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The Bachelorette Lays the Smack Down

Hi hi! I’m watching and blogging the Bachelorette in real time tonight and I’m actually really looking forward to seeing Emily eliminate at least a couple of the many douches from her man-harem tonight.

The gang is in Dubrovnik, Croatia and oooooh, I’m so envious.  Gonna try to contain my envy to report on this objectively, as my strict journalistic ethical code requires of me.

Emily shows up at the guys’ hotel and hands out the first date card to Travis (Egg).  On their date, Emily and Egg go to Old City Dubrovnik. (Side note: I’ve been there and it’s AWESOME, and I’m reasonably sure these two bumpkins won’t appreciate it. Just saying.)  Their date involves wandering around the walled city, eating ice cream, and awkwardly chatting.  Oh, and awkwardly dancing! They “wander” into a “random” alley and “spontaneously” dance to some atonal, screechy string music played by a man in traditional Croatian dress.  Egg looks wildly uncomfortable as he flails about in a gallant attempt to be spontaneous, but he is not nearly as uncomfortable as the poor Croat man that ABC forced to fiddle in the alley.

For dinner, Emily takes Egg to a candlelit supper and he toasts her as an “amazing lady,” which is something you pretty much can only say about your aunt or your grandma.  Poor Egg, he is trying really hard, and he seems quite sincere.  I don’t think Emily is digging him at all, though.  She seems weirded out that he hasn’t dated at all since his engagement broke off two years ago.  Egg gets all emotional and misty while he’s talking about it and Emily gives him a fakey-fakey smile.  I don’t have a good feeling about this, guys.  Then, Emily asks Egg what type of girl he normally dates and he says someone with a great “attitude,” just like her.  All of Egg’s sucking up is in vain, because at the end of the date, Emily tells him that while they have a “friendship foundation,” they are missing the romance. I can see poor Egg’s heart breaking (much like his ill-fated ostrich egg) as she talks.  He is sent packing and he takes it pretty well, except when he tosses his umbrella away as he is walking through the rain.  A touch dramatic, Egg.

Group date! Emily takes the guys to the theater to see Brave, which is a Disney movie, which is owned by ABC! And all the guys have to talk about the movie! And how awesome it is! No pressure from the network at all!  This is boring, so I fast-forward for a while and when I stop, Emily is telling the guys they have to wear kilts for some reason? Wait, I thought they were in Croatia?  Huh? And why are they riding donkeys?

Once kilted up, the men make a lot of dumb-ass comments about how they’re embarrassed to wear skirts. They clearly don’t know that it takes a real man to rock a kilt.

K, so for some reason, Emily is making the men compete in highland games, because, you know, why not.  The first event is archery.  I am tempted to fast-forward over this, but I’m resisting on the off-chance that someone gets arrowed in the head.  Okay, no luck.  Next is the caber toss. Maybe someone will get cabered? No luck again. Dang.

Most of the guys are pretty good at the caber toss but giant-armed Sean beats everyone when he actually breaks the log.  Yikes.  Next, the guys do some sort of vaguely homoerotic competition where they have to sit facing each other, legs spread, and pull on a bar.  Chris challenges Doug, whose arms are freakishly ginormous, and loses within 5 seconds. Poor Chris. But at least he gets a pity prize out of it in the end; Emily gives him a trophy for being the “bravest,” which is the equivalent of giving the spazzy kid on the soccer team a “good effort” prize just for showing up.

Later, at the cocktail party, Sean puts the moves on, telling Emily about his “fillings” and nervously sticking his tongue out in an off-putting way.  Emily reassures him that he is still in the running for her heart, and they share a chaste kiss.

Meanwhile, Arie is worried about where he and Emily left things in London (i.e., her accusing him of not sticking up for her) and he apologizes to her for that whole kerfuffle.  She forgives him and they make out to the soft strains of guitar.

Now it’s JWOF’s turn. He scores points in my book by immediately offering her his jacket. Aw, JWOF. So chivalrous.  He and Emily sit under a bright orange blanket and he tells her she gives him “the type of feeling people write novels about.” Last week he told her that she was the type of girl people wrote fairy tales about. I can’t help but think this is a downgrade.

Emily asks JWOF what took him so long to kiss her, and he replies that he was scared of her.  Then they make out.

Chris, sensing danger, finds Emily and tells her that he’s “in this forever,” which seems a bit forward.  But apparently, Chris’s pledge of eternal commitment works because Emily gives him a rose. I’m confused by this turn of events. Chris sucks at caber tossing and he looks like Randy Quaid. Am I missing something?

Now it’s time for Creepy Ryan’s second one-on-one date. Chris lets us know that Ryan “shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs.”  That’s grounds for dumpage right there, in my book.  Rule number 1 for a successful marriage: don’t marry a man who plucks his finger hairs.  That’s just elementary.

Emily comes to pick up Ryan and he says “the world’s our oyster, and you’re the pearl,” and all the dudes hate on him behind his back, which, fair enough.  You know what else sucks about Ryan? He’s this awful combo of pushy and condescending. He talks to Emily like she’s a child and I get that’s his lame way of flirting but yuck, you know? He’s also super arrogant and self-centered. He says that Emily might be the “woman that God has chosen for [him].” Because it’s all about him. Well, God does work in mysterious ways, including through tasteless reality TV, am I right?

