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The Bachelorette FINALE!!!

Ugh, you guys, I just got back from a mini-moon to Quebec City with my husband and it was wonderful and lovely and romantic until we had to go through the world’s slowest customs process at the world’s stupidest, slowest, dumbest, worst airport, Dulles. Anyway – we are *finally* back now and I’m starting to blog the Bachelorette an hour late but dammit, it’s gonna get done.  It’s the finale, y’all!!!!

Here we go!

JWOF comes to greet Emily bearing flowers and a freshly combed faux-hawk.  Time to meet Emily’s family! JWOF has a boring, pleasant conversation with them. All in all, Emily’s mom seems pretty on board with her daughter eventually having a lesbian commitment ceremony with him, but Emily’s brother seems skeptical — but may I make a prediction? He will be won over within approximately 5 minutes. Let’s see what happens. [1 minute passes]. Aaand Emily’s brother approves.  Then Emily’s dad is won over within 30 seconds. This is going very smoothly, isn’t it?

Arie’s turn!  I predict that the family won’t be as bowled over by Arie as Emily has been, probably because they won’t get to make out with him.  Immediately, Emily’s  dad is skeptical about how he’ll feel about Arie, given how much he liked JWOF.  Arie sure has some big Birkenstocks to fill.  And right off the bat, things are awk between Arie and the fam.  Arie makes some lame jokes and exactly no one is impressed, including Emily. Her mom wants to make sure Arie is “in it for the right reasons,” unlike a certain other person, who shall go nameless, but whose name rhymes with Machelor Mrad Momack.  I guess they are convinced, and the family grudgingly accepts Arie by the end of the day.  Arie asks Emily’s dad’s blessing and, after a dramatic and rather misleading pause, he grants it.

Emily asks her family for guidance because she is “confused” and doesn’t know who to pick. Which I don’t really buy, by the way, do you? I mean, like she *really* doesn’t know which of these dipshits she likes better at this point?  Emily tells her family that “you can love two people in different ways at the same time.” Emily is frustrated and wants her family to tell her one way or the other who she should pick, but all her mom can tell her is that she should wait to get engaged. Wait, what? She should wait to get engaged to someone she doesn’t really know that well? Does. Not. Compute.

JWOF and Emily have some alone-time and I am sort of going back and forth between this and pinning pictures of puppies and crockpot meals on Pinterest, because this is pretty boring, but the gist is that JWOF wants to meet Lil’ Ricki and Emily is unsure. JWOF says, “You know how I feel about Ricki, and kids,” but Emily seems unconvinced.  JWOF seems bummed.  Sad music plays.  Finally, JWOF succeeds in guilting Emily into introducing him to Lil’ Ricki.  Happy music plays! They go to the resort to meet Ricki, who seems weirded out at first (“Who’s this strange lady, Mom?”) but then warms up to him.  Poor Lil’ Ricki.  She’s met so many random men from TV at this point. Let’s hope this one sticks.  JWOF, predictably, is really good with kids, and waxes just a little *too* effusive about Ricki, calling her “the most beautiful little six year old.” I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he meant that in a non-creepy, dad-like way.

Later, JWOF and Emily go to dinner and JWOF gives her a book about Curacao. Wait, is this a Blakely-style scrapbook?? Please let it be a Blakely-style scrapbook.  Actually, no, it’s just a regular book about Curacao with some stick figure drawings done by JWOF on some of the pages.  It’s actually pretty cute. Dammit, JWOF, stop making me like you!

Okay, time for Arie’s final date.   But wait!  First Emily has a sit-down chat with Chris Harrison and tells him that she knows that JWOF is the one. Whoa, mama.  Chris Harrison points out that Emily now has to go tell Arie buh-bye and she gets all teary.

Meanwhile, poor, unwitting Arie shows up to his date and says that he and Emily are “perfectly in love with each other.” Cringe.  As he waits for Emily to show up, some nice lady shows Arie how to make a love potion using flowers and herbs. Guess she didn’t get the memo that Emily’s about to dump his ass.   Emily lets Arie put some of the love potion on her arms before finally asking him to “sit down and talk.” Ugh, nervous!  Emily starts bawling and Arie keeps asking her what the matter is, and finally she says, “I don’t know what do do. I don’t know what to say.” At this point, my husband gets up and leaves the room because he can’t take the awkwardness anymore.  It IS bad.  Emily weeps her way through a clumsy breakup with him, telling him she thought it was going to be her and him in the end but now she’s not so sure.  Yeesh.  Now Arie’s crying. This is painful, yo.

Finally, Arie gives her a kiss on the head and gets up to leave.  He kinda bitchily tells her “good luck,” and gets a little angry. Fair enough.  He says, “Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of tomorrow. I appreciate that.” Eek.  This is so awk, you guys!  Emily walks him out and cries the whole time.  I think she wants Arie to feel bad for her, but she’s the one who just broke up with him, so… no dice, Em.  Arie gets in his pensive SUV and says he feels “stupid and naive” for believing he had a future with Emily.  He sheds some man tears and proves that he is, in fact, a pretty crier, as we long suspected.

K, so that’s done.  Bring on the proposal, JWOF! Oh, wait, we need to hear what Ashley Hebert thinks about all of this.  Blah, I don’t care. I am actually just gonna fast-forward over all this jazz.  Oh, hang on, JWOF has to have the traditional sit-down with Neil Lane to pick out an engagement ring for Emily.  He settles on a big, square number that puts me in mind of Kim Kardashian’s ugly ring, except less ugly, and about 15 carats smaller.

 

As she prepares for the day, Emily lets us know that she’s not sure she is ready to get engaged, but doesn’t want to reject JWOF, and blah blah blah.  Enough flip-flopping already, Emily.  Who are you, Mitt Romney?  [Rim shot]

Okay, the proposal show’s finally on the road, and JWOF is standing in front of Emily on a podium, and she’s telling him he’s her soul mate.  JWOF starts tearing up and it’s kinda cute.  He gives her a pretty adorable speech about how grateful he is to be with her and stuff. Soaring music plays.  Finally, JWOF gets down on one knee and asks Emily to marry him and she says… YES.

As if that weren’t enough, to top off what shaped up to be a pretty awesome finale, the episode ends with a clip montage of Emily’s and JWOF’s relationship highlights set to Peter Cetera singing “Glory of Love,” which is incredible, maybe even better than when Jeffrey Osborne serenaded Vienna and Jake with “On the Wings of Love.”  Wow.

And that’s all she (me) wrote, guys.  I am not gonna live blog ATFR because, you know, I don’t want to. But I will be watching it.  Thanks for joining me on this incredible JOURNEY, guys.  See you on the next Bachelor season!! Arie 2013?

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