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Da Men Tell All

K, warning: I am not gonna live-blog the Men Tell All special. Not worth it, guys. But I will share a few thoughts, stream of consciousness style, in bullet form:

  • Chris Harrison is definitely phoning this thing in tonight. I’m sensing that his divorce has made him lose faith in true love.
  • They show a recap of some of the highlights of Emily’s season, including Chris Bukowski’s dancing, and oh dear, oh dear, oh no, I can’t even watch it, because it hurts me.
  • Bachelor Pad promo: I don’t watch this mess and I kinda feel like it’s too late for me to jump in the Bachelor Pad pool. And you all know I love crazy, but this shizz is even too crazy for me. Although I do feel like there was some “creative” editing to make things seem more dramatic on the show than they probably actually were. Example: they play threatening music and show someone walking briskly, holding a large kitchen knife — scaaaary, except the knife has little flecks of spinach on it and it’s clearly just footage of someone making dinner.
  • Another thing that bothers me about the Bachelor Pad is the whole competing for money aspect. Because that really takes the bloom off the rose, doesn’t it? At least with the Bachelor/ette, there’s the threadbare pretense that it’s all about love. Sure, it’s not actually about love, but we all pretend it’s about love, and therein lies the fun.  Seeing people just blatantly competing for cash and fame sort of takes the ironic thrill out of the whole enterprise.
  • Final thing about Bachelor Pad: I don’t know who a lot of these people are, I guess because they were all rejects from seasons predating the Jake Pavelka season, which is when I started watching, and therefore I don’t care about them.  The addition of “fans” — i.e., people who have never been on a Bachelor show but who were desperate enough to enter and “lucky” enough to win a contest to get cast on the Bachelor Pad — to the mix is not interesting to me, except to the extent that the non-fan members of the house (i.e., the rejects from previous Bachelor/ette seasons) get all uppity because they are F-list celebrities and these fans are only soon-to-be-F-list celebrities, aka, nobodies.   I love seeing people with a tenuous degree of “fame” clinging to it with all their might and acting superior to other people who are only marginally less famous.  It’s cute.
  • Meanwhile, all I can think about as I watch this stupid promo is how much I want to be watching the RHOOC reunion.  I wanna see the ladies tell Vicky how they *really* feel about Brooks! Me-OW!
  • Okay, back to this.  They are re-introducing all the losers who got kicked off of Emily’s season and ew, ugh, Ryan does that thing where he sticks out his tongue and smiles, which I hate so much.  Sean gets thunderous applause and squeals. Kalon gets boos.
  • Peeps are trying to use fancy words and failing. Example. Actual sentence spoken by John “Wolf” to Ryan, word for word: “You kinda talked down to us that we were inadequate for Emily, like, we didn’t measure up, and that’s what rubbed — I think everybody here, we can all kind of say that Ryan kinda put himself on an upper echelon of the level of he didn’t see us where we were at.” HUH?
  • Kalon’s big fake teeth are so big and fake that it looks like he’s wearing a mouth guard.
  • Brain injury Charlie pipes up and he’s so cute.  I wish he had stayed longer.
  • When Kalon’s in the hot seat, I know this is supposed to be shocking and scandalous and whatever, but I’m bored. Dude, how is this show 2 hours long? I don’t know if I can watch this whole thing.
  • Why is Ryan orange? Did he overdose on carrots? Also, did he gain weight? His face looks wider. And oranger. So much oranger.
  • Chris Bukowski has no sense of humor and is a whiny baby. I want to reach through the screen and smack him. He’s making Ryan look good by comparison, which is no small task.  When he starts crying on the hot seat? Blech. Just blech.
  • Oof, am I actually gonna watch this whole thing? I think I’m gonna take a leeeettle break and just see what’s going on with the RHOOC reunion… and oh my GOSH, it’s so much better than Men Tell All. I love the Gretchen-Alexis fight about who was better at hosting “lifestyle” segments on Fox 5! This is amazing. When they pull up their emails to prove who got offered the job first?? Aaah, loving this so hard.
  • Okay, back to stupid Men Tell All. Sean and his ginormous biceps are on the hot seat. I gotta say, Sean does not seem like the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but he does seem sincere and like a nice dude. I hope he doesn’t sully himself by going on Bachelor Pad and bumping uglies with some floozy in a hot tub, or by hosting wet tee-shirt contests in Vegas, or whatever else it is that Bachelorette rejects do to stay relevant.
  • Next they trot Emily out. She talks about how great Sean is and says, “What girl wouldn’t want Sean?” Um. You?
  • Then she rails on Kalon for a while, and he looks uncomfortable and tries to cover his giant, fake choppers with his shiny lips.  He deserves all of this, by the way.
  • The show ends with bloopers and a plug for the Grand Finale of the Bachelorette next week.

Whew, what a slog. Can’t wait for next week, guys. It’s gonna be gooooood!

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