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The Bachelorette Enters the Fantasy Suite

Big episode of the Bachelorette tonight, guys. Dolphins! Fantasy Suites! Helicopters! Tears! I can’t wait!

The gang is in Curacao this week and I am super envious, because I’ve wanted to go there ever since I read The Cay in fifth grade, even though I guess technically that book took place on a cay near Curacao and not on Curacao itself. And technically, the main character was actually escaping Curacao, which is how he ended up on the cay in the first place. But whatever.

Okay, so as I was writing all that about Curacao, I have not been listening at all to Emily summarizing all of her “relationships” with the three remaining men.  And since I already missed her whole description of her “connection” with Sean, I might as well fast-forward over her boring recaps of Arie and Jef with One Eff (JWOF), too.

K, now we’re looking at Emily sitting by herself on a rock, staring wistfully out to sea.  She tells us how she wants a “fairy tale ending” as she writes “Emily + ?” in the sand, and then watches as the tide washes away the “+ ?”.  Shit’s getting deep over here.

Emily’s first date is with Sean, who shows up wearing a deep, DEEP V-neck tee-shirt.  He’s pulling out all the stops now! Maybe he’s hoping the sight of his exposed clavicle will awaken some long-dormant passion in Emily. Emily, meanwhile, points out that Sean hasn’t said “I love you” to her, so she can’t let herself “go there” yet. But she dutifully climbs into the helicopter nonetheless so that she and Sean can take their obligatory helicopter ride around the island as soaring music plays.  Oh and guess what, guys?? They’re going to their own “private island.” Because that’s never been done before on this show! I mean, not since last season, anyway!

They set out a blanket and sit by the water and discuss Emily’s visit with Sean’s family, who apparently told Emily that Sean had treated his ex-girlfriends like “buddies.” Sean admits that this is true, that he wasn’t the most affectionate boyfriend to his ex, but it was only because he wasn’t in love with her. This is not reassuring, Sean. Emily keeps on grilling him about why he is so “detached” in relationships and he tries to convince her that he’s affectionate. But he still can’t say those three little words that she so obviously wants to hear, even though she doesn’t seem that into him. Some little alert light in Sean’s brain is flashing, telling him to do something, anything, but there is a circuit misfire and instead he says, “Um, I forgot what I was gonna say.” Smooth. Emily is clearly not impressed with Sean’s hemming and hawing. In fact, she seems positively underwhelmed by the whole date, even when Sean takes off his shirt.

They snorkel a bit and then go to dinner on the beach. Emily tells Sean she thinks he’s the “perfect man.” When he says he’s not actually perfect, she asks what’s “not perfect” about him. If I were playing a drinking game where you had to drink every time someone said perfect, I’d be deep into alcohol poisoning at this point (assuming I had already been drinking heavily before this scene started). Emily keeps trying to wheedle an “I love you” out of Sean, to no avail.  The best he can do is to reassure her that he won’t get distracted by anyone else. Which I guess is meant to allay Emily’s fears about Sean and Arie running off together? He also tells her that she shouldn’t worry about how he’d fit into her life, and she snaps, “it’s not just me, it’s Ricki and I.” I think she means Ricki and me, but okay, point taken, she’s had it with this guy. He says he’s “ready for that” and he wants to be a “soccer dad.” Blech.

Uh oh, Sean wrote Ricki a letter. Oh, no, and he’s reading it aloud to Emily. It’s too painful to summarize but suffice it to say it uses the words “shower” “God” and “overwhelm.”  Emily thanks Sean and says he “represents what… everybody looks for in a husband and a dad.” Which I think is her way of telling him he’ll be fine after she dumps him on TV.  Sean responds by telling her that he can’t “picture [his] life without” her. Huh. Maybe try picturing your life three weeks ago?

Finally, at the end of this painful conversation, Sean FINALLY tells Emily he has fallen in love with her and they share this awkward, passionless kiss during which neither of them move their heads or mouths but he kneads her thigh with three fingers.  MAKE IT STOP.

