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In which I reluctantly blog The Virgin Diaries

I know I’ve blogged the VD before (this sounds wrong), back when it was just a one-hour special, but now that it’s a full-blown series, I feel compelled to share a few thoughts on this steaming hot mess.  So here’s a summary of this week’s show, with some observations. To sum it up in one word? Oy.

Dan and Patrice

Dan’s a virgin and Patrice has never had sex with a white guy! The most obvious question is, how in hell did these two find each other? I mean, Patrice is the type of gal who goes to a sex shop with her mom.  Dan is the type of man who humps a phone pole for “practice.”

Dan’s best friend, who comes over to give him “advice,” is also a slightly alternative looking virgin.  I’m getting sort of a Christian rock vibe from these two.  The timid ear piercings, the chunky man jewelry, the upswept hair.  I could totally see these guys rocking out at a Jars of Clay concert. [Sorry I don’t have a more updated Christian rock reference.]

For being a 36-year-old virgin, Dan seems remarkbaly uninterested in what his wedding night will be like, although he makes a reference to something called “beast mode.”  Dan, that’s not a thing.  Patrice, meanwhile, is pole dancing and humping an exercise ball in preparation for her big debut. I’m a little bit scared for Dan, you guys.

Dan, in preparation for losing his V-card, goes and gets his chest completely waxed.  Who told him that this was a thing that one does before one’s wedding night? No one does this.  I don’t even think gay guys wax their chests before they get married.

The day of the wedding, Dan douses himself in Axe body spray and starts stuttering because he is so nervous to be ravished by his bride.  Given what I’ve seen of Patrice’s wedding prep activities, dude should be nervous.   Dan gives himself an uninspiring pep talk in the mirror and then heads off to get married.

Patrice and Dan get married wearing kind of funky outfits (a top-hat for him, a short dress and fascinator for her).  Also, Dan appears to be the only white person at his wedding.

Finally, the happy couple leave to go have sex and Dan seems like he’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

End of show status? Dan and Patrice did it! Patrice says it was “interesting,” and Dan says it was “spectacular.”  Oh, dear.  Dan also shares some sexual fantasies, which I will not reproduce here, and tells us he “laughed and cried” during sex.  Moving on.

Julie

29-year-old self-described “Christian lesbian virgin.”  She’s kinda dumpy and wears schlumpy tee-shirts and no makeup, and she enjoys playing with laser swords in her free time.  Poor Julie just gives me the big ol’ sads.  She seems really insecure, like a kid who has just come out of the closet in high school and is still sort of grappling with her sexuality. While she seems really awkward (for instance, she laughs with her tongue sticking out), she also seems to have friends and activities and stuff, so maybe there’s hope for her yet.

Julie, for reasons that are unclear, decides to have a “coming out” party at a bar to tell her lesbian friends that she’s a virgin.  Before she spills her terrible secret, someone busts out some boob-shaped balloons (i.e., regular balloons with nipples) and makes Julie fondle them.  She looks like she wants to disappear. Ugh, this is terrible.  Her tortured “coming out” speech involves lots of uncomfortable laughing and yelling.  Her friends, who are all sort of rough-looking older ladies, seem shocked.

Somehow, Julie manages to finagle a date with a woman named Crystal.  Julie and Crystal don’t have a lot to say to each other, probably because TLC arranged this date and they’ve never met before.  So they go have a laser sword fight at a place that apparently caters to such things.

End of show status? Julie is still a virgin.  But she’s optimistic!

Michelle

Michelle is a 41-year-old virgin who says she just “forgot to have sex.” From the way she describes it, it sounds more like she forgot to socialize for the past 20 years — she didn’t go to college, she didn’t go to parties, she would stay in on weekends to watch movies with her mom.  Sigh.   To remedy this, Michelle ALSO decides to have a “coming out party” to announce she’s a virgin. Gee, I wonder where she got that idea? I’m sure it just came to her completely organically with no nudging from the truly evil producers of this show, riiiight?

Oh, pure coincidence, Michelle has a friend who’s ALSO a secret virgin. This is like on the very first VD when those three Canadian virgin roommates went out on a “blind date” with those three shockingly attractive men who all “just happened” to be virgins. We’re not DUMB, TLC.  Okay, we’re kinda dumb.  But not THAT dumb.

Okay, so Michelle’s coming out party is really awk. She stands in front of her guests and announces, with great fanfare, that she is still a virgin.  People clap for her, for some reason, and she seems pleased with herself.  Then she unveils a cake that’s shaped like a cherry.  Horrible.

End of show status?  Still a virgin.  But she’s also optimistic!

Stephanie’s Final Thought: I’ve already said that I find this show repugnant on several levels yet can’t stop myself from watching it.  I’ll be honest, I think the only reason I don’t feel completely depressed after watching this sh**-show is because these people signed up for it and I suspect many if not all of them are in on the joke.  Plus, what’s ridick and freakish about these people is not that they’re virgins, but that they’re attention whores with no boundaries (well, except for the one).  So in that sense, they’re a lot like any other group of weirdos on reality TV.

I think I’ll be watching again next week but probably not blogging — there’s just too much stuff I can’t bring myself to type.

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Comments

  1. * Jimmy Tango says:

    So people who go through the trouble to set up blogs are not attention whores?

    Anyway, reality TV is sooooo over produced. Watching it like it’s journalistic or a documentary is naive. You probably think the owners son on Hardcore Pawn is actually a tough guy.

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 1 month ago


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