Ryan informs Emily, again, that she is gonna make a fabulous trophy of a wife and she doesn’t seem as grossed out by this as she should.  She says she is going “back and forth” on her feelings for Ryan, which is baffling. What is there to go back and forth on? The guy’s terrible and, worst of all, he has a weird shaped head.  Someone needs to make Emily stare at that head long and hard and then ask her if she’s still going back and forth.

At dinner, Ryan turns on the smarm. Emily asks him what role he sees his wife playing in his life and he says “more than a trophy.” Yet, he then asks Emily how she could envision being more than just a trophy wife when she wears such a sexy outfit to dinner. Oh, bluh. Ryan tries to patch things up by saying “the trophy is not what you’re wearing, but who you are.”  Good save, Ryan.  He immediately wrecks everything again when he whips out a handwritten list of 12 things he wants in a woman.  Because we asked!  Some of the qualities that Ryan demands in a wife include: nurturing, encouraging, and loyal. Needy, much?  Another desirable quality, no joke, is “sexy personality.” I can’t even with this one.

Emily tells Ryan that she doesn’t want to have to constantly try to be perfect around him, and she doesn’t want to get married because she fits into someone’s “mold.”  Then, she picks up the rose and tells Ryan that his list of what he wants in a partner doesn’t match up to hers.  At the top of her list would be a “loving family, not a perfect one.” Ooh, burn, Emily!

She doesn’t give him the rose and he sits in stunned silence, and for a second, I’m kinda afraid he’s going to hit her.  Then he says in a weird, choked voice, “That is very shocking.”  He tries to talk her out of her decision and sort of guilt her into giving him a rose, and ew, is he crying?? He tells her, through sniffles, that she’s making the wrong choice. Serial killer music plays.   She seems to waver a little bit and tells him she doesn’t know if she’s making the right choice, and he asks her why he can’t have the opportunity to “show [her] the man that [he is].”

To her credit, Emily sticks to her guns and boots Creepy Ryan. Whew, she had me worried there for a sec.  Ryan, who is not a gracious loser, makes sure to tell Emily that he doesn’t want their time to end and that he is surprised she’s “giving up on the potential that can be here.”  No luck; Emily walks Ryan and his perfectly manicured facial hair out the door.  He shuffles off down the quiet streets of Dubrovnik in his blue suede shoes (really?) and tells the camera that Emily “is making the wrong decision” and that he “doubt[s] she’ll find the right guy for her here.” Way to take the high road, Ryan.  He also says he’s sure the guys are sad to see him go (*cut to shot of the guys boistrously celebrating that Ryan is leaving*).  Ryan gets a pensive taxi ride to the airport and talks a lot of jibberish about the “great men of the world” who have fallen down and got back up and whatever, whatever, whatever. All of this self-aggrandizing jibber jabber is kinda giving me a biiiit of a cult-leader vibe.  I mean, I could see Ryan maybe starting a religious colony in the jungle. Maybe feeding some people some cyanide Koolaid. Maybe gunning down a congressman who has come to rescue his followers. Just saying.

Arie, whose hair is looking very Dragon Ball Z tonight, shows up at Emily’s quarters after her date and she seems psyched to see him. Arie tells Emily that he’s encouraged to see that she’s a good judge of character and that Ryan would be a bad husband.  Not to put too fine a point on it, or anything.  Emily rewards Arie by letting him sit in her bed and giving him a rose.  They make out and their lips make loud smacking sounds. I feel like the sentence I just wrote could have been written by an autistic child.  Not apologizing for it.

Whoa, at the end of this, Arie says he is “definitely in love with Emily.” He skipped right over the “falling for” and “falling in love with” phases. This is serious, you guys. This is really serious.

Rose ceremony. Emily shows up in a dress made out of ice and snow and asks John for some alone time, since he is the one who has impressed her the least so far.  In a desperate move, he shows her his grandparents’ funeral cards, which he carries around in his wallet, and tears up.  I don’t think the guys on this show get that crying is not the quickest way to Emily’s heart.  But they keep on doing it, don’t they?  But wait, now Emily starts crying (yikes) and says how grateful she is that John shared this with her.  Then they make out. Whaaat?  Who knew the ol’ dead grandparents ploy would do the trick?

Now it’s time for Emily to grill Doug, who is also on the chopping block tonight.  He tells Emily he feels like he’s behind the rest of the guys.  She puts his arm around her and he seems uncomfortable and says he’s “shy.”  He’s a grown-ass man and he’s scared to put his arm around her? C’mon, Doug. Just c’mon. Emily tells him to stop being so humble and to be more confident (i.e., stop being a whiny baby).  He fails at this.  I think Doug’s hitting the road tonight.

K, time for Emily to hand out the roses, finally.  It goes: 1) Sean, 2) JWOF, 3) Arie, and 4) …. Emily walks off the set. Huh.  She finds Chris Harrison, who may or may not be smoking a cigarette in the alley, where he lives, and she says she doesn’t know what to do.  After a moment, she goes back in to the room where the guys are waiting and tells John and Doug that she’s second-guessing her decisions and that she’s not going to hand out the final rose.  Then, out of nowhere, Chris Harrison appears with TWO ROSES. Tricky tricky.  She gets to keep both boring men, after all! What an uplifting ending to the past two hours of nonsense.

See you next week in Prague!


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