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The Bachelorette Czechs In

Emily and the gang are in Prague, ready to take the next step on their “journey.”  We’re down to six men now – crap’s getting real. [Side note: I just ate dinner – a salad – and now for some reason my apartment is filled with the overpowering smell of grilled cheese. So I’m either having a stroke or a nearby cheese/bread factory is burning down OR a kind neighbor has left me a tray of piping hot grilled cheese sandwiches outside my door. Fingers crossed for number 3).

Arie gets the first one-on-one date and he is “stoked.” Chris, meanwhile, barely holds back his tears of disappointment.

Emily takes Arie strolling around Prague, which bears more than a passing resemblance to Disney World.  Arie and Emily drink hot wine out of bright green cups and make out in front of a cathedral.  But all is not right in Bacheloretteland: Emily knows something about Arie that he’s not telling her – dun dun DUNNNN!! Emily knows that Arie used to date (“very briefly,” Chris Harrison assures us) one of the producers of the show, but he hasn’t brought it up yet. And Emily’s gonna get to the bottom of it, gull durnit.

So what’s the deal?  Clarissa Harrison explains it all: “Arie had a very brief relationship with Bachelor producer Cassie Lambert.” Cassie told Emily about it “as soon as it became apparent that Emily had developed serious feelings for Arie.”  So Cassie interviews Emily on camera about this whole sitch, telling Emily that she (Cassie) has only seen Arie twice in ten years and barely knows him anymore.  Emily says okay, whatevz, but she wishes Arie had told her early on. Fair enough.

On their date, Emily grills Arie about whether he’s been “open” to her. He says yes. She asks him if he’s trustworthy and he says yes.  Then she asks him whether he believes in having “no secrets” and he says yes.  Somehow, Arie resists these uber-subtle interrogation tactics and doesn’t tell Emily about his past with Cassie. Instead, Arie reveals another big secret — that he had a tattoo of a woman’s name that he once dated.  Oh, Arie, you dolt. No one cares about that.  Tell her about Cassie, already!

Chris Harrison pops up to tell us that Emily decided that Arie’s past relationship with Cassie would not affect her relationship with Arie, after all. So everything’s hunky-dory again, hooray! Resume making out… now.  Later, as they sit by the water, Arie tells Emily that he loves her. He’s not “falling in love” with her or “falling for” her – he LOVES her. Straight up, Paula Abdul style.  Emily smiles and says that makes her happy and that “if things keep going this way, nothing would make me happier.” Nothing would make her happier than what? Don’t leave us hanging, Emily! Nothing would make you happier than WHAT??

Time for John’s one-on-one date. John and Emily take a boat somewhere and John drops the word “vulnerable” a lot.  Then, they walk around the streets of Prague and come across the John Lennon wall, which is a wall with lots of paint and graffiti on it.  Then, they walk to a fence covered with discarded locks.  Emily just happens to have a lock on hand, so Emily and John write a message on it and then attempt to stick it on the fence.  It doesn’t go well and they rightly determine their love is doomed.

After the lock fiasco, they head off to eat dinner at a villa. It looks romantic but these two have about as much chemistry as a pair of old socks.  Most of their dinner convo consists of John telling Emily a sad story about how his ex cheated on him with a doctor.   This story, much like his story last week about his dead grandparents, succeeds only in making Emily feel sorry for him.  She is giving him a pitying look when he tells her how much his parents would love her and how she and his mom would be “two peas in a pod.” This makes me uncomf.  But he doesn’t get sent home, so what do I know.

Back at the ranch, Chris is whining because he is “tired” of doing this.  He gets up to make himself a drink (good coping skills, Chris) and pensively stares out the window at the mansion’s backyard.  A sad violin plays.  Too bad those masked gunmen burst into Chris’s house and forced him to sign an agreement to go on this dating reality show or they’d murder his parents, eh?  Tough stuff, Chris. Tough stuff.  Later, the guys find out that Doug, Sean, and Chris are going on a group date and Chris goes from being kinda mopey to clinically depressed.  Making things even worse, John strides back in bragging about his awesome date with Emily.  Someone put Chris on suicide watch.

Sean takes this opportunity to be a big weirdo and run around the streets of Prague calling Emily’s name to try to find her.  Can I just say, if a woman ever did this, she’d be labeled the biggest psycho this side of the Bates Motel, right?  Why is this considered gallant just because a man is doing it? After some aimless jogging, Sean *somehow* finds Emily on the street (hint: producers) and she seems pleasantly surprised to see him. Sean has this weird, forced smile on her face as he tells her that he just “had to see [her].”  They kiss a little bit and Emily says that she loves Sean’s “confidence.”  They go to a bar, which just happens to be abandoned, what luck, and Emily tells Sean how happy she is to be with him. They spend their entire time together making out and I gotta say, Emily really seems to be buying what Sean and his giant arms are selling.

