged out to add legitimacy to this exercise.  The guys are asked to read some lines from R & J.   They all suck, and some of them seem illiterate (Arie, looking at you).  Since Arie can barely read, he is relegated to playing the (female) nurse and he seems more upset about it than is probably reasonable.  (Side note: what does it say about me that I find Arie hot even dressed as a woman?)

Travis (remember him?) comes out looking good because he is having fun and not taking it too seriously — unlike Kalon, who acts like a pouty child with veneers.  Ryan, meanwhile, uses the play as an excuse to make out with Emily and the toothy British people in the audience are amused at first but quickly grow uncomfortable.  And just when I think Emily has sort of a decent head on her shoulders, she refers to Ryan as “the perfect Romeo.” HUH?

Emily takes the men to a “local pub” (which looks suspiciously like a soundstage) and spends some alone-time with Arie, in which she makes out with him and tells him he’s “the best.”  I’m wondering why they’re setting this up so much with Arie — if he wins, it seems like they’re giving it away, which makes me think maybe he doesn’t win?  I’ve heard people speculate on the interwebs that the producers are spending so much time showcasing how charming Arie is so that people will warm up to the idea of him eventually being the Bachelor. Hmmm….

Ryan gives Emily a necklace and she gushes over it. Wait, are these guys allowed to go out and buy her stuff? If so, why don’t they all do that? Why isn’t Kalon out buying her a Faberge egg? Speaking of Kalon, he calles Emily a “tired, sick mother with a child waiting on her,” which, again, is accurate, but also kinda rude.  And apparently, according to Chris, Kalon said that Emily has a lot of “baggage,” but we don’t actually hear Kalon say that Li’l Ricki  herself is baggage. So, the other guys get all up in arms and pull Kalon aside and ask him if he said that Ricki was baggage and he’s just like, “yeah, I’m not gonna apologize for it,” and tries to spin it like “baggage” is just another word for “responsibility.”

Meanwhile, Doug decides to tell Emily what Kalon said.  Upon receiving the news, Emily says she wants to “rip his limbs off and beat him with them,” which is very specific.  In front of everyone, Doug and Emily confront Kalon about what he said about Li’l Ricki and he tries to backpedal.  Emily’s not buying it.  She asks him if he has anything to say for himself and he says no and she tells him to “get the f*** out.”  She also tells him she’s disappointed in him since he was raised by a single mother.  Kalon is unceremoniously booted from the pub.  In his pensive lorry ride, he says he is a “stand-up guy” but acknowledges he is probably not a man who can make Emily’s life easier.  I dunno.  I mean, if nothing else, they could buy a family plan at the cosmetic dentistry place.

Back at the pub, Emily is upset and wants to be left on her own.  She is questioning why the men didn’t say anything to her earlier about Kalon and now she feels like she can’t trust people.

JWOF and Emily have a one-on-one next.  JWOF shows up wearing some very tight pants, a jacket with leather patches on the elbows, and a bouffant, and Emily takes him to afternoon tea with an etiquette teacher.  Whee! The etiquette teacher, Jean, emphasizes the many rules of British tea etiquette, which will obviously come in handy in Emily’s and JWOF’s daily lives.  Emily and JWOF  are bored and “spontaneously” take off before Jean can come back.  They go to a fish ‘n chips house instead, where JWOF tells Emily that if Li’l Ricki is baggage, she’s a “Chloe handbag that I’ll have forever.” I know JWOF looks like a lesbian but now I’m starting to think he might actually be a lesbian.  He certainly doesn’t help things when he tells Emily that he and Li’l Ricki would have dance parties every night and would sing into their hairbrushes.

Later, Emily and JWOF eat dinner in a ferris wheel and they seem to have a good connection.  JWOF is quite sincere and after dinner, he finally mans up and kisses her.  He comments that Emily is “the kind of girl people write fairy tales about.”   You hear that Hans? Get writing!

ROSE CEREMONY!

Emily seems hung up on the Kalon thing, still.  She asks all the men why they didn’t tell her about Kalon earlier.  Arie seems baffled by Emily’s reaction.  He tells her he doesn’t want to spend their limited time together talking about other people (taking a page from Ben Flajnik’s book, I see) and Emily seems dissatisfied by that answer.  Arie is not used to Emily being upset with him and he doesn’t know how to handle it, other than just continuing to be attractive.  I think that strategy will probably work.

Later, while Emily stands on a balcony, Ryan does a horrid reading from Romeo and Juliet.  She says she “finds [herself] liking him more and more” and makes out with him. Oh, Emily. You’re being dumb.

After making out with Ryan, Emily makes out with Sean and they dance to no music, which makes vomit rise in my throat. Dancing to no music is the worst.

Okay, time for these roses to be doled out.  As a clock chimes ominously in the background, Emily enters and hands out roses to the following: Doug, Ryan (come ON), Chris, John (really?), Travis, and… Arie. Whew! That means poor Alejandro is going home to his mushroom farm.  In his pensive cab ride, Alejandro says he “wasn’t expecting to go home,” which is funny, since he spoke to Emily maybe once, and it was about how they hadn’t really talked, I think?  He definitely cries in the limo, but that’s because he’s Latin.

Next week, the gang is off to Dubrovnik, Croatia. I have been there and I’m kind of grossly envious of these a-holes for getting to go there. Oh, well. I’ll be here to document it anyway. See you then!

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