After the kiss mercifully sputters to an end, Emily gives Sean a Fantasy Suite card and he accepts. Then, as these contestants are wont to do, Sean makes a ridiculously misguided remark about relationships: “I’m really excited to spend time with her, no distractions, because this is how it’s going to be for the rest of our lives.” Have these people ever not lived on a reality show? What he just said is the exact opposite of how things are going to be for the rest of their lives. No distractions? She has a SIX YEAR OLD, you dingbat!

In the Fantasy Suite, Sean and Emily sit in a hot-tub and make out to break the silence.  Emily says “every fiber” in her body is telling her to let Sean stay the night, but her gut is telling her to call it a night.  Apparently her gut (which is not made of fibers?) wins and she sends Sean packing because she doesn’t want to set a bad example for her daughter. Which I respect, except remember when she accepted Brad’s Fantasy Suite invitation and spent the night and had sex with him and that was televised? Oops. Let’s hope Lil’ Ricki never discovers the internet.

Now it’s JWOF’s turn. He admits there are “some obstacles” left, such as the two other men Emily’s also dating. JWOF and Emily board a boat and rehash Emily’s visit to Utah.  JWOF tells Emily that his family “approves” of her. [Unstated subtext: as long as she converts to Mormonism]. JWOF asks Emily if she thinks he’d be a good parent and she says yes because he’s “fun.” Right, number one criteria for being a good parent. Funness. Which is why drunk people make fantastic parents!

Next, JWOF makes an overwrought metaphor about his relationship with Emily being a “painting” and a “masterpiece” and ugh, come on, JWOF.

They jump into the water a bunch of different times for their obligatory making-out-in-body-of-water shots. Then they get back on the boat and make out some more. See photographic evidence below.

Later, Emily and JWOF go to dinner and he peppers her with questions. He asks her where she’d want to live, and she answers she loves the idea of starting “a whole new life” somewhere else (as long as it’s not Salt Lake City). JWOF says he also wants a “fresh start.” Then he asks her why her past relationships haven’t worked out. Emily says, and I quote: “if you don’t have that unspoken, like, I don’t know, you know what I’m saying?” Yeah, that.

Emily tells JWOF he is perfect on paper but also has qualities that can’t be put on paper, like the physics involved with getting his hair to stay like that, I guess?  They keep telling each other how much they like each other, and making out, and then JWOF asks her whether he is a “good fit” to be Ricki’s stepdad, and whether she can “pitcher” him being a part of Ricki’s life. Emily gives him a long-winded answer that amounts to: yes, she can pitcher it. And honestly, the way these two are talking to each other, I think JWOF is gonna win this thing, despite his stupid pronunciation of the word “picture.”

At the end of dinner, Emily gives JWOF a Fantasy Suite card and he says that “it would be awesome” to have a sleepover, but out of respect for their families, they shouldn’t do it. Oh, whoa. Mind kinda blown right now. Did someone just — gasp! — turn down the FANTASY SUITE?? Emily says she is “thankful that [he] responded that way.” What?? What is happening right now??

Instead of engaging in the dead-eyed, loveless, hot-tub-stinking sex that ensues in the Fantasy Suite, JWOF and Emily decide to use their Fantasy Suite to just hang out. JWOF puts some Indigo Girls on the stereo and they just lie there and talk about their dreams, you know?

Time for Arie’s date. Five seconds into the date and they’re already playing tongue hockey, these crazy kids! They take a  quick break from licking each other’s tonsils to swim with the dolphins, which reminds me of my husband’s favorite New Yorker cartoon ever, by Paul Noth:

Ha!

Emily is kinda freaked out by the dolphins, which I feel. Let’s be real, dolphins are freaky. They’re smarter than we are, they have sonar, and they weigh like 600 pounds. Arie bravely protects Emily from the murderous dolphins, which proves to her that he would be “a great dad.” Again, I am sort of questioning Emily’s criteria of what makes a great dad. So far, we know that the guy has to be fun and have good dolphin evasion skills.