Group date! Emily and the dudes take a horse-drawn carriage to a castle.  Doug sucks up to Emily and calls her a “gracious hostess” and she seems bored with him and his empty compliments.  She and Doug go to a little alcove by a stained-glass window and Doug says he wants Emily to meet his kid. His knee accidentally touches Emily and he immediately apologizes. She says it’s okay that their legs touched and he gets weirdly defensive. Emily is weirded out, because, come on, he’s being weird. They leave the castle and stand under an umbrella and Emily tells Doug that he’s just moving too slow for her.  In the middle of her sentence, Doug, whose brain is apparently on a delay (just like the Super Bowl), at that moment leans forward and kisses her.  She doesn’t know how to react so she thanks him, and he says “yep,” like he had just held the door for her at the DMV. Oh, man.  This is more horrible than I expected.  Emily tells Doug he should go home and see his son and he says, bitterly, that he feels stupid for giving her a kiss. Then he hugs her and tells her to “have a good one.” Then, after bidding Emily adieu with the same level of intimacy with which one might say goodbye to the cable guy, Doug cries in his pensive limo ride. Men!

After Emily sends Doug home, the date devolves into an awk two-on-one with Chris and Sean. Emily gives them each a key, only one of which unlocks a door, to find out who gets the first one-on-one session with her.  Oh, an added layer of conceit that this show desperately needed.  Great.  Sean gets the first alone time session.  Emily tells him that she “woke up smiling” after last night, which kiiiinda makes it sound like they had sex, except judging by their long, closed-mouth, pursed-lip kiss, I’d say probably not. Meanwhile, Chris paces restlessly in his ugly suede boots.

During their one-on-one time, Chris tells Emily he’s upset with her for not giving him a one-on-one.  She sort of murmurs apologies and he whines a little more and she rewards him by making out with him. Chris says that Emily “makes [him] feel better about [himself],” which is just Patheticsville.

The two-on-one is drawing to a close, and Emily has a rose to give out now. Obviously — OBVIOUSLY — Sean gets it.  Emily pats Chris’s hand reassuringly and asks him not to take it personally. He looks murderous and turns his head away and grinds his jaw.  He says in a voiceover that if he doesn’t get a hometown date, he’ll be scared for anyone around him, which is a tad unsettling, no?

Time for Emily’s one-on-one date with JWOF!  You know what? I like JWOF and am looking forward to their date, even though it might go on record as one of the creepier Bachelor(ette) dates in recent memory — that’s right, it revolves around marionettes. And when I think of marionettes, I think of this:

Their date is only slightly less horrifying: they encounter a Czech Giapetto on the street and go into his store to play with the marionettes, with their cold, lifeless eyes. By the way, JWOF is shockingly good at puppetry.  Not sure how I feel about that. Bad, I think.

At the end of the date, JWOF buys Li’l Ricki a princess marionette and, okay — well played, JWOF.  They walk down the road with their puppets and step into a really beautiful library.  Rather than sitting quietly and enjoying the atmosphere, Emily and JWOF decide to reenact when they first met…with puppets. I can’t even try to sum up this interaction because it’s painful and weird. This reminds me SO HARD of this scene from What About Bob (starting at 2:40):

I apologize for all the puppet videos in this post.

I do like JWOF, though. He seems genuinely sweet and kinda funny and like a semi-normal person.  I mean, watch him turn into a total monster the second he becomes The Bachelor, but for right now, I like him.  While lying on the floor of the library, JWOF tells Emily a little bit about his family and hints that they are Mormon but doesn’t actually say they are Mormon.  I get the sense that JWOF is one of them fallen Morms, so I wonder if there’s some tension there with his parents? Maybe things haven’t been the same since he came out as a lesbian.

Now JWOF is asking Emily how soon she wants more kids and she says “yesterday.” WE GET IT, YOU WANT MORE KIDS.

K, rose ceremony time.  Emily sits down with Chris Harrison to tell him that she has her mind made up and doesn’t want to go through a cocktail party.  Chris (Quaid, not Harrison) is freaking out at the possibility of getting sent home.  He paces around and cries and nods a lot. He’s “not ready for this to be over” and is convinced he’s “the best man for [Emily].”  So delusional, this one.

Rose ceremony! Emily gives the final roses to: 1) JWOF, 2) Arie, and 3) — whoa, Chris interrupts her just as she is about to give out the last rose. He is so agitated he looks like he just overdosed — maybe on meth? — and the other guys try not to laugh at him.  Chris takes Emily aside and talks a whole lot of nonsense about how ready he is to be with her and how he’s “falling in love” with her.  Emily says she is “grateful” for that.  Chris keeps right on talkin’! He lets her know that he’s “never ready for it to end,” which is probably the most serial killery line anyone has uttered this season.  Oh, except for a few minutes ago when Chris threatened to do bodily harm to anyone in his vicinity if he didn’t get a hometown date.

Emily walks Chris back in and he wipes his eyes and rejoins the firing line.  And after all of that, Emily gives the rose to… Chris! Wow. I can’t believe that worked. Acting like a big p***y and crying is enough to get you a pity rose in this joint? Sheesh. Emily walks out poor reject John. Chris is giddy with joy.  John gets carted away for his pensive limo ride and keeps it together – no tears. You stay classy, John.

Tune in next week for HOMETOWN DATES!

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