Meanwhile, Emily says she needs to figure out if there’s more to her relationship with Arie than just chemistry. (Answer: no.) She asks Arie what he does on a typical Tuesday morning and he says when he’s in town and not racing, he gets up at 9 am. Ruh-roh, guys, Emily gets up at 6 am. He also says he eats out almost every meal. Emily sips her wine disapprovingly.

Arie asks Emily where she “pitchers” them living. (Side note: have these people ever seen the word “picture” written out? I am guessing no). Emily answers that she’d move to Scottsdale with him but she has to do what’s best for Ricki. Arie asks what she’s looking for in terms of a “father figure” for Ricki, and she says she just wants someone to love her kid. Arie responds that relationship has to build slowly. Wow, what a sensible conversation. This is weird.

Aaand cue more making out. In a voiceover, Emily says that “as a role model and as a mother,” she can’t give Arie a Fantasy Suite card because she doesn’t trust herself with Arie. Dang.

Emily has some tough decisions to make now. She puts on a sparkly skirt, reminiscent of a mermaid’s tail, and goes to meet Chris Harrison for a fireside chat. The gist of the conversation is that Emily is confused but she has followed her heart. Huh?

Chris Harrison then tells Emily that they’ve added in a new feature to the show in which each guy leaves Emily a “personalized video message” in which they try to emotionally manipulate her into picking them. Oh, boy!

In Sean’s video, he says he came in to this process “so cynical.” I think he doesn’t understand what cynical means. He says he looks forward to being a father to her “dotter” (these people and their diction, cripes) and living the rest of their lives in “pure happiness.” Emily watches this message stone-faced. When JWOF comes on and tells her a bunch of mooshy (but pretty sweet) stuff, she looks like she’s trying not to smile, but she also wipes away a tear. Arie, who is clearly reading from cue cards about his feelings for her, provokes even more tears. She cries about how she feels bad about hurting someone and blah blah, who cares, get to the rose ceremony already. I fast forward over the part where Emily peruses the guys’ photos and I land on Chris Harrison giving the men a somber speech about how one of them will be going home tonight. We know, Chris Harrison.

Finally, Emily emerges. She tells the guys she cares about them and is “sorry.” Then she picks up the first rose, which goes to…

… JWOF.

*Dramatic piano music.*

The next rose goes to… [Ugh, I’m actually nervous!]

*Dramatic piano and violin music*

…Arie!

Sean immediately tears up, because he actually thought he was going to marry this lady! Aw, bless. Chris Harrison emerges from his dungeon to tell Sean to say his goodbyes.  Sean exchanges thumpy man hugs with the other two and then Emily walks him out. They sit down on a bench and Emily sniffles and Sean rubs his hands together. Finally, he says “I’m not sure what to say.” Awkward silence. This is bad. Then, finally, he says, “I feel kinda stupid, because I knew with certainty that I was ready to spend forever with you, and I didn’t see this coming.” Ouch — the raw sincerity! Then Emily starts to bawl.

Sean tells her he’s gonna miss her more than she knows but she has to do what’s best for her. Hmm, he’s handling this pretty well. I was hoping for some immature lashing out, Chris Bukowski-style, but Sean’s letting me down by being a grown-up. A stupid grown-up, sure, but a grown-up nonetheless.

Emily packs Sean into his Pensive Limo and he cries and rubs his face. To his credit, he keeps his mouth shut and just looks pained. First rule of the Pensive Limo ride: always keep your mouth shut — stoic silence is ALWAYS the way to go. Oh, no, wait, now he’s talking. Ohhhh no. Here is what he says: “Honestly, when she walked out tonight, I thought, ‘that’s my wife.’ I knew that I was gonna marry her. It hurts. It hurts a lot more than I can probably describe.” Ugh, STOP, Sean. STOP. But he doesn’t stop. He goes on to say that he pitchered himself having a big family with Emily and now the “beautiful pitcher” of their life together is gone. Aw, it’s okay, Sean, you’ll meet someone on the Bachelor Pad.

Emily, meanwhile, sits in her mermaid skirt and sniffles loudly, trying to gather herself for her remaining two suitors.

And that’s it. Kinda anticlimactic, really.

But next week is the big week, guys. Get ready. Get so ready.

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